[open] Trying to find inner peace

[zewu_jun]

Who: Lan Xichen and OPEN to anyone
When: April
Where: In the dream and around Aef
What: Memory sharing, training, and meeting people (and thugs)
Warnings: some blood and slight self-harm in the last prompt


I. Training in the waking world

[Lan Xichen has found a quit spot outside of the Bright Wall. It's less secure, but sometimes you need a place with a little danger, especially if you are practicing the spells he wants to practice. He doesn't see anyone around and at the moment there are no Shades or animals hunting, so he draws his sword and focuses his magic around it. After a few minutes, he does get it to glow. Raising the blade, Xichen slices across the air in front of him, sending the shine flying out away from the edge in an arc that actually cuts a tree a few feet away. The glow dies immediately, but he looks satisfied.]

It can be done after all. Once you learn to fish, it just takes finding the right pool.

II. Around the city

[It might be in the library or the apothecary. It might even be the streets where Xichen is shopping at the time. But he keeps asking wherever he is about information.]

Excuse me, I need help. I wish to ask for advice on how monsters handle their health. I know there are many different variables... What should I do to help ease transformations?

[He's collecting pamphlets and books, various home remedies and recipes that both other witches and monsters around town offer him. Some are a little more unreliable than others, though, and sooner or later the man is going to get swindled. Some even offer to show him personally, just down this side street here. Since he's pretty and offering to buy so much, he must have money, right?]

III. Dream World Memories
[Lan Xichen's mirror is decorated simply, with cloud motifs carved in the sides and a few intricate flowers and petals seeming to rain down one side. The rest is marked by tiny characters carved in straight, orderly lines. Some might recognize these as words, rules, in fact, written into the frame of the mirror in perfect columns. Lan Xichen stands outside it, taking in the whole piece with a slight frown. Then he reaches out to the glass, making it ripple. Sighing, he steps through.]

Memory A; something pleasant
[The air in the memory is crisp and fresh. Surrounded by trees and fog, a small gathering of buildings lies hidden on a remote mountainside. The place is decorated with idyllic waterside pavilions and gardens, making it seem like a picturesque fantasy surrounded by a white wall. At the entrance, two groups of men are talking, apparently each on their way through the door going in opposite directions. One group is led by Lan Wangji, looking stern and cool as usual, and the other is Lan Xichen. Off to one side behind Lan Wangji, an unhappy looking man in darker robes is clinging to a donkey like it might save him from some horrible fate.

"Wangji never brings guests home. Who is this?"

The darker clad man steps forward like he's about to speak, but suddenly his mouth closes tightly, Lan Wangji's glare apparently being the source of the spell. The younger Lan instead poses his own question, changing topics abruptly so the "guest" can't share his name or protest. The two brothers converse a little, and as they finish, visitor manages to open his mouth again. Lan Xichen smiles as he and his group get ready to move on.

"It's not often that you being someone home like this in such good spirits. You should treat your guest with more courtesy than this."

As Lan Xichen and his party leave the grounds, behind them, they can hear Lan Wangji's voice distinctly say drag him inside. Xichen laughs quietly, shaking his head as he continues his walk and everyone fades away into the mists.

Memory B; on the run (a bit of blood within)

[In a random town with streets lined with full carts and market traffic, a young man hurries through parting crowds. The white robes, even dirty and smudged with ash, still stand out enough to be recognizable, causing people to avert their eyes as well as draw away from him as he pushes himself to keep going, clutching a bundle of salvaged books in his arms.

"Who is that? He looks like he's in bad shape."

"Shh, don't bother with him. That's one of the Lan disciples."

"I heard that the Lan clan dared to insult the Wens. Guess that's what you get when you pick fights with someone bigger than you."

"Isn't it just because they control neighboring territories? The Wen clan was looking for a good excuse to move in."

"Who cares? That's cultivator business. Just ignore him before someone actually comes looking and spots him here. Then they'll burn down our home too."

The boy goes right past the group of gossips, not looking up as he passes, but coming too close to one of them, the man shoves him aside and his strength gives out, blood joining the stains on his robes as he falls to his knees.

"Get the hell out of here! We don't want troublemakers in our city."

Dragging himself back to his feet, the young Lan Xichen keeps moving before he incites more anger. As he stumbles to the edge of the memory's space, a soft voice comes through: Are you all right? Then the figures all disappear before restarting again.]

Memory C; breaking up isn't easy (blood and self-harm within)

[The memory is just of Lan Xichen himself, alone in a clearing beyond Cloud Recesses. He's sitting in the forest with a guqin, playing a song on the strings. It sounds pleasant enough, but there is something off about it, making the air thick and suffocating. The more he plays, the worse the feeling gets until every new note is nauseating, causing pain as the sounds seem to vibrate through bones and flesh.

He doesn't stop playing.

Looking ahead, Xichen continues to pluck each sour note, repeating the chords until he suddenly jerks forward, coughing blood and cutting his fingers on the strings as his hand spasms. He goes still, catching his breath in the quiet, and then gently moves the instrument back into position to begin again. Luckily, the memory fades there, leaving an otherwise pleasant forest.]

Comments

[taciturnly]

( unadulterated horror flashes in his eyes. bond with him. the implications are just too much, even more so because he knows his brother, and he doesn’t seem of a mind to deny him. dangerous. the average man might sin out of desperation, and later on regret his actions. jin guangyao kept on lying in-between confessions, and lan xichen’s justification sounds a little too convenient for lan wangji to accept.

his answer is immediate, almost an impulse empty of his usual poise, the way wei wuxian might speak out of turn, without thinking. ) And you would reward him? ( for his lack of decency? his inability to restrain himself? this is what a bond with jin guangyao could mean, leaving his brother even more vulnerable, stripped bare for his sworn brother to manipulate at will. lan wangji grits his teeth, nausea rolling in his stomach as he struggles to keep calm, hot and cold down his spine. ) He betrayed you. ( clipped, strained on the last syllable, barely audible with the growing knot in his throat. )

[zewu_jun]

[Lan Xichen winces and looks away, both from the painful truth of the words and his brother's anger. He knows that Wangji is angry for his sake, but it still hurts to see how upset his brother is because he can't make the choice he knows should be easy.]

I'm not rewarding him.

[He won't, he thinks, not this time. Even though as he thinks that he feels a little sick himself, he stands his ground.]

I know what he has done. I haven't forgotten any of it. But I can't-

[There are a lot of ways he could finish that sentence. None of them are probably good or wanted at the moment. Xichen sighs.]

If it's not me, then he'll find someone else. I at least know him well enough. More than others here will know him.

[taciturnly]

( better someone else than his dearly beloved brother, but when has anything been simple in the lan family. never, and lan wangji’s face shutters, already feeling as though it’s a battle he can’t win. he doesn’t want to fight him. for all his own stubbornness, lan xichen makes for a worthy contender, leaving the younger witch at a momentary loss for words. it’s extremely unnerving, and his anger changes, morphs into less, more; he doesn’t know anymore, staring down the length of his own body as a tremor runs through his arm, a trembling hand around bichen. )

Xiōngzhǎng. ( budding pressure swells behind his eyes; he looks up, an echo of his heartbeat thundering in his ears. ) Your devotion could not stop him before. ( and if lan xichen doesn’t abandon him, someone else might. what then? ) Would you allow me to bond with him? ( what if the roles were reversed? )

[zewu_jun]

[It's an unfair question in Xichen's eyes. Wangji already knows that he would never risk his health or safety with something like bonding to Jin Guangyao. He might still have feelings for his sworn brother, but he's also very aware of the bad intentions that exist and how Jin Guangyao can turn moods so quickly.]

The two of you will never get along. I wouldn't intentionally make you suffer his company when I know how much he has done. And he also wouldn't tolerate it.

[Xichen can't completely keep the edge of hurt from his eyes as he looks at his brother. While his gaze has always been the warmer of the two, for a moment some ice makes it into the brown of them.]

He's been quiet since coming to the city. He already has the transformation to deal with on top of his injuries. He can't cause too much trouble while he's in that state. I can watch him.

[taciturnly]

( it is an unfair question. he knew the answer, and he’d never willingly bond with jin guangyao. all he wanted was for his brother to understand his position, to know that no matter what, lan wangji will never condone such a relationship.

he wishes he could feel a sliver of sympathy for his sworn brother, if only to soothe lan xichen’s troubles. he can’t, and it kills him that the older witch struggles still, conflicted and pained, a reflection of lan wangji’s own gaze. it doesn’t stem from the same kind of unrest, but it’s just as raw, sharp from fresh visions.

moisture gathers at the corner of his eyes. he lets it, swallowing past the lump in his throat as silence hangs between them for a few moments, lan wangji’s mouth pursed downward. ) Wei Ying died for his treachery. ( indirectly. would he have known the same fate without jin guangyao’s insidious tricks? maybe. probably. he’d already reached a certain point, even before jin zixuan’s death, where no one was willing to listen, but lan wangji is suddenly too overwhelmed to think and his gaze drifts down, right arm dropping limp to his side. ) How much are you willing to lose, for Jin Guangyao’s sake?

[zewu_jun]

Wangji.

[Xichen breathes his name out in hurt surprise and anger, not really at his brother but at the potential disaster he brings forward. Saying it out loud, even if Wangji doesn't specifically lay it out, makes his chest ache so much that his voice feels weak. He raises his chin, commanding himself to hold firm and maintain his dignity with his answer, but seeing his brother's tears only causes his own eyes to feel wet. He trembles against the strain of keeping still, concentrating on breathing so he doesn't fall apart before he can deliver any answer at all.]

None of it.

[It's all he can do to hold back from crying. What a pathetic answer to give in that moment. He's not willing to sacrifice any of the people he loves to Jin Guangyao's crafty nature, but he's also not willing to abandon Jin Guangyao. It's a battle without any hope for victory and yet Xichen stands there, still refusing to give up on the objectively bad feelings he still holds.]

[taciturnly]

( if lan wangji eventually acknowledged his heart and answered its call, he first had to learn how. lan xichen showed him. taught him. saved him even, in more ways than one, and the scars on his back remind him every day that, oddly enough, he ended up doing the right thing. if there’s one thing he doesn’t want, aside from the obvious, it’s for his brother to find himself in the same position he was once in. judged. frowned upon and ultimately punished for following his own heart, even though lan wangji will never fully understand. as different as the situations are, they connect somewhere in the middle, and lan xichen’s anguish is so palpable in the tension between them he feels like he might be on the verge of choking.

his lips tremble on a broken exhale, one tear rolling down his cheek. just like that, his mind’s made up. maybe it’s the impact his bonded has had on him. maybe it’s the gravity, the impossibility or the peculiarity of their new reality. whatever the cause, there’s only a sliver of hesitation in lan wangji’s gait as he breaches the distance between them. he may loath jin guangyao and everything he’s done… but he loves his brother a thousand times more.

and so he takes his hand. grabs it gently and gives it a light squeeze, i’m here, no words to explain what he’s trying to convey. if nothing else, he’ll be his shield, his eyes, should lan xichen be blindsided again. )

[zewu_jun]

[His younger brother has never really been one to yell, but Xichen knows that even Lan Wangji has a limit. He isn't wrong to hate or fear the man that caused pain to so many people, and Xichen can't really blame his brother for being angry about the threats against Wei Wuxian, but even that disgust isn't enough to drive him away from the gentle voice that had once saved his life. Maybe it was a lie even back then, but for whatever reason Jin Guangyao had chosen to be kind to him for so many years and that kindness had made a home in Lan Xichen's heart.

He closes his eyes, prepared to submit himself to the angry words ahead. He doesn't think Wangji will be daring enough to lash out at him, but he has every right to scold him for such inappropriate behavior. What he's not expecting is the hand taking his, holding it with a reassuring pressure. His eyes open wise, surprise making them sting so that he can't stop the tears before they flow down his face and make his breaths shudder. There aren't enough apologies to excuse him and he doesn't trust gratitude to make it past the lump in his throat. So Xichen presses his lips together and squeezes his brother's hand, past the trembling, making a silent promise instead to protect them all, even if it seems impossible.]

[taciturnly]

( it’s difficult to stay mad at someone you always looked up to. someone who was always there for you, when no one else was. lan xichen has always been too kind for his own good, but what is right, and what is wrong. what is black and what is white, and lan wangji stands beside him with squared shoulders, sniffling like hanguang-jun has never sniffled before. it reminds him of his youth, back when he was a child, but the roles seem reversed now, and lan wangji carefully pulls away. )

Xiōngzhǎng. ( he blinks too fast, resists the urge to rub his eyes and wipe his nose. ) Chifeng-zun will not easily condone your bond with Jin Guangyao. ( especially if he knows exactly what happened. ) Nor will I. ( he averts his gaze then, bowing with his arms in front of him as droplets hit the ground. ) But you are my brother. ( and i love you. it’s a promise, a warning. lan wangji will show no mercy if lan xichen ever comes to harm, in any way, vowing in fewer words to keep a steady watch on jin guangyao. )

[zewu_jun]

[He can't completely hide the brief look of desperate hurt in his eyes as Wangji pulls away, because as much as he has tried and will always try to be a supportive brother, there is a feeling of loneliness in knowing he's managed to cross that line with the one member of his family that he is closest to. Xichen looks down, shame cast to the ground so Wangji doesn't have to see it on him, and he nods his understanding.

The worst part of it all is that he made Wangji cry. It was something he had sworn never to do, because those who Wangji loved had already done so far too many times that should ever be permissible. Xichen wasn't going to add to that list, and yet he selfishly ended up in the same place for even worse reasons than they ever had. He lifts his head, eyes still wet and strained, and reaches out to gently lower his brother's arms.]

You are the best example of our sect. You always have been. I trust your heart as much as I trust my own, and I don't wish you to hold back anything for my sake. If I stray too far, then you should be stern with me as well. I will always listen to you.