middaeg | I feel like I'm losing control [Closed]

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I feel like I'm losing control [Closed]

Who: Edelgard and Corrin
When: Forward-Dated to Early November
Where: The Coven/Town
What: An Emperor and a Princess form a Bond
Warnings: Possible descriptions of medical procedures, child injury/death, will update more if need be

Edelgard had intended to revisit this topic sooner, to meet with Corrin and discuss the process, to lay out some thoughts, and weigh options. Time was ever the most potent enemy, and preoccupied as she was with getting used to her bond with Hubert, she had delayed a week longer than they'd agreed. Yet, as she sat waiting for the other young woman in the Coven's bonding antechamber, she found herself smiling. Not only in anticipation of Corrin's strength further anchoring her will, but at the fact that she had made an honest to goddess friend that wasn't someone who worked for her. It was a painful quandary she had found herself in, but knowing Corrin wanted this too worked wonders for banishing the anxiety. But it was still not an easy thing to surmount.

She had arrived early for their agreed upon meeting, much earlier than necessary, and when Corrin did make her way into the room, the Emperor rose quickly and crossed with a wave and a real smile.

"Hello, Corrin. Thank you for coming."

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Edelgard might have been relaxed about this whole thing, but Corrin was not. It wasn't that she wanted to change her mind or was regretting her decision, more so just the idea of the bond itself was just so...strange. The descriptions of it made it sound somewhere between fascinating and intrusive, and part of her was still very worried about inflicting her own brain on someone else.

Still, the other woman seemed certain it was a good idea, and Corrin did very much like being around her, so it didn't seem like it would be a bad idea? She was sure of that, at least. And yet, she was still painfully nervous when she arrived, a couple minutes late because of course.

"Hi." She said, returning the wave with a small one of her own as she moved to meet her halfway across the room. "Sorry I'm late, I was..." She realized suddenly she didn't have an excuse. "Just pacing a bit." She finally admitted with an embarrassed chuckle.

Edelgard nodded her head and offered a gentle smile, not at all put out or bothered by the excuse. Or lack there of.

"It's quite alright," she said simply, doing her best to be as disarming as possible. "I understand what you're going through. I struggled a lot with even asking it of you. But, the practical aspects far outweigh the trouble. We'll both be better for it, if you're still willing."

"What? No, I'm still willing!" Corrin half-exclaimed, her eyes a bit wide, quickly shaking her head. "It's just...it's just a lot, you know?" Corrin felt like she was calling things 'a lot' lately.

Maybe she was even calling them that a lot.

"Just trying to work off my nerves, I guess." She added. "So you don't get a brain full of anxiety the second this happens."

...To be fair, that was going to happen either way...

"It's alright."

Edelgard shakes her head and laughs softly this time, reaching a gloved hand out to touch Corrin's shoulder and give it a gentle squeeze. The glove...an important barrier...is something she knows she'll soon have to shed. But only for a moment.

"It will be well. I...mirror your anxiety, for reasons that will doubtless become all too apparent in short order. But, take a moment and relax. Breathe. The process is painless, and I am more than willing to accept your thoughts."

Corrin stayed perfectly still for a handful of seconds after Edelgard finished talking, not even breathing, as she tried to settle herself. Edelgard was right. And this would be fine. It would be fine.

"Right." She finally said, the word rushing out breathlessly, and then she sucked in some air through her nose and nodded. Then nodded again, as if reassuring herself, before she laughed softly and sighed.

"Okay." She said again, and then managed a little grin. "So uhm...How do we do this?"

"Well..."

Edelgard looks from Corrin to the large double doors leading into the ritual chamber.

"If you are feeling ready, then we go knock and tell the attendants that we're prepared. So...are you prepared?"

Corrin looked over at the door, her mind racing with a jumble of thoughts she couldn't catch. Finally she just let out a breath and reached out to catch Edelgard's hand in her own, giving it a tight squeeze, mostly to settle herself.

"Nope."

She turned to grin at her, reaching up to brush her hair behind her ear opposite the other woman.

"But let's do it anyway."

"As good an answer as I can hope for. And...can give myself."

Edelgard, for all her confidence, wasn't able to keep herself from faltering slightly. But, she turned and started for the door, trusting Corrin to come along with her.

And, reaching up, she knocked loudly. A harried looking witch poked her head out, adjusting horn-rimmed glasses owlishly as she peered at the pair.

"...So you're ready, then?"

Corrin moved along with Edelgard, at least partly because she hadn't actually let go of her hand. Whoops? But also because she wanted to, so that was something, at least.

When the witch poked her head out and asked that self-same question, Corrin couldn't help but laugh softly, covering her mouth with her free hand. Saying nope here probably wouldn't have quite the same result as it had before, would it...

"We are," she said with a nod, glancing at Edelgard again, then back at the woman.

Edelgard nodded as well, and released Corrin's hand so that she could step into the room without having to barrel through the door.

"And you have your oaths in mind?" the witch asked, smiling genially as she stepped aside to permit them entry to the sparse chamber. A couple of seats, a runed circle on the floor, and a hulking Turnskin that was clearly bonded to the witch were all it contained. Though there was another door, at least.

"I know what I wish to say." Edelgard responded immediately. And then to Corrin, "It need not be elaborate. But...a vocal commitment, as I mentioned when we planned this."

Corrin had given it some thought, which was hardly the same as knowing what she wanted to say, but it would have to do, wouldn't it? She just nodded at the question as she followed after Edelgard, and offering her a small smile.

"You should probably go first," she said. Clearly needing a bit more time to sort out precisely what she wanted to...swear, as it were.

She paused at the chairs, glancing at the others present as if confirming she was supposed to to them.

The witch shook her head and gestured to the circle, and Edelgard moved to take a place on it.

"We stand across from one another," she explained, and the attendant nodded, pleased that someone remembered.

"So...over here, and we'll begin."

Corrin nodded, though she did hesitate again before her bare feet carried her across the stones to the circle, coming to a stop on one side and turning to face Edelgard.

"So far so good."

She said with a nervous little grin.

Edelgard smiled back, as sweet and soft a thing as she could manage. She made ready, steeled herself, marshaled her thoughts and then...

"And the gloves, Lady Hresvelg..." The witch said reprovingly to Edelgard. "As before."

That made her freeze, her smile wilting in the face of those words. She stood there, numb for a moment, eyes downcast, something clearly bothering her about the command. Her hands retreated inside her long sleeves, and she looked helplessly up at Corrin.

That stung. That not only she had been ordered to do it again, but that she'd been remembered. It was a harsh thing to her, twisting something inside, making her feel a tad sick to know that she could not do things in a normal way.

"...I would ask you not to look..." she began, awkwardly peeling off the gloves, trying hard to keep them concealed. "...I will explain another time. Privately."

Corrin frowned, watching Edelgard's face fall at that request. And so simple a request, really, that her red eyes immediately dropped down to look at Edelgard's hands. It was odd to realize she hadn't actually seen her without her gloves on. But lots of people wore gloves, it wasn't that unusual, was it? Still...

Edelgard's words brought Corrin's gaze back up to her face, eyes meeting, and after several uncertain seconds she just nodded.

"Of course." She said, her voice quiet but firm and hopefully reassuring. And she kept her gaze locked on Edelgard's face. In spite of her curiosity almost demanding she look down. But occasionally she could beat it, when she had to.

"Thank you," Edelgard all but whispered.

Gloves off, she cast a look at the witch and stepped forward, reaching for Corrin's hands and pulling them inside her sleeves, covering them so that neither of the strangers would see. The feel of her palms is rough from work, the hands of a warrior, but there's something else too. Small ridges, sporadically placed, but smooth to the touch. Scars.

"Okay. This is it."

She breathed in, the witch began to overlay the spell, and the rite began.

"Corrin. We have known one another but a brief time, yet your actions...your kindness...and understanding have impressed me. I believed that I could trust you with my safety and my sanity, and so I asked of you this thing. I do not bond with someone lightly, and I am grateful for your willing acceptance of me and my...intensity."

She paused for breath, looking up into Corrin's eyes steadily, her confidence growing.

"So, I give you my oath that I, Emperor Edelgard von Hresvelg, will protect and defend you as I would my kingdom and it's people. I give you my pledge that should you need me, I will be there for you. I give you my vow that you can place your life in my hands and I will guard it as though it were my own. And I promise to you that I will support you in all you do. You are my first friend from another world...and I can think of none finer."

Corrin stepped a bit closer when Edelgard reached for her hands, gently gripping the others in her own. There was a brief moment of surprise in her eyes when she felt the roughness of her hands, not just the wear of battle but what were very clearly scars. She had a few of her own, scattered around her body from when moments of battle went wrong, but nothing so...extensive as this. Her own hands were soft and smooth to the touch, the hands of a sheltered princess who, even with all her training, had never really had to work at anything in her life.

As the spell started to settle around them, Corrin felt her breath catching, and forced herself to try and relax...only to be caught completely off-guard by Edelgard's pledge. She had expected...something. She wasn't sure what, exactly, something like a marriage vow? Even if it wasn't an actual marriage, that was as close as she could come up with. But what Edelgard said was just so much...more. It was honestly a bit overwhelming, and she clearly looked a bit dumbfounded the longer it went on.

When Edelgard stopped speaking, Corrin was silent for several seconds, trying to find her footing after all that promise and praise. Nothing she had prepared was even remotely close, and everything that sprung into her head just felt so completely inadequate now. The rush of emotions and surprise was enough that she suddenly giggled softly, if only for a moment.

"Well. I can't quite compete with that," she admitted, the words slipping out through a sheepish grin. "And everything feels sort of lame in comparison..." She added, and then bit her lip to force herself to focus. Okay.

"Well then, Emperor Edelgard von Hresvelg," she started, her sheepish smile turning into a bit of a grin. "I'm sure it doesn't compare, but I, Princess Corrin of Nohr and Hoshido, promise everything you just said back to you." A beat, and her grin grew wider. Okay, that was clearly a joke.

"But really. I don't think I'm as strong as you, or as good with words and I'm certainly not an empress. All I can promise is that, when you need me, I will be there." As she spoke, she gently stroked her thumb across one of Edelgard's scars, hidden beneath those sleeves. As if to try and say whatever it was, she didn't mind it.

"When you're happy, I'll be there to laugh with you, and when you're sad, I'll be there to hold you, and when you're scared, I'll be there to help you through it." She hesitated again. It all felt so trite compared to what Edelgard had said. And a last thing, something that sprung into her mind but felt so important.

"And if you ever fear you will lose control, I will be there to save you."

Edelgard's cheeks colored a touch at Corrin's clear sheepishness, but she knew that what she had said was a touch dramatic. That was something she would likely never train herself out of. She was just that kind of person, and she was likely entirely too serious for her own good. She also understood that Corrin was likely not used to such gestures, so she didn't fret overmuch about the giggle. It just was very...her.

The promise hit their mark completely, though, and Edelgard found it somewhat hard to look Corrin in the eye. She wanted to look down at their hidden hands, and the soft stroke of a thumb along one of her scars nearly had her gaze breaking, the faintest hint of water clouding the corner of her vision. But she held, and held fast.

And just like that...it was done.

The spell closed around them, sealing them together as tight as any. A new sensation immediately sprang up in Edelgard's head, right next to the bundle of emotion and energy that was Hubert. His dark, brooding, but kind and amused nature was a stark contrast to Corrin's bright, cheerful sense...but they both shared that depth of kindness.

As before, Edelgard radiated awe and wonderment, stunned into silence by the newfound emotions inside her head. There was a kind of peace there, and always a layer of anxiety hanging over her thoughts like a skein of oil on water, but it was thinner now. Better, for the acceptance.

Without thinking, she stepped forward and pulled Corrin into an awkward hug, still hiding her hands and holding her new Bonded.

"...I accept your oath with my undying gratitude."

It was all she could think to say.

It was very, very obvious when the spell hit Corrin, because she sucked in a breath and straightened up, her eyes wide at the sudden rush of emotion. Someone else's emotion. She had known what to expect but knowing and experiencing were clearly very different. Edelgard felt...like she thought she would, and yet somehow not? Maybe that was how everyone was, though. Who they were and who they were.

"I..." She tried to talk but cut off with a hard swallow, her gaze still on Edelgard's face but looking through her more than at her. Another swallow, and a nervous noise that was somewhere between a laugh and a groan. And all of this was probably being projected to Edelgard too, wasn't it?

Her brain pointed that out, and immediately she started to regret agreeing tot his if only because it couldn't possibly be fair to subject someone else to her absolutely racing emotions. Maybe she could ask about...

And then Edelgard's arms were suddenly around her, and she was speaking, and all of Corrin's worries, at least for a moment, flashed away.

Another little laughing noise that might have been mixed with a sob and she wrapped her arms tightly around Edelgard and buried her face in the other's shoulder.

"I'll do my best," her muffled voice replied.

The racing emotions were no different than she expected. Anxiety, happiness, relief, concern, worry...all things she had anticipated, yet it was different feeling them all at once. Not bad, exactly, but confusing and strange, even if she was somewhat better prepared for the hammerblow that was another mind touching so close to hers.

"It's alright...you don't...you don't need to worry about me. It's good."

Corrin was so warm, and while she was gradually recovering her thoughts, Edelgard just let herself relax and revel in feeling so...tied...to another person. Someone she didn't know the way she knew Hubert. She'd thought she had a handle on her friend, and while she wasn't wrong, there were so many other little things that she could see and pick out that she'd missed before.

"Is it...am I too much?"

Corrin didn't answer at first, she just remained still, holding but not quite clinging to Edelgard, her face pressed into her shoulder still, eyes closed. After the initial rush of emotion, the feeling of connection and attachment and...other...had passed over her, she was trying to adjust. It was a lot like opening a window and listening to an army marching by, in a way. It made filtering anything else difficult to concentrate on.

Eventually her grip tightened, and she drew a long, slow breath in through her nose. "You're fine," she muttered against Edelgard's shirt, eyes still closed. Another period of silence before she lifted her head and leaned back, just far enough to look the other woman in the eye without actually letting go of her. She definitely had tear streaks on her face, probably just from being overwhelmed, but she smiled. A weak, confused, somewhat embarrassed smile, but still.

"It was just...a lot." She finally said, with a little giggle. And she was definitely feeling better as the moments passed. Less anxious, at least.

Edelgard nodded, holding Corrin there for several short moments, pointedly holding back her own tears. It was difficult, extremely so, but she didn't want to let those particular feelings out in front of strangers like the attendants. When she at last pulled back, slowly, she maintained mental contact in a kind of psychic hug.

Quickly, she slipped her gloves back on, before smiling a watery-eyed smile at Corrin.

"I know...yes...it is."

She knew very, very well. But, she still appreciated the closeness. A lot.

"...I...let's...go somewhere private to talk?"

Corrin stepped back more when Edelgard released her, arms falling lamely to her sides, hanging there like she wasn't sure what to do with her hands. Which she wasn't, right then. Part of her wanted to hug Edelgard again but she didn't think that was going to actually accomplish anything. Instead she finally shoved them behind her back, clasping her fingers together at the base of her spine.

"...Okay."

She managed to say, with a quick, stuttered nod.

"There's a private room off of the main waiting chamber. There's tea and cookies, to calm your nerves," the attendant says helpfully.

Edelgard nods gratefully, and slips a gloved hand out to take Corrin's arm, tugging it and her into a spot at her side before turning and heading in that direction.

"There's...this is..." she starts forward slowly, pushing out of the room. "Your feelings are so bright. It's nice..."

Corrin was easy enough to guide along, more than willing to fall into that open space against Edelgard's side. Mostly she was focused on the presence of the other in her mind, more than the physical one. Strength and assuredness mixed with nervousness and excitement and...other things she couldn't quite identify. A whole wash of emotions that just felt so distinctly Edelgard, now floating there in her own mind, making a home somewhere in the back of her brain.

"Mm," she almost missed when El said, giggling when the words registered. "Bright?" She echoed as she moved along with her, and Edelgard would feel a rush of embarrassed happiness along with the sound. "Uhm. Thank you..." It certainly felt like a compliment, even if she had never thought about her own feelings that way.

"Yes, bright."

Edelgard had no trouble admitting that her own thoughts could err more towards a darker side of things. That was an unfortunate truth about herself. However, she felt some of Corrin's...bubblier...aspects clearly through the bond, and it not only relaxed her but made her smile. Rare thing, that.

She knew she'd made the right decision as they passed into the little room, clearly intended to give newly bonded a place to process and talk. Making straight for the tea, she slipped her arm free, and set to making it all.

"I...had no idea you'd be quite so cheerful. It's refreshing."

Ever the cynic, she assumed Corrin was acting, in some ways. But it was good to be wrong.

"I don't think I've met many as upbeat. It gladdens me to know I made the right decision."

Corrin was still a bit overwhelming, but even through all that she managed to be amused and a bit flustered by all these comments. It was enough to make her laugh.

"It's not like I was hiding it!" she said as she moved further into the room herself, looking around slowly before turning back to El. "I'm pretty much what you see is what you get, you know."

Which Edelgard clearly wasn't. Now that Corrin had the capacity, she was trying to work her way through what the other felt. If Corrin was an open book, Edelgard was a closed bookshelf. So many different feelings...

"I would like some tea," she said suddenly with another little self-admonishing laugh, moving over to join the other at the tea. Standing so close she was almost, but not quite, touching.

No, Edelgard was not an open person, and she hid much of herself. She was kind, her sense was full of light and life, but there were deep, dark cuts in her psyche. Scars like her hands, like the rest of her, but attached to it all was a sense of girlish delight that she kept tightly controlled in public. She was happy, yet at the same time anxious and sad, a fear of her own intense nature making her intense nature all the more evident. Her feelings burned as bright as any torch, though, and they were filled with affection for the other at her side. Inside, Corrin got the real Edelgard: Someone deeply hurt that hid away like a hermit, yet with a deep capacity for incredible loyalty and devotion, someone filled with ambition, and love for the people she sought to serve.

"I know," she says softly, already beginning to prepare two cups of tea. She'd felt that much on reflex.

"Do you prefer sugar or honey? I...am imagining you like it sweet?"

"That obvious, huh?" Her voice came out with a laugh as she nodded. "Honey sounds lovely, thank you."

After a few seconds hesitation, she reached out to place her hand lightly on Edelgard's arm. Not to hinder or even hold, just to be touching. There was just this...urge there, to do so. Maybe it was the bond's fault? Or just Corrin trying to manifest the way it felt, even she didn't know, really.

Edelgard stopped mid motion and looked down at the hand for a moment, briefly taken aback. Nobody...did that...to her. She didn't dislike it, but precious few even dared attempt to touch her.

"...Ah...yes, a little. I just thought that might be the case."

So, she set back to work, bringing out the honey and dropping a small bit into each before sliding over a cup.

"Is it not...marvelous?"

Corrin caught that hesitation and almost drew her hand away, but realized that Edelgard's surprise wasn't angry or upset, that she seemed just startled but...liked it? Corrin thought anyway. Sorting through someone else's emotions was definitely weird.

Once the tea was finished though she did let go, so she could pick up her cup, blowing on it softly.

"Tea with honey, you mean?"

She asked, almost certain that was not what Edelgard meant but more than willing to tease her, it seemed.

"...Yes...and?"

Edelgard gave her a look, not at all intending to allow that to get a rise out of her. Corrin knew exactly what she meant, and she could continue to give her a bemused look till she got a real answer.

Corrin giggled into her tea, half-covering it up by taking a sip, and then lowered it down with a small smile. Now that she was adjusting, she was caught between sorting through this new set of emotions and also kind of wanting to induce them in Edelgard.

"Mmm..." She tapped her fingers against her cup softly. "It really is. I don't know what I was expecting but..."

She shook her head.

"This is so much more."

"It is..."

She stirred her cup idly, her gaze drawn to Corrin, appreciation for the depth of the connection renewing. She had some sense of Hubert's moods before they had bonded, having known him for most of her life, but Corrin was someone new. A puzzle she was slowly piecing together.

"It's an awareness, and...more. It's like even if we're apart, we can still touch. And there's more to it too. I know it strengthens my hold on humanity, but also lets you filter magic through me to make yours stronger and safer."

There was a flash of amusement from Corrin at that, followed a moment later by that now-familiar little laugh. "Oh, I know. I mean. I get the practical things?" She had seen what not having a bond had done for Azura. She knew it was necessary and that it was good for both of them.

"But I guess I wasn't really worried about it?" She was not the most responsible person when it came to things like that. "This is just so much more...interesting." Her hand came up to tap the side of her head.

"It's like everything is..." Red eyes turned away, as if she were searching the wall for the right words. "...A slightly different color now?" Like feeling what someone else was feeling changed how everything else felt too...

"That...is a very good description, I think."

Edelgard continually stirs her tea and leans forward slightly, reaching out to brush Corrin's other temple, fingertips brushing aside an unruly blond curl.

"It's as though you've brightened up my whole outlook. A wash of yellow over everything..."

Letting her fingers retreat, she allows herself a private smile.

"Physical touch only enhances the feeling too. How curious."

Corrin felt her breath catch when Edelgard's finger traced along her temple, and it took her a few moments to gather her thoughts together. It really did seem to amplify things when they touched, but she'd been so caught up in the moment earlier she hadn't realized it. But it had been so clear there...

She licked her lips twice before she found the words she wanted, accompanied with a wry little smile.

"Don't get too dependent on it, even if I have my dark days, you know." She laughed softly as she said it, though it was hard to tell if she was kidding or not.

"Don't we all?"

Edelgard almost...almost...felt bad for exposing Corrin to what she knew would happen in time. Yet, at the same time knew she could let herself be a touch selfish. Just a bit.

"Do not worry. After five years of war, even your darkest days are small burdens that I am happy to shoulder."

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I feel like I'm losing control [Closed]

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