middaeg | [semi-open] Lay me down let the only sound be the overflow

Entry tags:

[semi-open] Lay me down let the only sound be the overflow

Who: Lan Xichen, cultivators, and friends!
When: Around mid-month
Where: Lakeside out beyond the Wall (near the forge)
What: swimming, sitting, sighing, and shedding
Warnings: F is for friends who do stuff together.

Everyone probably has their own reasons for being at the lake. For Lan Xichen, working in the forge tends to lead to overheating (especially when he's been fighting off certain stress levels) and the nearby water provides a good way to politely cool off. Maybe you met him on his way and decided to join in or maybe you were already there. After several days this becomes a regular pattern of work followed by an afternoon soak, so it's possibly just a nice diversion when things are a bit too much to handle.

Whether it is swimming, meditating, having a snack, or just enjoying the fresh air along the bank, there are plenty of ways to share time with friends. The only possible warning will come from Lan Xichen himself if it looks like an argument is brewing--he will intervene. He came explicitly for some quiet time, so if anyone starts a fight, they'll probably have a half-naked Lan there to break them up. Maybe that's your thing.

[ooc: This log is a free for all for swimming and lake side games. All our friends are invited to tag in and tag each other. Basically, make up whatever you would like as a starter and cut in wherever if people agree! Non-cultivator friends and 4th wallers also welcome. If you need a specific prompt added, poke me at

teaandreveries.]

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[He brings a hand down to pat the flat surface of the stone beside him in invitation, not particularly annoyed at having his meditation interrupted. He hadn't been deep into it, despite the stillness; it was more an exercise to try and get a handle on his sharpened senses. Huaisang has kept up his end of their bargain, studying magic quite diligently (for him), and Mingjue is holding up his - learning to accept his changes and control his instincts.

"If you will allow that". Mingjue snorts. It isn't a derisive sound, at least.]

You can always speak to me, Xichen. [He had made him promise, not too long ago, that he would still confide in Nie Mingjue. It isn't fair to deny him the opportunity if there is something he wants to discuss.] Come sit. What weighs on your mind?

[If he's surprised by the snort that Nie Mingjue gives his words, Lan Xichen only smiles slightly wider, accepting it. Nie Mingjue is a class unto himself and always has been--making other cultivators quake with his presence and refusing to compromise for anyone. Except his brother, but even then he takes so much effort not to show it. Lan Xichen kneels next to his friend, spreading his robes out so that they aren't wrinkled beneath him on the stone.]

Thank you. I always appreciate your acceptance, Mingjue-xiong. It is something that I have grown dependent on, perhaps unfairly so. I feel I have many things I should say, and many questions I wish to ask, but since our arrival here, I have been neglecting them.

[Not just neglecting. Avoiding. He knows it and Nie Mingjue knows it, he's sure, but the man has been surprisingly patient as well.]

And I would like to allow you more of a chance to ask any questions you still hold. You asked me before about Jin Guangyao because you didn't trust his words and I am afraid what I gave you was improper. I think I have... fallen back, somewhat.

[Less effort, these days. He has been... indulgent, this month, with the arrival of his younger brother. It is sweetly nostalgic, and sets him at ease, even though certain others have done what they could to destroy that ease. Namely slithering up to his home, seeking out his didi with murderous intent. They sorted that out, he thinks - Jin Guangyao has been warned that harming Huaisang will be his death, and Mingjue only feels a twinge of guilt for what that might do to Lan Xichen if it ever comes to pass.

If.

The thought of Xichen being the one dependant on him for anything, however, is almost absurd, when he has had more time here, more connections, an easier nature. He doesn't say anything about it, though. No doubt there are topics that have been neglected, and he hums out a noise of agreement.] I will always answer what questions I can, and listen to what you have to say. [In the past 'listening' hasn't been his strong suit, but... he's trying, to recognize his mistakes and repent for them.

He looks sideways at him, brow furrowing.] What was improper? Has something happened? [Didn't Wangji tell him just earlier, that he is worried for his brother? Maybe it has something to do with that.]

[That Nie Mingjue says he'll listen at all is a welcome balm on Lan Xichen's worries. It's true that in the past no one would even think of questioning the fierce Chifeng-zun, and really, there had not been so much of a need for it anyway. But maybe that has always been a weakness for them all--not questioning, just following--and who is to say that Chifeng-zun himself has never been in a position where all he had was questions and no answers? The memory of the man's tear-filled face says that it can't be that simple. Leaving him to that falls on Lan Xichen, even if he has his brother back now and things are looking improved.]

I think I have not been making the best decisions lately. I... should have remained in seclusion, perhaps. Instead of trying to repair things I do not understand. It isn't my place to touch them. But I have no choice while I am here.

Has seclusion ever solved anything? [He asks, perhaps with a hint of disdain for the tradition. It isn't really the Nie way. They tend to be action-focused and forward, preferring to take steps to resolve a situation rather than simply meditate on it. Maybe that's why they tend to have such short lifespans, though.]

What exactly do you think requires repairing? [There are a few things he can think of that might be the answer. His and Jin Guangyao's resentment toward each other. Jin Guangyao's blackened morals and lashing out.] Has Jin Guangyao tried to involve you in our quarrels? [Quarrels isn't strong enough a word for this kind of hatred, but it won't solve anything to mention that again.] You do have a choice. It is true that I was... angry, when I thought you had taken his side, but if you wish to remain neutral, that I can accept. [Maybe not understand, but accept.]

What lies between he and I can only be solved by our own hands. It will require Jin Guangyao and I both making the effort, and right now, I do not wish to.

I think it is not inappropriate for one who is unfit to perform his duties.

[He hears that disdain, but Lan Xichen doesn't respond with offense. It's normal that Nie Mingjue would see his withdrawal as a kind of shame, but what is that compared to the shame he already bears?]

If I am unable to do what is necessary, then taking time to reflect and heal is better than showing the world my inadequacy. But it doesn't matter. I have to make do here. I am only sorry that it means you must tolerate my stumbling when it occurs. I am still finding strength.

[And there is that shift to Jin Guangyao, setting a firm line and suspecting already that Lan Xichen is trying to win him over. It is something that before he would have been hurt by.]

Jin Guangyao did not ask me to do anything on his behalf, Mingjue-xiong. And I do not wish to remain neutral in my brothers' pains. Even if they hate each other, it is not something I can withdraw from. Nor do I believe I can repair those injuries.

What exactly do you feel is your inadequacy here? [That he can't mend his sworn brothers' relationship? It's too long broken. No one can mend it but them.] You can step back without secluding yourself away from the world. No one would hold that against you. [It bothers him, the thought that Lan Xichen needs time to heal. He has been through a lot as well, but will he ever get that time? He doesn't think so, not while he's bonded to the snake.]

It would be better if you did. [Because the only other option Mingjue's black and white righteousness can see here is choosing a side, choosing a brother. The one left to fend for himself will be hurt and angry and potentially dangerous.

He exhales, trying to find that peace again within himself. Listen. He promised to listen.] What is this really about?

[Lan Xichen almost laughs at the frustration that Nie Mingjue seems to have with him. He isn't trying to be difficult, but even by his answers the Lan sect leader can tell that he's only confusing his friend. In reality, he's also struggling to find the right words and the right way to live, but trying to convey his feelings to the other man is only making Nie Mingjue more disgruntled.]

This is what it is about. Mingjue, before I came here, I could barely think about going outside. Trying to perform basic tasks, reviewing reports, giving announcements... nothing would make sense. I don't know what day it was when I left. I still don't remember. I think... I must have had to speak to some of our juniors about lessons, but that might have been the day prior. Or a week.

[He shakes his head.] All I remember anymore is your body and his. What happened when all was revealed was... shocking. Just hearing it spoken aloud. But even that was not as bad as losing my brothers a second time.

[Did Huaisang feel better because there was revenge? Because, in the end, Nie Mingjue's body had still been buried with a curse to rot and be forgotten. There was no honorable funeral like the first time. Everyone shunned the spot and made up their own stories about how it all came to be. And the two other zuns were fated to be kept from the cycle of rebirth, cursed things that were just monsters that cultivators hunted.]

I could only dream of how terrible it was. I am here now because that is not an ending I am content with. This is not the ending I want either. To be neutral is to say that I am unwilling to stand beside my brothers when they suffer. That is not true. I wish I support them.

Will you allow me a question, Jue-xiong?

[The more Xichen's words come out, the heavier he feels the weight on his shoulders. The stronger the guilt is, like a stone in his gut, heavy and burdensome. He had no control over what happened at the end, he knows this. He was a fierce corpse, in pieces, for a long time, and as a dead thing, there was nothing of him left. If only there had been, just a little, to end it before Xichen could get pulled in, before Huaisang could use him as his sword hand.

They have all been dragged to hell by this weight.

His exhale is heavy, solemn.] Xichen... [His voice is quiet, as he reaches over to briefly lay a big hand on his arm, near his elbow, still warm despite recently being in the water.] It must be difficult. [He acknowledges, closing his eyes.] I am sorry I have not made things easy for you since arriving here. [As with everything he says, he means that. There are some things he can't compromise, some things he will not overlook, but he does regret the way they weigh on his friend.]

Of course. You can ask me anything. I owe you that and more. [Even if he knows that some of his answers for questions Xichen may ask are not necessarily what he would want to hear, he owes this man his honesty, if nothing else.]

Nothing is difficult for me anymore.

[He smiles at that touch. It's something he would not have had at home. He shouldn't have it now, but he enjoys it nonetheless.]

It was never that difficult for me, was it? All those years and all the suffering, but I was spared. In truth, I have no right to be allowed out into this world. But if I ever were to return to our own, I would become a burden again. At least here I am nothing more than anyone else. And I get to see you both again. Alive, by whatever power blesses this place.

[Or maybe he's finally lost touch with all reality. There's always that possibility. But either way, Lan Xichen doesn't want to waste the opportunity he has.]

You don't owe me anything. I just want to ask. Are you happy?

I don't think that's true. [If nothing was difficult for him, would they be having this conversation? He squeezes Xichen's forearm gently.]

You weren't spared, though, were you? You went into seclusion. [He just said that he didn't know what day it was, couldn't think of anything but his and Jin Guangyao's bodies locked in a tomb together, to fight it out eternally. To rot in their own resentment. As much as it hurt Nie Mingjue, he has to admit that it hurt Lan Xichen too.] If you wish to stay, then you should stay. [How can he tell him otherwise? Nie Mingjue has no plans to return, if given the choice, since there is no life left for him on the other side of the mirror.] But don't pretend that having us here has not been difficult, as well as a blessing. [He doesn't think Jin Guangyao's presence is a blessing, more like a curse, but that seems too tactless to say even for him right now.

The question gives him pause, and he looks out over the still surface of the lake, the crickets singing in his ears and the breeze rustling the trees. Is he happy? Huaisang makes him happy, falling back into nicer days with his younger brother, but... some dark part of him thinks that may not be such a permanent thing. Will he be happy without him?] ...I don't know. I think... [His brow furrows in thought.] Maybe some day I could be.

A question for a question. Are you?

Mingjue, being in seclusion is hardly suffering. It's simply better so that I cause less trouble for everyone else. It's not as though I'm being punished.

[It's funny to hear Nie Mingjue use that as his argument when just a minute ago he seemed to think just mentioning it was something disgraceful or lazy. Well, it was, wasn't it? Compared to any of the others, Lan Xichen has barely done anything. Only become a disgrace, like his father, who could also do nothing that he should have or wanted to do.]

You're right. It's difficult to live.

[If you live near those you hate, then conflicts are inevitable. He can't say everything has been easy for them just because everyone happened to be granted a boon of life.]

That is why I am here. I no longer wish to remain apart, spared from any difficulties that you may have. I wish to be where I should have been.

[Maybe not helping them, as he originally though he could, but at least sharing some of the pain with them.]

I want you to be happy. If it is possible, then I would like to see it one day.

[The return question makes him hesitate. Everything has really been going so well for him, it's completely shameful. His brother finally reunited and close to Wei Wuxian, getting to see his sworn brothers again--these are things he doesn't deserve. And he loves them.]

I am happier than I have a right to be. Sometimes I fear my own happiness and what it means for those who are important to me. Wangji worries. You are restless in your new life. Sometimes the bond I share, I believe, causes Jin Guangyao pain of his own, being tied to me. If I am happy, it would be at everyone else's expense.

You would not have gone into seclusion if you were not suffering. [He points out obstinately. Sure, he doesn't agree with the method, but it doesn't come about because you're having a grand old time in your life. No one says 'yes, I am content' and shuts himself away.] Our lives have not been easy, there or here. [This is a simple truth, even if it feels like weakness to admit, like saying it bares all of the struggles he kept inside because he needed to be strong. As impenetrable as the Unclean Realm itself.

It is still strange, to think he does not have to be that leader here. He only has one precious person to defend and be strong for. Maybe two, if he thought Xichen would let him.]

I have felt happiness. [He admits quietly, wanting to give Lan Xichen that.] I have gotten to repent for some of the mistakes I made, say the things I should have said before. If that is all I get, I can be content. I want to clear my conscience with you as well, eventually. [A soft exhale.]

Does that Bond cause you pain as well? [His lips tighten around the words he wants to say next, that Jin Guangyao deserves whatever pain he gets, because he is the one who asked for it, who imposed himself on Xichen. He still disapproves.] Your happiness is no less important than anyone else's. Wangji only worries because he wants you to be happy and free of pain.

I only did what was better for them. It wouldn't matter if I were suffering or not.

[Shame is always to be locked away. Even if he hadn't been upset himself, he was still a shame on his family. Incompetent and compromised. If he found a way to stop grieving his two brothers, he still couldn't show his face so easily, could he? Would he be welcomed back?

Or maybe he didn't want to be welcomed by anyone. That is something Lan Xichen considers saying, but he changes his mind.]

I suppose sometimes it goes feel hopeless. But as long as we get to speak like this, I have no more complaints.

[He rests his free hand on the one holding his arm, giving him support and grounding. He's there, strong and brusque and sometimes a bit too much for anyone to handle. Nie Mingjue is certainly alive and whole.]

Please don't feel any obligation to me. I have already failed you enough.

[Nie Mingjue is so hot-blooded. Even when he is soft and gentle like this, Lan Xichen can't help but notice the warmth coming off him (or is it because he is warm compared to Jin Guangyao?) and the force behind his grip. He could break his arm if he really tried, but he's only firm.]

Mm. Sometimes it hurts. I feel his pain, and it is more than I expected. But I do not regret it.

[He looks up to catch the older man's eyes.]

Worse is the pain of feeling you are alone. When I first came here, that was all I felt.

A good man leaving the world behind is not better for anyone. [He says, voice resolute, hard with that characteristic certainty of what is right. There are days he isn't so sure anymore, about right and wrong, black and white, but he feels this one in his heart.] You can have complaints. I've told you before, you do not need to fear losing face with me. Fate is not fair. I don't think it knows right or wrong. [If he can be here for Lan Xichen, make up even a little for the pain he has caused and no doubt will still cause, then maybe he can redeem himself further.]

Do you think it is truly an obligation? I care about you, Xichen. [That hasn't changed. Throughout everything, Lan Xichen has probably been his closest friend, the person he could trust above all else. He hasn't forgotten those years, the things his friend has done for him. Mingjue cannot simply throw away that loyalty.] You give and you give. You deserve to receive as well.

[He has to consciously loosen his grip, hand going lax. He hates it, to hear that that snake is bringing him pain. Mingjue's mouth twists unhappily, but he meets Xichen's eyes without fear. Yes, he does know the pain of being alone. He has felt it often in his life.] So you feel less alone with him? [His voice is tight; he can't help it, the little twist of something ugly in his heart that Jin Guangyao brings out so well still.]

Mm.

[A good man? Well, maybe a good man doing good, but what of a moderate man doing nothing but fumbling? That one can't be missed too much. Still, Lan Xichen is glad to hear Nie Mingjue call him a good man. He has more hope that he has managed to keep his good name if his friend still believes in him.]

I care about you as well, Mingjue. It feels good to see you like this. Sitting by your side, talking this way, it is a relief. I have missed it a great deal.

[Not as much, of course, as Huaisang has missed his family, but he still missed him. Nie Mingjue was a foundation of his life. A strong friend and rock which Lan Xichen had not thought he would lose so early. When he had, it had been perhaps expected on some level, but devastating nonetheless. And final. He hadn't obsessed and tried to change fate like the younger Nie had, but that was because of how helpless he had truly felt toward the loss. Being able to have any sort of connection is still more than he had before, and Lan Xichen is not so greedy yet as to pursue more. But the possibility hangs around him anyway, tempting him to dare for it.]

I only give because I wish to. I don't do it because I expect to receive anything.

[Although he is a little disappointed when the hand loosens its grip on his arm, like Nie Mingjue is pulling away.]

I like knowing he is there. But it made me realize how little I still understand of him or you. How much I still have yet to see, and I don't share a bond with you. So I wanted to have your company at least. That also... I feel less alone when I hear a familiar voice.

[Lan Xichen is too down on himself. He doesn't like to see it, but he only fixes him with a look that speaks volumes, his rounded, lightly-fuzzed new ears flattening against his conscious thought. If he has to, he'll say it again and again until the other man believes him. Believes in himself.

He feels a brief flush of shame and has to look away, though, when Xichen says he has missed this.] I apologize. I... needed time. [To come to terms with everything, to start to settle himself before he could allow someone else to try to settle him. He needed to prove to himself that he could find his footing, just the same as when he was young, first starting with practice sabers in the courtyard. No one helped him up when he was knocked down; he had to learn. While he still wouldn't call himself settled, he is much closer to that feeling. Not even Xichen could have given him that. It took his brother, his brother's forgiveness and love even with years between them, to ease his biggest regrets.] I will try not to be so distant. You will not have to miss this again.

[His ears flick.] Someone who gives with no expectation of return is the one who deserves to receive the most. [That would only be right. The world isn't always right, but Mingjue can try to be.

His hand doesn't move, remains slack against Xichen's elbow. Mingjue is watching the lake, gaze flicking upward to a flock of birds taking off, that furrow in his brow ever-present.] Would you have ever wanted that? To share a bond with me? [The thought comes unbidden, and he regrets the words as soon as they leave his mouth, but they are an honest thing. He had been wary of bonds before, thinking he would not be able to control the rampaging anger within him, but... Huaisang has reported no discomfort. He can feel his brother's joy trickling through it whenever they spend time together. It is nothing like he thought, and he thinks maybe, he is learning again to be the person he used to be, before the saber spirit grew too strong to ignore. A person with more control. A person with more to offer than rage.]

You shouldn't apologize for that. You have returned to a new life, one that was taken too soon. If you want more time, then you should have it.

[Especially now that Nie Mingjue has his brother to comfort him. That is the important part. A little distraction, a little conversation with someone like Lan Xichen can't serve him much and is only for Lan Xichen's benefit, so it makes sense to put priority where it belongs. And besides, Lan Xichen is still a cause of pain for his friend. Wanting to distance himself from that is probably for the best.]

If everyone got what they deserved, then I doubt I would receive as much happiness as you believe. I give what I feel is best, not what I feel someone deserves.

[It doesn't matter what they deserve. He's not keeping score. Happiness earned would mean barely anything for anyone if that were how reality really worked. Even Lan Xichen, with all of his hopes, knows better. He wants to offer more than that.]

I would. [There is no hesitation there. He's already sworn an oath to this man once, so it would be a lie to say he didn't feel anything at all for him. That connection still stands, and it's not lack of love that keeps him where he is.]

I would like it very much, just knowing I was close to you again.

I have had time enough. [It's true. He's made some tangible progress. He has an apartment, he has steady employment, he's been asked to stand in for someone's parents for their wedding, he's worked things out with and grown closer to his brother. It's all made this life feel more real. He is a part of the world again, not just a ghost walking free.

To that, he grunts in vague disagreement. If life was fair, Xichen would have it easier. Would get to simply be whatever he wanted, and be happy at the same time. But this is one of the ways their worldviews differ; Mingjue believes in fair justice and righteousness and deserve. Lan Xichen believes in forgiveness and kindness. One is no doubt a worse view to take, but Mingjue cannot change some parts of himself so easily when he has long been prone to nursing grudges.

His gaze flickers toward his side, ears standing alert. It isn't the answer he expects, and for a moment, he isn't sure what to do with that knowledge, almost visibly at a loss. Looking back across the lake, he focuses very intensely on a couple of small animals starting to crawl out of their dens for the evening, as the sun sets in a riot of colors. Haltingly, he admits,] I was wary of Bonding. [Shakes his head.]

Jin Guangyao would not react well. It would only bring you more pain.

[He's relieved to hear that from Nie Mingjue. That he's had time, because that means he isn't as wounded and lost as he first was when he arrived. It's a weight off of his chest, at least, because Lan Xichen knows he did not do anything to ease the pain--but he also isn't sure what he could do. That pain was deep and he, a betrayer, was never going to really take it away. Kind words or attempts at understanding only go so far. He tries and hopes, but when he is truly honest, Lan Xichen knows that it isn't so simple. He can't heal those injuries with kind words. But at least Nie Mingjue found someone that could. He's happy for that, and wary, because he doesn't want that happiness to be lost.]

I had my doubts. I thought that if anyone bonded with me, they would be disgusted. And then I would be alone again.

[And he wasn't sure if his heart could stand it. A link, feeling that brush of life again, only to lose it. He might not have survived. But that was all conjecture. Lan Xichen is happy to have his bond now.]

Only Jin Guangyao? Could you bond with me while knowing he was there? Mingjue, you are a brave and admirable man, but patience is not the best of your virtues.

[But he's smiling anyway. The consideration warms his heart at least. Nie Mingjue thought enough of him to look past his resentment enough to reach out.]

I am not troubled by any pain my sworn brothers give me. I only worry about the pain they cause each other and themselves. It would bother him, I think, as much as it does you. He worries about me as much as you do as well. It's something you have in common.

[Along with bitterness and tenacity and a smile that Lan Xichen loves, but he keeps silent about those.]

[He only makes a quiet sound to let Lan Xichen know he's listening. He isn't disgusted with him, knowing he acts according with his forgiving heart, but there had been some pain there, before. There still is, somewhere, knocking around in his own heart, and it doesn't belong solely to Lan Xichen.]

I would never bond him myself. He would never bond me. [That much is obvious. Too much pain and betrayal there. But Lan Xichen has always been in the middle of them, has always put himself there, resolute and smiling, so how would this be any different? And, he thinks, he would not be so iced out. Would not have to leave his friend's happiness solely to a lying snake while he looks on from the sidelines, helpless, unable to act.

It's probably a terrible idea.] It is because I worry for you that I would- [He starts finally, staring resolutely away, and then he cuts himself off. Is he any better, to suggest such a thing when it would be trouble for Xichen?

He shakes his head minutely, the corners of his lips down-turned.] I should not have brought it up.

[He expected a lecture. Maybe even something more forceful, like Nie Mingjue trying to warn him away or threaten him for his own good. Maybe an argument, because it's something that he knows that his friend can't stand. Lan Xichen was prepared for all of those things. But he isn't ready for that strange shift into something else, almost on the cusp of understanding and compromise. It startles him and he looks up as Nie Mingjue abandons what he was going to say.

And then he doesn't really know how to respond. The loyalty and affection are still there, still strong, but he had made the mistake before. He had thought being closer to both of them would be better; that they'd come to terms if they just spent more time together.]

Is it because you worry about me?

[He picks up that discarded statement like an item accidentally left, offering it back to his friend.]

Because if that is so, you don't need to be concerned. Jin Guangyao does many things, Jue-xiong, but he is not going to harm me. If there are times that it causes me pain, it is something he does not control. That is my fault. And he hurts just as much.

[He rests his hand back on Nie Mingjue's, giving him a comforting pat.]

As I said, I do not regret it. A pain like this is shared. I do not want to be relieved from it. If I am to have anything, then let me share the pain and struggles of someone I care for. It makes me feel as though I can belong out here too. And that I also have something to protect.

[It's a futile effort to try and change his mind now. Mingjue is pragmatic, he knows that. And, selfishly, he doesn't want to drive Xichen away with another fight over that snake. He's taken enough from Nie Mingjue. He shouldn't get to take his friendship with Xichen away as well. Maybe his brother being here has brought out in him the desire to hold on to things again, when before, it didn't seem to matter, because he could not clearly see a future for himself.]

Because I worry for you. Because I care for you. Because I thought perhaps I could offer you something. [A counterbalance to Jin Guangyao's apparent emotional chaos. That just seems foolish now, and that he thinks that shows in the furrow between his brows.] I apologize for bringing it up.

[The almost-soft openness of his expression starts to fade, turning slowly back to stone the longer that train of thought goes on. It is Jin Guangyao who makes him feel like he belongs, huh? It feels as good as rejection to a man who is, despite his gruff nature, easily hurt and emotionally foolish. He is very still under Xichen's hand, his ears halfway laid back.] Do as you want. I won't say another word.

[Lan Xichen is aware of the great rift that is between Nie Mingjue and Jin Guangyao. The one that goes deeper than the obvious hatred caused by murder and revenge. If it were so simple, something like mere revenge, then it might actually be something they could come up with a resolution for. A negotiation, because Nie Mingjue's firm black and white view would have actually allowed some concrete concessions for damages and blood. But it's more than just the physical that was wounded.

Maybe he does give Jin Guangyao a bit too much. He concedes and agrees, because he wants to give Jin Guangyao all the opportunities that he can, something the man wasn't afforded for a lot of his life. But maybe he does need that bracing support as well--more within reason, surely--but in the past the two had gotten along. It wasn't as if the hatred was born there.]

No, don't apologize.

[The worry he expects. Lan Xichen knows that Nie Mingjue, like his brother, cares deeply for his well-being. It's something he doesn't question. But the other words, perhaps I could offer you something, speak beyond concern and righteousness. Those are what really make him pause.]

I just don't know what I should do.

[He hesitates, holding his thoughts, then curls his fingers around Nie Mingjue's hand, trying to offer some comfort. In his mind, the three of them together had always been his happiest moments, but the reality was far different. He can't take either of them for granted.]

It would make me happy. [He says that carefully, words coming out with slow deliberation.] Bonding with you. I would like to feel that close. But I would not be able to bring myself to part with him either. I know what you see of him is only terrible. Maybe I... indulge too much. I do not wish to be the kind of man that abandons his heart for the sake of the world, but I should not be a man who abandons everyone for the sake of love. Tell me what you think. I stayed to hear your thoughts, and you say you won't speak another word. That isn't what I want.

I can't tell you what to do. [That was what the whole bonding Jin Guangyao argument came to, wasn't it? He can't order Lan Xichen around. Most of the time, he doesn't want to - it's only in his most frustrated moments that he wishes everyone would just listen to him. (Should they? He's the one who got himself murdered.)

And ultimately, Xichen needs to figure out Xichen's own life, the way Mingjue had to start to figure out his own. The biggest thing he has learned, with clarity, is that he cannot keep on like a walking ghost, with no ties to anyone. He doesn't want that. It hadn't been something he asked about with any forethought; the question was spur of the moment, but having Bonded Huaisang and found it a comfort, hearing that Xichen would like such a thing with him as well, it requires consideration, doesn't it? He has missed their closeness.

He doesn't move for a long few minutes, neither accepting or rejecting the warm hand that curls over his own, but finally, he turns his hand over underneath, palm up, fingers curling gently. It isn't quite a squeeze, still hesitant.]

I will not ask you to break the Bond you have. That is your choice. I would not agree to close the circle. That is my choice. [He will not tie himself to Jin Guangyao like that, but an indirect connection, well. They already have that, whether they like it or not.] But if you wanted to bond with me as well, I would give you that.

It is up to you. It could make things more difficult for you, but I would like to bridge this distance. I miss being close to you as well.

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