[ It's just how Bonds work, of course - Reynir knows that. And yet, nonetheless, he feels a swell of pride in his chest, at the fact that he was the one who helped to dispel that feeling. That he is the reason Onni doesn't feel that way any longer. Not only that, but he's only too aware that Onni might pick up on that sudden, intense rush of pride and happiness.
He hadn't really thought of himself as someone who hid a lot, but he's finding, even after such a short amount of time connected to Onni, that that might have been naive. ]
Welllll, I mean, technically, you said they could look worse. That's not the same as saying they're not-ugly!
[ Reynir is smiling as he says it, and it's audible in his voice even if Onni can't see his face from this angle. Onni doens't think his horns are ugly. He thinks they suit him. Why does that make him so happy? ]
We should - talk more. Set up some ground rules. Like... if I notice you're feeling something, and I ask you about it, and you really, really don't want to talk about it, you've got a- a password, and I have to drop it, no questions asked. Or... some kind of rule about if we end up seeing each other's memories and that.
[It's strange, the feeling of experiencing, to a degree, the reaction of another person to something he's said. The sudden swell of pride and happiness that seems to surge into him from the place that Reynir's head is resting on his shoulder is perplexing and foreign and at first he isn't sure what he said or did to trigger something like that. It becomes a little more clear once Reynir explains his perception of 'could look worse' and 'not-ugly,' but it just clears up the particular thing he'd said that triggered the feeling and not why.
Onni suspects that this is going to be a line of thought he's going to be following a lot while he's bonded to Reynir.
For now, he lets it go, to be mulled over later, though there's a chance, he suspects, that Reynir might have felt some of that confusion and the letting go. The next topic that Reynir brings up is something easier to wrap his head around - setting ground rules and ensuring they have some form of boundary despite this situation. Nodding a little, he makes a considering 'hm' in his throat.]
That makes sense. I'd like to be able to say that I can't talk about something. I...
[A pause, and he feels, for a moment, a deep sense of shame about the depth of emotion inside him that he tries to keep hidden inside himself. But there's no point in avoiding it. All of it will be obvious to Reynir one way or another, so it's best to have something in place.]
There are some things that I feel or think about or remember that are very intense. I'm sure you'll notice them. But those things...some of them I just can't talk about. Not now. Maybe not ever.
[A deep breath, and he's glad that Reynir's head is on his shoulder so the younger man can't see his face, can't risk eye contact.]
It would be good to have a way to tell you which things those are.
[ Now is the moment when Reynir learns, for the first time, just how different it is, knowing that Onni is feeling bad, sympathizing and wanting to make it better, and actually feeling an echo of that feeling. It's like the bottom has dropped out of his stomach, that sudden inrush of shame, over something so small as admitting there are topics he would like to avoid.
Reynir knows, too, that what he is getting is nowhere near as intense as what Onni himself must be feeling, that it is filtered and diluted through the Bond. He lets that discomfort push at him, staying quiet and still and waiting for Onni to keep talking. ]
That's okay. You don't have to. Even if it's not ever.
[ In his mind, when he'd brought this up, he'd planning to crack a joke, lightheartedly tell Onni he wasn't giving him a get-out-of-jail-free card for any troublesome conversation. But he knows now, just from the embarrassed self-disgust Onni feels even broaching the subject, that he won't misuse their arrangement in that way.
So he abandons the idea of the joke and instead turns his mind to solutions. The trick is thinking of a word that will be memorable and distinctive, but not in itself be too upsetting or give that many connotations of emotion or fragility. That way, Onni might not feel quite so ashamed to actually take the out.
After a moment's quiet pondering, Reynir suggests: ]
How about... false asphodel? It's um, it's a kind of plant that grows in Iceland, and it's poisonous. Humans just know not to touch it, but sheep will graze on it without realizing, and it burns their mouths and they spit it out right away. It's something that... it looks harmless, but it's just - better not to touch it.
[There's something a little fragile about the moments between Onni's confession about his feelings and Reynir's response. Fragile because he's a little worried that Reynir will joke about it or push at it or demand to know more or what those thoughts and feelings and memories are about. But Reynir doesn't. He just says it's okay and he doesn't have to talk about it ever, if he doesn't want to.
It's a relief, and a moment later he registers that probably part of it is because Reynir had seen his past in that memory of Lalli's and that he'd been there when Tuuri had died. That he probably knows where those feelings and thoughts come from, probably knows what memories Onni is visiting when he feels them. For a moment, he misses Tuuri, even in her soft barely tangible bird form, and almost immediately after feeling that, he tries to tamp it down. But the emotion is too big to completely hide, and it leaks through, tinging all his thoughts with sadness.
When Reynir starts talking again, about what word they might use to communicate that something is too much to talk about, it becomes a bit easier to move past the lonely sadness that thinking about Tuuri brings up in him. The mention of a specific plant's name and the reason why it symbolizes what meaning they're interested in attributing to it makes sense, but Onni isn't entirely sure about the usage of it. Making a little hum in his throat, Onni shakes his head.]
So I would just say that to you, is that what you mean? Just the words 'false asphodel' like that? Or would I refer to the emotion or whatever as false asphodel?
[ Reynir hears the hesitancy in Onni's voice, feels it tugging at his insides as well. Is that ever going to stop feeling strange? Or will it always be like this? ]
Well, I was thinking, more like... if I'm asking you, 'Hey, Onni, what's up with you feeling super sad right now?' and you say you don't want to get into it, and I say something like, 'Hey I'm your friend and you should open up to me' you can say 'We're done with this, I'm calling false asphodel' or 'you're getting into false asphodel territory' or whatever, and that way I'll know to drop it.
[ Reynir lifts his head, finally, scooting to sit sideways on the couch so he can look at Onni. His knees press against the side of Onni's thigh, and his expression is earnest and stubborn. ]
I... want you to talk to me about stuff. When things are hard. And I - don't want you to underestimate me. You aren't gonna scare me off or hurt me, even if what you need to say is awful. But all of that - it's got limits. I know that. So this way, when it's really important. I'll know.
[ Reynir brightens with a thought, adds: ]
And I can use it, too. 'Cause, y'know. I've- got stuff I don't want to talk about sometimes. It goes both ways.
[While Reynir explains how they could use the term and in what possible situation, he has a moment of mild discomfort, wondering if that's going to happen often, if Reynir is going to push him when he's upset to the point he has to use that phrase. But he lets that go, because he does have the 'false asphodel' thing to fall back on, even as he wonders if he'll have to use it too frequently.
Part of him starts to worry, too, about how much of him Reynir is going to be seeing, becoming almost awkwardly aware of every emotion that passes through him and how it might be perceived. Particularly because Reynir's transient emotional spikes all seem to match what he's showing on the outside, and to be overwhelmingly positive - happiness and pride and relief - while Onni knows that his own are the opposite, hidden and negative. It's baffling, how Reynir can be like that when they come from the same world, and thinks in a resigned sort of way, that it must be because he was raised in safety in Iceland, with a good family.]
I don't know that talking about these things will be helpful. There isn't anything I can do about most of them, talking about it will just make me dwell on it and feel helpless.
[He doesn't look at Reynir, even as the younger man sits sideways on the couch and he feels that momentary drop in emotional temperature before Reynir's knees press against his thigh. That last comment earns him a snort, though.]
I find that hard to believe. I can't imagine you hiding anything.
I suppose it comes down to a different attitude towards talking. Maybe it's an Icelandic thing, I don't know. But I've always thought... being able to put something in words is useful all on its own. Like, saying 'I'm in a shitty mood because the wind knocked over the new fence that I just fixed' isn't going to repair the fence, but it can be good to... put it into a story like that and name how you feel about it.
[ Reynir trails off, feeling a little silly. Onni will probably discount what he's saying, as softness, or nonsense, or both. And maybe it is. There are better examples, ones that had actually made a difference in his life. Maybe he should have used one of them. Talked about how it helped, in his relationships with his siblings, to actually sit down and just... talk about their origins and his. ]
I mean, you and Lalli, you do your magic using poetry, right? For your gods, and to the moon or whatever? So you know words can be powerful. And- and there's something to be said for... having someone understand what you're feeling, and why you're feeling it. It... makes everything a little less lonely.
[ When Onni says he can't imagine Reynir hiding anything, Reynir smiles, not very wide. Remembers, with nauseating clarity, lying to Onni when Tuuri had been bitten. Remembers other times, too. Now and then, when Onni had done something or said something small, that hurt his feelings, and he'd tucked the feeling away, without showing it. The smile doesn't waver, but Onni isn't likely to miss the sudden flash of sadness. ]
I don't hide much. But that's not the same as nothing.
[ Reynir reaches out, tentative, reaching for Onni's hand. He laces their hands together, tucks Onni's hand between both of his. ]
Is this okay? Someone warned me... told me it's good for Bonded people to - have contact when they can. For the flow of the magic, or whatever.
[ Yes, that's definitely the reason. It isn't just that he wanted to hold Onni's hand... ]
[Onni listens, his expression thoughtful, eyes on Reynir as the Icelander talks about having a different attitude towards talking, how it might be him or it might be an Icelandic thing. Onni isn't sure, either way, but it's something he can't really wrap his head around either way. Saying the things out loud that bothers him has never done much for him, when it comes to making him feel better about it. Maybe naming it would help other people know what's going on with him, but he's never been one to ask other people for help or to understand what he's feeling or thinking either.
It isn't what he's accustomed to, but he finds himself willing to listen to Reynir talk about it. Whether that's because of the new shared pulse of emotion between them or because he's softening toward Reynir a little, he isn't sure. His points about knowing that words can be powerful because of his work as a mage make sense, and Onni finds himself making a soft 'mhm' of acknowledgement. But...the part about being lonely...]
I've never been lonely. There have always been people around, at least until Tuuri and Lalli left. Even then, there were the other mages.
[And of course, he knows that's probably not what Reynir meant. He can feel that much, from the emotion radiating through their bond, which is still a strange thing to think of. But he doesn't know how to express what's going on in his mind, and can't approach the feeling inside of him that feels empty and alone. It's too close to his grief over Tuuri, the grief that keeps hitting him harder and harder now that he's separated even from her soul in that soft, bright bird form.
A moment later, he feels a flash of sadness from Reynir, and he blinks, looking over at him, blinking a little. He isn't sure why that sadness took him so much by surprise, wonders for a moment if it isn't because he's always thought of Reynir as someone who's happy most of the time, or at least optimistic and upbeat. Of course, he's seen him upset, afraid, even in pain, but still he registers in Onni's mind as someone too soft and too happy to have a lot of hidden regrets or worries.
Maybe he was wrong.
For a moment, he just watches Reynir, feeling the little surge of sadness but still smiling just a little, then reaching out to take his hand. There's something very soft about the way he laces their fingers together, and Onni's eyes flick down to look at that, at the way their hands twine together. He feels strange about it, but he doesn't pull away, just lifts his gaze and pins Reynir with it, meeting his eyes.]
It's fine.
[A pause, and then he speaks again, his voice just a hair softer than usual despite how straightforward his question is.]
[ It isn't that Reynir has had no physical contact with anyone since arriving in this world, but it hasn't been very much. Especially coming right from Finland, where at nights he and his friends curled up together in a small tent, and during the day there were back-slaps from Sigrun and Mikkel setting his hand on his shoulder, and even Lalli poking him in the face from time to time.
He sighs, scooting a tiny amount closer to Onni, solid and warm and so comforting for it. ]
You can be lonely with people around.
[ Reynir could say more, explain that none of those people had been looking out for Onni, as far as he could tell, caring for him rather than being cared for by him. There might have been routine, and the companionship of seeing the same faces every day, but Reynir knows from experience it's not the same as having a friend, someone to confide in and rely on. After all, he'd managed to feel lonely plenty in his life, despite the small, close-knit community he grew up in.
But he doesn't poke holes in Onni's reply. He just lets those words sit between them for a space. Maybe, after a while, Onni will be able to see the difference, look back and recognize his loneliness in hindsight. ]
I guess it would be pretty hypocritical of me to say I would rather not talk about it, huh?
[ As jokes go, it's a fairly weak one, and even as he makes it, Reynir knows it's just a continuation, of that small smile, of the hiding in general. It's so much easier for him, to make light, to obfuscate with cheerfulness and humor, instead of speaking directly, plainly. Speaking the way Onni speaks.
He drops his gaze to where Onni's hand is held between his, and gives a shrug that Onni will feel rather than see. ]
I don't really like people to know it, when they've hurt my feelings, or I'm feeling angry or- not very happy with myself, or that kind of thing. I know all of that is... normal, and there's nothing wrong with it, but I guess I kind of. I feel like it's my job, to keep morale up, and stay positive and cheerful. Even when I'm not - totally feeling it.
[Onni isn't the type to even notice that he's missing human contact until it happens. It doesn't even really occur to him to think about it, but when Reynir leans in a bit closer and presses against his side, he lets out a harrumphing little sound of comfort and relaxes just a little. When Reynir says that he could be lonely even with people around, he makes another little noise in his throat, closing his eyes for just a moment.
It isn't that he didn't think he was lonely before. It's just that he can't think about being lonely right now, he can't. Because if he starts to think about that, about the emptiness in his life, he's going to start crying and never stop, and that's something he can't tolerate. But he still feels the wash of grief again, overwhelming to the point it makes his ears ring, when Reynir mentions being alone and surrounded by people at the same time.
Pushing it down takes effort, switching his attention takes effort, but he manages it, and makes a little snort of almost-laughter when Reynir says it would be hypocritical of him to say he doesn't want to talk about it. Nodding, Onni keeps quiet while Reynir works up to it, looking down at their twined hands. Without thinking, because he can feel the echoes of Reynir's sadness and his desire to hide this behind smiles, he rubs his thumb against the back of Reynir's hand where his thumb connects to his palm. What Reynir reveals isn't exactly surprising, now that Onni's given it some thought - he hides it when people hurt his feelings or when he's feeling negative because it's his job to keep morale up.
Onni makes a soft snort at that.]
Well, don't feel obligated to try to keep my morale up! There's no use in it anyway. I'd rather know what you're really thinking or feeling than have you smiling all the time. I'm used to you smiling, but if it's not real then there's no point in it.
[Lifting his head, he looks over at Reynir, his mouth pursed a little.]
I've hurt your feelings before, haven't I? You can yell at me about it now, if you want.
[ That tight, clenched feeling in his chest loosens when Onni rubs his thumb against Reynir's hand. It's such a small gesture, but it's undoubtedly a gesture of comfort. Onni supporting him, encouraging him. Showing affection in that tiny, monumental way.
Reynir sighs. ]
It's real most of the time.
[ The objection sounded a lot better in his head, before he said it out loud. He huffs a soft laugh, an edge of sadness in it, and gives a silent nod, feeling his eyes swimming, welling with sudden, hot tears. He blinks them back right away, and if it weren't for the Bond, he thinks Onni wouldn't have noticed. But connected as they are, there's no hiding how close to the nerve that hit.
Onni is saying he wants the truth of Reynir, not for Reynir to be what is easiest and most pleasant for him. It's not something that's ever been told to him, before. People wanted him to be cheerful, and helpful, and dumb, and safe, and without complications or rough edges. The Reynir they were used to. The Reynir they could rely on. ]
I'll - remember that.
[ His breath catches when Onni asks if he's hurt him before, heartbeat skipping in sudden emotion. He is halfway to saying no, to insisting that even if Onni had, it wasn't a big deal. But he thinks about what Onni had just said. Thinks back. And gives a tiny shrug. ]
[It's a little surprising to feel how the slight touch of his thumb against the side of Reynir's hand changes the feeling that comes through their Bond. It's almost instant, the way it changes - a tension he hadn't been aware of releasing, like a fist unclenching. It takes his breath away for a moment, the knowledge that such a small gesture can do so much for someone like Reynir.]
I know.
[It sounds a little defensive, and for a moment he's surprised by the feeling. After a few seconds of dwelling on it, he can't work out why it made him feel defensive, and so he lets it go.]
Like I said, I only mean for you not to smile when it isn't real. Smile all you like when you're actually feeling happy.
[He can feel it, that Reynir is close to tears, but he doesn't know why, and so he just squeezes his hand again, lightly. Runs his thumb against the back of it, eyes on Reynir's face.]
There's no point in this, in trying to get to know you if you won't let me know you.
[The moment he says it, he realizes that it's hypocritical. How can he say that when he knows that he himself is shut off from showing people his emotions, can't even let himself cry in front of Reynir. It's just that those things, those parts of him, they're dammed up so tightly because he knows that the moment he allows a single crack to form everything is going to explode out of him. He'll be a wreck, he'll start crying and never stop, he won't be able to move or hold a job or take care of himself in any meaningful way.
It's something he can't do, he can't fall apart. Who would take over caring for him? There's no one. The only person who can take care of him is himself, and it has been for years. What other way is there to be?]
I'm sorry.
[It comes out quietly, an apology both for having hurt Reynir's feelings before, and also for not being able to open up to him. But everything inside him is like a tidal wave pounding against a wall and he can't let it out or it will destroy him.]
Okay. I understand that. But can you tell me what I did, so I can avoid doing it again?
[ That hits home, more than almost any other argument could have. Onni framing it in that way changes everything. Reynir hadn't ever thought of it like that - that by putting on a false cheerful face, hiding what he's feeling, he's denying Onni the chance to know the real him. That Onni wants to get to know him, and Reynir wants that so badly, but it won't really happen if he doesn't let Onni see the messy, ugly things, too.
He nods a few times, face solemn, taking it to heart. He should do better. For Onni's sake. Even if it goes against everything he's taught himself, and been taught, directly or indirectly, by others. ]
You don't need to apologize, Onni! It's - that's not why I brought it up. And no, I can't tell you. Not won't, can't. When that sort of thing happens, I - kind of make myself just forget it, deliberately. As much as possible. And you've never done anything remotely hurtful enough for that to be even a little hard. It's just - little things. Stupid things I should be less sensitive about. Next time it happens... I'll tell you, right away. I promise.
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no subject
He hadn't really thought of himself as someone who hid a lot, but he's finding, even after such a short amount of time connected to Onni, that that might have been naive. ]
Welllll, I mean, technically, you said they could look worse. That's not the same as saying they're not-ugly!
[ Reynir is smiling as he says it, and it's audible in his voice even if Onni can't see his face from this angle. Onni doens't think his horns are ugly. He thinks they suit him. Why does that make him so happy? ]
We should - talk more. Set up some ground rules. Like... if I notice you're feeling something, and I ask you about it, and you really, really don't want to talk about it, you've got a- a password, and I have to drop it, no questions asked. Or... some kind of rule about if we end up seeing each other's memories and that.
no subject
Onni suspects that this is going to be a line of thought he's going to be following a lot while he's bonded to Reynir.
For now, he lets it go, to be mulled over later, though there's a chance, he suspects, that Reynir might have felt some of that confusion and the letting go. The next topic that Reynir brings up is something easier to wrap his head around - setting ground rules and ensuring they have some form of boundary despite this situation. Nodding a little, he makes a considering 'hm' in his throat.]
That makes sense. I'd like to be able to say that I can't talk about something. I...
[A pause, and he feels, for a moment, a deep sense of shame about the depth of emotion inside him that he tries to keep hidden inside himself. But there's no point in avoiding it. All of it will be obvious to Reynir one way or another, so it's best to have something in place.]
There are some things that I feel or think about or remember that are very intense. I'm sure you'll notice them. But those things...some of them I just can't talk about. Not now. Maybe not ever.
[A deep breath, and he's glad that Reynir's head is on his shoulder so the younger man can't see his face, can't risk eye contact.]
It would be good to have a way to tell you which things those are.
no subject
Reynir knows, too, that what he is getting is nowhere near as intense as what Onni himself must be feeling, that it is filtered and diluted through the Bond. He lets that discomfort push at him, staying quiet and still and waiting for Onni to keep talking. ]
That's okay. You don't have to. Even if it's not ever.
[ In his mind, when he'd brought this up, he'd planning to crack a joke, lightheartedly tell Onni he wasn't giving him a get-out-of-jail-free card for any troublesome conversation. But he knows now, just from the embarrassed self-disgust Onni feels even broaching the subject, that he won't misuse their arrangement in that way.
So he abandons the idea of the joke and instead turns his mind to solutions. The trick is thinking of a word that will be memorable and distinctive, but not in itself be too upsetting or give that many connotations of emotion or fragility. That way, Onni might not feel quite so ashamed to actually take the out.
After a moment's quiet pondering, Reynir suggests: ]
How about... false asphodel? It's um, it's a kind of plant that grows in Iceland, and it's poisonous. Humans just know not to touch it, but sheep will graze on it without realizing, and it burns their mouths and they spit it out right away. It's something that... it looks harmless, but it's just - better not to touch it.
no subject
It's a relief, and a moment later he registers that probably part of it is because Reynir had seen his past in that memory of Lalli's and that he'd been there when Tuuri had died. That he probably knows where those feelings and thoughts come from, probably knows what memories Onni is visiting when he feels them. For a moment, he misses Tuuri, even in her soft barely tangible bird form, and almost immediately after feeling that, he tries to tamp it down. But the emotion is too big to completely hide, and it leaks through, tinging all his thoughts with sadness.
When Reynir starts talking again, about what word they might use to communicate that something is too much to talk about, it becomes a bit easier to move past the lonely sadness that thinking about Tuuri brings up in him. The mention of a specific plant's name and the reason why it symbolizes what meaning they're interested in attributing to it makes sense, but Onni isn't entirely sure about the usage of it. Making a little hum in his throat, Onni shakes his head.]
So I would just say that to you, is that what you mean? Just the words 'false asphodel' like that? Or would I refer to the emotion or whatever as false asphodel?
no subject
Well, I was thinking, more like... if I'm asking you, 'Hey, Onni, what's up with you feeling super sad right now?' and you say you don't want to get into it, and I say something like, 'Hey I'm your friend and you should open up to me' you can say 'We're done with this, I'm calling false asphodel' or 'you're getting into false asphodel territory' or whatever, and that way I'll know to drop it.
[ Reynir lifts his head, finally, scooting to sit sideways on the couch so he can look at Onni. His knees press against the side of Onni's thigh, and his expression is earnest and stubborn. ]
I... want you to talk to me about stuff. When things are hard. And I - don't want you to underestimate me. You aren't gonna scare me off or hurt me, even if what you need to say is awful. But all of that - it's got limits. I know that. So this way, when it's really important. I'll know.
[ Reynir brightens with a thought, adds: ]
And I can use it, too. 'Cause, y'know. I've- got stuff I don't want to talk about sometimes. It goes both ways.
no subject
Part of him starts to worry, too, about how much of him Reynir is going to be seeing, becoming almost awkwardly aware of every emotion that passes through him and how it might be perceived. Particularly because Reynir's transient emotional spikes all seem to match what he's showing on the outside, and to be overwhelmingly positive - happiness and pride and relief - while Onni knows that his own are the opposite, hidden and negative. It's baffling, how Reynir can be like that when they come from the same world, and thinks in a resigned sort of way, that it must be because he was raised in safety in Iceland, with a good family.]
I don't know that talking about these things will be helpful. There isn't anything I can do about most of them, talking about it will just make me dwell on it and feel helpless.
[He doesn't look at Reynir, even as the younger man sits sideways on the couch and he feels that momentary drop in emotional temperature before Reynir's knees press against his thigh. That last comment earns him a snort, though.]
I find that hard to believe. I can't imagine you hiding anything.
no subject
[ Reynir trails off, feeling a little silly. Onni will probably discount what he's saying, as softness, or nonsense, or both. And maybe it is. There are better examples, ones that had actually made a difference in his life. Maybe he should have used one of them. Talked about how it helped, in his relationships with his siblings, to actually sit down and just... talk about their origins and his. ]
I mean, you and Lalli, you do your magic using poetry, right? For your gods, and to the moon or whatever? So you know words can be powerful. And- and there's something to be said for... having someone understand what you're feeling, and why you're feeling it. It... makes everything a little less lonely.
[ When Onni says he can't imagine Reynir hiding anything, Reynir smiles, not very wide. Remembers, with nauseating clarity, lying to Onni when Tuuri had been bitten. Remembers other times, too. Now and then, when Onni had done something or said something small, that hurt his feelings, and he'd tucked the feeling away, without showing it. The smile doesn't waver, but Onni isn't likely to miss the sudden flash of sadness. ]
I don't hide much. But that's not the same as nothing.
[ Reynir reaches out, tentative, reaching for Onni's hand. He laces their hands together, tucks Onni's hand between both of his. ]
Is this okay? Someone warned me... told me it's good for Bonded people to - have contact when they can. For the flow of the magic, or whatever.
[ Yes, that's definitely the reason. It isn't just that he wanted to hold Onni's hand... ]
no subject
It isn't what he's accustomed to, but he finds himself willing to listen to Reynir talk about it. Whether that's because of the new shared pulse of emotion between them or because he's softening toward Reynir a little, he isn't sure. His points about knowing that words can be powerful because of his work as a mage make sense, and Onni finds himself making a soft 'mhm' of acknowledgement. But...the part about being lonely...]
I've never been lonely. There have always been people around, at least until Tuuri and Lalli left. Even then, there were the other mages.
[And of course, he knows that's probably not what Reynir meant. He can feel that much, from the emotion radiating through their bond, which is still a strange thing to think of. But he doesn't know how to express what's going on in his mind, and can't approach the feeling inside of him that feels empty and alone. It's too close to his grief over Tuuri, the grief that keeps hitting him harder and harder now that he's separated even from her soul in that soft, bright bird form.
A moment later, he feels a flash of sadness from Reynir, and he blinks, looking over at him, blinking a little. He isn't sure why that sadness took him so much by surprise, wonders for a moment if it isn't because he's always thought of Reynir as someone who's happy most of the time, or at least optimistic and upbeat. Of course, he's seen him upset, afraid, even in pain, but still he registers in Onni's mind as someone too soft and too happy to have a lot of hidden regrets or worries.
Maybe he was wrong.
For a moment, he just watches Reynir, feeling the little surge of sadness but still smiling just a little, then reaching out to take his hand. There's something very soft about the way he laces their fingers together, and Onni's eyes flick down to look at that, at the way their hands twine together. He feels strange about it, but he doesn't pull away, just lifts his gaze and pins Reynir with it, meeting his eyes.]
It's fine.
[A pause, and then he speaks again, his voice just a hair softer than usual despite how straightforward his question is.]
What do you hide?
no subject
He sighs, scooting a tiny amount closer to Onni, solid and warm and so comforting for it. ]
You can be lonely with people around.
[ Reynir could say more, explain that none of those people had been looking out for Onni, as far as he could tell, caring for him rather than being cared for by him. There might have been routine, and the companionship of seeing the same faces every day, but Reynir knows from experience it's not the same as having a friend, someone to confide in and rely on. After all, he'd managed to feel lonely plenty in his life, despite the small, close-knit community he grew up in.
But he doesn't poke holes in Onni's reply. He just lets those words sit between them for a space. Maybe, after a while, Onni will be able to see the difference, look back and recognize his loneliness in hindsight. ]
I guess it would be pretty hypocritical of me to say I would rather not talk about it, huh?
[ As jokes go, it's a fairly weak one, and even as he makes it, Reynir knows it's just a continuation, of that small smile, of the hiding in general. It's so much easier for him, to make light, to obfuscate with cheerfulness and humor, instead of speaking directly, plainly. Speaking the way Onni speaks.
He drops his gaze to where Onni's hand is held between his, and gives a shrug that Onni will feel rather than see. ]
I don't really like people to know it, when they've hurt my feelings, or I'm feeling angry or- not very happy with myself, or that kind of thing. I know all of that is... normal, and there's nothing wrong with it, but I guess I kind of. I feel like it's my job, to keep morale up, and stay positive and cheerful. Even when I'm not - totally feeling it.
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It isn't that he didn't think he was lonely before. It's just that he can't think about being lonely right now, he can't. Because if he starts to think about that, about the emptiness in his life, he's going to start crying and never stop, and that's something he can't tolerate. But he still feels the wash of grief again, overwhelming to the point it makes his ears ring, when Reynir mentions being alone and surrounded by people at the same time.
Pushing it down takes effort, switching his attention takes effort, but he manages it, and makes a little snort of almost-laughter when Reynir says it would be hypocritical of him to say he doesn't want to talk about it. Nodding, Onni keeps quiet while Reynir works up to it, looking down at their twined hands. Without thinking, because he can feel the echoes of Reynir's sadness and his desire to hide this behind smiles, he rubs his thumb against the back of Reynir's hand where his thumb connects to his palm. What Reynir reveals isn't exactly surprising, now that Onni's given it some thought - he hides it when people hurt his feelings or when he's feeling negative because it's his job to keep morale up.
Onni makes a soft snort at that.]
Well, don't feel obligated to try to keep my morale up! There's no use in it anyway. I'd rather know what you're really thinking or feeling than have you smiling all the time. I'm used to you smiling, but if it's not real then there's no point in it.
[Lifting his head, he looks over at Reynir, his mouth pursed a little.]
I've hurt your feelings before, haven't I? You can yell at me about it now, if you want.
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Reynir sighs. ]
It's real most of the time.
[ The objection sounded a lot better in his head, before he said it out loud. He huffs a soft laugh, an edge of sadness in it, and gives a silent nod, feeling his eyes swimming, welling with sudden, hot tears. He blinks them back right away, and if it weren't for the Bond, he thinks Onni wouldn't have noticed. But connected as they are, there's no hiding how close to the nerve that hit.
Onni is saying he wants the truth of Reynir, not for Reynir to be what is easiest and most pleasant for him. It's not something that's ever been told to him, before. People wanted him to be cheerful, and helpful, and dumb, and safe, and without complications or rough edges. The Reynir they were used to. The Reynir they could rely on. ]
I'll - remember that.
[ His breath catches when Onni asks if he's hurt him before, heartbeat skipping in sudden emotion. He is halfway to saying no, to insisting that even if Onni had, it wasn't a big deal. But he thinks about what Onni had just said. Thinks back. And gives a tiny shrug. ]
Not - well, I mean. A few times, I guess.
[ He exhales shakily, and adds: ]
I don't want to yell at you, Onni. I'm not angry.
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I know.
[It sounds a little defensive, and for a moment he's surprised by the feeling. After a few seconds of dwelling on it, he can't work out why it made him feel defensive, and so he lets it go.]
Like I said, I only mean for you not to smile when it isn't real. Smile all you like when you're actually feeling happy.
[He can feel it, that Reynir is close to tears, but he doesn't know why, and so he just squeezes his hand again, lightly. Runs his thumb against the back of it, eyes on Reynir's face.]
There's no point in this, in trying to get to know you if you won't let me know you.
[The moment he says it, he realizes that it's hypocritical. How can he say that when he knows that he himself is shut off from showing people his emotions, can't even let himself cry in front of Reynir. It's just that those things, those parts of him, they're dammed up so tightly because he knows that the moment he allows a single crack to form everything is going to explode out of him. He'll be a wreck, he'll start crying and never stop, he won't be able to move or hold a job or take care of himself in any meaningful way.
It's something he can't do, he can't fall apart. Who would take over caring for him? There's no one. The only person who can take care of him is himself, and it has been for years. What other way is there to be?]
I'm sorry.
[It comes out quietly, an apology both for having hurt Reynir's feelings before, and also for not being able to open up to him. But everything inside him is like a tidal wave pounding against a wall and he can't let it out or it will destroy him.]
Okay. I understand that. But can you tell me what I did, so I can avoid doing it again?
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He nods a few times, face solemn, taking it to heart. He should do better. For Onni's sake. Even if it goes against everything he's taught himself, and been taught, directly or indirectly, by others. ]
You don't need to apologize, Onni! It's - that's not why I brought it up. And no, I can't tell you. Not won't, can't. When that sort of thing happens, I - kind of make myself just forget it, deliberately. As much as possible. And you've never done anything remotely hurtful enough for that to be even a little hard. It's just - little things. Stupid things I should be less sensitive about. Next time it happens... I'll tell you, right away. I promise.