Lots of Girls Walk Around in Tears, but That's Not For You [Closed]

[hearthebell]

Who: L (Linden Tailor) and Alex, Later Mello
When: April 5
Where: Alex and Mello's cottage
What: Tutoring, and revelations
Warnings: Potentially sensitive subject matter? Will update if necessary



[L can be a strange and fickle creature, but in general, the rules of punctuality are ones he holds to, so long as he isn't trying to make a point of disrespecting a person. It's one of the simplest social rules to abide by, for someone who finds them otherwise fraught, and ultimately, L respects Alex for many reasons.

She cares enough to try to learn, though life dealt her a difficult hand and rendered her without a proper education. It had been surprising to learn, but it hadn't merited judgment, disapproval or dismissal. He'd worked her into his tutoring schedule and had diligently tried to catch her up with letters, numbers, and scientific principles that may or not matter in a world where magic reigns supreme.

He knows that things are different now that Mello is in Aefenglom. He knows that there's probably going to be tension; if Alex and Mello got along before, they can certainly manage it again, which might mean more close brushes with someone he'd rather not come in contact with.

He knocks on the door at the agreed-upon time. Subconsciously he moves the leather case he carries in front of his body.]

Comments

[hearthebell]

[He raises and lowers a thin shoulder. He's actually not sure if it's concern; it sounds like it's the case, feels like it's the case, and yet... if it's true, he has to really wonder, really question who the concern is for. Alex? Or Mello, or even L himself?

He nods, deciding that it's at least close enough, the same general sentiment. If it feels real, in his gut? It isn't a lie.

But there are harder truths to tell, and her next question really drives that point home in a sobering way.]

Back home... our relationship wasn't an equal one. He thought I was someone else...

[He shakes his head. The words sound strange to his own ears, but as a teacher, it's his job to have answers, isn't it?]

We both deserve freedom from that perception. He deserves to make his own way, and I deserve to...

[Not feel hands tightening around his throat?]

I suppose I deserve to screw up, in the ways that only I can, without worrying about how it betrays or tarnishes something he cares far more about.

[sing_for_me]

[ She might not understand what it’s like to be a mentor, but she can somewhat relate to the pressure of someone looking up to you. Her memory of her brother was limited, but he relied solely on her. As willing as she was to do whatever it took to take care of him, and a part of her hates to admit it, maybe she felt some relief in having forgotten about him. To not have to constantly think of the other. She’d detested the part that thought about it that way. ]

Then, do you feel better with things this way?

[ It doesn’t come from a place of judgment. Truly, all she’d want for him, for both him and M, was for them to be happier. ]

[hearthebell]

[The question is an unexpected one. It makes L miserable, but also thoughtful. He's not sure he has given this proper thought, actually.]

What I feel doesn't matter.

[Something he's said and thought countless times in his life. Emotions are an inconvenience to be suppressed, shuffled aside, denied until they shrivel up and perish and cling to their plausible deniability.]

It's for the best. I made myself too available to him before, and as a result, things got out of hand, and so... I've resolved to handle it differently this time. In the interest of a different outcome because... truly, I do want him to thrive, here. I want his life to be a worthwhile thing based on his own desires and merits, independent of my influence.

[In this context, it's notable that L speaks of himself like one might a malignant cancer.]

[sing_for_me]

[ She takes in what he says, how this will benefit M, how this will benefit Linden. But one line bothered her the most, her hand reaching over to rest atop his. All she can think of to say is, ]

It does matter...

[ That was the point of her question. It mattered to her, anyway. ]

[hearthebell]

[The contact between them is startling. L is accustomed to this from Myr, ascribing it to the natural tendencies of a faun and their own powerful connection through their Bond that makes them physically crave closeness. Outside of such supernatural connections, it's rare for L to reach for others, and even rarer for them to reach for him.]

I realize how that must have sounded.

[An effort to sound appropriately embarrassed is present, but it's doubtful that he did realize.]

When it comes to some matters, we just place other priorities above our own feelings. All of us; I'm sure you know what that's like.

[A life difficult and underprivileged enough to deprive her of a fairly basic and standard education would certainly have taught her as much.]

[sing_for_me]

[ She’d be a hypocrite if she said otherwise. ]

I just thought...it’s something you’d deserve this time too.

[ Since he spoke of having a new experience. ]

[hearthebell]

[He cants his dark head, taking stock of her in a way he usually doesn't. There's consideration, and nearly analysis, as his eyes linger on her face longer than their typical brief glances before they return to the page.]

You're kind. Consistently, and... I'm not sure why that surprises me, but I have an idea.

[Under her hand, his fingertips brush distractedly against the tabletop.]

Usually, people who are born and raised in unkindness struggle to emulate its opposite later. Most never do. It's a sign of considerable inner strength if they manage it, maybe... denial, too, or a sense of disproportionate gratitude for the meager advantages they can secure.

[sing_for_me]

Are you...trying to rationalize your feelings?

[ It seemed like such a Linden way of explaining things. And all she did was say a few words. ]

It’s not all that complicated. I like you, so I want you to be happy.

[hearthebell]

[The things that are not complicated tend to be the ones that L paradoxically has the most difficult time grasping. Much that others seem to take for granted eludes him.]

Likewise... which is why I'm interested in how you've remained so positive.

[They are talking about her, the pressure that formed a diamond from a lump of black lung-choking misery.]

Perhaps it's a lesson that I could benefit from.

[sing_for_me]

[ Was there something Linden could learn from her? Positivity didn’t sound like one of them. But hearing that he liked her too warmed her up, a pleasant feeling that made her glance away shyly. It was nice, to be liked. Such a simple thing, but it made her happy. ]

It’s easier for me to be positive for others...so maybe you could be for me?

[ Meet each other halfway? Or was that just silly thinking? ]

[hearthebell]

I want to.

[He says it without hesitation; he feels this desire for Myr, too, and Near, and others he wishes fiercely to be a more whole person for.]

We're all born empty, don't you think? And most are eventually filled, in some way. Most do dare to disturb the universe with their personhood.

[He's speaking a little more quickly now, referencing their poem, like one who does not actually understand what he's speaking of from the inside.]

I can offer a diligent effort.

[sing_for_me]

[ She’s not sure what pulls her to do it, but her hand moves from his to the top of his head, patting his hair gently. ]

That’s about all we can do, right? Try?

[ Though she can’t help but wonder if he still felt empty. ]

When you say disturb, it makes it sound like a bad thing.

[hearthebell]

[L draws his next breath slightly faster; he doesn't quite tense at her touch, but it seems to be a conscious effort. He starts to reach for her wrist; whether it's to pull her hand away or hold it in place is unclear.

Even to him.

His hand remains where it is: on the table, with his fingertips kneading against the surface as she pets his soft, dark hair.]

A disturbance is, stripped of any pretense or preconception... just a change to the status quo. It isn't inherently a good or bad thing... just as existence or personhood isn't.

[But those things are a privilege; a change to the status quo of emptiness is a privilege.]

To be acknowledged as a person is to be a disturbance. Celebration or shame are subjective reactions... unique to the individual.

[sing_for_me]

[ This was kind of like petting a cat, though she does try to take in what he’s saying. ]

Doesn’t everyone want to be acknowledged?

[hearthebell]

[His hair is soft and thick. Ordinarily, any carding fingers might run into a fair number of snags, but Light keeps his Bonded better-groomed than he's been in the past. Not to the meticulous and controlling levels the SQUIP had, but Light is image-conscious, offers reminders, advice that is pointed without judgment.]

Maybe... but not in the same ways. Often, paradoxically, what we want to be acknowledged for was never going to happen for us... and the acknowledgment we do receive is unwelcome. A sexually appealing woman who hears her physical form acknowledged all day, every day, would certainly tire of it, I imagine. Even resent it, if she wishes for another kind of recognition.

[sing_for_me]

[ Her movements pause a moment, not sure that she’s heard him comment on a person’s appearance before. But also, there was truth to what he said. Alex didn’t pay much mind to physical comments, although when sincere enough it might fluster her slightly. ]

What do you want to be acknowledged for?

[hearthebell]

[With his odd and awkward features and hungry, lanky frame that looks more like a teenager's than a grown man's, L has never in his life been the most attractive person in the room, indeed not even in the top half on the bell curve. He's acutely aware of his ungainly looks, even if it is rare for him to comment that he notices such things on any level.]

I ask no one to care...

[Myr cares; L's been on the receiving end of his care before. It's terrifying and shocking, the same way a wash of sunlight is to eyes that have adjusted to the dark for months on end.

Alex is asking to care. He deigns to expend the effort to put it into words; he knows how to use them to great effect, but they somehow always stick when speaking of such matters as these.]

If you really want to know, I think... potential.

[To grow, and change, and fill his emptiness. To be treated as a vessel that can hold more than light and darkness, in spite of the many holes riddling him like a sieve.]

Someone who can still become, in some way, is not dead. Therefore, his personhood is undisputed.

[sing_for_me]

[ She brushes his hair one last time before finally withdrawing. There’s something hopeful in his answer, she feels. Maybe because it was nice to see him want something. ]

You seem very much alive to me.

[ Alex chuckles, but in a way, she gets it. One can be alive but not living. ]

Do you feel like you’re getting acknowledged for that?

[hearthebell]

[It carries the same ambiguous bittersweetness that's present in much of what says; open, in a way, to interpretation.]

Well, thank you.

[Said with a bit of a graceless laugh, as though she's paid him an obviously exaggerated compliment.]

And... I do, I think. On a regular basis... at least, here.

[Myr alone has fulfilled that quota as though it's a personal mission. L knows it's likely that the faun does consider it such, so great is his devotion.]

It's a complicated thing to want. I wonder all the time if I'm risking more than I ever stand to gain... or staking things that aren't even fully mine. I suppose it's difficult to explain, and likely sounds that way.

[sing_for_me]

Mm, I think I get it though.

[ Fear’s held her back for some time, wondering if the things she wanted were things she was allowed to have. ]

But at least we get to say we tried? Even if we don’t end up getting exactly what we want.

[ Her own passiveness was a source of great regret. ]

It’s pretty encouraging knowing you’re trying.

[hearthebell]

Is that so?

[I thought you might get it; I wonder why.]

It follows that your own efforts are encouraging as well. Is there something you want, and some way you're trying? Aside from...

[He gestures toward the obvious, the books on the table.]

[sing_for_me]

Ah...well.

[ It felt like there was a lot she wanted to do, but she’s not sure how close she was to achieving any of them. ]

I just want to be able to do things for the people I care about. I...used to hesitate a lot. And it ended up being too late for a lot of them...

[hearthebell]

[She's compassionate; it's not surprising that she wants to do things for those who are important in her life.]

Hesitation can be called "careful" in other words. People who hesitate don't know what's going to happen, and so... you didn't.

[He halts his words. They're not comforting, he suspects.]

I'm sorry about your friend.

[sing_for_me]

[ It felt more like selfishness, but, she smiles back at him. ]

Thanks.

[ Her eyes are drawn back to the poem on the table, adjusting her glasses. ]

We kind of went off topic, huh?

[hearthebell]

No... I don't think we did. Consider that this poem's themes and motifs encapsulate many experiences, which is why it's persevered. The ocean, for instance... it features heavily in this poem, in the life of one man consumed with pretense, expectations and the perceptions of others... but it's eternal. It'll exist long after he's gone, and.... so will the problems that he hesitated to address, instead of taking the chance to confront head-on.

When we talk about poems, we're talking about life. When we're talking about life, we are not departing the lesson.