[ That tight, clenched feeling in his chest loosens when Onni rubs his thumb against Reynir's hand. It's such a small gesture, but it's undoubtedly a gesture of comfort. Onni supporting him, encouraging him. Showing affection in that tiny, monumental way.
Reynir sighs. ]
It's real most of the time.
[ The objection sounded a lot better in his head, before he said it out loud. He huffs a soft laugh, an edge of sadness in it, and gives a silent nod, feeling his eyes swimming, welling with sudden, hot tears. He blinks them back right away, and if it weren't for the Bond, he thinks Onni wouldn't have noticed. But connected as they are, there's no hiding how close to the nerve that hit.
Onni is saying he wants the truth of Reynir, not for Reynir to be what is easiest and most pleasant for him. It's not something that's ever been told to him, before. People wanted him to be cheerful, and helpful, and dumb, and safe, and without complications or rough edges. The Reynir they were used to. The Reynir they could rely on. ]
I'll - remember that.
[ His breath catches when Onni asks if he's hurt him before, heartbeat skipping in sudden emotion. He is halfway to saying no, to insisting that even if Onni had, it wasn't a big deal. But he thinks about what Onni had just said. Thinks back. And gives a tiny shrug. ]
[It's a little surprising to feel how the slight touch of his thumb against the side of Reynir's hand changes the feeling that comes through their Bond. It's almost instant, the way it changes - a tension he hadn't been aware of releasing, like a fist unclenching. It takes his breath away for a moment, the knowledge that such a small gesture can do so much for someone like Reynir.]
I know.
[It sounds a little defensive, and for a moment he's surprised by the feeling. After a few seconds of dwelling on it, he can't work out why it made him feel defensive, and so he lets it go.]
Like I said, I only mean for you not to smile when it isn't real. Smile all you like when you're actually feeling happy.
[He can feel it, that Reynir is close to tears, but he doesn't know why, and so he just squeezes his hand again, lightly. Runs his thumb against the back of it, eyes on Reynir's face.]
There's no point in this, in trying to get to know you if you won't let me know you.
[The moment he says it, he realizes that it's hypocritical. How can he say that when he knows that he himself is shut off from showing people his emotions, can't even let himself cry in front of Reynir. It's just that those things, those parts of him, they're dammed up so tightly because he knows that the moment he allows a single crack to form everything is going to explode out of him. He'll be a wreck, he'll start crying and never stop, he won't be able to move or hold a job or take care of himself in any meaningful way.
It's something he can't do, he can't fall apart. Who would take over caring for him? There's no one. The only person who can take care of him is himself, and it has been for years. What other way is there to be?]
I'm sorry.
[It comes out quietly, an apology both for having hurt Reynir's feelings before, and also for not being able to open up to him. But everything inside him is like a tidal wave pounding against a wall and he can't let it out or it will destroy him.]
Okay. I understand that. But can you tell me what I did, so I can avoid doing it again?
[ That hits home, more than almost any other argument could have. Onni framing it in that way changes everything. Reynir hadn't ever thought of it like that - that by putting on a false cheerful face, hiding what he's feeling, he's denying Onni the chance to know the real him. That Onni wants to get to know him, and Reynir wants that so badly, but it won't really happen if he doesn't let Onni see the messy, ugly things, too.
He nods a few times, face solemn, taking it to heart. He should do better. For Onni's sake. Even if it goes against everything he's taught himself, and been taught, directly or indirectly, by others. ]
You don't need to apologize, Onni! It's - that's not why I brought it up. And no, I can't tell you. Not won't, can't. When that sort of thing happens, I - kind of make myself just forget it, deliberately. As much as possible. And you've never done anything remotely hurtful enough for that to be even a little hard. It's just - little things. Stupid things I should be less sensitive about. Next time it happens... I'll tell you, right away. I promise.
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Reynir sighs. ]
It's real most of the time.
[ The objection sounded a lot better in his head, before he said it out loud. He huffs a soft laugh, an edge of sadness in it, and gives a silent nod, feeling his eyes swimming, welling with sudden, hot tears. He blinks them back right away, and if it weren't for the Bond, he thinks Onni wouldn't have noticed. But connected as they are, there's no hiding how close to the nerve that hit.
Onni is saying he wants the truth of Reynir, not for Reynir to be what is easiest and most pleasant for him. It's not something that's ever been told to him, before. People wanted him to be cheerful, and helpful, and dumb, and safe, and without complications or rough edges. The Reynir they were used to. The Reynir they could rely on. ]
I'll - remember that.
[ His breath catches when Onni asks if he's hurt him before, heartbeat skipping in sudden emotion. He is halfway to saying no, to insisting that even if Onni had, it wasn't a big deal. But he thinks about what Onni had just said. Thinks back. And gives a tiny shrug. ]
Not - well, I mean. A few times, I guess.
[ He exhales shakily, and adds: ]
I don't want to yell at you, Onni. I'm not angry.
no subject
I know.
[It sounds a little defensive, and for a moment he's surprised by the feeling. After a few seconds of dwelling on it, he can't work out why it made him feel defensive, and so he lets it go.]
Like I said, I only mean for you not to smile when it isn't real. Smile all you like when you're actually feeling happy.
[He can feel it, that Reynir is close to tears, but he doesn't know why, and so he just squeezes his hand again, lightly. Runs his thumb against the back of it, eyes on Reynir's face.]
There's no point in this, in trying to get to know you if you won't let me know you.
[The moment he says it, he realizes that it's hypocritical. How can he say that when he knows that he himself is shut off from showing people his emotions, can't even let himself cry in front of Reynir. It's just that those things, those parts of him, they're dammed up so tightly because he knows that the moment he allows a single crack to form everything is going to explode out of him. He'll be a wreck, he'll start crying and never stop, he won't be able to move or hold a job or take care of himself in any meaningful way.
It's something he can't do, he can't fall apart. Who would take over caring for him? There's no one. The only person who can take care of him is himself, and it has been for years. What other way is there to be?]
I'm sorry.
[It comes out quietly, an apology both for having hurt Reynir's feelings before, and also for not being able to open up to him. But everything inside him is like a tidal wave pounding against a wall and he can't let it out or it will destroy him.]
Okay. I understand that. But can you tell me what I did, so I can avoid doing it again?
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He nods a few times, face solemn, taking it to heart. He should do better. For Onni's sake. Even if it goes against everything he's taught himself, and been taught, directly or indirectly, by others. ]
You don't need to apologize, Onni! It's - that's not why I brought it up. And no, I can't tell you. Not won't, can't. When that sort of thing happens, I - kind of make myself just forget it, deliberately. As much as possible. And you've never done anything remotely hurtful enough for that to be even a little hard. It's just - little things. Stupid things I should be less sensitive about. Next time it happens... I'll tell you, right away. I promise.