middaeg | [closed] winter pool time

[That's.

That's a lot in a few sentences.

So, easy one first:]

I'm going to teach you how to feed properly in the near future. Remind me.

[There. The rest? The rest is harder.]

I think I wanted that for a while.

[ Excuse you!! ]

What do you mean properly? Ciaran hasn't died on me whenever I drink from him.

[ But that other part is just... oh and Trevor has... no idea how to respond to it. ]

[Yeah. We're leaving that comment alone in favor of the other.

The other which means so much silence now.]

[ It's the silence that really gets him. The way Alucard just stands there with him and Trevor... has no idea what to think. What to say. What to FEEL. He'd only just accused Alucard of pretending to care with their Bond not even a week ago. Now they kissed. Now Alucard seems to be spilling out things that mean something more than he had thought?? And then Sypha is here now and he doesn't know how he feels for her because he's been trying to forget about her since he arrived here and just... fuck. He can't handle this shit. Where's a monster to beat up when you need it?

So he swallows then and looks away, teeth dragging over his lower lip. ]

Alucard... [ His voice is soft, unsure. ] ...you don't need to prove anything to me or try to convince me otherwise about what I said. Please just... I need you to understand that.

[ Don't fuck with him, please. ]

[The silence could choke them both, couldn't it? It keeps sucking up the air in the space between them, until Alucard wants to claw at his own throat. The emotional roller coaster needs to stop. Somehow. He doesn't care how at this point so long as there's resolution.

Forced resolution isn't wise either, but it's all they have.]

Is it easier if I ask what you ultimately want?

Not really.

[ Because hell if he knows the answer to that question. You know, aside from not be a vampire. ]

Can... I ask you though... [ And no, he doesn't want to but he does at the same time. ] ...you said Sypha and I left and you remained at the Hold. How did we leave? I mean... were we...

It was edging towards that, from where I stood.

[Alucard breathes out slowly. The tension needs to stop.]

[ Edging towards that...

Trevor's silent for a long moment, gaze lingering on the ground before he finally hums and just... sighs. Maybe a bit sadly, turning in his wet cloak which he holds against him. ]

We should get going. I feel tired being in the sun so much.

...Is that what you would've preferred?

[It's asked softly. Far too many nerves.]

[ Alucard, you bastard. Don't make him keep going on about this when he's done a pretty decent job at pushing it all down the months he's been here. ]

I don't want to talk about it.

[ But then- ]

Look, I don't know, ok?

[ He stops, hand rubbing across his eyes as he turns to face Alucard. ]

I've tried to forget about her since we first found ourselves here because it felt like for the first time in a very long time, I had someone who cared about me and I maybe started to care about as well and I didn't want to have to deal with that shit all over again of losing that. So I told myself, if I just forget about her, then it never fucking happened.

[ It all pours out of him, things he's kept so buried within him. ]

But I had you. An annoying little shit of a bastard who gets on my damn nerve a lot of the time, but I still had you and you had me. Or I thought I did. I get it. You were upset with what you were and what happened. But maybe I... I don't know. Tried in whatever way I could, be there for you because you were all I had and maybe you started to grow on me, asshole you can be. Why do you think I would take your hand or fucking pat your damn head as a giant bat? I don't know how the fuck to show someone I care, ok? But you were always off doing whatever and anytime I tried to maybe be a bit closer, it felt like you pulled away so I took the fucking hint.

[ And he just... sighs. A shake of his head. ]

So I don't fucking know what I feel, ok? I'm dying. That's all I know for sure.

Edited 2020-02-11 04:05 (UTC)

[Alucard's listening carefully. Brow furrowed intently, because this is a crux and he's dragged them both to this point. Maybe it would have happened organically. Maybe it wouldn't have, because Sypha would be here and everything would just be focused on her, leaving the dhampir off to the side and further wrapped up in his own emotional nonsense while the other two stepped forward together. Like what it'd be back home over time, the other two visiting the castle and the Hold but never truly staying.

He's demanded Trevor's vulnerability. The bare minimum Alucard can do is listen and read between the lines.

But it doesn't demand that. Not really.]

I'm sorry. [Not for dragging them bothto this point. That they needed this is clear now.] I realized you were trying, but I didn't know how to respond because I was wrapped up in myself. That was unfair and cruel. I won't defend those actions or add commentary. Nothing is defensible. I failed you, her, and those vows.

[He did. He'd understand if Trevor wanted to call things off based on that criteria alone, in truth. Maybe he was looking for the excuse to do it.

The idea of forgetting Sypha makes Alucard ache, but for a different reason. He won't tell Sypha that. It's for Trevor to share or, more likely, not.]

I care for you and Sypha deeply. I am very bad at expressing it. I knew that in words I would always fail, but had hoped that in action, I'd improve somewhat. I clearly haven't.

I don't know where things go from here, beyond endless apologizing on my end.

[ This is just... a damn nightmare, in a sense. NONE OF THIS was supposed to ever see the light of day and yet, here he is, just spilling his guts out to one of the two people he didn't want to. Ever.

But Alucard speaks and... he has no fucking idea what to say. No surprise there. He feels... so much. TOO MUCH and it makes him dizzy in a sense. The sun and not having fed also doesn't help, but. He just ignores that. He's good at doing that. ]

You don't have to apologize. Like I said... I get it. I get being wrapped up in yourself and not caring.

[ He's done it himself for... how many years?? ]

Just... I don't know.

There's a difference between getting it and it being appropriate and fair to other people.

[Alucard falls into silence. Walks past Trevor, and when he does, extends his hand back if Trevor wants to take it.]

Let's go find Sypha and get out of here.

[ He doesn't take Alucard's hand. Rather, he tucks his hands into his soggy cloak, following along with his head just... a fucking mess. He doesn't know anything right now.

But getting out of here... that sounds like a good idea. ]

[The hand drops. And Alucard withdraws further into himself.

The Belmont is right. They've solved nothing.]

[closed] winter pool time

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