middaeg | [Closed] May Catchall!

"I promised." he reassures him, and stares down at Lan Xichen's hands. It isn't, for him, the same emotional trauma that's been inflicted at all, and with Xichen starting to recover a little bit, he would really rather hold him close again, but doesn't want it to be... too awkward. Instead he reaches out to take his hand and hold it, squeezing softly. Yet having done just that... is it really more or less awkward, he's not actually sure.

"We can just sit here a while. Take what time you need."

Through the still present pin pricks of ache and shiver of cold sweat, Lan Xichen shares a feeling with Jin Guangyao. When the man reaches out to his hand, Lan Xichen tosses aside the safety of propriety and any common sense he might have and pulls him down to him, suddenly and insistently, putting his arms around him in a silent bid for comfort. Even if it's wrong to seek that out from the same person that caused his pain to begin with, Jin Guangyao is still his Bonded, and he naturally seeks out the connection that is supposed to provide stability.

And maybe a part of him still clings to that ghost of an emotion he thought he felt within the turmoil he just suffered through. It might be his own delusions seeking out what he thinks is affection, but in the wake of what he just woke up to, he's willing to take the chance and chase after it anyway. Let the humiliation of rejection come back to him later, after he's really had tome to calm down again.

Yes. This was better, even if he'd been too hesitant to initiate it, especially after being the source of the problem. He accepts that embrace, pulled quickly there to sit with Lan Xichen, and returns it with as much grace as you can when sitting on the cobblestones at the edge of a public street.

Any lingering hate is well and truly forgotten in this moment, letting Xichen rest his head against his shoulder, and he squeezes him lightly, only able to hope that somehow his friend would recover. Even if that dream not so long ago had been embarrassing enough that he wasn't about to speak of it... it called back to that same kind of unfettered affection, free from the cares of the world for at least a moment in time.

It's awkward and probably not the most comfortable thing in the world to be grabbed and held like that, half turned sideways and sitting on the uneven stones and damp grass. But Lan Xichen keeps clinging to Jin Guangyao like he's a scared child frightened of a storm. He tucks his face against the golden silk of the other man's robes and simply breathes in silence, focusing on the scent and feel of the cool cloth against his skin rather than the memory of pain and fear and wanting desperately for something to die in front of him. Or was it that Jin Guangyao had wanted something to die? As the waves of hatred really do fade into the back of his mind, Lan Xichen finds it easier to relax into an embrace that is becoming strangely familiar and comforting.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what I was saying just now. You said you were angry, but that kind of anger was inhuman."

Although that feels a little uncharitable, what is Jin Guangyao really going to say to that? Lan Xichen probably never hated anyone in his entire life, and he's frankly still not sure if the other man is even truly in his right mind yet. He sighs, but doesn't move to pull away, only shifting his tail so it isn't squished so terribly under him.

"It's not worth dwelling on. Just try to relax," he says soothingly, continuing to hold him until he's sure that Xichen wants to let go.

The moment as Jin Guangyao tries to shift into something like a comfortable position stirs Xichen into move as well. He moves his legs aside, finally giving the other man a little room, but doesn't quite let go. The irony of anything he said seems to have completely escaped him alongside his dignity as he rests his chin on Jin Guangyao's shoulder and drapes over him like a white blanket, robes messy and gathering bits of grass. The words do help, and as Xichen continues to hold Jin Guangyao he gradually ends up putting more weight against him, until he's actually leaning on him rather than hugging him against his own body. His arms slacken and his fingers close over some of the curtain of hair falling over his bondmate's back.

Nestled together as they are, he takes in the now-familiar scent of the other man with each slow breath. In another place, at another time, this prolonged intimacy would be perhaps a bit too much. Not that it's the first time they've held each other in an emotional moment since his arrival here, but all the same, something felt a bit different about it this time.

As Xichen's tension eases, the exhaustion is more clearly palpable. "When you're feeling well enough, I'll take you home. You would surely rather rest in your own bed than here in the grass. I'll stay with you there for as long as you need, so there's no need to worry," Jin Guangyao reassures him once again, more careful of stroking Xichen's hair lest his hand brush the dangling ends of his ribbon.

If it is too much, too close, Lan Xichen has begun to forget such lines. They have held each other before, touched, and he is so, so tired. He lets his eyes remain closed, feeling the slight warmth (a bit lukewarm to him) and rhythm of Jin Guangyao's heart beating under him. Through the bond, with the panic and anger fading, there is something else. Xichen reaches out to it or deeper within himself, finding a wordless emotion that echoes into the way the hand strokes his hair, reminding him of a different touch. It might have just been a dream after all, but he wants it again.

"I just want to lie here," he says quietly. There, against that comforting shoulder with the scent of fresh grass and Jin Guangyao in his arms. "Only you and I."

"Yes", he agrees quietly - not quite a statement of agreement with the prospect that they should both lie here in the grass at the roadside here and now, so much as it is the sentiment behind it. Not a clear commitment either, because with the state Lan Xichen is in, he doesn't want things to be said now and taken back later. Especially when his state is all Jin Guangyao's fault.

But as much as he doesn't want to deny Lan Xichen anything, he also really can't just let him - or them both - lie here as the day passes on. Supporting Xichen still, he murmurs, "But we have to go home in a short while. All right?"

Lan Xichen at that moment doesn't see anything wrong with lying in the grass like a discarded blanket all day. If he gets scolded for that later, his weary mind tells him that it will be fine. He can make up for the lack of proper behavior once he regains some strength. But for the moment, he could easily fall asleep right where he is, held by Jin Guangyao or else left to the roadside to wake up on his own. It wouldn't be so bad, the voice in his head insists. He wouldn't sleep for that long.

But Jin Guangyao says something that even through his exhaustion Lan Xichen picks up. He lifts his head slightly, eyes only managing to raise their lids partway.

"You'll take me home?"

This seems like the best he's going to get, and Jin Guangyao doesn't relish the thought of dragging Lan Xichen home bodily. He already suspects he'll still be doing some amount of heavy lifting, with the taller man's weight against him.

"Yes, home," he urges, encouraging the Lan Xichen to sit up a little more so that he can loop one arm over his shoulders and put his around Xichen's waist. "It's not that far. I'm sure you'll make it easily, and then you can sleep as long as you'd like. I'll be there as well."

Lan Xichen, given a bit of extra motivation by those words, actually does sit back and let Jin Guangyao prod him into getting to his feet. He's maybe more happy to put his arm around him than to walk, but walk he does. There's some drag, unfortunately for Jin Guangyao, because his bondmate is drained of both anger and relief. At the moment, the most Lan Xichen can accomplish is apparently simple acceptance with a thin thread of want that is more like a petulant child wanting a snack than any thought out desire.

"I want to go home," he decides. Sleeping sounds good. Even if it breaks several rules, he could sleep for a long time. "You'll stay with me?"

If the bond between them has been tugged and battered and wounded in the last hours, the thought of not feeling it at all frightens him. He tries to turn to look at Jin Guangyao, just to confirm what he says is true. It doesn't make leading him along any easier.

"For as long as you'd like," Jin Guangyao says to allay any worries, his voice soothing. Not forgetting to pause a few paces away to gather up Lan Xichen's dropped possessions first, he starts to lead him along. Every so often, he'll repeat the same words as many times and in as many variations as it takes to get Lan Xichen walking with him back down the roadways home, offering physical support as needed.

By the time they're actually at Lan Xichen's doorstep, he's feeling a little fatigued himself. On a hunch borne from many years of familiarity, he test the doorknob, and of course it's not even locked. Cloud Recesses might have needed a pass to enter, but for Xichen's own home, when the man is left to his own devices, he's far too trusting.

"We're almost there," he urges him again, reaching up to pat the arm draped across his shoulders.

The comforting words work and Lan Xichen allows his bondmate to coax him back. At least along the walk he regains some of his strength so that he's not making Jin Guangyao half-drag him the whole way. With the emotions settling in him, he manages to bear more of his own weight so Jin Guangyao has more room to actually breathe. He does stumble at times and appear to drift, needing his friend to lead him back on course before he wanders away or falls.

He murmurs to his companion as well, checking several times with Jin Guangyao, asking him if he's still staying--maybe with the misunderstanding that there is a long trip between their two rooms and that once Jin Guangyao goes home Lan Xichen won't see him again for some time. When they pause outside his door, he at least recognizes the apartment.

"Ah, A-Zhan is..." He has the presence of mind to remember he left his squirrel at home and that their talk in the moonlight had been somewhat uneasy thanks to the rodent's scent on his robes. "I should put him somewhere."

It's a good thought, but when Lan Xichen tries to move forward, he forgets his arm is still draped over Jin Guangyao's shoulder and is stopped, making his step fall short and stagger awkwardly.

"He will be fine where he is for now, so please don't worry. We're bonded, after all," Jin Guangyao replies, struggling a little to stabilize Lan Xichen. Though the feelings during that first full moon had been unnerving, they had waned with the moons and though there were some changes... at least that animalistic feeling had faded into obscurity with the Bond. Wherever Xichen's pet is in here, it's of far less concern than the man himself.

Leading Xichen back to his bedroom, Jin Guangyao helps him to sit there on his bed, settling down beside him.

"There we are. Please, let yourself rest," he moves Lan Xichen's arm from his shoulders, coaxing him to lie down with soft words of concern. "I'll still be here when you wake up. Just relax for now."

Luckily Jin Guangyao isn't driven to hunt at the moment, because Lan Xichen isn't well enough to argue. He nods obediently, letting the matter drop--although when they do enter the room A-Zhan makes an alarmed noise and scampers to a high place, giving Jin Guangyao some scolding chitters once it is well out of reach. Xichen doesn't notice the minor commotion they cause, following Jin Guangyao to the bedroom and sitting down with a quiet sigh of relief. It is comforting to be inside again, with his friend at his side.

"I'm sorry for troubling you so much," he offers with soft apology in his voice. "I shouldn't behave this way." Even if Jin Guangyao's emotions did come through the bond, Lan Xichen wasn't expecting to be that affected. He still isn't entirely himself, but he's aware enough to realize it now. "A-Yao, I can bear it. Please don't let this come between us."

Still mumbling his concerns, Lan Xichen lies back on the bed, surrendering to the kind reassurance that Jin Guangyao won't leave. "I care for you."

"I know. You don't need to say anything more." And please don't say anything more that might be a problem later. But he does know, just how much the ties that had bound feelings to a safe and proper distance had had been loosened, or broken, in places. If only there hadn't been so many things that had happened between them, it would have been easier to let it progress. Were happening still, because as much as the bond helped pull them together -- it only emphasized the places where they were too far apart as well.

Staying seated on the edge of the bed, Jin Guangyao reaches out to adjust Lan Xichen's pillow for him a little first, before resting a gentle hand on Xichen's shoulder. "How is that? Are you comfortable?"

He does know, because they have stayed together plenty of times before. Jin Guangyao knows that he cares generally, but is it enough? Since the temple and since they came, he's made mistake after mistake, saying the wrong things and showing the wrong expression when he promised to give Jin Guangyao a new life. Saying he cares, even though it is actually hard at that moment, does not feel like enough to encompass what is resting in Xichen's chest. He tries to listen, letting that steady had reach over him and adjust the pillow, but as his friend rests it on his shoulder, some part of that heavy stone in his chest breaks loose, swept up with a current of emotion that floods through the bond. Pain, helplessness, fear, and also relief mixed with something else that is too eager to just be affection made content by a soothing touch.

"A-Yao, I care for you," he repeats. "I know I have disappointed you. You are always bearing my burdens. I'm sorry. I've been selfish."

It seems like such a ridiculous thing for Lan Xichen to say, after all the times long ago that Jin Guangyao had complained to him of his own troubles, of how the revelations in the temple had shown him to be the disappointment. But in that rush of feeling he knows just what Xichen is referring to. Even if Lan Xichen wasn't recovering from the virulence of that earlier hatred, it would be difficult to deal with. As he is now, as the situation is between them, it feels like these emotions are being pushed to the edge of a cliff, ready to fall and shatter on the ground at any moment.

Unwilling to accept this, Jin Guangyao instead leans to cup Lan Xichen's cheek in his hand, making sure his face stays turned to his, looking deeply into each other's eyes. "Listen to me, Xichen," he says smoothly, letting that strange feeling behind his eyes and in the flicker of his forked tongue build again, soothing and patient and hypnotic. "Please put those thoughts from your mind. You've had a difficult time, and now you should be resting. Forget these last few words between us, and just close your eyes and go to sleep. It will all be better when you awaken, I promise."

It didn't work for so long, when he tried it on Huaisang before. And it was a promise he couldn't keep. But this didn't need very long, for once Xichen was asleep, no doubt that exhaustion would fully take hold.

Edited 2020-05-19 19:11 (UTC)

If he were in his right mind or had this been a more normal exchange between the two of them, it could still not really guarantee that Lan Xichen would suspect Jin Guangyao when he raises his hand and carefully redirects his gaze. He should at least be concerned that Jin Guangyao had chosen to call him by name so directly, commanding him as if he were a parent instructing their child not to run outside wearing good robes. But all Lan Xichen hears is the soft rhythm of the tone, flowing up and down like waves splashing lightly against the banks, quietly pulling his worries into the deeper waters and letting them sink without any show of violence or anger. He should get up and retrieve them. Clinging to those feelings and words he spoke that he believes wholeheartedly, but the assurance that he just had a difficult time rises up like a river around him, gently pulling him into passive acceptance.

He looks up into the golden circles above him, finding that they seem to dance and blur together, the color dancing like sunlight very close. Within reach, if he wanted to grab it. He thinks that he might, if he reaches up, he could know what it feels to hold sunlight. But, oh, Jin Guangyao had been saying something, hadn't he? That thought passes through Lan Xichen's mind as he drifts to sleep, body relaxing against the mattress without a struggle.

Letting out a soft sigh, Jin Guangyao relaxes a bit and pulls back once he's sure Lan Xichen is fully asleep. He stays there at his side for a while, just watching the rise and fall of Xichen's chest with each breath.

To be honest, he's tired too. The adrenaline and hatred, followed by rushing about in panic and fear, the struggle in that emotional turmoil and the effort of helping Lan Xichen get home, was all a lot. He'd been thinking of going to the little kitchen area and finding some tea to drink while he waited, but even with that little bit of distance, if Lan Xichen woke while he was away, if sleep had not healed all wounds, the panic might all begin again.

So instead he comes around the other side of the bed, where there's at least a little more space, and lies down to rest a moment as well, at as much of a respectful distance as the size of it allows. But it isn't long before the temptation of that warmth he can sense so close draws him to shift over until they're nearly touching. He's really only here for Lan Xichen, to soothe his mind and stay with him. That's all. And if Jin Guangyao happens to be pleased with lying so close, well, that's just a small side-benefit.

His intention wasn't to fall asleep at all, but in the quiet comfort there and his own exhaustion, it isn't long before his mind drifts off too, head falling to the side against Xichen's shoulder.

Lan Xichen sleeps deeply and for several hours, completely relaxed with the head against his shoulder and the pleasant feeling of Jin Guangyao's voice telling him everything will be better still echoing through the bond. Even if he isn't conscious to know what is happening, he feels content, his oblivion painted in amber and golds rather than deep black.

Some time later, as the bright light of the afternoon is turning more burnt orange in the window, Lan Xichen's eyes open. He sees the figure next to him, curled close for warmth, and without thinking his arm finds its way over to Jin Guangyao's sleeping body, fingers brushing the robes within his reach. He takes hold of them, keeping as still as he can as he listens to the slow rhythm of breathing next to him. He wants to turn and make sure Jin Guangyao is warm enough, but that would likely be too much. If he wakes him, the moment will be lost.

It's a while later that Jin Guangyao shifts in his sleep, a few errant stands of hair tickling his nose enough to wake him. He turns his head, brushing them out of his face with a sleeve. When the hazy realization that Lan Xichen is awake as well comes to him, by rights he should sit up, or give him some personal space. But he doesn't, half from the pleasant warmth next to him and half from the concern rising back into his mind over Lan Xichen's mental condition.

"How are you feeling?" he asks, putting his hand lightly over Xichen's.

When Jin Guangyao moves and opens his eyes, Lan Xichen has settled back into contented dozing. His eyes only remain half open as he soaks up the feeling of lying next to someone he cares about, no sign of anger or killing intent between them. He turns on his side, trying to do so as gently as possible so he can face Jin Guangyao, and rests his hand on the shoulder so close to him.

"Mm, I feel fine. But how did we get here?" He definitely remembers being sick and angry and crawling on the grass. Those are all clear in his mind. After that, the haze and exhaustion make things less solid. "A-Yao, did you carry me?"

"We walked back together." Jin Guangyao searches his face and those feelings running between them carefully, for any lingering trace of that disturbance some hours ago -- his own worry fading somewhat when he finds little. "I didn't know. I had no way of knowing, that you would be so affected."

Although he should have thought further of that gulf between them, perhaps. But it was already too late for that, was barely on the fringes of his mind in the heat of the moment when he'd run into that certain someone.

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