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Entry tags:
[semi-open] backing away from the problem of pain
Who: Onni & whoever else!
When: Throughout Septeril
Where: Aefenglom and the Wilde
What: An Apple a Day quest, open general prompt, catch-all for the month
Warnings: clearly marked in subject lines/headers - spoilers, violence, death, body horror, decay, various other types of gross-out
❄ Open Prompts
❄ i. An Apple a Day
When: Throughout Septeril
Where: Aefenglom and the Wilde
What: An Apple a Day quest, open general prompt, catch-all for the month
Warnings: clearly marked in subject lines/headers - spoilers, violence, death, body horror, decay, various other types of gross-out
❄ Open Prompts
❄ i. An Apple a Day
Several prompts for moth-induced hallucinations. Content warnings: violence, death, orphaned/traumatized children, body horror, animal-related mutation/decay/rotting imagery, general gross-out monsters❄ ii. Tunnel Clearing
Content warnings: violence, possible emeto❄ iii. Magic Practice
Practicing, leveling up spells, open to coaching other Witches. Content warnings: n/a, tba if needed❄ iv. Wildcard
Write me a random starter or contact me by PM or on Discord at coffee #6251 or private plurk or ping atcaffemisto
no subject
When Reynir asks about whether the Swan is one of his gods, Onni lets out a few long, shuddering breaths, his eyes squeezed shut, two more hot tears leaking from under his eyelids.]
Yes. She...she is. And they were...they were souls. My family, and Tuuri...
[That name makes his voice break, he can nearly see her in his mind, her soft fluffy little bird's body, sleeping in that shard of water. Another breath comes out of him in a deep shuddering sob, and he presses his face against Reynir's shoulder as the younger man pushes his own cheek against his. Reynir is trying to tell him it was just a harmless dream, that it was nonsense, that she's not real and she can't hurt him, and he shakes his head.
It takes a while before he can speak again, mind reeling with all the reasons that what Reynir had just said are wrong. It's all so clear in his mind, that he had the summer, just the summer and then she would take two souls one way or another. That was months ago, it's been longer than the summer that he's been here, and what if time doesn't actually stop back home? What if they're wrong? What if time has passed and he's lost his chance to kill the kade and now his soul is forfeit?
He's going to die.
Fist clenching harder into Reynir's shirt, he takes a few deep, shuddering breaths to try to calm himself. It doesn't do much, but he manages to get enough breath in him to speak.]
It wasn't just a dream, Reynir. It was real, and she can hurt me. She will.
[Something in him goes numb, when he says it out loud, and he pulls back from Reynir, looking at him, his pale eyes outlined with red, his body still trembling a little.]
no subject
When Onni confirms his guess that those sleeping forms were souls, explains they weren't just any souls, but his family, Reynir's heart aches. It's not that much of a surprise, then, when Onni says the one he'd been clutching had been Tuuri. Because of course it had been.
Reynir's voice has gone quiet when he says: ]
Ah.
[ And then even before Onni speaks, Reynir knows something is amiss, that he'd said something wrong, hit some nerve. He had hoped to give reassurance, to at least ease some of the panic, if not the grief that came along with the dream. But instead, Onni's fear twists tighter, and Reynir feels it in his own stomach. He's scared, urgently, immediately, as if there were some predator in the room with them right now and he's only just remembered to look for it.
It hits Reynir like a fist to the stomach, knocking the breath from him. He isn't sure, but he thinks it might be worse, feeling that level of dread but having no idea why, no understanding of its source. ]
What... do you mean, Onni? I don't understand...
[ Reynir doesn't have any idea what's going on, but he knows Onni isn't lying, that this isn't some question of miscommunication. He sounded so certain, when he declared that the swan will hurt him. That nightmare hadn't just been drawing on mythology and coming up with some scenario that would make Onni anxious... there is some kernel of truth, and it's not anything Reynir has known about. Which means Onni has been hiding it.
And Reynir knows Onni well enough by now to know that the only things he hides are the last things Reynir would want him to hide - his own misery, his own self-destructive choices, his reckless lack of care for his own value and life.
Some new panic of his very own starts to close up Reynir's throat, and his voice is shaky as he asks, a bit more firmly. ]
What're you talking about?
no subject
So it comes out, and Reynir's spike of worry, like an icepick in the gut, comes through the bond just as apparently as his worry and affection had.
Onni looks at him, feeling a spike of guilt - and he isn't sure if it's guilt over making the deal in the first place or hiding it from Reynir or just for blurting it out now and worrying him. Swallowing hard, he takes a few shaky gulps for breath, his hand still closed into the back of Reynir's night shirt, and blinks out a few more tears that run hot down his cheeks.]
That happened. The first part, I mean. You must have known that if I had Tuuri's spirit with me, I had to have brought her back from Tuonela somehow...
[But then it occurs to him that Reynir had never said he'd met Onni in the Silent World, just that they'd followed him, and his gut clenches up for a moment.]
Ah, though if you hadn't caught up with me, you wouldn't have seen...
[Lifting his free hand, he scrubs his palm over his face, lips pursed and jaw a little clenched. His eyes are hot and feel like they've been rubbed raw with sandpaper, but more tears keep coming.]
Sorry. I had Tuuri's spirit with me, in the Silent World. I couldn't kill the kade alone, I needed her help. And so I went to Tuonela to get her.
[A shaky breath, and he opens his eyes again, looking at Reynir and trying to keep his expression neutral - it's a losing game, though, because his chin keeps dimpling with the effort of trying not to really cry, his eyes keep leaking tears, his brow is furrowed with distress.]
The Swan caught me and was about to punish me for disturbing Tuuri's sleep, but I explained the situation with the kade and that I was trying to bring her my grandmother's soul so she can rest. She allowed me to borrow Tuuri but said that I had...the summer. That when I come back to return Tuuri she'll have two souls one way or another. My grandmother's or mine.
[A little, hiccuping breath.]
If I were home now, the summer would be over. What if time doesn't stop when we come here?
no subject
But Onni is Onni. His Onni. And finding out all this had happened, that he'd had no idea this whole time, twists his guts with a feeling that is uncomfortably like betrayal. Onni hadn't thought he should mention any of this? That he had gone to the underworld, made a deal with a god, set a timer on his own life if he didn't succeed?
Swallowing, Reynir struggles to keep on breathing; now he is the one who is paralyzed by fear, unable to move, overwhelmed. It takes all the strength he has to just focus on what he knows, while his brain and his heart process this new, awful paradigm shift. ]
Time stops. I was here, and went back. It stops. I know. Other people have said the same.
[ There is a jerky, stilted sound to his words that Onni won't have heard before. Underneath the terror - both lingering from the nightmare and the much worse kind bubbling up now as the details of Onni's deal sink in - Reynir feels the beginnings of, unmistakably, anger. A kind of powerless, despairing anger that feels poisonous and toxic, slipping across the surface of all his other emotions like oil. He lets out a shaky breath, still holding Onni, trying to calm down, to not let his own emotions distract him from comforting the man he's in love with.
But it isn't working. He's not keeping hold of it, penning it in, the way he usually can. A little voice in the back of his mind asks why, if Onni knew he couldn't kill the kade alone, he hadn't brought any of them with him to help? Why risk something so monumentally stupid, why anger a god and upset the natural order of life and the afterlife? Reynir would've come with him. Would've helped him. Was it really preferable, landing himself in this impossible deal, to spending time with him?
Miserably, Reynir realizes he's being much too quiet, that he ought to be saying something, doing something. But when he opens his mouth to reassure Onni, all that comes out is a choked whisper: ]
You've... been hiding this from me.
[ Reynir thinks of that swan, its terrible face, the fear he had felt in the dream just being near it. And he feels a wave of hopelessness, that whenever they do get home, they won't catch up to Onni in time, won't defeat the kade in time, and Onni will die before the two of them ever really got a chance to really spend time together. Before Reynir could ever have the chance to tell him how he feels, to make him laugh, to make him happy. ]
no subject
Shifting uncomfortably, Onni drops his gaze for a moment, feeling that shift in Reynir's emotions, the way he still feels terrified but washed over with a hint of anger that slowly coats the other things he's feeling. The anger is unexpected, Onni has never seen Reynir angry and it's strange to feel, especially when Reynir manages to keep his face so neutral. Onni can feel what he's feeling to some extent, but he can't tell what he's thinking and his expression isn't giving it away.
It's only when Reynir speaks again that he feels that sinking feeling amplify inside himself, and he swallows hard, his face pale and his eyes red-rimmed as tears streak down his face again. That sensation of comfort is gone, now, all he feel is the anger and fear radiating from Reynir, and some kind of anxious desperation and hopelessness with a hint of that heartbreak he remembers from while they were texting. Taking a shaky, shuddering breath, he nods.]
I didn't want you to worry.
no subject
At the very least, Onni doesn't deny he'd been hiding it. That helps to slow the bubbling of anger, just a little. If he had pretended it merely hadn't come up, made some other excuse... ]
Why didn't you -
[ Reynir's voice cracks, the unmistakable sound of suppressed tears making the words strained and throaty. Normally he is much better at this, at keeping this sort of unpalatable display of sadness to himself, until he's alone. But he's disoriented from sleep and the nightmare, and all Onni's misery is pouring into him, amplifying his own. And Onni is sitting there, so close, his beloved face so pale and his eyes red from tears. And he looks so young right now, so helpless and scared. But he won't let Reynir help him. Can never seem to let anybody just help him.
So Reynir can't fight it off. Two hot tears skid down his freckled cheek, and he wipes them away immediately, angrily, with a swipe of his hand, like they are a nuisance. He carries on, deliberately, heartbreak thick in the words: ]
Why didn't you come find me? In the dreamspace. When you realized you weren't gonna be able to do it alone. You could've just come and found me, asked for my help, and you wouldn't've had to... you didn't have to...
[ Reynir knows it wasn't that simple, of course. Going to Tuonela to get Tuuri's spirit to help him is such a ludicrously dangerous and ill-advised plan, and Onni isn't an idiot. He must have known there were better strategical options. He was just grieving his sister, and treating his own safety like it meant nothing. Like he didn't matter.
Like he always does. ]
Onni, if I lose you-
[ Those words are all Reynir manages to choke out, before his face is crumpling, and he lets out a shaky sigh, covering his face in his hands. He doesn't have the words to say it, to explain the awful fear he feels, thinking about Onni under that water all by himself. Thinking about Onni facing that swan, bargaining his life.
So he lets the Bond work for him, for once. He just lets himself feel it, in all the raw horror of it, that empty aching void in his chest when he imagines losing Onni. Reynir leans into the feeling, doesn't hold back, lets Onni really get the brunt of it. ]
no subject
Something in him relaxes just a little when he registers that, and his own tears spill down his face again. He's not sobbing, but the combination of emotions is so overwhelming he can't help releasing some of it in that way.]
I didn't want to come find you. That's why I left the way I did, I knew that if I told any of you, Lalli would know and he would follow me, and he would be killed. And even if I only asked you, you would follow me and you would be killed too. Tuuri...
[His voice cracks, and suddenly he does sob, his chest heaving and his throat closing up, and he brings up a hand to press it over his face for a moment, to pull himself together because he has to finish his explanation.]
Tuuri will just go back to Tuonela. She's already gone, but she can help. This way, the only person who can get killed is me. You see that?
[Dropping his hand, he takes a few rough breaths, and having said it makes him feel better, settles some of the turmoil of emotions in him. He doesn't want to die. He'll do everything he can not to die, but he would rather that happened than the alternatives if he'd called them to come with him.
But then Reynir is choking out half a sentence about losing him and he's overwhelmed with a rush of what Reynir is feeling, intense enough that it bowls over everything Onni is still feeling himself. Heartbreak and fear and horror and loneliness so intense it's almost like what he'd felt when Tuuri died, and Reynir is covering his face with his hands. After half a minute of it, Onni realizes he's not breathing, and when he exhales it comes out in a choked sob because that feeling, that grief and emptiness is so familiar, so raw and recent, and he doesn't even have Tuuri's spirit here with him to talk to, to fill the void.]
You care that much?
[It's barely above a whisper, and he shakes his head, lifts his hand to cover his face again, scrubbing at his eyes furiously, trying to fight his way through it. He's so tired of feeling afraid and sad and lonely but here is Reynir, feeling the same way now. Because of him. All he wants is to drown all of it out with that feeling of comfort he'd had earlier, just for a few moments, before Reynir found out the truth.
So, almost without thinking, he pulls Reynir against himself and wraps his arms around him the same way he'd pulled Tuuri against himself for comfort so many times before, the way he'd wanted to pull Lalli against himself. Pressing his face into Reynir's hair, he squeezes his eyes shut and rubs his back, carefully.]
Can't you understand why I did that? You have to understand...
no subject
But all of it, all that logic and reasoning, is settled on a foundation that's rotten at the core. That Onni's life matters less. That Onni dying is a better alternative, to anything at all.
Reynir doesn't speak for a little while. He just clings to Onni, nodding against his shoulder when he asks if Reynir really cares that much. His head feels full and aching with the tears he is still trying to hold back. It would be easier, to just let Onni comfort him. To let all this go, because it's too late to change it. To pretend he is more okay with the situation than he really is.
But hadn't Onni said to him, again and again, that he didn't want any fake smiles? Didn't only want Reynir around when he was being convenient to like? Wanted the truth of him, even with the rough edges, and sadness, and anger? ]
I do understand.
[ His voice is hoarse, and small. There's no fire in it, no anger. All that had drained away, now, and left only a grimy, hollow, listless, bitter feeling. Reynir sighs, shuddery and uneven, and goes on, in halting words: ]
I understand that - you know that losing someone you care about is the worst thing. Worse than just danger. And you're not willing to risk that. After Tuuri.
[ He could just leave it there. There is still time, to leave the rest unsaid. But if he doesn't confront Onni with the harsh truth, who will? It will just fester between them, sour everything. Reynir has done that before. Kept his mouth shut, when he had something to say, until the unsaid things piled so high they cut him off from people, ruined relationships. He's not going to let that happen, here. Even if it means hurting Onni a little, in the short-term. ]
And you don't care as much, if you die. Because even then, you won't be going through the worst thing. I will. And Lalli will. But you won't have to see that.
[ Another wave of that awful fear, that yawning awful emptiness he feels when he thinks about Onni dying and leaving him alone, surges up inside Reynir. He doesn't fight it, just shuts his eyes, another pair of tears falling, onto Onni's shoulder. ]
You think you're keeping everyone safe. But you're not. You're being selfish.
[ He's silent for a few long moments after that, head throbbing and hurting quite badly, now. He can feel Onni's exhaustion, mingling with his own. But buried in all that misery, there is still a stubbornness in Reynir. A hard center of hope that he reaches for, clings to, even as he is hugging Onni to himself as tightly as he can. ]
But it doesn't matter. Because we'll catch up to you. And I'm going to help you take down the kade, and the deal will be completed. And- and even if not, I'll fight that swan myself if I have to. I'm not going to just let her take you.
no subject
But part of him does push back when Reynir says that his intention was to avoid losing someone else after losing Tuuri. It's true, but somehow it also doesn't feel right, because it doesn't seem that way in his mind, it isn't just some tactic to avoid pain - he doesn't want them hurt, he doesn't want Lalli to die, doesn't want Lalli or Reynir to not be in the world anymore. It isn't something he'd done just for himself but because the people he could have called on deserved better.
When Reynir calls him selfish, his breath gutters and he stops breathing, and for a moment he's very angry, feels the urge to push Reynir away from him and get out of this situation that suddenly feels nearly unbearable. But he doesn't move, he just forces himself to breathe through a throat and chest that feel closed off with tension.]
I'm not selfish.
[It comes out hoarse and the anger is audible in it. He takes another breath and he resists the temptation to pull away from Reynir so he can look at him, because this will be easier if he's not looking, and he doesn't want to let go.]
I don't want to go through losing anyone else, you're right. But it isn't just that, it's also that I can't...Lalli can't die. You can't die. It's not about how I feel, it's about...neither of you can be gone, it's wrong. Your lives only just started...
[The words come out wrong, he can't convey what he means properly, he's too overwhelmed and can't speak eloquently. And so he just speaks, bluntly.]
It's better if it's me.
[Swallowing hard, he feels that hope, the same way Reynir does, and when Reynir says they're going to catch up, that they're going to complete his mission and that even if they can't Reynir won't let him be taken by the Swan. At that, Onni makes a choked, bitter laugh.]
I don't want to die. I want to just do what I set out to do and come back. But if something goes wrong, it's better if it's me than someone else.
no subject
[ The intensity of the fear and shock are subsiding in Reynir, leaving him feeling worn down and hollow, harrowed, like he'd just worked for 20 hours straight. He sniffs, breaths shaky with suppressed tears, and buries his face against Onni's shoulder.
He can feel Onni's anger, now, pushing back against him, over what he'd said. It's a struggle, not to apologize, not to take it back. But Reynir reaches for every bit of stubbornnness in him, and he doesn't take it back. Onni might not be able to hear the truth of it right now, but maybe the words will stay with him. Make him think twice (or, hell, even once) before he risks his life so cheaply again. ]
Don't you see? It's not better if it's you. Not objectively, and- and definitely not to me.
[ Reynir pulls away from Onni's tight hug, reaching up to touch his face. He tugs at the soft sleeve of his nightshirt, uses it to wipe the tears from Onni's cheeks. Reynir tucks Onni's hair away from his face, every touch achingly careful, putting all the love that he doesn't have the words for into those small movements. He brushes his fingertips over Onni's cheek, his own green eyes ringed with pink from his tears. Reynir is, infuriatingly, but perhaps unsurprisingly, someone who looks even more beautiful when he has cried. ]
You can't be gone, either, Onni. Your life... never even got a chance to start. You deserve a chance to start. To have a real, happy, full life.
[ Reynir straightens up, shoulders squaring. Now that he's been awake a little while, that he knows the truth behind it all, the terror that dream held for him is starting to fade. His audaciousness, his stubbornness, his optimism, are beginning to fight back. Jaw clenched, face almost ferocious, he grits out fervently: ]
I'm gonna make sure you do. I'm gonna save you. No matter what it takes. Because I-
[ A hesitation, just a fraction of a moment, before he finishes: ]
-care about you. So you haven't got any say in it.
no subject
And when Reynir tells him that it's not better if it's him, objectively or to Reynir himself, Onni feels most of his anger settle. When Reynir pulls back from him to look at his face, his expression is troubled, and he tolerates Reynir using his sleeve to wipe at his eyes until it gets to the point where he starts to like it. There's something soft and gentle about the way Reynir touches him, his face and then his hair as he pushes it back and out of his eyes. It's long and still has the texture of straw, and Onni isn't sure how Reynir manages to handle it gently. He can't remember the last time someone has handled him this way, gently, and he doesn't know what to make of it, even as he feels something inside himself become more malleable.
It's scary, that feeling of the walls around his emotions softening because if that breaks down, everything inside him will spill out and he won't be able to stop it. That danger becomes more real when Reynir tells him that he can't be gone and that his life hadn't had a chance to start, that he should have a real, happy, full life. Shaking his head almost immediately, Onni exhales a rush of breath.]
I don't think that will happen with my life. We already talked about that, how some parts of me are broken and there's no fixing that.
[And while he'd asserted before, that he didn't mean anything negative by saying he was broken, but now it becomes clear that the type of broken he is hurts him. But there's no getting around it, the trajectory of his life has changed what he's capable of, the type of life he can have going forward.]
There are things that won't happen for me. I accepted that a long time ago. Those things could still happen for you and for Lalli. And...
[But Reynir is carrying on, squaring his shoulders and saying that he's going to save him no matter what it takes because he cares about him. He can feel the stubborn core of Reynir, surprisingly strong and firm considering how soft and malleable he always seems. Especially considering how his eyes look so much more green with red around them and his face pale, his emotions written all over his face so clearly that Onni would be able to tell even if they weren't Bonded. What Reynir is saying is real, and there's no doubting that. Onni just doesn't understand completely.]
I don't understand.
[What else can he say?]
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But saying all that wouldn't do any good right now. Reynir might be naive, and he might be a romantic, but he knows better than to think he can heal Onni's trauma by simply loving him. If he told Onni all his feelings, they would be a distraction at best, and at worst... well, he doesn't want to think about that.
So he swallows it all down, expression soft as he runs the backs of his fingers down Onni's cheek. ]
I don't accept that. Any of it.
[ Awful as tonight has been, at least the bandaid has been ripped off. He has a better sense, now, of Onni's mental and emotional state, of just how suicidally reckless he'd really gotten. At least that means Reynir has a better chance of understanding him, of finding real and meaningful ways to help him.
When Onni says he doesn't understand, Reynir smiles, a wan, rueful thing. He murmurs: ]
You don't need to understand. It's still true.
[ And he moves, then, scooting his way up onto the bed and lowering himself down, pulling Onni along with him. There's a twist of guilt in his stomach, as he draws Onni back against his chest, and arm coming around Onni to anchor him, firmly settle him in as the little spoon. Even as he is tangling their legs together and pressing his nose against the top of Onni's spine, Reynir is making justifications in his own head. This is the best way he can think of, to comfort Onni. It's not about his feelings. It's about making Onni feel as safe as he can. ]
Onni... I know that people need secrets. Everybody does, it's only natural. But please, please... don't keep big, dangerous stuff from me. No matter how much you think I'm gonna worry. Otherwise, I'm just. Gonna worry a lot, all the time, even when there's nothing to worry about.
no subject
But that feeling passes quickly, because Reynir is still looking at him with that miserable but hopeful look on his face, his eyes red-rimmed and so green, his hair a wild mess of flyaways around his face. The feelings soften inside him, and he exhales shakily, eyes on Reynir's face, trying to sort out the messy tangle of thoughts and feelings in his brain and heart. Reynir tells him he doesn't have to understand for it to be true, and he nods because he knows that that's the case. Part of him needs to understand though, and that tension and anxiety twists in his gut.
Or at least it does until Reynir starts moving, tugging at him and guiding him to lie back down on his side, and he goes because it's easy to do and he doesn't have the energy to resist. Isn't sure whether he wants to resist. Lying down is easy, and Reynir arranges himself behind him, pressing his lanky body against his back and pulling at him, tugging his body back against himself, wrapping an arm around him and pressing it against the base of his sternum, and he can feel warm breath against the back of his neck.
There's something viscerally animal about the way that breath and the feeling of being held comforts him, and he can feel the tension bleeding out of his body, slowly but surely. There's still that shaky grief and fear inside him, but it's softened to a dull throb instead of something acute and overwhelming. So when Reynir tells him he understands that people need secrets, that it's natural, but asks him not to keep big dangerous secrets, because those will only worry Reynir more. Closing his eyes, Onni's brow furrows a little, and he nods.]
Okay.
[It comes out soft and a little shaky.]
I can't think of anything else, right now.
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And is there anything so wrong with that? If Onni is having trouble finding hope on his own, why can't Reynir share a little of his own? It's just a more direct way of comforting a friend.
He exhales a warm breath against the base of Onni's neck, making a soft sound of acknowledgment when Onni says he can't think about anything else. ]
Yeah. Don't blame you.
[ He can't help thinking how easily their bodies fit together, even with his ungainly height. It feels right, with his arm around Onni, hand pressed flat to his chest, holding him tight and secure.
Even if Onni hadn't said what he did, Reynir would already know a distraction isn't going to do much good tonight. But maybe there's another way, to draw Onni's thoughts out of the darkest corners. ]
Obviously, I'm not glad about - that deal, and you taking such a big risk, and all. But... I am glad you got to see her again.
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Reynir's hand is flat and pressed against his chest, firm and solid, almost constraining, and something about that makes him feel safe. Onni doesn't feel safe very often, it's a strange feeling, unfamiliar and good in a way that feels instinctive. When Reynir says he's not glad about the deal he's made but is glad that he gets to see her again, he feels a horrible gut-wrenching pull inside himself, and one of his breaths comes out as a sob, choking and with a guttural edge.]
I miss her.
[His voice is tight, tense, and difficult to get out, difficult to form into words.]
Even just before I came here, I had her with me, her spirit. I could talk to her. She scolded me and looked out for me.
[It's building back up again, that grief and emptiness and loneliness, but he doesn't want to cry anymore, his eyes and throat hurt, his gut hurts.]
no subject
I know it's not the same, but... I miss her, too.
[ He gives a tiny, hiccupy laugh when Onni says Tuuri had scolded him. There's nothing he can say, to make that grief any less. No words to change the reality of the situation. Even if Onni had gotten a little more time with Tuuri's spirit, he is still going to have to say goodbye. And she'll still be gone and the world a little less bright without her in it.
But Reynir knows he should say something. Even if the words can't hope to heal the wound of her death. ]
That sounds like her.
[ She had scolded Onni, too, then. Worried about him, done her best to keep him safe. So Reynir has to do his best to keep that up, in this place. He has to look out for Onni, not only because Onni deserves it, and not only because he's in love with him, but because it's what Tuuri would want. He's sure of it.
Reynir murmurs: ]
So she's... a little bird, now?
[ He'd only caught the briefest glimpse, in the dream, before everything had gone to hell. ]
no subject
You knew her for a long time. And...I imagine you got along well, didn't you? You seem like the sort of person she would have liked.
[Closing his eyes for a moment, he tries to hold onto that control granted him by Reynir's tiny candle flame of hope and peace, and the viscerally grounding sensation of being held close to another person's body. It takes him a few moments to get himself back to that emotional baseline that allows him to talk without his throat aching.]
Yes. Even before...before...she would scold me, but it's been more lately, since that deal. She's a little bird now, yes...tiny and fluffy, a little see-through. A spirit. But she speaks with her own voice, and...and I would know it anywhere.
[His throat is closing up a little again, his chest heaves a little as he fights another sob. The loneliness is almost tangible in him, like an infected sliver. He has Lalli, still, or at least he had before that lie, and he loves Lalli furiously, but he still feels like he's alone in this world. Without his immediate family, without that tie back to his parents and the home he'd lost, he feels unmoored.]
I can't be alone.
[It comes out as a choked whisper.]
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[ Reynir's breath hitches, half a laugh and half a sob, when Onni describes Tuuri's spirit. Fluffy. Yes, that sounds right. He can picture her, a small, round, transparent little thing, fluttering and fussing over her brother. It aches, imagining that, but the love is, for that moment, stronger than the grief.
It's good, this reminder, this confirmation that Tuuri isn't really gone. That troll that had burst through the floor and infected her hadn't destroyed her. She is just somewhere else, now. ]
Onni...
[ Reynir can feel that loneliness, pulling down on him, a leaden weight so intense it is nearly a physical thing. Is this what Onni feels, all the time? Reynir remembers him saying once that he didn't feel lonely, but what a lie that had been, whether Onni realized it or not. He tightens his arms around Onni, pulling him against his chest. Anchoring him, even as he says: ]
You aren't alone. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere.
[ If Onni had been thinking Reynir was going back to his own bed any time tonight, he was sorely mistaken. Reynir has every intention of laying here and holding Onni for as long as Onni needs, whether or not either of them get any more sleep. ]
We're Bonded. That means... even when I'm on the other side of the city, you're not alone. And even after we go back through those mirrors, you aren't alone, either. Because we're connected. You've seen it, and felt it. So you won't be alone. I won't let you.