[semi-open] backing away from the problem of pain

[scowlish]

Who: Onni & whoever else!
When: Throughout Septeril
Where: Aefenglom and the Wilde
What: An Apple a Day quest, open general prompt, catch-all for the month
Warnings: clearly marked in subject lines/headers - spoilers, violence, death, body horror, decay, various other types of gross-out



❄ Open Prompts

❄ i. An Apple a Day

Several prompts for moth-induced hallucinations. Content warnings: violence, death, orphaned/traumatized children, body horror, animal-related mutation/decay/rotting imagery, general gross-out monsters

❄ ii. Tunnel Clearing

Content warnings: violence, possible emeto

❄ iii. Magic Practice

Practicing, leveling up spells, open to coaching other Witches. Content warnings: n/a, tba if needed

❄ iv. Wildcard

Write me a random starter or contact me by PM or on Discord at coffee #6251 or private plurk or ping at caffemisto

Comments

[braidmage]

[ The awful thing is that Reynir does get it, really. He understands the line of thinking that led Onni to make the choice he did. He can see the reasoning behind it, how some parts made sense, how he couldn't have anticipated the swan's deal.

But all of it, all that logic and reasoning, is settled on a foundation that's rotten at the core. That Onni's life matters less. That Onni dying is a better alternative, to anything at all.

Reynir doesn't speak for a little while. He just clings to Onni, nodding against his shoulder when he asks if Reynir really cares that much. His head feels full and aching with the tears he is still trying to hold back. It would be easier, to just let Onni comfort him. To let all this go, because it's too late to change it. To pretend he is more okay with the situation than he really is.

But hadn't Onni said to him, again and again, that he didn't want any fake smiles? Didn't only want Reynir around when he was being convenient to like? Wanted the truth of him, even with the rough edges, and sadness, and anger? ]

I do understand.

[ His voice is hoarse, and small. There's no fire in it, no anger. All that had drained away, now, and left only a grimy, hollow, listless, bitter feeling. Reynir sighs, shuddery and uneven, and goes on, in halting words: ]

I understand that - you know that losing someone you care about is the worst thing. Worse than just danger. And you're not willing to risk that. After Tuuri.

[ He could just leave it there. There is still time, to leave the rest unsaid. But if he doesn't confront Onni with the harsh truth, who will? It will just fester between them, sour everything. Reynir has done that before. Kept his mouth shut, when he had something to say, until the unsaid things piled so high they cut him off from people, ruined relationships. He's not going to let that happen, here. Even if it means hurting Onni a little, in the short-term. ]

And you don't care as much, if you die. Because even then, you won't be going through the worst thing. I will. And Lalli will. But you won't have to see that.

[ Another wave of that awful fear, that yawning awful emptiness he feels when he thinks about Onni dying and leaving him alone, surges up inside Reynir. He doesn't fight it, just shuts his eyes, another pair of tears falling, onto Onni's shoulder. ]

You think you're keeping everyone safe. But you're not. You're being selfish.

[ He's silent for a few long moments after that, head throbbing and hurting quite badly, now. He can feel Onni's exhaustion, mingling with his own. But buried in all that misery, there is still a stubbornness in Reynir. A hard center of hope that he reaches for, clings to, even as he is hugging Onni to himself as tightly as he can. ]

But it doesn't matter. Because we'll catch up to you. And I'm going to help you take down the kade, and the deal will be completed. And- and even if not, I'll fight that swan myself if I have to. I'm not going to just let her take you.

[scowlish]

[There's some relief when Reynir says he understands, but it doesn't last long. The lack of anger doesn't feel any better because what's behind it is just as ugly and painful, empty and hollow and bitter. Holding Reynir in his arms like he is, it's impossible to ignore that emotional bleed-through, the emotion that accompanies that hoarse, tight voice. Squeezing his eyes shut, Onni keeps his face against Reynir's hair, trying to claw his way back to stability, trying to find some way to comfort himself so he can stop feeling this way, and so Reynir can stop feeling this way. The bleed-through is painful and overwhelming and his entire body feels like it's thrumming with all that held-back emotion.

But part of him does push back when Reynir says that his intention was to avoid losing someone else after losing Tuuri. It's true, but somehow it also doesn't feel right, because it doesn't seem that way in his mind, it isn't just some tactic to avoid pain - he doesn't want them hurt, he doesn't want Lalli to die, doesn't want Lalli or Reynir to not be in the world anymore. It isn't something he'd done just for himself but because the people he could have called on deserved better.

When Reynir calls him selfish, his breath gutters and he stops breathing, and for a moment he's very angry, feels the urge to push Reynir away from him and get out of this situation that suddenly feels nearly unbearable. But he doesn't move, he just forces himself to breathe through a throat and chest that feel closed off with tension.]

I'm not selfish.

[It comes out hoarse and the anger is audible in it. He takes another breath and he resists the temptation to pull away from Reynir so he can look at him, because this will be easier if he's not looking, and he doesn't want to let go.]

I don't want to go through losing anyone else, you're right. But it isn't just that, it's also that I can't...Lalli can't die. You can't die. It's not about how I feel, it's about...neither of you can be gone, it's wrong. Your lives only just started...

[The words come out wrong, he can't convey what he means properly, he's too overwhelmed and can't speak eloquently. And so he just speaks, bluntly.]

It's better if it's me.

[Swallowing hard, he feels that hope, the same way Reynir does, and when Reynir says they're going to catch up, that they're going to complete his mission and that even if they can't Reynir won't let him be taken by the Swan. At that, Onni makes a choked, bitter laugh.]

I don't want to die. I want to just do what I set out to do and come back. But if something goes wrong, it's better if it's me than someone else.

[braidmage]

No, it isn't.

[ The intensity of the fear and shock are subsiding in Reynir, leaving him feeling worn down and hollow, harrowed, like he'd just worked for 20 hours straight. He sniffs, breaths shaky with suppressed tears, and buries his face against Onni's shoulder.

He can feel Onni's anger, now, pushing back against him, over what he'd said. It's a struggle, not to apologize, not to take it back. But Reynir reaches for every bit of stubbornnness in him, and he doesn't take it back. Onni might not be able to hear the truth of it right now, but maybe the words will stay with him. Make him think twice (or, hell, even once) before he risks his life so cheaply again. ]

Don't you see? It's not better if it's you. Not objectively, and- and definitely not to me.

[ Reynir pulls away from Onni's tight hug, reaching up to touch his face. He tugs at the soft sleeve of his nightshirt, uses it to wipe the tears from Onni's cheeks. Reynir tucks Onni's hair away from his face, every touch achingly careful, putting all the love that he doesn't have the words for into those small movements. He brushes his fingertips over Onni's cheek, his own green eyes ringed with pink from his tears. Reynir is, infuriatingly, but perhaps unsurprisingly, someone who looks even more beautiful when he has cried. ]

You can't be gone, either, Onni. Your life... never even got a chance to start. You deserve a chance to start. To have a real, happy, full life.

[ Reynir straightens up, shoulders squaring. Now that he's been awake a little while, that he knows the truth behind it all, the terror that dream held for him is starting to fade. His audaciousness, his stubbornness, his optimism, are beginning to fight back. Jaw clenched, face almost ferocious, he grits out fervently: ]

I'm gonna make sure you do. I'm gonna save you. No matter what it takes. Because I-

[ A hesitation, just a fraction of a moment, before he finishes: ]

-care about you. So you haven't got any say in it.

[scowlish]

[As the intensity of Reynir's emotions starts to fall, Onni finds it easier and easier to get his own under control, and by the time Reynir tells him that it isn't better that it's him if someone dies, he at least has the ability to restrain himself.

And when Reynir tells him that it's not better if it's him, objectively or to Reynir himself, Onni feels most of his anger settle. When Reynir pulls back from him to look at his face, his expression is troubled, and he tolerates Reynir using his sleeve to wipe at his eyes until it gets to the point where he starts to like it. There's something soft and gentle about the way Reynir touches him, his face and then his hair as he pushes it back and out of his eyes. It's long and still has the texture of straw, and Onni isn't sure how Reynir manages to handle it gently. He can't remember the last time someone has handled him this way, gently, and he doesn't know what to make of it, even as he feels something inside himself become more malleable.

It's scary, that feeling of the walls around his emotions softening because if that breaks down, everything inside him will spill out and he won't be able to stop it. That danger becomes more real when Reynir tells him that he can't be gone and that his life hadn't had a chance to start, that he should have a real, happy, full life. Shaking his head almost immediately, Onni exhales a rush of breath.]

I don't think that will happen with my life. We already talked about that, how some parts of me are broken and there's no fixing that.

[And while he'd asserted before, that he didn't mean anything negative by saying he was broken, but now it becomes clear that the type of broken he is hurts him. But there's no getting around it, the trajectory of his life has changed what he's capable of, the type of life he can have going forward.]

There are things that won't happen for me. I accepted that a long time ago. Those things could still happen for you and for Lalli. And...

[But Reynir is carrying on, squaring his shoulders and saying that he's going to save him no matter what it takes because he cares about him. He can feel the stubborn core of Reynir, surprisingly strong and firm considering how soft and malleable he always seems. Especially considering how his eyes look so much more green with red around them and his face pale, his emotions written all over his face so clearly that Onni would be able to tell even if they weren't Bonded. What Reynir is saying is real, and there's no doubting that. Onni just doesn't understand completely.]

I don't understand.

[What else can he say?]

[braidmage]

[ Reynir feels as if there is a knot in his throat, and all the words he wants to say get bunched up behind it. That Onni is giving up on himself too easily. That he isn't broken beyond repair, that all Reynir wants to do is find all the cracks and wounds that life has left in Onni and pour love in them until he feels whole again. That he doesn't want things to happen for him if they're not happening with Onni.

But saying all that wouldn't do any good right now. Reynir might be naive, and he might be a romantic, but he knows better than to think he can heal Onni's trauma by simply loving him. If he told Onni all his feelings, they would be a distraction at best, and at worst... well, he doesn't want to think about that.

So he swallows it all down, expression soft as he runs the backs of his fingers down Onni's cheek. ]

I don't accept that. Any of it.

[ Awful as tonight has been, at least the bandaid has been ripped off. He has a better sense, now, of Onni's mental and emotional state, of just how suicidally reckless he'd really gotten. At least that means Reynir has a better chance of understanding him, of finding real and meaningful ways to help him.

When Onni says he doesn't understand, Reynir smiles, a wan, rueful thing. He murmurs: ]

You don't need to understand. It's still true.

[ And he moves, then, scooting his way up onto the bed and lowering himself down, pulling Onni along with him. There's a twist of guilt in his stomach, as he draws Onni back against his chest, and arm coming around Onni to anchor him, firmly settle him in as the little spoon. Even as he is tangling their legs together and pressing his nose against the top of Onni's spine, Reynir is making justifications in his own head. This is the best way he can think of, to comfort Onni. It's not about his feelings. It's about making Onni feel as safe as he can. ]

Onni... I know that people need secrets. Everybody does, it's only natural. But please, please... don't keep big, dangerous stuff from me. No matter how much you think I'm gonna worry. Otherwise, I'm just. Gonna worry a lot, all the time, even when there's nothing to worry about.

[scowlish]

[There's a little spike of frustration, of stubbornness, when Reynir first says that he doesn't accept it the way Onni does. It's Onni's life, after all, it's his to do what he wants with, he's the one who has to live it, to live with the consequences of his choices. What right does anyone else have to accept how his life is or to not accept it?

But that feeling passes quickly, because Reynir is still looking at him with that miserable but hopeful look on his face, his eyes red-rimmed and so green, his hair a wild mess of flyaways around his face. The feelings soften inside him, and he exhales shakily, eyes on Reynir's face, trying to sort out the messy tangle of thoughts and feelings in his brain and heart. Reynir tells him he doesn't have to understand for it to be true, and he nods because he knows that that's the case. Part of him needs to understand though, and that tension and anxiety twists in his gut.

Or at least it does until Reynir starts moving, tugging at him and guiding him to lie back down on his side, and he goes because it's easy to do and he doesn't have the energy to resist. Isn't sure whether he wants to resist. Lying down is easy, and Reynir arranges himself behind him, pressing his lanky body against his back and pulling at him, tugging his body back against himself, wrapping an arm around him and pressing it against the base of his sternum, and he can feel warm breath against the back of his neck.

There's something viscerally animal about the way that breath and the feeling of being held comforts him, and he can feel the tension bleeding out of his body, slowly but surely. There's still that shaky grief and fear inside him, but it's softened to a dull throb instead of something acute and overwhelming. So when Reynir tells him he understands that people need secrets, that it's natural, but asks him not to keep big dangerous secrets, because those will only worry Reynir more. Closing his eyes, Onni's brow furrows a little, and he nods.]

Okay.

[It comes out soft and a little shaky.]

I can't think of anything else, right now.

[braidmage]

[ Reynir can feel Onni relaxing, his breaths coming slower and deeper, his pulse lowering. He is glad that he had followed his instinct to comfort Onni this way. Reynir lets his eyes slide shut, just keeps on inhaling and exhaling, deep and rhythmic. He gathers together all the reassurance and hope and peace that he can, focusing on those feelings. He nurtures them, like a tiny flame he wants to coax into a campfire. Some of that will have to spill over into Onni, won't it?

And is there anything so wrong with that? If Onni is having trouble finding hope on his own, why can't Reynir share a little of his own? It's just a more direct way of comforting a friend.

He exhales a warm breath against the base of Onni's neck, making a soft sound of acknowledgment when Onni says he can't think about anything else. ]

Yeah. Don't blame you.

[ He can't help thinking how easily their bodies fit together, even with his ungainly height. It feels right, with his arm around Onni, hand pressed flat to his chest, holding him tight and secure.

Even if Onni hadn't said what he did, Reynir would already know a distraction isn't going to do much good tonight. But maybe there's another way, to draw Onni's thoughts out of the darkest corners. ]

Obviously, I'm not glad about - that deal, and you taking such a big risk, and all. But... I am glad you got to see her again.

[scowlish]

[Keeping his eyes closed, Onni focuses on breathing evenly, on not letting himself be swallowed up in all the mess inside him, everything that's tangled together in such an ugly way. When Reynir starts to focus on channeling some combination of emotions that's soothing and calming through their Bond, he tries his best to allow it into himself, to take it and allow himself to feel it, to let it affect him. Reynir's body is warm and his breath stirs the hair at the back of Onni's neck, he swallows hard and allows himself to relax into the bed a little more.

Reynir's hand is flat and pressed against his chest, firm and solid, almost constraining, and something about that makes him feel safe. Onni doesn't feel safe very often, it's a strange feeling, unfamiliar and good in a way that feels instinctive. When Reynir says he's not glad about the deal he's made but is glad that he gets to see her again, he feels a horrible gut-wrenching pull inside himself, and one of his breaths comes out as a sob, choking and with a guttural edge.]

I miss her.

[His voice is tight, tense, and difficult to get out, difficult to form into words.]

Even just before I came here, I had her with me, her spirit. I could talk to her. She scolded me and looked out for me.

[It's building back up again, that grief and emptiness and loneliness, but he doesn't want to cry anymore, his eyes and throat hurt, his gut hurts.]

[braidmage]

[ Reynir feels that grief, gut lurching as if he's missed a step and begun falling. It is a cold vortex, sucking him downwards. He doesn't fight against it, even when his own eyes well with sudden, hot with tears. He just breathes through it, and, when he's able, focuses on that peace once again. It's only a small bit of warmth, a bead of light in the darkness, but he doesn't let it go out. ]

I know it's not the same, but... I miss her, too.

[ He gives a tiny, hiccupy laugh when Onni says Tuuri had scolded him. There's nothing he can say, to make that grief any less. No words to change the reality of the situation. Even if Onni had gotten a little more time with Tuuri's spirit, he is still going to have to say goodbye. And she'll still be gone and the world a little less bright without her in it.

But Reynir knows he should say something. Even if the words can't hope to heal the wound of her death. ]

That sounds like her.

[ She had scolded Onni, too, then. Worried about him, done her best to keep him safe. So Reynir has to do his best to keep that up, in this place. He has to look out for Onni, not only because Onni deserves it, and not only because he's in love with him, but because it's what Tuuri would want. He's sure of it.

Reynir murmurs: ]

So she's... a little bird, now?

[ He'd only caught the briefest glimpse, in the dream, before everything had gone to hell. ]

[scowlish]

[It's strange, how something so small can be so bright. When he feels that grief surging up in him, he knows it's going through the Bond to Reynir, but he can also feel the way that Reynir keeps that little light of hope going, that peaceful feeling that slowly starts to drown out the worst of the grief until it's tolerable. Reynir says that he misses her too, and that he knows it isn't the same, but Onni shakes his head a little.]

You knew her for a long time. And...I imagine you got along well, didn't you? You seem like the sort of person she would have liked.

[Closing his eyes for a moment, he tries to hold onto that control granted him by Reynir's tiny candle flame of hope and peace, and the viscerally grounding sensation of being held close to another person's body. It takes him a few moments to get himself back to that emotional baseline that allows him to talk without his throat aching.]

Yes. Even before...before...she would scold me, but it's been more lately, since that deal. She's a little bird now, yes...tiny and fluffy, a little see-through. A spirit. But she speaks with her own voice, and...and I would know it anywhere.

[His throat is closing up a little again, his chest heaves a little as he fights another sob. The loneliness is almost tangible in him, like an infected sliver. He has Lalli, still, or at least he had before that lie, and he loves Lalli furiously, but he still feels like he's alone in this world. Without his immediate family, without that tie back to his parents and the home he'd lost, he feels unmoored.]

I can't be alone.

[It comes out as a choked whisper.]

[braidmage]

We did. She and Mikkel were the only ones who spoke any Icelandic, and he isn't a really big talker. And... we had a lot of time to kill together, 'cause they'd always leave us in the tank when it might be dangerous outside.

[ Reynir's breath hitches, half a laugh and half a sob, when Onni describes Tuuri's spirit. Fluffy. Yes, that sounds right. He can picture her, a small, round, transparent little thing, fluttering and fussing over her brother. It aches, imagining that, but the love is, for that moment, stronger than the grief.

It's good, this reminder, this confirmation that Tuuri isn't really gone. That troll that had burst through the floor and infected her hadn't destroyed her. She is just somewhere else, now. ]

Onni...

[ Reynir can feel that loneliness, pulling down on him, a leaden weight so intense it is nearly a physical thing. Is this what Onni feels, all the time? Reynir remembers him saying once that he didn't feel lonely, but what a lie that had been, whether Onni realized it or not. He tightens his arms around Onni, pulling him against his chest. Anchoring him, even as he says: ]

You aren't alone. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere.

[ If Onni had been thinking Reynir was going back to his own bed any time tonight, he was sorely mistaken. Reynir has every intention of laying here and holding Onni for as long as Onni needs, whether or not either of them get any more sleep. ]

We're Bonded. That means... even when I'm on the other side of the city, you're not alone. And even after we go back through those mirrors, you aren't alone, either. Because we're connected. You've seen it, and felt it. So you won't be alone. I won't let you.