middaeg | (catch-all)(closed) the days don't stop coming

Crowley—

( oh.

oh, that's heartbreaking. his hand squeezes along crowley's shoulder, hoping to offer him some measure of comfort. he doesn't want him to think that way, that this is somehow his fault in the end.

his expression tightens. )

What do you expect for a stronger bond to be able to do for me? Or learning more magic?

( did he think that any of those things could help stay what is happening to him? aziraphale already knows that it wouldn't, that there is nothing that he could do to delay or prevent it. as long as they are here, in this place, it is only going to keep happening. the passing days and the full moon will only bring new changes.

until it's over. )

This cannot be fixed.

It can. You're frightened of hurting me, yeah? Well the bond is meant to help with control. That's how it works. Keeps you from going feral. So maybe if I'd done this sooner, or better, you'd feel calmer.

[ There's a stubborn note to that. Crowley is stubbornly determined to accept a degree of fault in this, and he won't have it brushed away. Just because Aziraphale hurt him and felt guilty about it doesn't mean he can shoulder all the blame on his own! ]

( whatever impression crowley has in his head is entirely wrong. the person who had failed to promptly establish a bond had been aziraphale, who had spent far too much time being indecisive about what familiars he should choose. crowley wasn't a part of the equation until he put himself there.

he lets out a quiet breath. he thinks he should correct him, but decides it doesn't matter as much as the other point he brought up. )

Better? How are you meant to do it any better?

( what else is to be done? improved intimacy? physical closeness? )

[ Supposedly, being tactile does help with the bond.

Crowley is thinking about that as his fingers flex where they're knit with Aziraphale's, thinking about them being closer. Thinking about if Aziraphale would stubbornly object, or if he has to word this in some specific way. If he has to appeal to him on terms of practicality, in case the emotions are off-putting. ]

Aziraphale.

[ Said softly, as patiently as he can -- still tinged with a little frustration. ]

( the most off-putting thing is what is happening between them now. it feels as if there is something hanging in the air between them, something unspoken and irrevocably irritating. crowley seems to be hinged on the idea that he had done something to somehow make this all worse and aziraphale hasn't the faintest idea as to why.

this hardly concerns him at all. )

Come on then. Out with it.

( say whatever it is that's in that head of his. )

[ 'Out with it'.

Crowley feels himself shy from that, tempted to immediately demur. To claim there's nothing to discuss, that it doesn't matter, nothing to be out with. There's a tangled knot of emotion inside him, a writhing ball of snakes all trying to move different directions.

The problem is, putting it off won't make the problem go away.

It only looms bigger every time they have to work around it. Like the emperor's invisible clothing or whatever, hippo in the room people ignore, everyone acting normal while the truth is they're both absolute fools.

Maybe he's a fool for allowing it this long.

Maybe Aziraphale is wilfully acting blind and just waiting for his cue to stop pretending.

Maybe he'll never know if he never says anything about it, but Aziraphale takes a long time to accept any sort of change. ]

Big words from someone who didn't want me to say anything earlier.

[ A reluctant grumble. ]

I just think -- probably work better if we both agree what we want out of this. So we're on the same page.

[ There, that sounds... neutral enough. For now. ]

( everything about this feels like it is taking too long. the current position makes aziraphale feel as if he is on display, providing full view of the offending new appendages he's been cursed with as well as all the nervousness in his hands and face. he would rather not drag this out any longer than they must.

he would like to say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done, and be allowed to retreat back to—

oh, no. he couldn't. he couldn't go back to his bedroom to sleep in the condition the sheets were in.

he sighs, both at the sudden realisation and in acknowledgement to crowley's words. )

Mm.

( what they both wanted, was it? did they even want the same things?

he squeezes crowley's fingers, gently but lingering. )

Well, do you know what it is that you want out of this then, Crowley?

( surely, he must have some idea to bring it up. )

[ Does he know what he wants?

What a question, of course he does.

Typical, he thinks, of Aziraphale to make him take the first step again. He feels a wave of... something, at it. A lingering, prickling feeling. Like frustration, but not frustration.

He doesn't have the energy to play this carefully, but the finger squeeze is a reassurance that it might not matter. ]

I just want to be with you, angel. That's all I want. That's all I've ever wanted. Just to be with you. Not because I have to be, just because I want to be.

( that hardly feels like an answer. that much had been made clear to him on more than a few occasions. and. . . he is here now. he doesn't have to be and most likely shouldn't be, but here he is. standing in this cramped bathroom, unwilling to leave aziraphale to his own devices.

he looks over crowley's face, trying to read his expression. )

I know. I do know that.

( so, he wonders, what is he trying to get at by bringing it up? where was he leading this to? wouldn't it be better to simply say it outright?

as it is, he feels like he's simply waiting. waiting for crowley to get to the point, of course, but also possibly for him to do something.

or maybe aziraphale was supposed to do something instead? )

[ 'I know'.

Bit of an underwhelming reply, if he's honest.

Satan preserve him, his patience is being severely tested. ]

Do you?

[ Honestly. ]

Because sometimes I really don't know. There's no sides here, angel. We can just be together -- there's nobody to stop us! None of these people know or care what we are!

( ah.

does he?

suddenly, it doesn't feel like they're talking about the same thing. he had thought they were, that this was crowley telling him to stop trying to shoo him off or trying to pull away from him to resolve the current issue on his own, but he's not confident in that anymore. )

Crowley—

( he starts, pausing as he thinks how to ask the question. )

Are we not together now?

[ Satan preserve him, that's the last of his patience. ]

Well how am I meant to know, then? I can tell you this is the least romantic relationship I've experienced, some days, even when we don't turn the kitchen into a disaster!

[ Cooking is harder than it looks, it turns out, and sticking to simple things is probably better. ]

Look I'm not asking for little cards with poems in and heart shaped chocolates, but give me something angel.

Oh!

( they were not talking about the same thing at all.

aziraphale looks like a deer caught in the headlights of a car as he processes that particular piece of information, the realisation rapidly dawning on him. he starts to mentally replay some of their conversation, but he still thinks it's far too sudden. it's far too abrupt!

why now? why was this a topic of conversation now? was this truly the best time? after he had just recently sunken his teeth into crowley's shoulder? was he mad? shouldn't he have about the opposite sort of reaction to this?

after a brief, excruciating pause, he starts to talk all at once. )

No! No, no. We're not—

( he lifts their joined hands, nearly about to gesticulate, but then stops. he doesn't let go of crowley's hand. )

Together. In that sense.

( not currently, he thinks. if they were, there wouldn't be a question about it! it wouldn't be some nebulous, unsure thing. that hardly feels like a relationship at all! he feels insulted that sounds plausible to crowley! really!

more importantly, he's insulted at the line "least romantic relationship i've experienced". when exactly had crowley racked up experience on that front?

his fingers tighten around crowley's as if to keep him from pulling away. )

I mean, we could be, but I-I didn't know that's what you meant.

( oh, that isn't the way he wanted to say that. )

You didn't?

[ Said in a tone of utter disbelief. ]

None of this was a clue, none of it at all?

[ Everything seemed like regular friendly behaviour then, did it? The holding Aziraphale tight into his body, pressing his face into his hair, holding hands, the whole stupid lot of it? Did everything they do together really just seem like normal everyday friendship?

Honestly. ]

( if he cared to argue about it, which he doesn't, but if he did—he would mention that it was all generally happening under duress. it certainly wasn't as if they were casually holding hands on the couch or anything. it would be nice if they had, but that wasn't quite what was happening.

everything felt more like. . . well, not that.

aziraphale lets out a small sigh. )

I wouldn't have thought you'd be discussing it right now! It's a rather bad time, don't you think? To-to talk about that sort of thing after I've just bitten you!

( that's the more important point, he thinks. )

And—

( he pauses, pursing his lips. )

Shouldn't it be done more formally? Over dinner or somewhere nice?

( or at the very least, crowley was supposed to ask him that question properly. simply saying that he wanted to be together wasn't exactly asking him. )

[ Timing?

It's the timing that's bothering him? ]

In case you hadn't noticed, we eat dinner together every day. The blood and screaming does tend to invoke a sense of urgency over the whole thing.

[ Also, perhaps, the fear. There might have been some fear involved. Crowley had been afraid, had momentarily envisioned the end for both of them.

The end might still come. He's still considering it a possibility that he'll wake up starting to grow fur himself tomorrow. ]

( it is the timing that bothers him.

he's a little flabbergasted that this seems fine to crowley. that he would want to express all of this now and talk about what the two of them wanted from each other while in what was possibly one of the most stressful situations aziraphale could recall. there was still blood in his hair and both of them could really use some sleep. )

Then—

( he starts, matching crowley's gaze. )

Then ask me next time we have dinner! I'll say yes then!

( nevermind that he is technically saying "yes" now. it still had to be done correctly. )

[ It isn't surprising, exactly, that Aziraphale would say yes.

It is, however, a weird sensation to hear it. Especially, to hear it as 'I'll say yes then', which is both an acceptance (saying he will) but also a delay (not right now!).

Crowley hadn't thought it possible to feel relieved, excited and annoyed all at once but somehow they all swim through him. ]

Yeah. We can do that. Can do all that romantic nonsense, if that's what you want angel.

[ 'Nonsense'. Well, have to keep up appearances and all. He is still a demon. Can't lean too hard into the four-letter-word stuff. ]

( he lets out a breath that he hadn't realised he had been holding when crowley concedes, agreeing to ask him about their relationship again under more appropriate circumstances. it'll be much nicer then, when neither of them were stressed or bloody, and a far better start to what he knows would be the rest of their lives.

and it would be the rest of their lives, wouldn't it? neither would surely settle for anything less than forever.

the only problem, he thinks, is that crowley wants to refer to it as if it weren't important. )

It isn't nonsense!

( and he did want all of it. he would be more than glad to do all of those and more things with crowley. )

If you're going to take such a large step forward, you should be getting off on the right foot.

( with his free hand, he reaches out to tug on the sleeve of crowley's clothes and beckon him to lean down. )

Right, yeah, right foot and all.

[ Aziraphale is... drawing him down. Crowley, who had been hovering over him awkwardly thinking about how he needs to keep cleaning the blood out of his hair, lets himself be drawn down. ]

I'll buy you some chocolates.

[ Equal parts teasing and honesty. It's a cliché gift, on the one hand, that isn't that exciting. On the other, Aziraphale loves a good box of chocolates so it does work out. ]

( on the contrary, for aziraphale it was a perfectly exciting gift. his expression finally brightens, a warm smile stretching across his face, as he shifts his grip on crowley's arm to guide him downward. the chocolate would be a sweet gesture—and quite literally at that—and downright appropriate for the occasion. )

Oh, that would be lovely!

( once crowley is within reach, he carefully winds his arms around his shoulders in a snug embrace. the movement of it is slow and cautious despite the nature of their current conversation. there's a part of him that isn't sure if he's taking the right direction, that he might need to wait, but he can't help but want to hold the demon. )

I'll pick up a nice bottle of wine in the afternoon.

[ Ah.

They're hugging again.

Without the adrenaline behind it Crowley is a little more awkward about this, slowly wrapping his arms back around Aziraphale and then letting out a sigh as he settles into it. ]

Bottle of wine would be nice. Just a quiet night, yeah?

[ After all this drama, minimal excitement seems preferable.

Although, he supposes, neither of them can be sure if it will... stay quiet. Or if Aziraphale might continue to change. Is it all over? Or is there more? ]

( it's nice. it's nice to get to hold crowley like this and without deep feelings of fear and worry nipping at him. crowley's warm against him and the room is quiet enough for him to hear the thrum of his pulse. he feels a little more confident in his decision to reach out, firmly deciding that it was indeed the right step to try to show some of his own feelings.

he lets out a quiet exhale of his own, the new ears on top of his head perking up despite himself. he presses his face into crowley's shoulder. )

Yes. Something comfortable would be best. Perhaps we could sit out in the garden afterwards? While the weather is still nice.

( he pauses. )

It won't be anything like this.

( nothing like tonight. they'll get off on the right foot. )

Mmmm.

[ Garden might be nice. While the weather isn't too cold. Crowley shifts, presses his face against Aziraphale's shoulder in a mirror of his gesture. ]

If it is, just aim for the other shoulder so I'm nice and even.

[ One bite mark each side, you see, then it'll be tidy. Biting the same place twice would be a mess. ]

( that's a horrifying thought. he bristles underneath crowley's arms immediately, a mix between offended and guilty. he'll never be able to forget the fact that he had bitten into crowley tonight neither will he forget that he attempted to lick it afterwards either.

his face quickly feels too hot. )

I'd rather not bite you again at all! Your poor shoulder—

( his hold on crowley tightens, squeezing him as if that might make it clearer that he intended to protect him. . . from himself.

resolutely, he adds. )

I'll lock myself in when the moon is full.

(catch-all)(closed) the days don't stop coming

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