Lots of Girls Walk Around in Tears, but That's Not For You [Closed]

[hearthebell]

Who: L (Linden Tailor) and Alex, Later Mello
When: April 5
Where: Alex and Mello's cottage
What: Tutoring, and revelations
Warnings: Potentially sensitive subject matter? Will update if necessary



[L can be a strange and fickle creature, but in general, the rules of punctuality are ones he holds to, so long as he isn't trying to make a point of disrespecting a person. It's one of the simplest social rules to abide by, for someone who finds them otherwise fraught, and ultimately, L respects Alex for many reasons.

She cares enough to try to learn, though life dealt her a difficult hand and rendered her without a proper education. It had been surprising to learn, but it hadn't merited judgment, disapproval or dismissal. He'd worked her into his tutoring schedule and had diligently tried to catch her up with letters, numbers, and scientific principles that may or not matter in a world where magic reigns supreme.

He knows that things are different now that Mello is in Aefenglom. He knows that there's probably going to be tension; if Alex and Mello got along before, they can certainly manage it again, which might mean more close brushes with someone he'd rather not come in contact with.

He knocks on the door at the agreed-upon time. Subconsciously he moves the leather case he carries in front of his body.]

Comments

[sing_for_me]

[ Her finned ears perk up at the knock, his timing perfect as usual. But that made it easier for Alex to prepare their food and tea at just the right time.

She walks briskly to the door, opening it with a warm smile on her face, as if they hadn’t been meeting regularly. But Alex was grateful, more than Linden might know. For someone to take the time that he did and teach her was a privilege she hadn’t experienced until coming here. He never judged, even if he might be blunt, and she liked to think that he enjoyed their time together too. He was different from what she initially thought, and was glad to have the chance to learn more, even if he still kept his cards close to him. ]

Hi, Linden.

[ The merrow moves aside for him to step in, closing the door behind him. ]

How’ve you been?

[ There were sandwiches on the table, cut into small pieces without the crust. Nothing too heavy, a mix of jams and cheese. ]

[hearthebell]

[Alex's smile, as usual, is broader and readier than L's own. In a lot of ways it's as though he never properly learned how, and he distracts himself by thinking of the logistics of it, how it might look, how it might seem on a face that is so much more like a mask most of the time.]

I've been alright, truly... thank you for asking, Alex. And you?

[He steps inside, shrugging out of the jacket he wears even now that the weather's warmer. Even spring breezes slice right through him. He glances up, noting a half-opened carob bar on the counter.]

...you have a new housemate.

[He thinks he knows more than that, already.]

[sing_for_me]

[ She makes her to way to the table, pausing as she pulls out her chair. His questions had startled her, not so much because she was trying to hide it, just that he would notice that so quickly and seemingly out of the blue. Alex looks around before answering him, trying to figure out how he came to that conclusion. But she couldn’t find anything awfully obvious. ]

You really are good at this, aren’t you?

[ It wasn’t the first time Linden had pointed out or deduced something about her or their surroundings with what seemed like little to nothing.

She finally takes a seat, looking up at him. ]

Yes. Well...I don’t know if it’s anything permanent though. I just offered a room until he found a place he’d prefer more.

[ Now, this part she did feel weighed down on her. Said roommate was someone Linden once was close with, or she at least assumed they were. But M was a secretive and guarded person, and with how tense things were between him and Linden, she wasn’t sure it was for her to say that he had been staying here. Still, it felt off to keep it from Linden, and she redirects herself by pouring him some tea. ]

What are we doing today?

[hearthebell]

[He is really good at this; it doesn't need to be said, and so L doesn't remark on it. He leaves his jacket draped over the back of a chair, joining her at the table with a smile far from his face. The carob bar, after all, might as well be a marquee heralding the presence of someone who is supposed to behave as though L does not exist in this world.]

We're picking up where we left off on The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock again, if you'd like.

[He went through all that trouble to write it out from memory, after all; they might as well finish studying it.]

Alex? Do you feel safe with Malakai here? Or... M, as you know him.

[sing_for_me]

[ Just when she thinks they had moved on, quite excited to return to the poem they had discussed before, he brings it right back. But the questions he asks confuses her. She would have expected something along the lines of confirming it was M, but to ask her if she felt safe with him? M did insinuate that danger followed him around, but was that what Linden meant? ]

...I think it’s more that he doesn’t feel safe here.

[ Her laugh is a bit weak, attempting to lighten the mood. It was true though, what with how he kept his gun on him at all times. ]

Is...Malaki his real name?

[ Lord knows M wouldn’t tell her. ]

[hearthebell]

[It's telling that Mello apparently left before he finished opening his snack. He imagines, based on his own experience living with the younger man, that an awareness of who came and went (as well as when) came part and parcel with any cohabiting arrangement.]

Any name that is known to reference a person is, in a sense, real.

[It's not what she means, and certainly not the rules by which L and Mello's world are built under.]

They can be safer than what's real in the other senses. For you, and him, and so... Malakai is his name, and I will use it.

[In the spirit he uses Linden, or Eli. Light is Light; Light left his real name, "Kira", back home, like all of them did.]

You do, then...

[Feel safe, with Mello.]

[sing_for_me]

[ That really didn’t answer her question, and his response felt long winded, but Alex got the gist of it. It wasn’t odd for people in Ergastulum to use fake names, majority of them hiding from a past they wanted to leave behind.

She watches his expressions, despite the lack of change. With Linden, it felt a lot like guessing and hoping to hit close to the target. The two of them were so similar but so different. One more emotional than the other, but both so cryptic and vague. How tiring must it be to have so many secrets? ]

Should I not?

[ Feel safe with M. ]

[hearthebell]

Ah...

[Not what he'd intended to insinuate. He wants Mello to be with someone gentle who could improve him, bring out a protective streak, a mutually beneficial arrangement.]

I believe that you do, and... that you should.

[Alex, after all, isn't L. The rules and histories behind their interactions are very different.]

I'm glad for it; when he was here before he benefitted from the time you spent together.

[Not enough, in the end, to prevent certain unfortunate fixations and events. L's taking it into his own hands to do as much, this time around.]

[sing_for_me]

[ ‘Glad’ wasn’t a word she’s hear Linden use in association with M before. She’s not quite sure she believes M had benefitted much from their past relationship. It’s part of why she wanted to do more for him this time around. But if Linden said so. ]

Thanks for worrying about me. If...that’s what that was.

[ It felt nice to have someone care, at least, even if she hadn’t felt threatened. ]

Do you...not plan on spending time with him anymore?

[ It was a gamble asking that, the topic seemingly an open wound left untreated. But it still felt to her like they cared to some extent. Or maybe that was wishful thinking. ]

[hearthebell]

[He raises and lowers a thin shoulder. He's actually not sure if it's concern; it sounds like it's the case, feels like it's the case, and yet... if it's true, he has to really wonder, really question who the concern is for. Alex? Or Mello, or even L himself?

He nods, deciding that it's at least close enough, the same general sentiment. If it feels real, in his gut? It isn't a lie.

But there are harder truths to tell, and her next question really drives that point home in a sobering way.]

Back home... our relationship wasn't an equal one. He thought I was someone else...

[He shakes his head. The words sound strange to his own ears, but as a teacher, it's his job to have answers, isn't it?]

We both deserve freedom from that perception. He deserves to make his own way, and I deserve to...

[Not feel hands tightening around his throat?]

I suppose I deserve to screw up, in the ways that only I can, without worrying about how it betrays or tarnishes something he cares far more about.

[sing_for_me]

[ She might not understand what it’s like to be a mentor, but she can somewhat relate to the pressure of someone looking up to you. Her memory of her brother was limited, but he relied solely on her. As willing as she was to do whatever it took to take care of him, and a part of her hates to admit it, maybe she felt some relief in having forgotten about him. To not have to constantly think of the other. She’d detested the part that thought about it that way. ]

Then, do you feel better with things this way?

[ It doesn’t come from a place of judgment. Truly, all she’d want for him, for both him and M, was for them to be happier. ]

[hearthebell]

[The question is an unexpected one. It makes L miserable, but also thoughtful. He's not sure he has given this proper thought, actually.]

What I feel doesn't matter.

[Something he's said and thought countless times in his life. Emotions are an inconvenience to be suppressed, shuffled aside, denied until they shrivel up and perish and cling to their plausible deniability.]

It's for the best. I made myself too available to him before, and as a result, things got out of hand, and so... I've resolved to handle it differently this time. In the interest of a different outcome because... truly, I do want him to thrive, here. I want his life to be a worthwhile thing based on his own desires and merits, independent of my influence.

[In this context, it's notable that L speaks of himself like one might a malignant cancer.]

[sing_for_me]

[ She takes in what he says, how this will benefit M, how this will benefit Linden. But one line bothered her the most, her hand reaching over to rest atop his. All she can think of to say is, ]

It does matter...

[ That was the point of her question. It mattered to her, anyway. ]

[hearthebell]

[The contact between them is startling. L is accustomed to this from Myr, ascribing it to the natural tendencies of a faun and their own powerful connection through their Bond that makes them physically crave closeness. Outside of such supernatural connections, it's rare for L to reach for others, and even rarer for them to reach for him.]

I realize how that must have sounded.

[An effort to sound appropriately embarrassed is present, but it's doubtful that he did realize.]

When it comes to some matters, we just place other priorities above our own feelings. All of us; I'm sure you know what that's like.

[A life difficult and underprivileged enough to deprive her of a fairly basic and standard education would certainly have taught her as much.]

[sing_for_me]

[ She’d be a hypocrite if she said otherwise. ]

I just thought...it’s something you’d deserve this time too.

[ Since he spoke of having a new experience. ]

[hearthebell]

[He cants his dark head, taking stock of her in a way he usually doesn't. There's consideration, and nearly analysis, as his eyes linger on her face longer than their typical brief glances before they return to the page.]

You're kind. Consistently, and... I'm not sure why that surprises me, but I have an idea.

[Under her hand, his fingertips brush distractedly against the tabletop.]

Usually, people who are born and raised in unkindness struggle to emulate its opposite later. Most never do. It's a sign of considerable inner strength if they manage it, maybe... denial, too, or a sense of disproportionate gratitude for the meager advantages they can secure.

[sing_for_me]

Are you...trying to rationalize your feelings?

[ It seemed like such a Linden way of explaining things. And all she did was say a few words. ]

It’s not all that complicated. I like you, so I want you to be happy.

[hearthebell]

[The things that are not complicated tend to be the ones that L paradoxically has the most difficult time grasping. Much that others seem to take for granted eludes him.]

Likewise... which is why I'm interested in how you've remained so positive.

[They are talking about her, the pressure that formed a diamond from a lump of black lung-choking misery.]

Perhaps it's a lesson that I could benefit from.

[sing_for_me]

[ Was there something Linden could learn from her? Positivity didn’t sound like one of them. But hearing that he liked her too warmed her up, a pleasant feeling that made her glance away shyly. It was nice, to be liked. Such a simple thing, but it made her happy. ]

It’s easier for me to be positive for others...so maybe you could be for me?

[ Meet each other halfway? Or was that just silly thinking? ]

[hearthebell]

I want to.

[He says it without hesitation; he feels this desire for Myr, too, and Near, and others he wishes fiercely to be a more whole person for.]

We're all born empty, don't you think? And most are eventually filled, in some way. Most do dare to disturb the universe with their personhood.

[He's speaking a little more quickly now, referencing their poem, like one who does not actually understand what he's speaking of from the inside.]

I can offer a diligent effort.

[sing_for_me]

[ She’s not sure what pulls her to do it, but her hand moves from his to the top of his head, patting his hair gently. ]

That’s about all we can do, right? Try?

[ Though she can’t help but wonder if he still felt empty. ]

When you say disturb, it makes it sound like a bad thing.

[hearthebell]

[L draws his next breath slightly faster; he doesn't quite tense at her touch, but it seems to be a conscious effort. He starts to reach for her wrist; whether it's to pull her hand away or hold it in place is unclear.

Even to him.

His hand remains where it is: on the table, with his fingertips kneading against the surface as she pets his soft, dark hair.]

A disturbance is, stripped of any pretense or preconception... just a change to the status quo. It isn't inherently a good or bad thing... just as existence or personhood isn't.

[But those things are a privilege; a change to the status quo of emptiness is a privilege.]

To be acknowledged as a person is to be a disturbance. Celebration or shame are subjective reactions... unique to the individual.

[sing_for_me]

[ This was kind of like petting a cat, though she does try to take in what he’s saying. ]

Doesn’t everyone want to be acknowledged?

[hearthebell]

[His hair is soft and thick. Ordinarily, any carding fingers might run into a fair number of snags, but Light keeps his Bonded better-groomed than he's been in the past. Not to the meticulous and controlling levels the SQUIP had, but Light is image-conscious, offers reminders, advice that is pointed without judgment.]

Maybe... but not in the same ways. Often, paradoxically, what we want to be acknowledged for was never going to happen for us... and the acknowledgment we do receive is unwelcome. A sexually appealing woman who hears her physical form acknowledged all day, every day, would certainly tire of it, I imagine. Even resent it, if she wishes for another kind of recognition.

[sing_for_me]

[ Her movements pause a moment, not sure that she’s heard him comment on a person’s appearance before. But also, there was truth to what he said. Alex didn’t pay much mind to physical comments, although when sincere enough it might fluster her slightly. ]

What do you want to be acknowledged for?