Lots of Girls Walk Around in Tears, but That's Not For You [Closed]

[hearthebell]

Who: L (Linden Tailor) and Alex, Later Mello
When: April 5
Where: Alex and Mello's cottage
What: Tutoring, and revelations
Warnings: Potentially sensitive subject matter? Will update if necessary



[L can be a strange and fickle creature, but in general, the rules of punctuality are ones he holds to, so long as he isn't trying to make a point of disrespecting a person. It's one of the simplest social rules to abide by, for someone who finds them otherwise fraught, and ultimately, L respects Alex for many reasons.

She cares enough to try to learn, though life dealt her a difficult hand and rendered her without a proper education. It had been surprising to learn, but it hadn't merited judgment, disapproval or dismissal. He'd worked her into his tutoring schedule and had diligently tried to catch her up with letters, numbers, and scientific principles that may or not matter in a world where magic reigns supreme.

He knows that things are different now that Mello is in Aefenglom. He knows that there's probably going to be tension; if Alex and Mello got along before, they can certainly manage it again, which might mean more close brushes with someone he'd rather not come in contact with.

He knocks on the door at the agreed-upon time. Subconsciously he moves the leather case he carries in front of his body.]

Comments

[sing_for_me]

Mm, I think I get it though.

[ Fear’s held her back for some time, wondering if the things she wanted were things she was allowed to have. ]

But at least we get to say we tried? Even if we don’t end up getting exactly what we want.

[ Her own passiveness was a source of great regret. ]

It’s pretty encouraging knowing you’re trying.

[hearthebell]

Is that so?

[I thought you might get it; I wonder why.]

It follows that your own efforts are encouraging as well. Is there something you want, and some way you're trying? Aside from...

[He gestures toward the obvious, the books on the table.]

[sing_for_me]

Ah...well.

[ It felt like there was a lot she wanted to do, but she’s not sure how close she was to achieving any of them. ]

I just want to be able to do things for the people I care about. I...used to hesitate a lot. And it ended up being too late for a lot of them...

[hearthebell]

[She's compassionate; it's not surprising that she wants to do things for those who are important in her life.]

Hesitation can be called "careful" in other words. People who hesitate don't know what's going to happen, and so... you didn't.

[He halts his words. They're not comforting, he suspects.]

I'm sorry about your friend.

[sing_for_me]

[ It felt more like selfishness, but, she smiles back at him. ]

Thanks.

[ Her eyes are drawn back to the poem on the table, adjusting her glasses. ]

We kind of went off topic, huh?

[hearthebell]

No... I don't think we did. Consider that this poem's themes and motifs encapsulate many experiences, which is why it's persevered. The ocean, for instance... it features heavily in this poem, in the life of one man consumed with pretense, expectations and the perceptions of others... but it's eternal. It'll exist long after he's gone, and.... so will the problems that he hesitated to address, instead of taking the chance to confront head-on.

When we talk about poems, we're talking about life. When we're talking about life, we are not departing the lesson.

[sing_for_me]

That’s...a pretty bit topic.

[ Lessons on life? How long would that take, she wondered. But somehow, that didn’t bother her. She’s never had such talks before, and while sometimes she felt lost in it, Alex appreciated that he would stay patient with her. ]

Can all problems be faced head on though?

[hearthebell]

Purely theoretically, yes... but in practice, no. Everyone's different... there are decisions you could make in a fraction of a second that someone else might be as indecisive as Prufrock about... and the opposite's also true. A strong person might perceive danger differently than a weak person; a person with nothing to lose might perceive risk differently than someone with loved ones to protect. Being young or old, or a man or a woman, or coming from a different country or culture... there are countless things that can influence how a person faces a problem and whether they wisely could do it head-on.

It's difficult to analyze for yourself until you have some hindsight... or rather, regret. It's why our friend Prufrock is so very useful; he seems foolish because we're not in that situation. He seems indecisive and hesitant because we're not taking those risks; he's maudlin because we don't fear the rejection, his bald spot isn't distressing to us because we are not old. But he speaks of the women... the ones who "come and go, and talk of Michaelangelo," in a way that says he struggles to view them with the sonder we're afforded for him, through his own narrative. We have empathy for Prufrock because we hear his voice; he knows the subject of which the women speak, but cannot approach them head-on or listen in greater detail. For all his introspection, he's mute; he can worry about death, but not discuss an artist's heavenly work with the living.

[sing_for_me]

[ Alex does her best when Linden gets into it, and it usually takes all her focus because a lot of what he says can be rather detailed, other times deep and profound, complex, or all of the above. It takes her a moment to catch up, but she thinks she has the gist of everyone having different perspectives and reactions to situations. However the part of how Prufock speaks of women loses her. ]

Sorry, that part with Michaelangelo. So is it that it isn’t that he can’t relate, but that he just can’t talk to the wonen?

[hearthebell]

[Wow, he kind of got carried away there. Is he trying to impress her, on a subconscious level? It's a lot to unpack, and he's not exactly sure he wants to get into it here and now. Better to focus on the poem and its rather apt and topical subject matter (but with, at least, a veneer of academic deniability.)

They're talking about another man's awkwardness, after all.]

Prufrock is indecisive. He's even indecisive about his indecision... that's how his fear manifests. He won't relate because he won't try, and he won't talk to the women because he's afraid of rejection, but... who's to say that he can't? There's nothing truly holding him back, aside from his own fear of judgment and dismissal. That likely frustrates him; maybe he'd prefer to be at the bottom of the sea because it would, at least, be a reasonable excuse for all the things he's avoiding.

[sing_for_me]

[ Alex thinks on that some more. Maybe because she’s actually been at the bottom of bodies of water that she can understand at least that much. There was something liberating about it, the thick silence beneath the waters, the stillness and weightlessness of floating. It truly felt like her troubles would wash away. ]

I think some of it makes sense to me. Like holding myself back, or wanting to run away from things. Sometimes when I do swim, I wonder if I’ll ever go back up again.

[ Maybe it was her merrow form that made it more appealing to her, what with how her body just felt so at home under water. ]

But...I think I’d also miss too many things, and miss out on so much.

[ And she’s done enough missing out in her life time. The haze of the drugs she had been made to take might as well have been her mind submerged underwater, keeping her unaware of everything happening outside. ]

[hearthebell]

Yeah?

[He leans closer, interested keenly in this perspective. He's preoccupied with the bottom of bodies of water, whether it's his own subconscious dreamscape lake or the harbor he's still pretty sure he nearly drowned in a couple Halloweens ago. Obviously, he's not a mer, and the implications of staying underwater are somewhat different.

Perhaps not as much as they seem, however.]

What would you miss, do you think?

[To miss something is to have had it in the first place; it's actually a significant departure from Prufrock, unless opportunity is what she's referring to.

Regardless, L feels he needs to hear it.]

[sing_for_me]

[ Alex tilts her head down thoughtfully, the list forming in her head bit by bit. ]

Sounds. It’s very quiet underwater, and I’m really not that good with the quiet. I’d miss listening to music, performing...Food, gosh the smells and just being able to eat them. Things like festivals or work, just being around people. People would be the main thing, I think. The friends I’ve made, people I care about.

[ She looks back at him this time, a grin on her face. ]

Even my lessons with you. Things like that I would miss or...miss out on. Maybe there are still experiences to be had if I lived completely as a merrow, but I wouldn’t want to let go of all of this.

[ Letting go wasn’t something Alex was very good at, she’s found out. ]

[hearthebell]

[He nods, equally thoughtful, even if he's not sure he can relate. He's not a mer, after all; he's not Alex. He doesn't sing for personal joy or an audience; people are difficult for him, often distressing. Even when they're not, he's always acutely aware of what he stands to lose, one misstep whisking them away forever unless they're literally handcuffed together.]

Do you... does it make you sad, to think that the world and everyone you know would go on in spite of such a decision? Or do you find it comforting in a way?

[sing_for_me]

[ It’s her turn to tile her head. ]

Do you mean if I chose to leave?

[hearthebell]

I mean...

[He scrabbles to tie it back to the subject matter they're studying, the insistence that it's relevant and not at all alarming or depressing.]

In considering the indecision of Prufrock... he wants to be on the bottom of the ocean, but he's not actually going to go through with it. He wouldn't be able to commit to the decision, but... I'm considering the circumstances under which he could commit, and maybe even feel truly at peace with the prospect.

[sing_for_me]

[ Oh, she’d almost forgotten about poo Prufock. ].

So he’s even indecisive about cutting himself off too. Yeah, I get that.

[ How many times had she told herself she needed to leave the Benriya at one point, or that she shouldn’t get attached to anyone in Aefenglom, and failed? ]

Maybe he wouldn’t be sad? But he if he keeps doubting himself still, maybe he’ll keep wondering about the what ifs. I...know it’s inevitable that people would move on.

[ All the more for her circumstances. Her life was supposed to end somewhere on the side of the street or some back alleyway, just another number to add to the statistic. And it’s not like she would leave much of an impact either. ]

But honestly, and it’s probably selfish of me to say, I’d be really sad about it. I would want people to miss me, and I don’t want them to forget about me either.

[ It felt embarrassing to admit, but maybe because L doesn’t react all that much it doesn’t feel as uncomfortable for her to admit these kinds of things. Plus, it was for the lesson right? ]

I’d...like to feel like I matter to some people at least.

[ Truly a selfish thing, considering how she’d forgotten the brother she said had mattered to her the most. But Alex has started to come to grips with the fact that she has such feelings and desires, even if she might not deserve them. ]

[hearthebell]

[She's right; L doesn't really react that much, at least outwardly or expressively. There's some connection in his eyes, though, some indication that this is something he's not thought of in this exact manner before.]

Sorry... I hadn't meant to put it like that. Of course a person like you would be remembered and missed... and "moving on" does not mean doing so gladly, or unaffected. It's not selfish to want to matter on some level, especially if...

[He pauses.]

I suppose especially if you're not terribly used to it.

[sing_for_me]

[ Her smile is a bit more wry at his words. ]

I think you and I have a different definition of ‘a person like me’. But I appreciate that you think so.

And...yeah, I agree. It’s sucks to crave it, but it’s..a pretty great feeling too. Even if it’s just a little bit.

[ But, she’s been getting the feeling that he hasn’t totally been in teacher mode. ]

What do you think about it? Would you be sad?

[hearthebell]

I think most people would think so, truly...

[Even as he agrees, privately, that it is a good feeling to be cared for, a good feeling on occasion to feel that some connection has been made to cherish and nurture.

He wants to return to the text, but she asks him what he thinks of it personally.]

I suppose... I don't know that I'd feel much at all about it.

[He's human, after all. Being on the bottom of the ocean forever only means one thing, ultimately.]

I don't want the people I care about to suffer, so... I might hope that they forgot about me as quickly as possible. At the same time, I want my life to have mattered, like anyone else.

[sing_for_me]

Yeah...I think it’s a pretty normal way for people to feel? So, I think he would feel the same way. If not right away...maybe eventually?

[hearthebell]

Right... I'm sure it would probably be like that.

[The recovery could be more graceless, he supposes.]

It logically follows from that premise, though, that the ideal for most people would therefore be a life that matters with no one being personally affected if they did decide to go away.

That's rarely the case, so... broken mathematics, I think.

[And incidentally very close to his own experience. Living and working anonymously was like that.]

[sing_for_me]

[ His words switch out too being less personal again. ]

But if people aren’t personally affected, would it still feel like it matters? It’s kind of weird, not wanting to hurt people but knowing you matter because it hurts them. So ...isn’t it that we kind of want them to hurt?

[hearthebell]

No. You want to know that you matter... and there are other ways for that to be demonstrated, than leaving and forcing others to grieve. If a person has done or left something great, that stays, and it's the reason they mattered... I don't know if they'd be missed, especially if their potential to do more of the same was in question. Prufrock informs us that he is past his prime, after all... maybe all he had to offer was spent long before he even thought of the sea.

[sing_for_me]

Then...was he looking to leave something behind or to connect to someone?