middaeg | [Open & Closed] 💥 check yourself before you wreck yourself

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[Open & Closed] 💥 check yourself before you wreck yourself

Who: Enkidu & You
When: mid Deceuer
Where: Library, around the city, the forest
What: No bond, no glory.
Warnings: Probably angst, looming fear of magic overload
(closed prompts in comments)

Open - The library
The second when they enter the library something heavy and feverish comes over them. Something that makes them desperate, as if they want to undo the choice they have made. Maybe they do not want to explode and face death once again. Maybe they want to live and work hard enough to be able to stand next to their friend again one day.

Whatever it is, you can find Enkidu frantically searching through books and making a bit of a mess. Thing is that they’re not in a mood for anything, really. All they want is to find some way to stop the pent up magic from wrecking their body.

Open - Heading out of town
Enkidu runs as fast as their feet can carry them. Of course, they could have asked anyone to bond with them. If only for a short time. But they couldn’t, it would not be right and eventually there is no other choice left than to settle with the outcome. If they were truly going to explode they rather don’t do it in the city.

Wearing an old woollen coat, a simple pair of pants and a scarf they hurry through the streets, leaving small flowers in their wake.

“Am I close to the forests yet?”

Enkidu stops briefly and any soul can see that they’re far from okay.

“Just tell me yes or no and send me in the right direction if it is a no.”

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It is early in the morning when Enkidu wakes up. Their body aches all over and it seems the cracks have gone worse over the night. Carefully they touch their face and can feel how the one on their cheek has grown deeper and longer. And the second that they move to stand they know that their body isn’t going to hold on much longer.

They aren’t sad. No, not at all. Yet they dread to feel themselves crumbling apart again. Been there, done that and it wasn’t fun at all.

Slowly Enkidu starts to grab their clothes. A simple white, linen shirt. The pair of white pants they normally wear, a pair of soft socks. It is still very early and they dress quickly. It could be that Ozymandias was still sleeping and, to be fair, they do not wish to face him at a moment like this.

But alas, it is known that luck mostly isn’t on Enkidu’s side and the first thing they do after they walk out of their room is bumping into the pharaoh himself.

“Ah.” Enkidu closes the door carefully. “I did not know you were fond of mornings.”

For someone who is the embodiment of the sun, Ozymandias is not particularly a morning person. That is not to say that he's in a foul mood first thing in the morning -- not unless he went to bed in a foul mood in the first place, which is a rare thing -- but he's sluggish and groggy for a significant length of time in the morning. This is why even though he has already primped and preened himself for the day, the look he gives Enkidu initially is a little...blank.

Until it registers what he's looking at, anyway.

His nose crinkles slightly in disapproval and he doesn't bother with any sort of pleasantries or small talk, cutting straight to his (somewhat) immediate observation.

"You look terrible..."

"Yes, I do..."

There's no lie there and, to be honest, Enkidu really does not have the energy to start a discussion about something that is so obvious. Anyone with two eyes inside their head can see that Enkidu looks absolutely awful.

"It seems my body is crumbling a little." Slowly they take a step closer to show Ozymandias one of their arms. "I think it will not hold out for much longer so I am heading out for today."

Crumbing a little appears to be a bit of an understatement. As Enkidu steps closer, Ozymandias' gaze does move to the arm they're presenting to him, but it's difficult to look away from the growing split on their face. His brow furrows slightly.

"Heading out? I assume to find someone to Bond with."

It's less an assumption and more a barely gentle suggestion.

Well. No. Not really.

"I am tired of hearing about how I need to find someone to bond with. I do not want to bond with anyone."

They look at Ozymandias with a small smile on their face as they cover up their cracked arm.

"But have you found a new one already? I remember you told me that you lost yours."

I do not want to Bond with anyone.

They sound like a child, petulant and complaining about the food that's been put on their plate rather than someone who is on the verge of collapse because of their stubbornness. It's only made worse by the way Enkidu deflects and attempts to distract the conversation to Ozymandias' lack of a Bond at present. His brow furrows in both displeasure and mild irritation.

"There are plenty who would offer themselves to me as a stopgap measure if required."

It's likely obvious from Ozymandias' tone that he finds the notion of a temporary Bond generally disagreeable, but he's not so stubborn or rigid in his preferences and standards that he would allow things to progress to the degree to which Enkidu has. It's perhaps even more obvious that he has no desire to engage in further conversation about himself at the moment. Not really.

"It is not a matter of what one wants, Enkidu."

To be absolutely fair, Enkidu doesn't care about the fact that they sound like a child. All they know is that they have to decide and that they have to make it quick. Would death be worth it? Should they find a temporarily solution? Perhaps they could ask Cu for help? Or seek a familiar? Another option is to stay stubborn and cling to an old friend that isn't even here.

"I am glad to hear that."

Their voice sounds calm and yes, it is quite obvious from the expression on the pharaoh's face that he doesn't really want to go into that any further. Ozymandias will be fine so Enkidu drops the subject.

"I know. I need to find a way to live, yet I have discovered that that is a hard thing to do. In a way...it is quite ironic." The small smile on Enkidu's face is somewhat wry. "For I have always chosen to walk besides humanity. Yet living like one is some sort of mystery. Perhaps it is the point where the growth of my soul stagnates and all I have left is to turn to familiarities that aren't here."

There was never an answer that Enkidu could provide to Ozymandias that would ever be satisfactory, but the one he gives fills Ozymandias with very particular displeasure and irritation as he is quite familiar with longing for someone precious, someone who is far out of reach.

"Come with me," he says, turning from Enkidu and leading the way back to his bedroom with the clear expectation that he will be followed. Ozymandias says nothing on the short walk over, stepping inside first and moving to stand near his vanity. He pulls out the small bench and motions for Enkidu with a simple command of, "Sit."

The gloomier, wintery weather outside does not do Ozymandias' bedroom justice, but it's likely easy to envision how it might look with all the sunlight pouring from the large windows. Murals telling stories of the gods, of Ozymandias are already beginning to line the walls. And, of course, little expense has been paid for comfort. His bed is seemingly in the process of making itself, an unseen force in the process of replacing the pillows to their proper locations as a final touch before dissipating.

Ozymandias' vanity is full, but not particularly cluttered either. Bottles of lotions, perfumes, and scrubs are neatly lined up alongside makeup, a brush, and a small basin. But what Ozymandias draws attention to is a wide pot, originally taking up a full corner of the vanity before Ozymandias moves it squarely in front of Enkidu. Inside the pot float a number of pink lotuses with honey gold centers. With how careful Ozymandias places it, it's likely immediately obvious how important these flowers are to him. He's hardly even looking at Enkidu and more at the flowers.

"It has been millennia since I last saw Nefertari. There has not been a day since her passing into the next life that I have not missed her or wished to see her because, in so many ways, she and my brother made me into the man that I am."

He believes in his divine right to rule, of course. He believes that the gods had always intended for him to rise to the greatness that he claimed in his lifetime and thereafter. But he also firmly believes that Nefertari and Moses were given to him by the gods to ensure that he would be capable, to ease some of the burdens and difficulties that fall to one when they are made Pharaoh. Even after everything with Moses...

"I could easily decide that without her physically here, there is no point. Allow myself to 'stagnate' or perhaps even regress in the absence of her light and warmth. After all, is that not what all life would do in the absence of the sun?" Ozymandias shakes his head a little. "But she would be furious with me if I were to do something like that, and I with her if our roles were reversed. Nefertari's blessings do not cease simply because she is not here to deliver them to me herself. I must continue striving for more for myself until we are one day reunited."

Finally, Ozymandias lifts his gaze from the lotuses. The soft look to his eyes gives way to a more severe and stern look. He's not angry, but it becomes clear that he thinks what Enkidu is saying is more of an excuse than a genuine reason. There's perhaps even a small degree to which he is mildly offended though, on the King of Heroes' behalf. It's perhaps a bit easier to see the unyielding king in Ozymandias now than it usually is with that look.

"Do you think he would truly be satisfied to see you, his one true friend, like this?"

To be absolutely honest, Enkidu wants to go outside and go to the library. And then they want to go to the forests. Cwyld be damned. But despite all that, Enkidu would be the last one who would disobey at a point like this. Because that voice just yet, that was the voice a king uses when he addresses his troups.

They follow silently and sit down when Ozymandias tells them to do so. And really, it is hard not to look around themselves. There is a lot to take in here and while the other rummages around Enkidu takes their time to admire the splendor of this bedroom.

When Ozymandias starts to speak again he wants them to see a couple of beautiful lotus flowers, floating in water. Each flower looks vibrant and healthy and that sight pleases Enkidu greatly. A soft smile appears on their face for a moment and they lean forward a little to take a closer look.

“They are beautiful…” Enkidu murmurs softly.

And that is all they say because it is terribly rude to interrupt the story Ozymandias starts to tell them. They understand the point he wants to make but they also understand that his resolve comes forth of from a human will to move on, to grow, to become something new. To take such hardship and turn it in something positive is truly a beautiful thing humans can do. Yet Enkidu knows for sure that it does not work that way for them. A weapon meant to be a weapon with the soul belonging to a weapon cannot grow the way a human does. A weapon is bound to a purpose, a human possesses a free will. They know this and they also know that it is something Ozymandias might not understand.

But despite all that, the answer to that last question is quite clear. Gilgamesh would not want that. He would be irritated and angry and he would tell them to stop.

“I am quite sure that he won’t allow it at all. Quite like the woman you miss.”

Enkidu touches the crack on their cheek before they look up at Ozymandias.

“I wish to know a couple of things. Do you still consider yourself a Servant? Or do you want to be free?” And here comes the difficult part. “No bond would ever be able to replace Nefertari, isn’t it?”

"Nefertari is my sun. She is the one that I would forsake all others. No Bond is meant to or could ever replace her."

Ozymandias' answer comes swiftly after their question with no hesitation, which likely only speaks to the sincerity and intensity of Ozymandias' feelings for her. Even after millennia apart, they have not weakened or waned, and certainly not been eclipsed by another. They never could be.

"Is that your concern? That if you were to Bond with someone, that it would diminish your friendship with the King of Heroes?"

He doesn't bother with answering the other questions. He's a Servant only by technicality -- or from his perspective because his grave was disturbed and his body was removed from its final resting place -- and he's never had any notion of being anything less than free. He is, after all, the King of Kings. Who is freer or in control of themselves than that?

"For the sun to have a sun..."

Enkidu murmurs the words softly and smiles afterwards. It is a beautiful and melancholic thing. Despite that Enkidu finds it difficult to explain what they feel. Yet, they do know that Ozymandias has a very valid point and that it should be taken into consideration. And if so they had to bond quick.

There were a lot of things going through them. Uselessness, that never ending feeling of being lost, problems with magic. All of these things are new to them and they don't like it. Then there is the matter of their place here. Are they still a Servant? Are they still connected to their Master or the Throne for that matter? All this knowledge in front of them and all these wonderful humans who indulge them with stories and their presence. And their feelings barely change.

"He is my true friend, I cannot just disregard such a thing. These Bonds are not the same as an agreement, they go far deeper. Accepting a Bond would feel like...ah...as if I would replace him."

When they speak they manage to keep the tone of their voice even.

While it is a little surprising to Ozymandias that Enkidu admits the source of at least some of their reservations given how far they have allowed this to go, their question to Ozymandias about Nefertari makes the answer itself not particularly surprising.

"It is possible that you may grow close with whoever you Bond with. In fact, I would say that it is more likely than not if the Bond is to last at all. But no one can take the place of another and the affection you might feel for one does not take away from the other," Ozymandias says with a slight shake of his head. "People would be incapable of having more than one friend otherwise. Families would be especially impossible."

That makes perfect sense. Humans would not be able to form a society and they have seen humans enjoying each other's company. Sometimes they were just two of them but at times there were more. A deep sigh escapes their mouth and slowly they move to stand.

"What you say seems right." Still, it remains a difficult decision. Something they need to place while there isn't much time for them to do so. "There is nothing wrong in getting to get closer to another person, I think... It is difficult to find words for what I feel."

Their eyes shift from the flowers to Ozymandias' face.

"I do have to go out. Just in case. It will be quite messy if I will explode here."

They have to go out and bond. Perhaps just temporarily.

"Go on then."

When Enkidu's gaze meets Ozymandias' eyes again, Ozymandias still cannot divine what they have exactly decided as far as the long-term.

"I have said all that I will."

But he has the confidence that they have at least listened somewhat to reason enough that it's tempered the stubborn stamping of their feet and refusal to hear anything else to at least the beginnings of openness to consider exploring the alternative. Ozymandias knows that without Gilgamesh, that is perhaps the best anyone could possibly hope for with Enkidu. What they do from this point is their own choice, and there is little more than even Ozymandias can do.

It's only after they leave that his own attention turns back to the flowers, floating in their pot. Taking the seat that Enkidu once occupied, Ozymandias breathes in their scent to think of her as he so often does.

The forest is cold and silent. The ground underneath their feet is frozen and there is no animal in sight. Enkidu watches at the trees around them. They're taller than they remember and most of them lost all leaves.

They know very well that they shouldn't wait so long. They know they have to put on their big-clay-panties and get it over with. Thing is that their thoughts seem to be all over the place. Because Cu and Ozymandias were right, Gil would never accept it if his friend would allow an explosion to happen. But then again, would Gil allow them to replace him? And is their soul still able to grow like that of a human? All the other Heroic Spirits make it seem so easy. Just come to grow fond of one another and all troubles will be gone. You will change from a servant to someone with a life. One with hopes and dreams.

Because, in the end, no one wants to fight or kill. In the end they all want their lives and their freedom. Enkidu is quite sure that it doesn't work that way for them. They do not crave freedom because it has never been their purpose to be truly free. Their existence is tied to a purpose. Without that purpose there is no existence.

The sky is going dark when they arrive at the tattoo parlor. They knock the door softly and wait. Their body aches more than ever and they are sure there's a big crack running over their back.

Edited 2019-12-18 21:53 (UTC)

The warm light in the windows flicker. The store is not yet open, but it's already busy with preparations. Cú wasn't expecting anyone at this hour, and Waver would have his own key. It's not Lex or Archer either because he would feel them- so who?

When he opens the door and sees Enkidu it takes a second- the look of weariness on their face, the crack on their cheek, the magic almost crackling around them. Without waiting or big ceremonies Cú catches them be their wrist and pulls inside, into the warmth.

"Come" he closes the door behind them and his mind already seeking possible solutions for what he's seeing. Ask to charge some of the jewelry batteries? That's not going to help much. Train some spells? Better. But those are thoughts. "It's a good place to escape the cold." A simple welcome but concern is clearly visible on his face. Small talk can go and rot, he cuts to the chase.

"Enkidu, you look unwell"

"Ah..."

Their body aches all over and they utter an uncomfortable sound when Cu pulls them inside. It would be dangerous to keep them in here for too long and the second they are inside it is obvious that they are restless.

"It is not the cold... In a way the cold feels pleasant to me."

Enkidu shakes their head and once again all these doubts start to pop up. Is this a good idea? And Gil? What about him?

"I am close to this exploding state. That is why I have come to ask you something..."

Has the time really flied so fast? Already there- and yet they still remain calm even if restless. Cú bites his tongue to stop the words that would be too easy to mutter. In the end, Enkidu has come here on their own, it is on them to state their wish. He puts his hand to their (uncracked) cheek, a tender gesture as his words are solemn.

"I will honour your request whatever it will be." It might be warm here but it's freezing cold that coils inside him, like dread. If they choose death, he just promised to assist them. But in defining moment like this, it would be wrong to offer anything less.

There are a lot of things Enkidu wants to say to him. All the words have formed themselves inside their head. They would like to explain to him how absolutely useless they feel and how lost they are. But they also want to explain that he had been right...that Ozymandias had been right as well. They had to be their best for Gil's sake.

"I do this for my friend. Gil would not want a broken weapon."

Enkidu doesn't move at all when Cu places a hand on their cheek.

"I want you to Bond with me."

Caster's eyes open wider at this declaration. Pupils turning into thin slits for a moment as if in bright light. But he manages to keep his expression serious, and the slight frown relaxes.

"How bold—" It's praise, really. That's not what Cú ever expected to hear when he told them to seek him out, but it makes sense. It's a logical step, and it's incredible progress for someone like Enkidu, who'd rather be left alone, if not with the one person they care the most. "He wouldn't want a broken friend, either."

Or maybe Gilgamesh wouldn't care about that? Who knows? Certainly not Cú, so he isn't going to assume. But it's a small jab at the whole treating themselves as only a weapon, only a tool. If that friendship is as important as it looks, the other man clearly must have thought of Enkidu as a person. And for that man, they chose life, a weighty decision— and there's only one conclusion, for Cú is a man of his word. "Very well, I shall answer your determination and agree."

It's a sign of a strange trust that has formed between them. Not to mention, an honour, even if it's ultimately a matter of convenience for someone else.

They don't like it but even when they don't like things it is barely visible on their face. So what Cu sees is a perfectly neutral expression. One that doesn't emanate anger, frustration or sadness. There isn't determination either. It is merely something Enkidu is trying to accept for now. That they need to bond to survive. Because to survive means that they spare Gil the sight of them broken.

"I am truly sorry, for my reasons are merely selfish and born out of a hope to see my friend again and to face him the best I can."

And it is a bit foolish to hope. After all, who says that the Coven would ever summon their friend?

"But I thank you."

It would mean they'd share a connection to a Heroic Spirit they barely know. And it isn't that Enkidu is scared of sharing but what they feel is mostly heavy, complicated and full of nostalgia.

"I will put my trust in you then. If you are willing to trust me as well."

Their voice is soft, barely a whisper. There is no certainty in it, no regret, nothing. It is as neutral as everything else.

Making the very choice is what Cú considers newfound determination. Especially since not even two weeks, earlier Enkidu seemed resigned to wasting away.

"I never go back on a given word." And he did promise to help them, it's not a promise to take lightly. "Worry not, I understand your reasons. I'll help you survive for as long as necessary."

So until Enkidu's friends show up here, or they find someone they truly want to Bond with. On one hand, it stands in contradiction to what a Bond is supposed to be, but when opening up and connecting to other people is necessary for survival— there isn't time and place for glorifying it.

Still, if this is meant as but a temporary arrangement, Caster finds himself curious about what made Enkidu make a leap this far. "Did the other options not work out for you?"

"Something like this should not be meant for mere survival. I am well aware it is more than just an exchange of magic. And you know that even better."

They also know that bonding another witch will still end up in a certain magic imbalance. It isn't something that follows the rules this place has made. Enkidu should turn towards one of the beasts.

"If they had worked out for me...I would have been able to survive. I would not have been here, standing in front of you to ask for this..." There's a tired undertone to their voice. "...while it feels as if my body is falling apart... But I am not good at wielding magic and I am not good at separating myself from my existence as a servant to Chaldea. Or the purpose of my true existence, for that matter. In a way, there is a certain solace in knowing what you are capable of and the strength you possess. I know that now."

So all the ways have failed...

"Throw away the notion of `should` and `shouldn't`. You're taking care of yourself first, that's what matters." And here he is passing over that old advice. In the end, the native people, while all possessing talent to some extent, make a choice to expose themselves for workings of magic and honing their skills in it. If they don't do that, they get to their live their lives without many magic-related problems. But Mirrorbound Witches don't get that choice. "You don't have to separate yourself from being Chaldea's Servant to do that."

Why would they even get that idea? Is it because of how many Servants here chose their True Names? Many of them were already using them back in Chaldea anyway— or is the willingness of some to embrace the new life?

And still, insecurity strikes. There's an urge to walk off and seek another resolve. A familiar or just simple pleasure. Yet, they focus again when Cu starts to speak.

"I should have asked one of the beasts. But I would not know who." The only beast they knew very well was the other Cu. And they don't want to be the one who'd damage his Bond. And in a way they don't want to damage this Cu's Bond either. It is the biggest mess they've ever found themselves in.

"I will try my best to accommodate you the best I can."

Enkidu hums softly and shakes their head afterwards.

"All Servants wish to have a life where they can choose their own friends. Would you truly want to give your Bond up to return to Chaldea?"

That question makes Cu pause. He crosses his arms and leans against the wall. Enkidu makes a good point about Bonding with a Monster, and he will return to that later. But right now he's overcome with nostalgia for that long time spent at the end of the world with Ritsuka, Mash and others.

"Chaldea, huh. One hell of a good Master, made that place what it was-" Good times, good memories, it's a blessing he was allowed to keep those memories "Should they call on me again, I'm sure I will respond to it" the Heroic Spirit, Cu Chulainn that is. Another copy in a Servant vessel. Having already a different "him" around was always a good reminder of the workings of that system.

"All the time here, and i never thought that a 'me' that is 'me' here could truly return there- but you know what I thought?" It's a rhetoric question, he doesn't wait for an answer and follows immediately "If we're alive, that means our records, they could get updated, no? Maybe I can add something cool to my repertoire, imagine our Master's and others faces when they would see that".

But Caster you never could do that- ha, surprise, you have not seen everything of me yet!, A silly, but strangely hopeful scenario. Another way to make the best of their time here.

That last answer isn't reassuring at all and Enkidu frowns a little, wondering if they should respond and continue this discussion. Maybe they need to put it to rest and see where this gets them. The records would tell one day. If they'd change it would mean that they have lived a life, if not...it is merely another summon.

Perhaps there is a certain safety in not knowing. They would not know how to live a life without a purpose and they would not know how to be a proper weapon without their abilities. All of this is a mess.

"I do want to figure this out... I do want to know if this is truly a life or merely a summon. It matters..." Their voice sounds tired and their body starts to ache a lot now. "...Cu...I think we need to haste... Otherwise it will become needlessly messy... I..."

Caster turns around and approaches a cabinet, after a moment of checking the shelves, he fetches two shot glasses and puts them on the table. Next, he takes a small flask attached along with various pouches to his belt and pours the content. Then he returns hanging Enkidu one of the glasses. The liquid is odorless and colorless—

"Bond potion." he explains "A temporary one. But we can use it before we secure someone in Coven for the ritual."

With all those preparations for the festival and parade— there is no telling how crowded the schedule will be. Not to mention it will give Enkidu a glimpse of what they are signing for.

Enkidu nods shortly and moves to lean against the wall, watching the other as he fetches a tiny flask and pours its contents in tinier glasses. It looks like water.

"Yes."

There was an entire ceremony, they remember something like that. Why would such a thing be necessary if bonds are only meant to survive? Once again the look on Enkidu's face changes to a completely neutral one. There's no way to indicate they're angry or happy or in pain. They merely reach for the glass.

"What will happen after? Will these cracks disappear?"

"Hopefully? But that I do not know for sure. If they are more akin to wounds on your body, rather than a manifestation of your magic's state, you should see a healer."

Cú raises the glass as if in toast and drinks the content immediately, waiting for the connection to forge. While looking like water it has a strange taste to it. Not unpleasant, more like— ah that's right, like medicine with a bit of honey. The hint of sweetness not covering the strange aftertaste.

"I am made of clay. Perhaps I should visit a pottery instead."

They raise the glass as well and carefully drink its content. It tastes weird and Enkidu frowns. Still, they swallow slowly, somewhat reluctantly as well.

"What is it that I need to feel I..." Oh. Wait. "I see."

In a way it feels as if things are evening out. As if there's some balance they were seeking but couldn't really find. So this is a bond? Should it feel this way? This is...okay. A little.

Cú chuckles and hint of his amusement at this clever joke travels across their forming link as they slowly tune to one another.

It's... different how it feels, so far all his Bonds were to Monsters, so the ritual (even a temporary one) included a feeling of having his magic tugged on and pulled. This time the energy comes his way— with Enkidu being close to overload balance requires him to take the surplus. And it works because there are two other presences benefiting from it.

On a long exhale he reaches spontaneously to try and catch Enkidu's hand. Instinctual reaction, coming from how simple touch helps to even out everything. "It starts slowly, and we might feel a little lightheaded— until it settles"

The cracks do not entirely heal but there's no reason for them to spread either. But the strain disappears, that thing that makes their body ache slowly ebbs away.

And despite the mixed feelings they have about doing this, despite the fact they feel as if they are betraying their best friend, they allow themselves to give in to that relief. Slowly they move to sit down on the floor and rest their back against the wall.

"Hmm, I am aware of it." There is the smallest hint of a smile on their face. "I owe you my thanks."

Their skin tingles a little while their body gets used to this sort of exchange. It is as if they are able to feel him the way they have always been able to feel others. Cu has become a certain sort of presence. And it is the first time they are able to sense someone like that. And that is what they say.

"I can sense you."

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[Open & Closed] 💥 check yourself before you wreck yourself

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