middaeg | [semi-open] Lay me down let the only sound be the overflow

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[semi-open] Lay me down let the only sound be the overflow

Who: Lan Xichen, cultivators, and friends!
When: Around mid-month
Where: Lakeside out beyond the Wall (near the forge)
What: swimming, sitting, sighing, and shedding
Warnings: F is for friends who do stuff together.

Everyone probably has their own reasons for being at the lake. For Lan Xichen, working in the forge tends to lead to overheating (especially when he's been fighting off certain stress levels) and the nearby water provides a good way to politely cool off. Maybe you met him on his way and decided to join in or maybe you were already there. After several days this becomes a regular pattern of work followed by an afternoon soak, so it's possibly just a nice diversion when things are a bit too much to handle.

Whether it is swimming, meditating, having a snack, or just enjoying the fresh air along the bank, there are plenty of ways to share time with friends. The only possible warning will come from Lan Xichen himself if it looks like an argument is brewing--he will intervene. He came explicitly for some quiet time, so if anyone starts a fight, they'll probably have a half-naked Lan there to break them up. Maybe that's your thing.

[ooc: This log is a free for all for swimming and lake side games. All our friends are invited to tag in and tag each other. Basically, make up whatever you would like as a starter and cut in wherever if people agree! Non-cultivator friends and 4th wallers also welcome. If you need a specific prompt added, poke me at

teaandreveries.]

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A good man leaving the world behind is not better for anyone. [He says, voice resolute, hard with that characteristic certainty of what is right. There are days he isn't so sure anymore, about right and wrong, black and white, but he feels this one in his heart.] You can have complaints. I've told you before, you do not need to fear losing face with me. Fate is not fair. I don't think it knows right or wrong. [If he can be here for Lan Xichen, make up even a little for the pain he has caused and no doubt will still cause, then maybe he can redeem himself further.]

Do you think it is truly an obligation? I care about you, Xichen. [That hasn't changed. Throughout everything, Lan Xichen has probably been his closest friend, the person he could trust above all else. He hasn't forgotten those years, the things his friend has done for him. Mingjue cannot simply throw away that loyalty.] You give and you give. You deserve to receive as well.

[He has to consciously loosen his grip, hand going lax. He hates it, to hear that that snake is bringing him pain. Mingjue's mouth twists unhappily, but he meets Xichen's eyes without fear. Yes, he does know the pain of being alone. He has felt it often in his life.] So you feel less alone with him? [His voice is tight; he can't help it, the little twist of something ugly in his heart that Jin Guangyao brings out so well still.]

Mm.

[A good man? Well, maybe a good man doing good, but what of a moderate man doing nothing but fumbling? That one can't be missed too much. Still, Lan Xichen is glad to hear Nie Mingjue call him a good man. He has more hope that he has managed to keep his good name if his friend still believes in him.]

I care about you as well, Mingjue. It feels good to see you like this. Sitting by your side, talking this way, it is a relief. I have missed it a great deal.

[Not as much, of course, as Huaisang has missed his family, but he still missed him. Nie Mingjue was a foundation of his life. A strong friend and rock which Lan Xichen had not thought he would lose so early. When he had, it had been perhaps expected on some level, but devastating nonetheless. And final. He hadn't obsessed and tried to change fate like the younger Nie had, but that was because of how helpless he had truly felt toward the loss. Being able to have any sort of connection is still more than he had before, and Lan Xichen is not so greedy yet as to pursue more. But the possibility hangs around him anyway, tempting him to dare for it.]

I only give because I wish to. I don't do it because I expect to receive anything.

[Although he is a little disappointed when the hand loosens its grip on his arm, like Nie Mingjue is pulling away.]

I like knowing he is there. But it made me realize how little I still understand of him or you. How much I still have yet to see, and I don't share a bond with you. So I wanted to have your company at least. That also... I feel less alone when I hear a familiar voice.

[Lan Xichen is too down on himself. He doesn't like to see it, but he only fixes him with a look that speaks volumes, his rounded, lightly-fuzzed new ears flattening against his conscious thought. If he has to, he'll say it again and again until the other man believes him. Believes in himself.

He feels a brief flush of shame and has to look away, though, when Xichen says he has missed this.] I apologize. I... needed time. [To come to terms with everything, to start to settle himself before he could allow someone else to try to settle him. He needed to prove to himself that he could find his footing, just the same as when he was young, first starting with practice sabers in the courtyard. No one helped him up when he was knocked down; he had to learn. While he still wouldn't call himself settled, he is much closer to that feeling. Not even Xichen could have given him that. It took his brother, his brother's forgiveness and love even with years between them, to ease his biggest regrets.] I will try not to be so distant. You will not have to miss this again.

[His ears flick.] Someone who gives with no expectation of return is the one who deserves to receive the most. [That would only be right. The world isn't always right, but Mingjue can try to be.

His hand doesn't move, remains slack against Xichen's elbow. Mingjue is watching the lake, gaze flicking upward to a flock of birds taking off, that furrow in his brow ever-present.] Would you have ever wanted that? To share a bond with me? [The thought comes unbidden, and he regrets the words as soon as they leave his mouth, but they are an honest thing. He had been wary of bonds before, thinking he would not be able to control the rampaging anger within him, but... Huaisang has reported no discomfort. He can feel his brother's joy trickling through it whenever they spend time together. It is nothing like he thought, and he thinks maybe, he is learning again to be the person he used to be, before the saber spirit grew too strong to ignore. A person with more control. A person with more to offer than rage.]

You shouldn't apologize for that. You have returned to a new life, one that was taken too soon. If you want more time, then you should have it.

[Especially now that Nie Mingjue has his brother to comfort him. That is the important part. A little distraction, a little conversation with someone like Lan Xichen can't serve him much and is only for Lan Xichen's benefit, so it makes sense to put priority where it belongs. And besides, Lan Xichen is still a cause of pain for his friend. Wanting to distance himself from that is probably for the best.]

If everyone got what they deserved, then I doubt I would receive as much happiness as you believe. I give what I feel is best, not what I feel someone deserves.

[It doesn't matter what they deserve. He's not keeping score. Happiness earned would mean barely anything for anyone if that were how reality really worked. Even Lan Xichen, with all of his hopes, knows better. He wants to offer more than that.]

I would. [There is no hesitation there. He's already sworn an oath to this man once, so it would be a lie to say he didn't feel anything at all for him. That connection still stands, and it's not lack of love that keeps him where he is.]

I would like it very much, just knowing I was close to you again.

I have had time enough. [It's true. He's made some tangible progress. He has an apartment, he has steady employment, he's been asked to stand in for someone's parents for their wedding, he's worked things out with and grown closer to his brother. It's all made this life feel more real. He is a part of the world again, not just a ghost walking free.

To that, he grunts in vague disagreement. If life was fair, Xichen would have it easier. Would get to simply be whatever he wanted, and be happy at the same time. But this is one of the ways their worldviews differ; Mingjue believes in fair justice and righteousness and deserve. Lan Xichen believes in forgiveness and kindness. One is no doubt a worse view to take, but Mingjue cannot change some parts of himself so easily when he has long been prone to nursing grudges.

His gaze flickers toward his side, ears standing alert. It isn't the answer he expects, and for a moment, he isn't sure what to do with that knowledge, almost visibly at a loss. Looking back across the lake, he focuses very intensely on a couple of small animals starting to crawl out of their dens for the evening, as the sun sets in a riot of colors. Haltingly, he admits,] I was wary of Bonding. [Shakes his head.]

Jin Guangyao would not react well. It would only bring you more pain.

[He's relieved to hear that from Nie Mingjue. That he's had time, because that means he isn't as wounded and lost as he first was when he arrived. It's a weight off of his chest, at least, because Lan Xichen knows he did not do anything to ease the pain--but he also isn't sure what he could do. That pain was deep and he, a betrayer, was never going to really take it away. Kind words or attempts at understanding only go so far. He tries and hopes, but when he is truly honest, Lan Xichen knows that it isn't so simple. He can't heal those injuries with kind words. But at least Nie Mingjue found someone that could. He's happy for that, and wary, because he doesn't want that happiness to be lost.]

I had my doubts. I thought that if anyone bonded with me, they would be disgusted. And then I would be alone again.

[And he wasn't sure if his heart could stand it. A link, feeling that brush of life again, only to lose it. He might not have survived. But that was all conjecture. Lan Xichen is happy to have his bond now.]

Only Jin Guangyao? Could you bond with me while knowing he was there? Mingjue, you are a brave and admirable man, but patience is not the best of your virtues.

[But he's smiling anyway. The consideration warms his heart at least. Nie Mingjue thought enough of him to look past his resentment enough to reach out.]

I am not troubled by any pain my sworn brothers give me. I only worry about the pain they cause each other and themselves. It would bother him, I think, as much as it does you. He worries about me as much as you do as well. It's something you have in common.

[Along with bitterness and tenacity and a smile that Lan Xichen loves, but he keeps silent about those.]

[He only makes a quiet sound to let Lan Xichen know he's listening. He isn't disgusted with him, knowing he acts according with his forgiving heart, but there had been some pain there, before. There still is, somewhere, knocking around in his own heart, and it doesn't belong solely to Lan Xichen.]

I would never bond him myself. He would never bond me. [That much is obvious. Too much pain and betrayal there. But Lan Xichen has always been in the middle of them, has always put himself there, resolute and smiling, so how would this be any different? And, he thinks, he would not be so iced out. Would not have to leave his friend's happiness solely to a lying snake while he looks on from the sidelines, helpless, unable to act.

It's probably a terrible idea.] It is because I worry for you that I would- [He starts finally, staring resolutely away, and then he cuts himself off. Is he any better, to suggest such a thing when it would be trouble for Xichen?

He shakes his head minutely, the corners of his lips down-turned.] I should not have brought it up.

[He expected a lecture. Maybe even something more forceful, like Nie Mingjue trying to warn him away or threaten him for his own good. Maybe an argument, because it's something that he knows that his friend can't stand. Lan Xichen was prepared for all of those things. But he isn't ready for that strange shift into something else, almost on the cusp of understanding and compromise. It startles him and he looks up as Nie Mingjue abandons what he was going to say.

And then he doesn't really know how to respond. The loyalty and affection are still there, still strong, but he had made the mistake before. He had thought being closer to both of them would be better; that they'd come to terms if they just spent more time together.]

Is it because you worry about me?

[He picks up that discarded statement like an item accidentally left, offering it back to his friend.]

Because if that is so, you don't need to be concerned. Jin Guangyao does many things, Jue-xiong, but he is not going to harm me. If there are times that it causes me pain, it is something he does not control. That is my fault. And he hurts just as much.

[He rests his hand back on Nie Mingjue's, giving him a comforting pat.]

As I said, I do not regret it. A pain like this is shared. I do not want to be relieved from it. If I am to have anything, then let me share the pain and struggles of someone I care for. It makes me feel as though I can belong out here too. And that I also have something to protect.

[It's a futile effort to try and change his mind now. Mingjue is pragmatic, he knows that. And, selfishly, he doesn't want to drive Xichen away with another fight over that snake. He's taken enough from Nie Mingjue. He shouldn't get to take his friendship with Xichen away as well. Maybe his brother being here has brought out in him the desire to hold on to things again, when before, it didn't seem to matter, because he could not clearly see a future for himself.]

Because I worry for you. Because I care for you. Because I thought perhaps I could offer you something. [A counterbalance to Jin Guangyao's apparent emotional chaos. That just seems foolish now, and that he thinks that shows in the furrow between his brows.] I apologize for bringing it up.

[The almost-soft openness of his expression starts to fade, turning slowly back to stone the longer that train of thought goes on. It is Jin Guangyao who makes him feel like he belongs, huh? It feels as good as rejection to a man who is, despite his gruff nature, easily hurt and emotionally foolish. He is very still under Xichen's hand, his ears halfway laid back.] Do as you want. I won't say another word.

[Lan Xichen is aware of the great rift that is between Nie Mingjue and Jin Guangyao. The one that goes deeper than the obvious hatred caused by murder and revenge. If it were so simple, something like mere revenge, then it might actually be something they could come up with a resolution for. A negotiation, because Nie Mingjue's firm black and white view would have actually allowed some concrete concessions for damages and blood. But it's more than just the physical that was wounded.

Maybe he does give Jin Guangyao a bit too much. He concedes and agrees, because he wants to give Jin Guangyao all the opportunities that he can, something the man wasn't afforded for a lot of his life. But maybe he does need that bracing support as well--more within reason, surely--but in the past the two had gotten along. It wasn't as if the hatred was born there.]

No, don't apologize.

[The worry he expects. Lan Xichen knows that Nie Mingjue, like his brother, cares deeply for his well-being. It's something he doesn't question. But the other words, perhaps I could offer you something, speak beyond concern and righteousness. Those are what really make him pause.]

I just don't know what I should do.

[He hesitates, holding his thoughts, then curls his fingers around Nie Mingjue's hand, trying to offer some comfort. In his mind, the three of them together had always been his happiest moments, but the reality was far different. He can't take either of them for granted.]

It would make me happy. [He says that carefully, words coming out with slow deliberation.] Bonding with you. I would like to feel that close. But I would not be able to bring myself to part with him either. I know what you see of him is only terrible. Maybe I... indulge too much. I do not wish to be the kind of man that abandons his heart for the sake of the world, but I should not be a man who abandons everyone for the sake of love. Tell me what you think. I stayed to hear your thoughts, and you say you won't speak another word. That isn't what I want.

I can't tell you what to do. [That was what the whole bonding Jin Guangyao argument came to, wasn't it? He can't order Lan Xichen around. Most of the time, he doesn't want to - it's only in his most frustrated moments that he wishes everyone would just listen to him. (Should they? He's the one who got himself murdered.)

And ultimately, Xichen needs to figure out Xichen's own life, the way Mingjue had to start to figure out his own. The biggest thing he has learned, with clarity, is that he cannot keep on like a walking ghost, with no ties to anyone. He doesn't want that. It hadn't been something he asked about with any forethought; the question was spur of the moment, but having Bonded Huaisang and found it a comfort, hearing that Xichen would like such a thing with him as well, it requires consideration, doesn't it? He has missed their closeness.

He doesn't move for a long few minutes, neither accepting or rejecting the warm hand that curls over his own, but finally, he turns his hand over underneath, palm up, fingers curling gently. It isn't quite a squeeze, still hesitant.]

I will not ask you to break the Bond you have. That is your choice. I would not agree to close the circle. That is my choice. [He will not tie himself to Jin Guangyao like that, but an indirect connection, well. They already have that, whether they like it or not.] But if you wanted to bond with me as well, I would give you that.

It is up to you. It could make things more difficult for you, but I would like to bridge this distance. I miss being close to you as well.

[ Lan Xichen accepts the long pause between them, neither pushing forward nor pulling away. He lets that moment be what it is, a moment for thought and reflection, not decision, because it was a question posed rather suddenly and without practical planning. He can understand just wanting to feel that connection. After Nie Mingjue turns his hand over, Lan Xichen just sits in silence for a time, holding it and considering everything his friend says. ]

I do not think you should attempt a bond with Jin Guangyao. That would cause both of you more harm. It was my mistake to think your disagreements would be mitigated by more time together. Loyalty and understanding cannot be cultivated through those means.

[ He had thought that the past warmth and loyalty between them was a sign that there were still seeds left to nurture, but it had ultimately only made the rift worse. This time, in this life, he has to look at what is more closely. ]

We can be close without a bond. Perhaps that is a place to begin. You may find that you do not wish for it after all, since many years have past for us. I do not want to mislead you with memories of something that may not follow us into the future. But, if I am to answer you honestly now, I am not opposed to it. I would still need to speak with him.

[ Which would go down very poorly, like bitter medicine. But Lan Xichen would defend Nie Mingjue as much as Jin Guangyao if it were serious. ]

Will you start again with me? Let me walk slowly for now. I promise not to give up all my time if you will agree to this.

Then at least we agree on one thing. [Just as long as it's laid out. The first time around, letting himself be convinced to swear brotherhood with Jin Guangyao (and Lan Xichen) had not gone well and he is not keen to repeat a mistake. At least Xichen has realized now that that sort of meddling will bring no good to anyone.

(It just marks in his head how long it has been since he trusted that man. He did once.)

His expression sours a little. Well, time to give up on that possibility he thinks. If it requires talking to Jin Guangyao first, it will never happen. At least he hasn't had time to really ponder over it, what it might be like.] Many years have past for you. That is the problem. I will always be trying to catch up. [He's the one stuck in everyone else's past, long dead to others but a couple of months dead in his own mind.] I would prefer you tell me outright. If I am too different from how you remember...

[How much of his personality was the saber spirit? Who is he now that it is gone? He had been glad to be rid of it before, but...

He exhales, a little heavier, closing his eyes.] Fine. We will start again.

I think we agree on many things. There are only a few things we really disagree on, don't you think?

[ Just the one thing, actually. But Lan Xichen is content not to argue over him anymore. They at least seem to be in a better place now without the pressure of sect politics to push them into actions they'll regret. Maybe this time they can make better decisions. He feels that there is actually hope for them now.

Nie Mingjue's souring expression and sulky response get a soft sigh out of Lan Xichen. ]

Mingjue.

[ The name is light and held like a complaint, too warm to be a whine, but carrying that weary fondness he has for someone who both exasperates him and makes him smile. And it hurts a bit, words come to mind that have a bit of the same defeated desperation.

If that is what you believe, then it's no different than it was before.

Were they always this way? Angry and injured and alone? Weren't they happy at one point? ]

I do not know how different you are. Or how different I am. It's not so simple, and I believe all of us have lost a great deal. It isn't only you that needs to catch up and learn who he is. I do not wish to be a shadow. If I agreed to what you ask now, I am afraid that is what I would be offering you. An illusion.

[ It would be far too easy to agree and go back to the way things were. To recreate that promise in a new form, but it would not give any of them any happiness. Lan Xichen squeezes his hand. ]

Spar with me.

[He just shoots him a narrow-eyed look in response, almost a warning, that if he is about to be scolded again he will simply leave. Not everyone can be as placid as the still surface of the lake. He's always been as prone to change in moods as a summer storm.

And right now, frustration and embarrassment are roaring to the surface. He bites his tongue to hold back the retort, Is that what you offered Jin Guangyao? An illusion?] I understand. [He says with an exhale of breath, mentally filing away the resolution to never bring this up again. They owe each other nothing, especially if Xichen wants to start over. He doesn't understand it, why it was different with Jin Guangyao, but he feels pathetic for even thinking that. He is not some lowly snake crawling for scraps of affection from an old friend.

He needs to keep his dignity and regain his composure or Huaisang will know something is wrong when he gets home.

Mingjue goes still again when Xichen asks to spar. While he would normally agree, and quickly, right now, he isn't so sure. He has only picked up Baxia to threaten (mostly this man's chosen Bonded partner, including very recently) and to fight inhuman, dead creatures since he arrived, and the hazy half-memories of his violent deviation still linger.] It is getting late. [He says a little stiffly.]

[Lan Xichen receives that sharp look with patience, letting it roll like thunder overhead without touching him. He expects Nie Mingjue to be disappointed--he has to be, with that unsatisfying answer--but he knows that entering a bond with both of his sworn brothers too quickly, without thought or discussion, will only lead to disaster. It has to be done more carefully this time. Whether he had started with Nie Mingjue or Jin Guangyao, it was always going to be difficult. He would always have left one of them disappointed and angry, if this is how they both feel. But Jin Guangyao was admittedly easier to begin with. He would talk where their older sworn brother tended to brood and threaten. Like now, actually, which Lan Xichen thinks fondly.

He stands up, letting go of Nie Mingjue's hand so that he can, and steps away so he can face him properly.]

Spar with me.

[Yes, he is insisting.]

It has been a long time and we are both in need of it.

[He's all talked out by now. It's already been more honest words about his innermost thoughts than he's said to anyone, save Huaisang, in a very long time. Truthfully, he thinks he regrets it. Showing his heart to anyone but his brother never seems to turn out well.

Mingjue stands when Xichen does, glancing down to tie his black inner robes, to hide more than just his patchy, three-toned body. His hair is still damp, but he takes the minute to pull it back, braids and all, and tie it out of the way. Unconsciously, his gaze flicks to Baxia, resting so innocently, so silently, on the grass a short distance from the lake atop the rest of his robes.

He closes his eyes and tries to find the strength.]

Fine. One round.

No weapons.

[He says that calmly, adding another condition after he earns agreement. One step at a time, little by little, they can learn to do this again. If he has to drag his friend back with him for part of the journey, well, he can do that. Jin Guangyao had many years to be comfortable with him, but Nie Mingjue is still unsure. They can relearn the footwork. They had to, once upon a time.]

And I don't want you to hold back too much either. I know you are unhappy with me. Don't withdraw from this. It is only between us.

[The tense line of his shoulders relaxes a fraction when he says no weapons, and he dusts off the sleeves of his inner robe to try and cover it.

Only to scoff when he says not to hold back.] It isn't just between us though, is it? You and your bonded share pain, don't you? If I leave bruises tonight, no doubt he will tell everyone in the morning about what an enraged beast I am. [He doesn't know if the feeling of needing to look over his shoulder is entirely him or if it is Huaisang as well. Maybe both, after the full moon.]

Light contact.

[The look Lan Xichen gives Nie Mingjue is still graceful and calm, but there's a turn of amusement and, if someone were to really search, perhaps even pride.]

Chifeng-zun is quite sure of himself, thinking he has bested this sect leader already. It is my understanding that you are quite out of practice. But if you are concerned, I'm sure no one will have anything to say about two friends having a practice bout. Some marks are only to be expected.

["Light contact"? Is that for Lan Xichen's sake or his own? The question sticks with him.]

I will be as gentle as I am able to, yes.

I'm out of practice? [He narrows his eyes, brows pulling down into a scowl as Xichen turns all his words right back on him. Who is out of practice? Who? Do you train much in seclusion, Lan Xichen? It is easy for him to brush off when his position in the city isn't so tenuous. No one will potentially go full mutually-assured-destruction on him.

It's practically written on his face, the litany of frustrated grumbling that goes through his head, even if most of it doesn't reach his lips.] I don't need you to-!

[His scowl deepens.] I know what you are doing. Fine, then. I won't hold back.

[The scowl is met with a genuine, full smile. One that isn't restrained or delicate, but laughing and alive--a real smile that he has had trouble mastering for some time. It's like learning to breathe again, and it feels good.]

Good, then I will refrain from holding back as well.

[The twinkle of amusement doesn't fade. He gives Nie Mingjue a short bow of acknowledgment.]

If you dirty my robes, I will also make sure to tell Wangji it was truly an impressive beast, so that I do not ruin your reputation.

You had better- [He says, still glaring, because it's easier than trying to think about that smile and how much more real it looks from the usual. That smile is not placid as the surface of the still lake, it is alive. It is as alive as Nie Mingjue wants to feel again.]

If I dirty your robes? I advise against posing challenges. [Because Mingjue has never backed down from a challenge, and he won't now. Xichen gets a brief indicator of intention before Mingjue makes the first move, aggressive as ever in his style, coming at him with speed and strength that are even above what he had access to before.]

[The teasing was probably a bit much, Lan Xichen thinks when the tiger-like form of Nie Mingjue launches toward him. Antagonizing him was a bit too effective. He was used to sparring with the man as he used to be, but he is out of practice and without his usual cultivation, so he can only dodge back, avoiding rather than meeting him like he might have when they were younger.

But the smile remains. Well, he can learn new tricks too. It's good practice. Lan Xichen moves in, relying on speed and precision rather than power as he attempts to move too close and strike a blow to the side of his friend's torso, light, of course, but also in an awkward place that will put him off balance trying to catch him.]

You like challenges.

[Lan Xichen is fast. He has always been. Nie Mingjue's advantages have always lay in brute strength and unstoppable force - direct and straight-forward in words and battle. It has been some time since he has trained hand-to-hand, for lack of a partner, but he can adjust. He is still feeling out what the beginnings of this new form can do.

He sees it coming at his side, and twists to avoid; his balance is better these days, and he recovers surprisingly quickly, shifting his stance low to sweep a leg out and try to catch him behind the knees.] And you don't? You're egging me on.

[semi-open] Lay me down let the only sound be the overflow

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