Lots of Girls Walk Around in Tears, but That's Not For You [Closed]

[hearthebell]

Who: L (Linden Tailor) and Alex, Later Mello
When: April 5
Where: Alex and Mello's cottage
What: Tutoring, and revelations
Warnings: Potentially sensitive subject matter? Will update if necessary



[L can be a strange and fickle creature, but in general, the rules of punctuality are ones he holds to, so long as he isn't trying to make a point of disrespecting a person. It's one of the simplest social rules to abide by, for someone who finds them otherwise fraught, and ultimately, L respects Alex for many reasons.

She cares enough to try to learn, though life dealt her a difficult hand and rendered her without a proper education. It had been surprising to learn, but it hadn't merited judgment, disapproval or dismissal. He'd worked her into his tutoring schedule and had diligently tried to catch her up with letters, numbers, and scientific principles that may or not matter in a world where magic reigns supreme.

He knows that things are different now that Mello is in Aefenglom. He knows that there's probably going to be tension; if Alex and Mello got along before, they can certainly manage it again, which might mean more close brushes with someone he'd rather not come in contact with.

He knocks on the door at the agreed-upon time. Subconsciously he moves the leather case he carries in front of his body.]

Comments

[sing_for_me]

[ Her finned ears perk up at the knock, his timing perfect as usual. But that made it easier for Alex to prepare their food and tea at just the right time.

She walks briskly to the door, opening it with a warm smile on her face, as if they hadn’t been meeting regularly. But Alex was grateful, more than Linden might know. For someone to take the time that he did and teach her was a privilege she hadn’t experienced until coming here. He never judged, even if he might be blunt, and she liked to think that he enjoyed their time together too. He was different from what she initially thought, and was glad to have the chance to learn more, even if he still kept his cards close to him. ]

Hi, Linden.

[ The merrow moves aside for him to step in, closing the door behind him. ]

How’ve you been?

[ There were sandwiches on the table, cut into small pieces without the crust. Nothing too heavy, a mix of jams and cheese. ]

[hearthebell]

[Alex's smile, as usual, is broader and readier than L's own. In a lot of ways it's as though he never properly learned how, and he distracts himself by thinking of the logistics of it, how it might look, how it might seem on a face that is so much more like a mask most of the time.]

I've been alright, truly... thank you for asking, Alex. And you?

[He steps inside, shrugging out of the jacket he wears even now that the weather's warmer. Even spring breezes slice right through him. He glances up, noting a half-opened carob bar on the counter.]

...you have a new housemate.

[He thinks he knows more than that, already.]

[sing_for_me]

[ She makes her to way to the table, pausing as she pulls out her chair. His questions had startled her, not so much because she was trying to hide it, just that he would notice that so quickly and seemingly out of the blue. Alex looks around before answering him, trying to figure out how he came to that conclusion. But she couldn’t find anything awfully obvious. ]

You really are good at this, aren’t you?

[ It wasn’t the first time Linden had pointed out or deduced something about her or their surroundings with what seemed like little to nothing.

She finally takes a seat, looking up at him. ]

Yes. Well...I don’t know if it’s anything permanent though. I just offered a room until he found a place he’d prefer more.

[ Now, this part she did feel weighed down on her. Said roommate was someone Linden once was close with, or she at least assumed they were. But M was a secretive and guarded person, and with how tense things were between him and Linden, she wasn’t sure it was for her to say that he had been staying here. Still, it felt off to keep it from Linden, and she redirects herself by pouring him some tea. ]

What are we doing today?

[hearthebell]

[He is really good at this; it doesn't need to be said, and so L doesn't remark on it. He leaves his jacket draped over the back of a chair, joining her at the table with a smile far from his face. The carob bar, after all, might as well be a marquee heralding the presence of someone who is supposed to behave as though L does not exist in this world.]

We're picking up where we left off on The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock again, if you'd like.

[He went through all that trouble to write it out from memory, after all; they might as well finish studying it.]

Alex? Do you feel safe with Malakai here? Or... M, as you know him.

[sing_for_me]

[ Just when she thinks they had moved on, quite excited to return to the poem they had discussed before, he brings it right back. But the questions he asks confuses her. She would have expected something along the lines of confirming it was M, but to ask her if she felt safe with him? M did insinuate that danger followed him around, but was that what Linden meant? ]

...I think it’s more that he doesn’t feel safe here.

[ Her laugh is a bit weak, attempting to lighten the mood. It was true though, what with how he kept his gun on him at all times. ]

Is...Malaki his real name?

[ Lord knows M wouldn’t tell her. ]

[hearthebell]

[It's telling that Mello apparently left before he finished opening his snack. He imagines, based on his own experience living with the younger man, that an awareness of who came and went (as well as when) came part and parcel with any cohabiting arrangement.]

Any name that is known to reference a person is, in a sense, real.

[It's not what she means, and certainly not the rules by which L and Mello's world are built under.]

They can be safer than what's real in the other senses. For you, and him, and so... Malakai is his name, and I will use it.

[In the spirit he uses Linden, or Eli. Light is Light; Light left his real name, "Kira", back home, like all of them did.]

You do, then...

[Feel safe, with Mello.]

[sing_for_me]

[ That really didn’t answer her question, and his response felt long winded, but Alex got the gist of it. It wasn’t odd for people in Ergastulum to use fake names, majority of them hiding from a past they wanted to leave behind.

She watches his expressions, despite the lack of change. With Linden, it felt a lot like guessing and hoping to hit close to the target. The two of them were so similar but so different. One more emotional than the other, but both so cryptic and vague. How tiring must it be to have so many secrets? ]

Should I not?

[ Feel safe with M. ]

[hearthebell]

Ah...

[Not what he'd intended to insinuate. He wants Mello to be with someone gentle who could improve him, bring out a protective streak, a mutually beneficial arrangement.]

I believe that you do, and... that you should.

[Alex, after all, isn't L. The rules and histories behind their interactions are very different.]

I'm glad for it; when he was here before he benefitted from the time you spent together.

[Not enough, in the end, to prevent certain unfortunate fixations and events. L's taking it into his own hands to do as much, this time around.]

[sing_for_me]

[ ‘Glad’ wasn’t a word she’s hear Linden use in association with M before. She’s not quite sure she believes M had benefitted much from their past relationship. It’s part of why she wanted to do more for him this time around. But if Linden said so. ]

Thanks for worrying about me. If...that’s what that was.

[ It felt nice to have someone care, at least, even if she hadn’t felt threatened. ]

Do you...not plan on spending time with him anymore?

[ It was a gamble asking that, the topic seemingly an open wound left untreated. But it still felt to her like they cared to some extent. Or maybe that was wishful thinking. ]

[hearthebell]

[He raises and lowers a thin shoulder. He's actually not sure if it's concern; it sounds like it's the case, feels like it's the case, and yet... if it's true, he has to really wonder, really question who the concern is for. Alex? Or Mello, or even L himself?

He nods, deciding that it's at least close enough, the same general sentiment. If it feels real, in his gut? It isn't a lie.

But there are harder truths to tell, and her next question really drives that point home in a sobering way.]

Back home... our relationship wasn't an equal one. He thought I was someone else...

[He shakes his head. The words sound strange to his own ears, but as a teacher, it's his job to have answers, isn't it?]

We both deserve freedom from that perception. He deserves to make his own way, and I deserve to...

[Not feel hands tightening around his throat?]

I suppose I deserve to screw up, in the ways that only I can, without worrying about how it betrays or tarnishes something he cares far more about.

[sing_for_me]

[ She might not understand what it’s like to be a mentor, but she can somewhat relate to the pressure of someone looking up to you. Her memory of her brother was limited, but he relied solely on her. As willing as she was to do whatever it took to take care of him, and a part of her hates to admit it, maybe she felt some relief in having forgotten about him. To not have to constantly think of the other. She’d detested the part that thought about it that way. ]

Then, do you feel better with things this way?

[ It doesn’t come from a place of judgment. Truly, all she’d want for him, for both him and M, was for them to be happier. ]

[hearthebell]

[The question is an unexpected one. It makes L miserable, but also thoughtful. He's not sure he has given this proper thought, actually.]

What I feel doesn't matter.

[Something he's said and thought countless times in his life. Emotions are an inconvenience to be suppressed, shuffled aside, denied until they shrivel up and perish and cling to their plausible deniability.]

It's for the best. I made myself too available to him before, and as a result, things got out of hand, and so... I've resolved to handle it differently this time. In the interest of a different outcome because... truly, I do want him to thrive, here. I want his life to be a worthwhile thing based on his own desires and merits, independent of my influence.

[In this context, it's notable that L speaks of himself like one might a malignant cancer.]

[sing_for_me]

[ She takes in what he says, how this will benefit M, how this will benefit Linden. But one line bothered her the most, her hand reaching over to rest atop his. All she can think of to say is, ]

It does matter...

[ That was the point of her question. It mattered to her, anyway. ]

At some point before the mission

[hearthebell]

[L arrives, as usual, to the tutoring appointment he schedules weekly with Alex. Though he's grown warier of showing up to her home now that Mello's in the picture and living with her, it hasn't been an issue up to this point. They've never crossed paths or encountered each other here; so far, the arrangement, unspoken and unofficial, seems to be working.

He greets Alex, and once he's been let in, starts unpacking his teaching materials at the dining table as usual.]

Sorry I was running a bit late today. One of my Bonded has lost one of his Bonded, and I'm doing what I can to be present.

[A tall order, for someone as emotionally stunted and distant as L. Alex probably can guess, by now.]

[sing_for_me]

[ It was rare for Linden to be late, so Alex had been a bit worried, so she was relieved to see him. But...his news, while not uncommon, was still disheartening. ]

I’m sorry...if you want to postpone today that’s okay with me.

[ Her lessons weren’t that pressing. And admittedly...she had another concern dozing off in his room. Normally he’d leave before her lessons started, but she couldn’t seem to wake him this time. Alex didn’t want to keep bothering M if he was that tired too. ]

[onamissile]

[Mello is busy kicking himself out of the throes of sleep, brushing his teeth in the bathroom when he hears the knock. His spine stills — he's told Alex to warn him of visitors.]

[And then. L's voice. Oh god. He hasn't seen him since...]

[Well, it doesn't really matter, does it? He rinses his mouth, wipes it with a towel. Walks out of the narrow hall with a grim look in his tank top and leathers, sleep and annoyance practically beaming from his eyes.]

Hey, [He addresses L firmly. What else is he supposed to say?]

[hearthebell]

No... the appointment's one we made, so it's one we'll keep. He knows that... he's actually glad I've kept up with tutoring since leaving my official post at the orphanage.

[Myr knows it's good for his cramped and stunted soul, and besides, L does actually kind of like it, the quiet one-on-one conversation with one eager to learn and engage.]

I wrote down a new one today. From my world...

[He remembers it from years ago, but as he's unfolding the paper and smoothing it on the tabletop, he hears a voice that makes him tense, glancing up in alarm.]

...you're here.

[What else is he supposed to say?]

[sing_for_me]

[ Alex tenses as well, though for different reasons. Was M upset because she hadn’t told him? She did try! But was Linden okay with this, what with how he’s been trying to avoid M?

The air already starts to change around them, and Alex isn’t quite sure what to do. ]

Did...you um...sleep well?

[ What else could she say? ]

[onamissile]

[He's almost too put-off to answer Alex, but this isn't her fault. She has no idea because he hasn't told her of his history with L, that he knows him at all, the thing that apparently happened between the two men that made Mello so hesitant to go hard on Alex that night. He rubs at an eye, staring L down without even glancing at her even while he responds: ]

Not really.

[He never does. Whether it's two hours or eight. Some things are hard to get rid of. But his attention is on L, his presence. Just seeing him jars Mello, whether or not there's a threat in play.]

[But he caught the exchange, attempting to understand the situation. He takes a breath, and it takes everything Mello has for it to not shudder.]

You're her tutor.

[Better to stand straight than fall.]

I've never had the opportunity to learn from you.

[Flat. Bitter.]

I'd like to.

[hearthebell]

[L's Bonded is a faun; the influence might be clear in the way his wide, dark eyes stare, unblinking, petrified for a few moments much like a deer staring down an oncoming truck.

He takes a deep breath and steels himself. A battle he didn't anticipate, but one he's going to have to meet. He's done this before, he reminds himself, however difficult he finds the process on an emotional level.]

I am.

[He confirms briskly. He has nothing to hide, nothing to feel shame for, nothing to apologize for. His intentions are, actually, quite noble.]

And you're welcome to stay...

[Cordial, generic.]

...but you know "Ozymandias" already, surely.

[As you know most of what I might tell her, but is it that shred that you don't that draws you?]

[sing_for_me]

[ The way M zones in on Linden doesn’t escape Alex. The wya he fixated on him reminded threw her back to the year before, back when she knew even less of their relationship.

Her eyes shift to Linden, noting the way his body has stiffened, his eyes wide and alert. Again, she’s not sure what to say, or if she can, when these two were in their own world. Should she encourage M to join them? Should she insist the lesson be postponed?

She’s looking between the two now, anxiously waiting to see if they’ll butt heads or part ways. ]

[onamissile]

Yeah, [is Mello's simple response, and if L is going to be so tense Mello will focus on Alex. He turns his attention to her, keeping sure to attempt to hide his own discomfort.]

[This is. Unexpected at best.]

I've got work in two hours, [He throws flippantly, running a hand through his loose hair.]

There's coffee?

[Something he's become quite addicted to since sleeping so long with little time between waking and work. His eyes are gentle towards Alex, something completely different from the way he regards L.]

[hearthebell]

[L's eyes don't leave Mello, evaluating him warily like a feral animal he has to watch while it's in his presence. He only relaxes slightly when the man refocuses his attention on his housemate (probably more, L tends to pick up on subtle tells that more is going on).

Usually, at this point, L and Alex might talk a bit while they set up and prepared. He'd grab coffee himself, settle into an environment he's grown to find familiar and comfortable over the last few months. Today, he remains at the table, restless, put off by the way one small change has made everything different.

He says nothing. Alex can get the coffee for Mello, or direct him to it; L's focus, henceforth, will be on the lesson, or at least, that's the goal.

This morning, he'd been between two poems about the erosion of time and nature. He wishes, fiercely, that he'd simply gone with Robert Frost, because "Nothing Gold Can Stay" does not carry the same incendiary charge as a toppled, arrogant relic issuing a fierce and hollow challenge.

He doubts that it would matter. Mello will turn this into a fight, or he will, and regardless the other won't be able to simply ignore it. He'll be exhausted after this, won't he?]

Let's jump right in today, shall we.

[sing_for_me]

[ Her eyes meet M’s, and she looks over at the counter. ]

Yeah, on the counter...

[ So two hours. Would they last that long?

Her attention is brought back to Linden when he speaks, and she adjusts herself in her seat and leans over to look at the materials. She tries to focus, anyway, but she’s stealing peeks between the two. ]

R-right, sure.

[onamissile]

[As put off as Mello is, he'll keep his composure, because that's what he does. He responds with a distant mm — makes his way over to pour three cups.]

[He'll be cordial, because L hasn't done anything to him, specifically. Not yet. Three ceramic cups are placed in a straight line (he's been bartending for weeks now after all), and he pours his own black. For all of the things he likes sweet, coffee isn't one of them. The next cup — ]

Linden.

[Forgive him if there's a bit of an annoyed edge to his voice.]

How do you take yours?