[ CLOSED ] hunting for love

[killuwatt]

Who: Killua Zoldyck and others
When: Septeril 27
Where: the nightmare city of Dream Aefenglom
What: fears and phantoms from the TDM
Warnings: blood, gore, physical and emotional abuse against a minor



Honestly, Killua doesn't really understand what's going on with the whole other city of Dorchacht. He wasn't around for any of it before, and though he's asked and learned what happened and why this is happening now, he's mostly stayed out of it. This isn't his fight. He has his Bonded to focus on, and he doesn't trust his magical abilities very much yet. It feels like an unnecessary risk, especially when it's been taken well in hand by other, more experienced people. He doesn't volunteer.

In the end, it doesn't matter. Maybe he's being punished for his selfish decision.

Comments

[freecshow]

[Gon's not aware that he's sinking until he feels Killua's hand—it doesn't touch him, because Gon's form is becoming steadily obscured, hard to place.

and Gon realizes it's frightening—through Killua's memories forming the landscape of this dream, he realizes how appeared to Killua, then; how frail and sucked dry his corpse of a body was, and how much was required to keep Gon breathing. and all the buzzing and ringing—it's so loud, and Gon doesn't know where it's coming from.

Gon can hear the tears in Killua's voice, and it kicks a sudden feeling of fitfulness within him. he feels like he's suffocating, but Killua's voice makes him try to force a breath through all of the ants that have completely covered him by now as Gon clumsily tries to find Killua's hand—and when he does, he grasps his hand around his wrist too hard, with soft, supple flesh. the movement of the insects covering Gon and the bed stills, and slouches, becoming then like runny tar—it all falls away with Gon, sloughing his bandages with it, and Gon is choking, spitting up black ichor.

Gon's flesh looks slick and ashy, making him look sickly—but so much better than the horrific state he was previously in. he's still laying on his back, feeling weak, but his breathing has stabilized—and his head is turned, his other hand moving to struggle the oxygen mask off of his face as he still holds strong to Killua.

once he gets it off, he looks to Killua with eyes that are much darker than usual—a sinking, depthless pitch, like the slick black substance that's now all around them, still dripping from Gon's arm and hand.]

Killua...

[Gon stares at Killua's tear stricken face, and it wells a wetness to his own eyes, his chin dimpling. his voice is weak and dry.]

I hurt you. You deserve better.

I didn't take you from your old life for this.

[Gon's voice is caught in a tense pause that's like a lump in his throat, before he pushes his next words out.]

I'm sorry I did that... I can't forgive myself.

[but he's here, because he can't leave Killua. the fact that Gon survived at all was because Gon loves him.]

[killuwatt]

[ Killua clutches at him, dragging him closer as soon as he frees himself from the oxygen mask. They're both kneeling on the bed now, and Killua's hands restlessly, anxiously move over Gon's body to wipe away the pitch even if it gets on his own hands and arms and clothes.

Until he just grabs Gon by the shoulders suddenly and yanks him against himself, arms wrapping tight around his body. Relieved to find him solid, warm, alive. ]

N-no.

[ Killua whispers, voice catching on his tears. His throat hurts. ]

No, you stupid idiot. Don't say things like that.

[ That was what brought him to this point to begin with. Killua can't let him find a new way to start the cycle again. ]

You're not the one who gets to forgive yourself.

Don't you get it?

[freecshow]

[Gon's startled, making a jostled little sound when he's crushed into a desperate hug—Killua's not the one to often instigate affection, much less any this emotional. but this is a dream, right? but Gon doesn't think he's ever seen it like this. he's also never seen himself in that hospital bed, and wonders if it's his mind's eye conjecture...

but Gon doesn't really have an amazing visual imagination.

Gon wraps his arms around Killua, always vying for this kind of contact—there's nothing he wants more than close, intimate contact like this, but has be careful with how often he instigates things like that. so suffice to say, Gon tucks into it, distantly aware of how he has no horns to prevent him from doing as much, which seems like an odd thought. horns??

Killua's words make Gon tense a little and he grits his teeth, sniffling, and lifts his head, using a bit of force against Killua's strength to peer at him. he extends a hand, wiping another gathering of tears beneath Killua's eyes with a stroke of his thumb. he feels a little guilty to find them beautiful, but Gon doesn't want them there. his brows slant back in mired confusion, head tilting with confusion. subtly, Gon shakes his head.]

Nuh uh...

[Gon not understanding something? what a surprise. but didn't people forgive themselves (or not forgive themselves) all the time? wasn't that a normal part of life?]

[killuwatt]

If you can't forgive yourself...

[ Killua wants to pull away just as strongly as he wants to crush himself against Gon. He wants to lean into the hand against his cheek and slap it away. He wants to punch Gon in his stupid, selfish face and then--

Killua turns his head as Gon wipes way his tears, pressing his lips to the soft inside of Gon's wrist. ]

...then let me.

Stop making decisions for me.

[freecshow]

Killua...

[Gon watches as Killua moves through those feelings; the conflict is almost palpable, and while he can't place what exactly Killua is feeling, he recognizes his distress.

normally, Gon would insist that in this case, it's not Killua's decision to make. it's Gon's, to forgive himself... unless Killua means that Gon is withholding certain things, behaving a certain way, based on how he perceives Killua might handle it. maybe in that way, Gon is making decisions for Killua.

but Gon doesn't get to those thoughts, right away, because Killua's kissing the inside of his wrist. his eyes widen a bit, and his heart beats hard; it echoes throughout the black, now too-large room, as if amplified by the disengaged life support machine.

Gon's frozen, staring, and he cups the swell of Killua's cheek in his palm once he recovers from the shock of the little kiss, shy but earnest. Gon thinks about explaining it, wondering if he even can. how death was his penance]

I just felt like I was the one who deserved to die, that's all. You didn't mess up—I did. I know it's not that simple, but...

[of course Gon wasn't thinking clearly. Killua knows that.]

I'm happy you forgive me, but forgiving myself isn't something you can do for me... I regret hurting you just as bad. It's hard to forgive myself when I love someone so much.

Do you know what I mean?

[this was a bad dream. of course Killua wouldn't know what he meant. in the back of his mind, Gon's finally aware this is a nightmare. but he can't help what the little kiss does to him.]

I wanted to see you so badly, when I woke up...

[killuwatt]

[ Doesn't he hear himself?

Killua closes his eyes briefly, taking a shaky breath. His hand covers Gon's at his face, and gently pulls it down. ]

I'm sorry. That I couldn't be there.

[ No. He could have. He could have lingered a little longer; he could have taken care of Alluka still and also stayed, just long enough for Gon to see him. But--

Something snags, painfully, in his swirling thoughts. The thought of Alluka.

And then, the words Gon chose just now.

Killua grips his hand with both of his, head bowed; his tears fall on their overlapping fingers. ]

...I do. Know what you mean.

I know how it feels to realize you've betrayed someone so terribly. Hurt someone you love.

[ He'd said it. Gon had said that word. ...hadn't he?

It's difficult to focus. The darkness around them feels like it's closing in, suffocating, the very air pulsing with his frantic heartbeat. He feels sick. ]

But when you realize that, you stay with them.

You don't get to say you can't forgive yourself. You try to earn it.

[freecshow]

[Gon's lip quivers a little bit when he feels Killua's tears, but strangely, he's able to reign it in because of them. Gon's an emotional boy, and he tends to cave to his emotional whims... but he can also steel up; it's a little easier if it means supporting Killua, not to totally lose it.]

I've been trying! I've never wanted to leave your side in the first place, [Gon implores with some urgency, his voice a mite higher, exasperated—but not with Killua. not really.

Gon's aware of the deepening dark, and how stifling it is; it's heightening Gon's nerves, and he's almost feeling an irrational panic, his heart racing, limbs still feeling weak and frail, shaken by the cold.]

But I didn't want to take you down with me; you didn't do anything to deserve that.

[but he knows now—when he isn't dreaming, that Gon shouldn't have reacted so extremely in the first place. he only shut Killua out because of the consequences of his own bad decisions, and his inability to regulate his strong feelings.

Gon's expression falls, eyes clouding. he moves his hand away from Killua's face, taking Killua's wet hand with him, wondering if all this darkness is just gonna eat them both alive, and they're both gonna stupidly, pointlessly die here. but together, instead of Gon alone, as he originally wanted.

Gon rolls his thumb across the ridges of Killua's fingers, across the backs of them, feeling how the air bites at the wet left behind from his tears.]

I'm trying my best because I really do love you. It's just hard to do that when you can't get out of this room when you don't wanna breathe anymore and you can't move anyway.

[Gon says this like that's a normal thing everyone experiences, because, y'know, dreams. like Killua, Gon is stuck in how he felt at that moment, but oscillating between that and his current self. and as he says this, Gon leans forward again, this time putting his arms around Killua. it's not as urgently tight as Killua's previous embrace, but strong enough to draw him close; Gon tucks subtly against the side of Killua's neck, resting his hand on the back of his head.]

I hate that I've made you feel this way.

[killuwatt]

You... you keep saying that.

[ Killua buries his face in Gon's neck in turn. He's scared to look up. Scared it won't be real.

He knows it can't be real. ]

That word... that you lo--

[ He's scared to repeat it.

Gon's admission he doesn't want to breathe anymore chills him to the marrow of his bone, even if, in a strange way, it doesn't surprise him at the same time. ]

If you really love me, then you can't keep saying it's okay if you die and I don't.

How is that fair?

[ Twisted, convoluted logic. The darkness pressed own, suffocating and cold. Killua's grip tightens around Gon, painfully hard. ]

Don't... you can't say things like that. Please.

Don't you understand how much it hurts me?

[ Maybe he's just selfish too. ]

[freecshow]

[Gon's impressed by the might of Killua's hold, and is vindicated by it more than inconvenienced, despite how it really makes Gon realize his own frailty in his hold. Gon doesn't move from where he's resting his head against Killua, finding it strange, a little bit, that he still feels so cold with Killua so close. it makes Gon want to melt in against him, and it brings him a bit of lucidity—as does Killua's pained tone.

that's what has Gon finally lift his head again, letting go of Killua to stroke his face with both of his hands, this time, drying his eyes. it feels strange—Gon can see his tears, but he almost doesn't feel them.

come to think of it, with the way the light is growing more and more dim, Gon can't see Killua as well in general as he could what felt like minutes before.]

I'm sorry. You're right. I do know that now. I didn't understand, before...

[even though Gon hated it when Killua said the same kind of thing.]

I won't say stuff like that ever again, no matter how I'm feeling. I'll do better. So let's stay together, Killua... [Gon feels like this is a hopeless plea, considering that Gon's probably messed things up beyond repair. this is actually a fear Gon's gotten over, in recent months—but Gon's memory and feelings are sort of spliced, once again, between the week following his near death experience and his week in Aefenglom before he went to sleep to have this terrible nightmare.]

We can leave this place and we can stay by each other's side...

[killuwatt]

If that's really how you feel...

[ If all he does is not say it aloud, then maybe Killua's the one in the wrong here after all. He's just telling Gon not to say what he really feels for his own selfish reasons, while Gon suffers. ]

I want to stay by your side too, Gon. But you have to let me.

[ He still hasn't let go, though his grip loosens slightly, the strength starting to leave his body. He suddenly feels so very tired. ]

Why can't I be enough? [ this time, the question isn't directed at Gon. it's simply whispered into his shoulder, in the darkness, sad and quiet. ]

Why can't I ever do enough to help? I've always been weak... when it really mattered.

I'm sorry.

[freecshow]

[Gon blinks, tilting his head in confusion, his forehead wrinkled by how his brows slant back.

does he not let Killua stay by his side?? does he mean the palace?

then he feels Killua slacken a bit, and he hears Killua's question—he leans back, holding Killua's shoulders again, propping him up.]

Killua—!

[the darkness is so dense, suddenly, it's almost like a black smoke, nearly corporeal—and Gon panics, feeling like he can't see Killua. he can't feel him. like they're both disappearing respectively, unable to redeem themselves in their own eyes, hung on apologies that neither of them truly owe. not that Gon thinks of it that way.]

Killua, that's not true—

[and suddenly, Gon's gut drops; it's like the two of them plunge into an icy, suffocating darkness, like they've been dropped into the depthy center of an ocean's belly. all the wind is knocked out from him, and then Gon suddenly comes to, eyes snapping open, chest heaving.

Gon rolls to his side, body awash with a cold sweat, eyes wide as his heart races; his hand knots in the fabric of his shirt, breath an unsteady staccato. he feels the uncomfortable way his ear sort of bends as he lays on his side, and as he curls up, Gon sees the dark fur that covers his knees—it grounds him, reminds him, he's in Aefenglom, he's a Faun, all of that was a dream. just a nightmare.

but he's never seen it like that, before. he's never had a vision of what he looked like in that hospital... and he's never heard Killua say things like that. the distress that Gon feels from his dream, being unable to dispute Killua's unworthy feelings, makes his chest hurt.

tears welling, breath shaky, Gon scrambles to grab his watch. Gon sits himself up, and his hands are shaking, so he tries to go slow as he unsteadily writes Killua a message.]

I know its late, sorry if this seems random !

But I just wanted to tell you that you mean a lot to me, Killua. You're more than enough, and I'm so lucky that I have you in this place, and that we're still friends, and that we're Bonded, and everything! To be honest, I still don't even really think I deserve it, but I'm happy every day that you gave me another chance, so I'm not going to waste your kindness! I wish I could say it better, but you really amaze me. I think you're so strong.

I know that some of that sounds obvious but I justfelt like I had to tell you, I had a bad feeling

Ok goodnight!!

[Gon hopes his tone in his text doesn't betray how weirdly devastated he feels, and how the guilt twists hard inside him; Killua's always taking care of him, even in this place. he has to do better. he wants Killua to feel appreciated and cared for.

Gon tosses his watch, then curls back up on his side. the bristles of his tail curl by his chin, which dimples as his dense, thick eyelashes well with fat tears, Gon pulling on his ears in distress as he begins to cry. and it's not the usual empty weeping he does after a nightmare—soon, he shakes with guttural sobs, now clutching his face, gone red from his distress.

it was just a dream, but for some reason, it's really painful.]