middaeg | Are you brave enough to see? [open]

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Are you brave enough to see? [open]

Who: Berserker (Cú Chulainn Alter) and you!
When: Throughout Feoveuer
Where: The Wilde
What: Wilde Quest #2 Dragon's Den -- a dragon would like you to stop leaving him food offerings and go away
Warnings: none

((NOTE: Berserker will be in his full-sized dragon form, meaning he's about the size of an elephant, so keep that in mind!))

[ 1. Will you bite the hand that feeds? (Existing CR) ]

[ Food has been showing up at the mouth of the den he'd set up since he showed up in the Wilde. It's been an annoyance and it's not like he can tell them to cut it the fuck out. Instead, he just moves the offerings inside (mostly to prevent drawing in any wild creatures that might want to partake). Well, at least he won't go hungry.

Nearby footsteps draw his attention from where he's laying. He peeks his head out of the den and narrows his eyes. The dragon recognizes who's coming and huffs out a sigh. ]

... You came to find me, didn't you? Don't tell me you brought food, too.

[ 2. Will you chew until it bleeds? (New CR) ]

[ The sound of something being dropped near the opening of his temporary home gets Berserker to stand up and look out. It's not a mirrorbound that's familiar to him, so he's not about to be very friendly to them -- he's out here to be alone, after all. ]

Leave what you've brought and go before my kindness runs out.

[ Someone is a cranky boy. ]

[ 3. Will you get up off your knees? (Wildcard) ]

[ Did we plot something? Have an idea for this quest? Drop me a starter or PM me here or on Discord glitzkrieg#0673 and we can work something out! ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ He wants to pull his arm away, but he doesn't. There's so much shame and worthlessness burning inside of him that he doesn't know what to do. It's an awful, restless pain -- he wants to stop feeling anything at all again. ]

It's my burden to carry. [ The effect his absence and treatment had had on Diarmuid and Flat was known to him. He'd felt the fear from Flat and the unpleasant emotions from Diarmuid...They didn't deserve to suffer because he did. ] I don't...I don't need help.

[ His voice quavers and frustration grows in him again. ]

I need time.

[ And he wants to feel anything other than the pain he's felt lately. ]

[ Waver's fingers wrap loosely, gently around his wrist. It's the only form of contact he offers for now, giving Berserker the opportunity to pull away if he wants and not wanting to push unwanted touches on him if he doesn't want that. It would have been an embrace if Waver was more sure of himself, but he's not. ]

Okay.

[ He's silent for a moment, trying to understand and put to words the frustration that he feels too. Why does it feel so uncomfortable that Berserker keeps insisting this? Why does it make Waver want to shake sense into him? He cares about and is worried about Berserker, of course. But it's more than that...

There's something in Berserker's insistence on his own weakness because of what happened that only makes Waver feel worse about his inability to take back what he'd done. If Berserker was weak, then Waver had no hope at all.

But it feels like they'll be talking in circles if he tries to point that out. Instead, Waver presents another viewpoint. ]

What if it was Diarmuid?

What if he said that to you -- not needing help, being weak because of a horrible thing done to him by someone else, out of his control?

[ ...that might not be too far from the truth if such a scenario came around, Waver realizes, but he's hoping that's not what Berserker focuses on. ]

[ It just hurts. It's pain with no outlet. The pain settles in his chest as he clenches his fists. He didn't want to discuss this, he just wanted time to process it. This is the last thing he wanted. ]

...I don't want to talk about this. Why can't you just accept what I say? Why do you have to keep prodding at it to understand?

[ Tearing at wounds still unhealed. ]

[ Wincing, Waver pulls away, letting go entirely and taking a step back. ]

...I'm sorry.

[ Why does he have to push?

It's because he's selfish. That's the real answer, Waver knows. It's because it makes him feel bad and weak and useless, and because he doesn't want to accept a reality where Berserker's ruined wings and the scars on his back remind Waver every time of that weakness and that horrible beast that probably still lurks somewhere inside him. He'd done that. He hadn't meant to, but he had.

Just like he'd hurt Flat the night of the mists. And maybe he'd hurt others, too. Maybe he'd done worse.

He'd never accepted the term 'Monster.' Maybe it's because this is what he'd always been afraid of. ]

You're right.

I overstepped.

[ Berserker moves away to sit on the makeshift bed, slumped with his elbows on his knees, head lowered. It's all too much for him to handle. The pain had been eased a little when he'd spent time with Flat and Diarmuid, allowing himself to be in their company for the night; now it's as if nothing had changed.

A selfish urge overcomes him and he doesn't want to act on it. Without looking up, he asks in a quiet, weak voice. ]

...Sit with me.

[ He wants to feel anything other than this pain right now. ]

[ Once again, Waver had expected to be kicked out. Once again, Berserker surprises him.

He hesitates for a few breaths, lingering in the same spot like a deer frozen in the lights of an oncoming car. Any moment now, he expects it to crash into him. He expects Berserker to get angry again.

Seeing him so worn down and sad is way worse. ]

...okay. If that's what you want.

[ Carefully, Waver lowers himself onto the pile of blankets that serves as a bed in this lonely place. He doesn't reach out for Berserker again, though, waiting for the dragon to make any first move he wants. ]

[ What comes next is an act of desperation, so maybe he can feel something other than this pain right now. Berserker gently grabs a hold of Waver and pulls him closer, kissing him suddenly...Then the foolishness of it all hits him and he freezes. ]

...I shouldn't have done that.

[ It does startle him.

The sudden motion, being grabbed like that, the instant spike in adrenaline bordering dangerously on fear-- Waver freezes up, and his mouth is open and technically receptive to the kiss, but he doesn't kiss back even if he can't pull away either. He's caught between the anxiety and the guilt, instincts screaming fight or flight while he mind says--

It's the least you could do, you beast.

After only succeeding in hurting Berserker more when he wanted to help him, if this is what Berserker needs to feel better, there's no reason to refuse.

Waver doesn't pull away even when Berserker breaks from him. ]

It's fine. You can go ahead.

[ What's most frustrating is that he doesn't even know if it will truly help; it might only serve to exacerbate what he feels. It's a chance, though, that maybe he'll feel better. Maybe it'll make Waver feel better, too.

Slower this time, more deliberate, he kisses Waver again and brings up a hand to cup his cheek. Berserker's thumb gently strokes his cheekbone as he opens his mouth to deepen the kiss. This is all a distraction, isn't it...? A distraction he needs, even if it's one that he feels guilty for indulging in. ]

[ It does not make Waver feel better.

But, if this is what Berserker wants and what will help him, he can offer this much. It's easy.

This time, Waver kisses back. He lets instinct take over along with muscle memory and retreats, letting his mind go blank and his jaw go slack, allowing Berserker to take what he wants. He leans into the touch of Berserker's familiarly cool fingers and arches close. ]

[ Something about this doesn't feel right and he stops. It's making him feel worse. Berserker backs off and looks ashamed again. ]

...Don't just give into me. If you don't want it, I don't want to take it from you.

[ It's unfair and it just serves to make him feel worse. A beast is a beast...He'd attacked three people in his captivity, how was acting on this sort of instinct any better than those?

Besides, Diarmuid may never forgive him if he did anything to knowingly hurt Waver. He couldn't bear that. ]

[ Waver stops too. He feels worse too.

He just wanted to help, and he's made everything worse. ]

I'm sorry.

[ He whispers again, head down, ears down, making himself small beside Berserker. ]

I don't know what I want.

[ ...no, that's not true. He knows what he wants, but not how to make it happen.

Without looking back up, Waver leans closer, resting his forehead on Berserker's shoulder. ]

I didn't mean to hurt you more.

[ This is the pain he deserves for everything, isn't it? For everything he did when he was alive, for those he slaughtered without mercy. Why should he feel anything but pain and suffering now that he can feel? Berserker just sits in silence with his hands at his side. Disgust joins the rest of the negative emotions tormenting him; at least it's a different feeling. That's what he wanted, isn't it?

He wants to be alone -- he deserves to be alone. ]

...You have nothing to apologize for.

[ He doesn't know what else he can say without making this even worse, so he says nothing more. At least he's not bonded to Waver so he can't feel this torrent inside of him right now. Why can't he go back to feeling nothing again...? ]

I acted on a stupid, self-indulgent desire and I shouldn't have.

You wanted comfort. It's natural.

[ It feels wrong that he needs to seek it from Waver, though. He has no one better right now.

Maybe he should leave... go ask Diarmuid to come instead. Berserker will be happier to see him.

Waver doesn't move. ]

What do you want, right now?

[ He doesn't want to say what he wants. This vulnerability is so painful already...Berserker stares intently down at the ground as the ache in his chest only grows. He wants to feel something, anything other than the distress he feels.

His shoulders slump again and he keeps his gaze on the floor. ]

It doesn't matter.

[ He's slid back so far that he's convinced himself his wants don't matter anymore. ]

...I just don't want to feel like this anymore.

[ He doesn't want to feel anything anymore. ]

[ Finally, Waver lifts his head again. They're still close enough to kiss, but he doesn't try. ]

I'm sorry I made you feel like I don't care what you want.

That's not true. It matters. And it matters to me.

I don't want you to feel like this either.

[ He can't imagine exactly what 'like this' could mean, the full depth of it-- but he has some idea, and it's awful enough. ]

[ He's not going to try again; the urge has left him and all that's left is the awful discomfort from before. It sits in his chest like a weight he can barely lift. ]

...You should go. Go back to the city and be with someone who is capable of caring like you need them to.

[ Berserker doesn't raise his head still. Everything hurts. It would be better if Waver went back and sought out Iskandar or Diarmuid instead of staying in this cave with a broken man who can't handle his emotions. ]

[ Waver draws back slightly further, sitting up beside him. His hand settles, tentatively, on Berserker's thigh. ]

Are you saying that because you would feel better if I left, or because you think I would?

[ Again, Berserker doesn't move or try to pull away. He remains in his withdrawn position, looking like a shell of his usual self. ]

I don't know. You'd be better off if you went back. None of this is your problem to deal with...

Don't worry about me. I can make my own decisions.

I want to know how you feel.

[ Is this because of their argument earlier? Did he really leave such a harsh impression that he doesn't care what Berserker wants?

Waver kicks himself mentally, feeling even guiltier than before, and he knows it's his own fault.

But he can't dwell on that. Not when Berserker looks so lost.

Gently, he rubs his hand over Berserker's knee and thigh -- not suggestive in any way, only comforting. ]

Will it help you to shift back? You don't have to stay in this form for my sake.

Or to lie down, and I'll stay with you?

[ It's because of a lot of things. Being denied his humanity for a week set him back further than he'd like to admit and it hurt. He'd been used the same way he had been as a Servant or even by Medb and that was enough to make him slide back to how he was before. He'd undone so much of the previous progress that it made Diarmuid cry when he called himself nothing more than a beast. ]

I don't know what will help it. [ He doesn't have the capacity to deal with emotional pain like this. How do you deal with something you've never let yourself experience before? ] Sometimes...Sometimes there isn't a solution. And you have to accept that.

[ Berserker does make a move to lay down. It probably won't help him feel any better, but it's better than sitting up at the moment. ]

I know. I'm sorry.

[ Waver bites back the argument that he didn't mean it would solve anything, that he only wanted to help. It's selfish again. If he wants to help, he needs to let Berserker feel like he has a choice and is allowed to want and need things on his own. That's not something Waver can force him to learn.

He is deeply aware of the conditions they were kept in, how they'd been stripped of any shred of humanity their captors could tear from them. For Berserker, it seems to have been even worse than it had been for him-- though if that's because of how he was treated or his past, much of which Waver doesn't know, he can't begin to guess. It doesn't matter.

He can see the impact of it here. ]

It's not an easy fix. But it could help to try.

Do you want me to lie down with you?

[ He's not sure if he's asking too many questions now, but he just really doesn't want Berserker to feel like he's taking any decisions or choices away from him anymore. ]

[ The questions are beginning to irritate him, but he internalizes that feeling. He doesn't want to turn any of this painful negativity on Waver. Lashing out doesn't do anything but make him feel worse and he already feels bad enough. ]

...You don't have to do anything. [ Yes, he'd like it if Waver laid down with him, but he's falling hard back into old habits. Asking for something like that is out of the question. ] Lie down with me if you want. I won't push you away.

[ Waver hesitates, trying to parse whether that means that Berserker does want it or whether he's just too convinced of his own inability to choose for himself to tell Waver he doesn't.

Eventually, drawing only on past experiences where Berserker had indicated several times that gentle skinship was helpful to him, Waver decides to try it. Even if Berserker refuses to think about what might actually help him, Waver will trust the desires he'd expressed in the past and hope they apply here.

He waits for Berserker to settle. Then he crawls closer, sliding in beside him on the makeshift bed. He presses close, winding an arm around Berserker's waist and pressing his face to the raised ridge of his collar bone, mouth against his throat. ]

I'll stay as long as you want me to... [ he whispers, lips moving against skin. He's warm as always, especially his breath. ]

Edited 2020-02-15 10:56 (UTC)

[ Waver's warmth and shape against him are familiar. His scent is familiar. As conflicted and unhappy as he'd felt, this soothes him somewhat. Berserker slowly lets himself relax and puts an arm around Waver. This is comfortable and familiar -- that's what he needs. Solitude is fine, but even he has to admit he needs time with those closest to him to heal.

He lays in silence for a little while before he says something, softly and barely above a whisper. ]

...Don't let me push you away. Don't give into your guilt.

[ Because he knows -- it's impossible not to know that Waver feels guilty for what he was forced to do. ]

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