middaeg | [Closed] 'cause I'm on your side, it's still you and me

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[Closed] 'cause I'm on your side, it's still you and me

Who: Alice Elliot and Karin Koenig
When: Feoveuer 23
Where: Karin's house
What: Sad girls comfort each other post-event
Warnings: Discussions of kidnapping, torture, and brainwashing.

[It's been a week since she's been freed from the Evergreen Circle, and Alice's memories still aren't whole.

Intellectually, she knows the broad strokes of what's true and what's been falsely implanted into her consciousness. She's Mirrorbound, an exorcist, the daughter of a priest, the lover of a man who would later be called Godslayer, a dead woman walking. Actually untangling what all of that means and which memories are tied to her honest existance has, however, been much more complicated and often painful. The false life the Circle had given her had for all parts and purposes been a pleasant one. As those memories break apart to reveal the actual tragedy and trauma of her own experiences, Alice is continually revisiting parts of her own history as if for the first time. Not to mention that the longer this whole process goes on, the more angry she is at having had her mind violated like this in the first place. It's exhausting, and she isn't recovering much energy when she sleeps--her dreams are restless and chaotic as her mind takes advantage of the opportunity to repair itself.

The only aspect of her life that she remembers with absolute certainty is Karin, which Alice strongly suspects is due to their Bond. That clarity has been beyond helpful, as Karin is recovering both physically and mentally from a much different imprisonment experience and shouldn't be expending extra energy making sure Alice is up to speed. This way, they can focus on getting better rather than figuring out what they mean to each other.

For Alice, that functionally means focusing on Karin's needs as much as possible. Part of it is borne from habit and predisposition--she recently remembered doing to same for Yuri during an intense bout of seasickness, and in a way it's what she was trying to do for the man in the cage at the party (Jaskier, was it?). Part of it is also survivor's guilt. The disorientation and violation she feels now must pale in comparison to what those in the dungeons suffered through while she was coddled in a comfortable home. She'll be all right with time. They need acute care. Karin needs acute care.

There are other people she wants to reach out to eventually. Dorian. Tsutha. Styx. Jaskier. But for now, Karin is her one and only concern.]

Good morning. How are you feeling?

[Alice is currently standing on a ladder next to the harpy's hanging nest, checking on her as she has been doing every morning since Karin's release to home care after a stay in the Coven's infirmary. She's been awake for hours, but it seems cruel to force a recovering woman awake before the sun has been up for a little while.

She smiles warmly, reaching over to smooth some feathers that had gotten ruffled overnight.]

Do you need anything?

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[She doesn't press or pry into Alice's dismissal while they're still upstairs. She can feel what the truth is, more or less, and for all their differences, there is a great deal the two of them have in common, as well— namely, an unwillingness to let others troubles themselves over them, and a nasty habit for minimizing their own hurts. Perhaps it's something the two of them will be able to help one another break down and overcome, but right now, Karin accepts Alice's answer for what it is— by the barest definition of 'accepts,' and gives her a small, muted noise of assent before accompanying her downstairs.

The kitchen is as she remembers it, and a welcome sight after how much time she's spent in her room-turned-roost since they had both won their freedom. She feels almost normal, lowering herself into a seat at the table, careful not to bump her bandaged wing in the process, and she's content to move a few things aside to make room for the both of them to enjoy breakfast together until the sudden slam at the counter draws her attention back to her Bonded.

She moves quickly, her own injuries and recovery forgotten, and she gently catches Alice by the elbow at the sink. She's fast enough to catch a glimpse of the blood before it rinses away, and her brows raise sharply before her eyes narrow with concern.]

What happened?!

[She had cut herself, that much was obviously, but there was something more— the tension singing through the air says as much, as does the expression on Alice's face.]

Did you... remember something?

[Alice nods, swallowing the urge to shoo Karin back to the kitchen table. Of course her Bonded would notice and react to the sudden noise and movement, to say nothing of the wave of who-knows-what emotions slipping through their Bond. There's no benefit to pretending otherwise, especially since it seems Karin isn't hurting herself in any way in checking up on her.]

Something that happened when Yuri and I traveled through China.

[Her voice in thin in its exhaustion, both mental and physical. She doesn't elaborate further on the memory. It's dark and depressing and not at all proper for the breakfast table, and honestly there's nothing to discuss. The villagers were killed before she and Yuri ever arrived. The demons that killed them are dead. There's no changing either fact, and Alice has long made peace with that reality.

Alice turns the water off, checks to make sure she's not still bleeding, and reaches for a towel to dry her hand. She can still feel the weight of Karin's gaze, so she makes an effort to assuage her concern.]

I'm fine. I promise. Every time this happens, I'm a little bit more me. It's something I should be happy about, something we should celebrate.

[Alice sounds like she's in no mood to celebrate anything at the moment, despite her words.]

I just wish the memories came back more... gently. That's all.

[There's certainly truth in those words. Each memory brings back another piece of the real Alice, makes her that much closer to who she's supposed to be, but the look on her face doesn't make Karin feel much like celebrating, and given the nature of the memories she must be regaining, she knows Alice doesn't much feel like it, either. Her own journey with Yuri had been grim and challenging, filled with horrors in its own right, and she knows enough about what had come before her to know that some of what Alice had seen was somehow even worse.

She frowns before pressing her lips together, taking Alice's hand in her own and turning it over so that she can examine it, pulling the towel away. The curative spell had done its work well enough, but once again, it's not the outside injuries Karin is most worried about.]

I wish they did, too— for your sake.

[Karin herself can feel the aftershocks, but that's a small price to pay. It doesn't bother her anywhere near as much as seeing Alice struggling.]

You always tell me you're fine. And if you are, then I'm glad, but also... it's okay not to be fine sometimes, you know.

[Alice watches Karin take her hand and inspect it, her resolve starting to slip. As her Bonded's health has improved, so has her concern for Alice's well being. The topic was easier to avoid when Karin didn't have the strength to keep the argument up, but now it feels more and more like there's little point to the charade.

Finally, finally, Alice relents.]

I'm tired. And not just from pushing myself--even when I want to, I can't sleep for very long before my mind wakes me up again. I wish I could sleep like I normally do.

[I.e., like the dead. Yuri has stories of what she's slept through.]

And I wish all of this hadn't happened at all, to you or to me. But there's no point in wishing something that can't come true. [Usually.] I just have to tough it out and work through it until it gets better.

[She takes Karin's hand in both of hers and squeezes it gently. Whether the gesture is meant to comfort Karin or herself, even Alice isn't sure.]

I'm trying my best, Karin. I really am. And just because I'm having a hard time doesn't mean you don't need care, too. It's... it's easier to focus on you. Please let me.

[How is she supposed to argue against a request like that? As much as she wishes she didn't, Karin does still need care, but her fear of allowing herself to be selfish is strong despite Alice's insistence. She squeezes Alice's hand in turn, laying another hand against her shoulder as she exhales, steadying herself.]

I'll let you. But anything you need, I want you to let me help with, too. If it's easier to focus on me for now, then... I understand.

[She can imagine how it might be better to have something to keep herself busy with than to dwell on her own re-emerging memories, but still.]

In turn, you have to promise to let me know if there is anything I can do, even if there's nothing right this moment.

[Otherwise they're both just going to keep trying to put up a strong front for one another.]

[The cadence is different, but the nature of Karin's request is intimately familiar. Whether it was Yuri casually-but-not-really-casually telling her not to push herself as they wandered the world, or Zhuzhen giving her a lecture on the limits of her youth as she ran herself ragged looking for some sign of Yuri, or Margarete hanging close and enforcing ladies' rest time as the curse began to take hold of her, the message was always the same: even you have limits. No amount of willpower can overpower that, much as she'd like it to.

Alice has been very, very blessed to have people to remind her of that, both then and now.]

Making sure I don't overdo things is more than enough. Thank you.

[Her smile grows fonder and less weary.]

That, and having breakfast. I really am looking forward to having something to eat and your company. Go sit down--I'll be right there.

[Alice separates herself from Karin, this time with reluctance rather than skittish avoidance, and goes to check on the damage with the knife and the croissants. Miraculously, there's only blood on the knife and counter. No need to dispose of anything.

After some clean up, some uneventful food preparation, and the whistle of a tea kettle, soon both ladies are sitting across from each other at the small kitchen table with mugs of tea and a light breakfast. Alice still looks exhausted, but there's significantly less tension on her expression as she sticks her face in the steam from her mug and lets out a small, contented sigh.]

Those things, I can absolutely do.

[Karin does help with the clean up, minimal though it is, despite the fact that Alice had insisted she sit earlier, but she resigns herself to letting Alice handle the food preparation as intended and makes herself comfortable at the table. She gives a smile and a nod of approval as Alice sits down across from her, and she reaches for her own cup of tea and pulls it towards her with both hands, letting her fingers curl around it and soak in its warmth.]

I had almost forgotten how nice just sitting down with a hot cup of tea can feel, after all the time I've spent hiding away upstairs.

[She may have needed that time and quiet to recover, but even the simpler things in life seemed like a novelty at the moment— not just because of her convalescence, of course, but they hardly need to dwell on what came before that.]

This looks wonderful— thank you, Alice.

[And, she notes silently, Alice herself looks more relaxed. Tired, of course, but it's still improvement.]

[Alice has neither the heart nor the inclination to chase Karin away when she helps clean up before sitting down, instead murmuring an earnest 'thank you' with a smile. It's a sweet gesture, and as long as she's not pushing herself too hard it's all right.

And soon they have food and warmth and company, which is exactly what they both need.]

You needed the time up there to heal. But I'm glad you're feeling well enough to venture out.

[Every step toward normalcy is an important one.]

And you're welcome. It isn't much, really.

But... I hope we can make a habit of this, as we continue to feel better?

[She smile she gives Karin over her mug is warm and hopeful.]

[She smiles warmly in response, giving an eager nod. That is an arrangement she'll absolutely agree to without hesitation.]

I would like that.

[They had been spending more time together since their bonding, but so much of that time had been filled with shared grieving that even as they got to know one another, they hadn't had nearly enough moments like this.

She thinks they would both do well to ensure they had more of them.]

Regular breakfasts. Or, I suppose we could get really creative and have lunch every now and then.

[Alice laughs. It's a wonderful feeling, letting herself relax and enjoy herself like this. Being able to do so with Karin just makes it that much sweeter.]

Before you know it, we'll be sharing dinners. It'll be the neighborhood gossip for weeks.

[Bondmates spending time together! The scandal!

Alice falters a moment, struck by a memory of her and Margarete laughing like this about who-even-knows-what. Probably at the men's expense, knowing Margarete. It hits with the same suddenness as her recollection of Zhaoyang Village earlier, but it leaves her heart feeling full rather than spooked.

Despite all she's been through, she's also been very blessed. Then and now.

Realizing she's likely staring into space and possibly worrying Karin, Alice forces her attention back to her Bonded.]

Joking aside, I'm very glad you're here with me. Through the good and the bad.

Would it really be that noteworthy?

[There's a faint blush that's crept into her cheeks, though she doesn't quite realize. Right, how scandalous, bondmates spending time together! Alice has been here night-and-day since the incident with the Evergreen Circle had come to an end, and Karin smiles to herself as she pulls part of her croissant into pieces. The staring doesn't trouble her terribly, for the short while that it lasts— Alice doesn't look upset, at least, and so she decides there's no reason to be concerned, focusing on the sentiment that follows instead. It's one she can most certainly agree with.]

I feel the same. Actually— I've been thinking.

[As much as she can, given all the sleeping she's been doing, but she'd been thinking of it before the Circle, as well.]

I don't like the idea of you all alone in that house, and having you here has been... ['Nice' doesn't seem like a strong enough word.] It feels right.

No, probably not.

[Alice laughs again, although this one is punctuated by a yawn. No amount of pleasantries will be enough to override the fact that she's exhausted, although at least for the moment that exhaustion doesn't feel like it's creeping into her very soul. She's merely just tired.

Maybe Karin's suggestion of a nap after breakfast isn't a terrible one.

She has to admit that the offer to stay permanently is a tempting one. Being with people is preferable to be alone, especially these days. And yet, she can't quite bring herself to say yes.]

I know you don't. I wish I could stay, but... I'm not ready to. I'll visit often, and you're welcome to stop by as much as you want. But I can't give it up. Not... not now.

[All of this to say: she's not quite able to let her home with Yuri go just yet.

~~She'll change her mind after she actually goes back and realizes how lonely it is, don't worry Karin. :c~~]

Of course.

[She gives an immediate nod in response, seemingly unbothered by the polite decline of her offer. It makes sense, of course; Alice has an attachment to the house she'd shared with Yuri, however briefly, and Karin isn't going to encourage her to give that up any sooner than she's ready.]

If that's what you want, then that's what matters most. I just wanted to make sure you knew... you're always welcome, anytime.

[But she can hardly blame her for wanting to hold onto what remains of her time with Yuri, even if he's not there. Karin misses him terribly, too, and can't imagine she would have done any differently in Alice's situation.]

So long as you know you're not alone.

Thank you for understanding.

[Not that she expected anything less. Karin's also mourning Yuri's departure, after all, and has been endlessly supportive of anything Alice has needed in that time.]

I know I'm welcome here and cared for. That's more than enough.

And I plan on extending my time here for as long as we both need to get better. You aren't rid of me just yet.

[The inclusion of herself in that statement is deliberate. As much as Alice has focused on Karin's recovery, she knows that she's here for her own good as well. They each have a lot of work to do, respectively, and that work is infinitely easier when they're together.

That said, Alice sets her mug down and forces herself to take a bit of croissant. Truth be told, she's still not very hungry, but she needs to eat.]

As if I could possibly want to be rid of you, anyway.

[She doesn't miss Alice's inclusion of herself, however, and her smile warms as she gives another nod, approving. Good. As long as Alice is keeping herself in mind, then Karin will do her part not to fuss in return quite so much.]

I understand completely. And, since it sounds like I won't need to do any further lecturing, I think we've more than earned the chance to just sit back and enjoy breakfast, don't you?

I'm glad I haven't worn out my welcome.

[Alice laughs again. Goodness, it feels nice to relax for once. And to feel cared for instead of being the one doing all the caring. It's not just a selfish feeling--it means that Karin feels well enough to fuss. Alice can't ask for better healing than that.

The laugh fades to another yawn.]

Yes, let's enjoy the rest of our breakfast. And then, some more sleep.

[Which is exactly how the rest of their morning goes. ♥ ]

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[Closed] 'cause I'm on your side, it's still you and me

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we can fade this one out wherever! girlfriend breakfast continues

gonna go ahead and fade it here