[ CLOSED ] hunting for love

[killuwatt]

Who: Killua Zoldyck and others
When: Septeril 27
Where: the nightmare city of Dream Aefenglom
What: fears and phantoms from the TDM
Warnings: blood, gore, physical and emotional abuse against a minor



Honestly, Killua doesn't really understand what's going on with the whole other city of Dorchacht. He wasn't around for any of it before, and though he's asked and learned what happened and why this is happening now, he's mostly stayed out of it. This isn't his fight. He has his Bonded to focus on, and he doesn't trust his magical abilities very much yet. It feels like an unnecessary risk, especially when it's been taken well in hand by other, more experienced people. He doesn't volunteer.

In the end, it doesn't matter. Maybe he's being punished for his selfish decision.

Comments

[freecshow]

[Gon's impressed by the might of Killua's hold, and is vindicated by it more than inconvenienced, despite how it really makes Gon realize his own frailty in his hold. Gon doesn't move from where he's resting his head against Killua, finding it strange, a little bit, that he still feels so cold with Killua so close. it makes Gon want to melt in against him, and it brings him a bit of lucidity—as does Killua's pained tone.

that's what has Gon finally lift his head again, letting go of Killua to stroke his face with both of his hands, this time, drying his eyes. it feels strange—Gon can see his tears, but he almost doesn't feel them.

come to think of it, with the way the light is growing more and more dim, Gon can't see Killua as well in general as he could what felt like minutes before.]

I'm sorry. You're right. I do know that now. I didn't understand, before...

[even though Gon hated it when Killua said the same kind of thing.]

I won't say stuff like that ever again, no matter how I'm feeling. I'll do better. So let's stay together, Killua... [Gon feels like this is a hopeless plea, considering that Gon's probably messed things up beyond repair. this is actually a fear Gon's gotten over, in recent months—but Gon's memory and feelings are sort of spliced, once again, between the week following his near death experience and his week in Aefenglom before he went to sleep to have this terrible nightmare.]

We can leave this place and we can stay by each other's side...

[killuwatt]

If that's really how you feel...

[ If all he does is not say it aloud, then maybe Killua's the one in the wrong here after all. He's just telling Gon not to say what he really feels for his own selfish reasons, while Gon suffers. ]

I want to stay by your side too, Gon. But you have to let me.

[ He still hasn't let go, though his grip loosens slightly, the strength starting to leave his body. He suddenly feels so very tired. ]

Why can't I be enough? [ this time, the question isn't directed at Gon. it's simply whispered into his shoulder, in the darkness, sad and quiet. ]

Why can't I ever do enough to help? I've always been weak... when it really mattered.

I'm sorry.

[freecshow]

[Gon blinks, tilting his head in confusion, his forehead wrinkled by how his brows slant back.

does he not let Killua stay by his side?? does he mean the palace?

then he feels Killua slacken a bit, and he hears Killua's question—he leans back, holding Killua's shoulders again, propping him up.]

Killua—!

[the darkness is so dense, suddenly, it's almost like a black smoke, nearly corporeal—and Gon panics, feeling like he can't see Killua. he can't feel him. like they're both disappearing respectively, unable to redeem themselves in their own eyes, hung on apologies that neither of them truly owe. not that Gon thinks of it that way.]

Killua, that's not true—

[and suddenly, Gon's gut drops; it's like the two of them plunge into an icy, suffocating darkness, like they've been dropped into the depthy center of an ocean's belly. all the wind is knocked out from him, and then Gon suddenly comes to, eyes snapping open, chest heaving.

Gon rolls to his side, body awash with a cold sweat, eyes wide as his heart races; his hand knots in the fabric of his shirt, breath an unsteady staccato. he feels the uncomfortable way his ear sort of bends as he lays on his side, and as he curls up, Gon sees the dark fur that covers his knees—it grounds him, reminds him, he's in Aefenglom, he's a Faun, all of that was a dream. just a nightmare.

but he's never seen it like that, before. he's never had a vision of what he looked like in that hospital... and he's never heard Killua say things like that. the distress that Gon feels from his dream, being unable to dispute Killua's unworthy feelings, makes his chest hurt.

tears welling, breath shaky, Gon scrambles to grab his watch. Gon sits himself up, and his hands are shaking, so he tries to go slow as he unsteadily writes Killua a message.]

I know its late, sorry if this seems random !

But I just wanted to tell you that you mean a lot to me, Killua. You're more than enough, and I'm so lucky that I have you in this place, and that we're still friends, and that we're Bonded, and everything! To be honest, I still don't even really think I deserve it, but I'm happy every day that you gave me another chance, so I'm not going to waste your kindness! I wish I could say it better, but you really amaze me. I think you're so strong.

I know that some of that sounds obvious but I justfelt like I had to tell you, I had a bad feeling

Ok goodnight!!

[Gon hopes his tone in his text doesn't betray how weirdly devastated he feels, and how the guilt twists hard inside him; Killua's always taking care of him, even in this place. he has to do better. he wants Killua to feel appreciated and cared for.

Gon tosses his watch, then curls back up on his side. the bristles of his tail curl by his chin, which dimples as his dense, thick eyelashes well with fat tears, Gon pulling on his ears in distress as he begins to cry. and it's not the usual empty weeping he does after a nightmare—soon, he shakes with guttural sobs, now clutching his face, gone red from his distress.

it was just a dream, but for some reason, it's really painful.]