✘ Vanitas (
darkcharge) wrote in
middaeg2020-01-04 01:08 pm
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[ closedish? ] Jan Logs
Who: Vanitas + Various
When: All Month
Where: Varies
What: Closed starters for pre-arranged things. Completely open to plotting all month, just hit me up and we can work something out. Alternatively if you write something up here, I will totally hit that too. I like surprises.
Warnings: PTSD and more to come probably
When: All Month
Where: Varies
What: Closed starters for pre-arranged things. Completely open to plotting all month, just hit me up and we can work something out. Alternatively if you write something up here, I will totally hit that too. I like surprises.
Warnings: PTSD and more to come probably
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So instead he focuses on that rubbing. Timing his breathing with it. This seems to work and much better than digging his fingers in his scalp as some form of distraction. Eventually those small, near hyperventilating breaths become deeper. The pain in his chest seems to fade, leaving Vanitas just tired and putting his face in his hands. ]
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Is this helping?
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...Yes.
[ After all he isn't prone to lying. Van doesn't quite have the brainpower to be snippy or try to find some wiggle room. ]
Why. Why are you helping me? Why do you keep helping me?
[ Her and Marie both. He doesn't understand. Even if Emet-Selch may have mentioned that Mira is just excessively stubborn, Vanitas just can't reconcile it. And maybe he will get him out of explaining what this is all about for a bit longer. ]
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[It was very much true according to Mira.]
Not only that but I was concerned for you when I first heard that sound. It usually means the person has some sort of illness and yet there is no fever from you.
[Because being concerned is very much a normal response towards someone not feeling well.]
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[ He is referring to everything, really. It had all started with her demanding that he wear something warmer. Then a place to stay. Now this. It is just one things after another and Vanitas doesn’t really understand what he has done to merit that. If he should WANT it, let alone accept it. ]
I’m not sick, Mira. This just. Happens.
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[A simple answer. But if he isn't sick, was this something always with him or happen back on his star before coming here?]
For how long has this been happening?
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[ Well that might not be completely true. Vanitas might return the favor... Though he sighs and rubs at his face. Van is so tired. And the worst part is that he doesn’t even feel better after this. ]
Here? Just recently. I haven’t had one of these spells since I had to reconstruct myself.
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[A thank you would be nice but it would mean more if spoken without prompted.]
When you say 'reconstruct yourself', do you mean...?
[Literally?]
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[ He doesn’t know what to say to that. Helping just because she feels like it is the right thing. To do something just because she can. Vanitas still doesn't know what to think about it. Doesn’t know how long this ‘kindness’ will last or where her limit to what she will tolerate will lie. ]
I had to put my heart back together. Ventus shattered us once upon a time. It a considerable amount of negative emotions to restore me back to this point... And much purging as well.
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[Those Unversed thrive on negative or uncertain emotions, right?]
Was that what you were doing?
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Yes, though it obviously doesn't work the same way. I can create them myself, yes, but early on the Unversed were forcibly ejected from my body.
[ In the same manner that Mira had witnessed of course. ]
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[Did his former master do that or was it due to emotion overload? If this was recent, what was the cause? What could she do to try and help if she can?!]
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Forced. Like a volcano right before an eruption.
[ ...His way of saying "being overwhelmed" without it sounding like he's a frail, weak little thing. ]
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Oh, I think I understand.
[Trying to purge the bad feelings out but without knowing how most usually just talk about it instead of the more extreme outlets. And that counts as one.]
Too many emotions coming at you all at once, right?
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[ Sort of. More like Van is so overwhelmed that fear and panic grip at his heart and he loses all control. Without being able to focus and expel them one at a time or efficiently... ]
I have no idea what form they will take, if they take a form at all. Sometimes I just cough up a mass that never fully becomes an Unversed.
[ And he means that literally. The dry heaving is exactly a glance into what Vanitas is forced to go through. It’s also extremely painful. ]
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[She feels bad admitting it but she rather do so instead of hide it.]
But I want to try to. Seeing you in pain is something I rather not want.
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As if I or anyone else would expect you to know anything. I never understood any of it myself and I was the one going through it. It took years to figure out what was going on.
[ He stills again, though. Vanitas can feel his mouth dry up a little. People keep blindsiding him with this sort of commentary. He doesn’t question the validity of that statement. Mira has already proven that she is concerned about his welfare. And yet... ]
How am I to learn from my mistakes otherwise?
[ Guess what he associates pain and suffering with? ]
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[Pain and suffering talk? Common for a dark knight but also sometimes, one cannot simply grin and bear the pain. They need some sort of help.]
Learning from a mistake assumes that it was something intentional and you are trying to correct it. From what I have seen, none of this is that.
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[ As he shouldn't exist, that is. A thing that just creates more monsters because he fails to control his own emotions. ]
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[Or self loathing.]
Prove them wrong, that you have every right to exist.
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Oh Vanitas understands spite. ]
Huh... I never thought of that.
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[A small smile because it can work great as a motivator in some cases. It's when it gets overwhelming that it becomes a problem.]
Spite, in moderation, can help. It's when it becomes too much for someone to handle that it becomes a problem.
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How would I go about showing it then? You know I can't guarantee what happened tonight won't happen again.
[ Because he has no idea how to handle his emotions now. ]
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[Listen close to that 'we'. Mira is not letting you do this alone.]
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I'm not your responsibility, Mira. Haven't you done enough? Why would you keep this up, knowing that all this is going to do is bring you more crap that isn't yours to deal with? I'm a broken thing with nothing to offer but a smart mouth and tantrums because I can't control myself any more. Nights like tonight won't stop happening.
You can't possibly want that.
[ Which also means... Can't possibly want him around. ]
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