Anywhere I would have followed you // closed

[aban_aqun]

Who: the Iron Bull aban_aqun and Dorian Pavus bestdressed
When: Four days after arriving
Where: their cottage
What: feelings
Warnings: feelings; will be updated as necessary



Slowly but surely, Dorian and Bull have been exploring their cottage and attempting to make it feel more like home. Dorian's spent time exploring the clearly magicked platforms and stairs above the house, and Bull-- has watched from the ground, for now. As much as Dorian assures him that it appears entirely stable and unlikely to fall out of the sky, Bull is content to simply trust the magic and not engage with it. For now.

Learning to trust magic has been an on-going process since he left Seheron. Bull likes to think he's made exceptional progress in the past decade or so.

Despite their focus on trying to settle, Bull hasn't forgotten the weight Dorian is carrying: the one that's been on his shoulders since they arrived. The one that's nothing to do with being here.

"Hey, found someone getting rid of these and thought you'd like them," he says when he finds Dorian in their bedroom. Draped across the Bull's arms are gauzy curtains that would look good draped around the bare canopy of the bed.

Comments

[aban_aqun]

Bull lets Dorian go so he can retrieve his gift. He watches curiously; Dorian's a master at his craft and if he's made something, it's worth paying attention to. He accepts the pendant as Dorian sinks against his side and watches as the mage opens it to show the crystal. He knows a little about magic and stones, if only because he's listened to Dorian talk about it before.

The possibility of being able to hear Dorian's voice even while separated makes something in his chest go tight. The comfort of it, and the frustration, would go hand in hand but it's a gift Bull never expected to have. He'd been prepared to survive on letters.

"Kadan," he murmurs as he catches Dorian's chin, tipping his head up for a kiss. "I'll keep it with me. I'll have it when we go home, however we manage."

Bull looks at the sending crystal again. It's evidence of the power Dorian potentially has at his fingertips in Tevinter: the resources, the means, the support. Not just for magical experimentation but for social change.

"I'm proud of you, Dorian. Whatever happens, I hope you know that."

[bestdressed]

Seeing Bull hold the crystal in his hand brings a sense of relief joy that Dorian hadn't expected. It had been the product of some very fulfilling work with tools and resources generously provided by the Inquisition. That Bull is accepting it means that he is accepting what Dorian has to do for his country. They'll be apart, but they'll still have one another. It feels as though much of the weight he's been carrying--the uncertainty as to what the future might hold for himself and Bull--lifts, and he's able to smile after he leans into Bull to return his reassuring kiss.

"You won't have cause to miss my velvety voice, at least," he points out, and carefully folds Bull's fingers around the amulet. It's his to keep now, and hopefully it will work again when they've managed to get home. There's a third as well, intended for the Inquisitor, which Dorian will hold on to for now.

"Thank you," he says more quietly, hand still curled around Bull's much larger one. This probably isn't the end of this discussion; he knows that eventually Bull will insist again on going with him. But for now, he'll take it. "I know that I shouldn't have doubted," he admits. "It doesn't mean that I don't trust you." He thinks Bull already knows that it has more to do with his own preconceptions.

[aban_aqun]

Bull lifts Dorian's hand and tenderly kisses the back of it. "You protect yourself," he says quietly. Even now, even with him, Dorian has a tendency to prepare for the worst possible outcome. Bull doesn't blame him for it and he doesn't take offense.

He pulls Dorian closer to him, right into his lap, so that he can wrap around him more. They will talk about this gain, he's certain. But it's out now, it's known between them, and they can work toward that next discussion without the weight of it on Dorian's shoulders.

His gaze drifts over the books and notebooks and papers scattered around them.

"You really aren't wasting any time, are you?"

[bestdressed]

That's just it. He protects himself. He steels himself almost instinctively, hoping to minimize the damage. But it's far too late for that with Bull anyway; he's gotten too close. He's let himself fall in love.

Luckily it seems he's chosen well. The Bull understands him.

He likes to think that he understands the Bull, too.

"Have you ever known me to tarry when there's magical knowledge to be gained?" What he's saying is that he hates feeling useless. Magic is not only his biggest strength, but his greatest passion. How often in his life had he lost himself in magical research to distract himself from one heartache or another? How proud he'd been the day he made Enchanter, how wonderful it was to be acknowledged and celebrated, his accomplishments rewarded, even by his father. How terrible then, in the south, to be vilified for the one thing he'd always had to be proud of and take solace in. How utterly devastating, here, to lose it completely.

Dorian had thought years ago that he might have an inkling of understanding as to how the Bull felt when he was declared Tal-Vashoth. Dorian's nation had rejected him as well. But he thinks he understands still better now, and finds himself leaning heavily back against Bull's chest, glad for his sturdiness. He draws the man's arms around him until he feels secure.

"I have also undoubtedly learned more about your condition than you have," he adds, because this is another conversation that needs to be had sooner rather than later.

[aban_aqun]

"I don't have a condition," Bull rumbles.

He realizes how stubborn it sounds but he says it anyway as his arms drape around Dorian. He holds the mage close as he looks over all the books and notes again, scanning for the word monster on any of them.

There is a part of him that knows avoiding this will only bring trouble. Calling it a condition doesn't make him feel any better about it, but really, what else is there to name it? Madness is a condition. Under the Qun, being Tal-Vashoth is a condition.

[bestdressed]

"Honestly, Bull," he huffs. "Ignoring the problem does not make it stop existing." Which would be why he's thrown himself into his studies as quickly as he has. His voice softens a little as he goes on. "I know what they've called you, and I don't like it any more than you do. But the facts as they are indicate that you will experience some sort of...transformation. What kind remains to be seen."

He knows how terrifying this prospect must be for Bull; at least as frightening as it has been for Dorian to be cut off from the Fade.

"From what I've gathered, this process can be slowed and controlled through the formation of a Bond with a so-called witch, such as myself. It appears to be a sort of magical symbiosis."

[aban_aqun]

Dorian is right, of course. Ignoring it will not make it stop any more than ignoring a hurricane will make it go away. All one can do is prepare and wait for it to hit. Shock ebasit hissra. Bull carefully rests his head on top of Dorian's and he listens.

"They tried to get me to do a temporary one on the first day here," he admits. "I might have been... resistant."

Having an unknown potion foisted at him by an unknown mage for the purpose of bonding with a total stranger after being pulled through a mirror-- Well. Dorian knows him well enough by now that he can probably imagine how that went.

[bestdressed]

"I can imagine," Dorian says mildly, because it's true. He can picture with probably near-perfect accuracy how that interaction had gone. "I doubt I would have behaved much better. It's terribly irresponsible to foist that expectation on anyone brand-new to this place, before they even have a full understanding of the magic involved. The joining of magical signatures is not something to be trifled with lightly. Given the properties of the bond as I've heard it from others, even a temporary one could prove to be dangerous should you link with someone too incompatible. Which you wouldn't have any idea about, would you, if they're asking you to do so with a complete stranger."

Dorian's voice has steadily risen as he talks, getting more and more visibly irritated. He's glad that Bull is so resistant to strange magic; he wouldn't have wanted him to try it on his own. He has a feeling Bull would react badly to joining in such a way with anyone he isn't familiar with. Dorian is well aware that the only sort of magic the Bull has truly come to trust is his own.

"That being said," he continues, forcing himself to speak more slowly. "With what I've learned, I do think it would be beneficial. Not with someone else, of course, but the two of us."

[aban_aqun]

Dorian's indignation gives Bull comfort: it isn't just his own pigheadedness that kept him from participating, but a healthy reluctance to engage with something he doesn't understand. That Dorian is this upset at the idea means something. Bull presses a kiss to Dorian's hair and murmurs something soft, something that sounds like gratitude.

"I would try it with you," he admits. Bull trusts Dorian's instincts and his knowledge regarding magic, but he also trusts Dorian. He might still feel nervous about using magic like this, but that's born of an entire life of being educated on its worse dangers and few of its benefits. Bull likes to think he's come a long way since leaving Seheron and even further as his relationship with Dorian progressed.

Bull is quiet when he finally says: "I don't like this."

[bestdressed]

For as fundamentally different as they are, there are actually many things on which Dorian and Bull agree. One of them is the irresponsible use of dangerous magic. Dorian's seen quite enough of the results of that throughout his life. Dorian shifts in Bull's lap, turning in his arms until he can reach up to touch his face, cradling his jaw with both hands. His thumbs brush along his cheeks, prickling against growing stubble. "Neither do I," he agrees sincerely. "Not any part of it."

Bull isn't alone. They have one another, and Dorian doesn't like this any more than he does. But as they have no idea how long they'll be here, he's determined to make this as easy on Bull as is possible, which is why he's done so much research already. As per a conversation he'd had about the topic, it's a witch's prerogative to protect their bonded partner. And he fully intends to do just that.

"I think that precisely what we should do," he says. "Attend one of those classes together, try it temporarily. And if it works as I think it should, then perhaps from there..." Oh, he hadn't intended this to sound quite so...oddly romantic? Hard to avoid when talking about magically bonding oneself to someone already loved, but this is just what's practical. Of course. "Something more permanent."

[aban_aqun]

Bull closes his eye as Dorian touches his face. What Bull won't say is that he is afraid. He has seen what he's capable of when he's a monster and he knows that Dorian will say everything to reassure him, but Dorian doesn't know. He leans close to catch the mage in a quiet kiss.

"Alright," he says at last. He'll go to the lectures if Dorian will go with him, if he has a buffer between himself and unfamiliar magic. Bull brushes his thumbs over Dorian's shoulders. Bonding does sound sort of romantic, but he thinks that's only because it will involve Dorian.

"Permanent, huh?" he teases gently, trying to lighten the mood.

[bestdressed]

Dorian might understand more than he's given credit for. He's seen the Bull in the midst of his reaver rages, incredible strength induced by blood and pain and the chaos of battle. He's remained with him in the aftermath as he returns to himself, seen the shift. He knows that Bull is violent, that he often needs to kill to feel at peace with himself. Bull has seen and experienced all of the ugliest sides of war, and still often sees them both in dreams and while awake. More than a decade later Seheron still haunts him. Dorian knows. He loves him still. The Iron Bull remains one of the gentlest men Dorian has ever known. His lips, though scarred, are soft when they touch. Dorian is far more demanding in his kiss than Bull, fingers curling around his jaw.

They're in agreement then. Good. As he understands it, bonding will help them to process Bull's changes together, waylaying them to a more manageable pace, as well as deter the infection of the Cwyld, which seems to infect so-called "monsters" far more readily. They break away and Dorian looks searchingly at Bull's face, though he finds nothing but gentle amusement.

"You know what I mean," he says quickly, a little flustered. It's still a bit embarrassing, even after all this time, for him to express his dedication so plainly. It makes him feel vulnerable. "It's a binding ritual meant to last a lifetime if those involved are lucky. You've seen Bonded pairs by now." They'd been greeted, after all, by a prominent one: head witch Nerissa Bell and her partner, the wolf woman Mhairi. She'd certainly seemed fierce, but well in control of herself. Strange to think that they might become like that themselves. Stranger to think that he's essentially asking Bull to be bound to him for life, and that he would agree. Put like that it does sound significant.

[aban_aqun]

"Yes, I've seen them. And I would be happy to enter into a lifetime bond with you, kadan." He wouldn't hesitate, he realizes. Bull tips his head for another kiss and holds Dorian a bit tighter against his chest. It's easy to say.

It isn't just about the protection it offers them, though that is a difficult to ignore practicality. It's something enduring, lasting. It's something that might, at least in part, reflect how he feels about Dorian. They certainly don't need magic for Bull to make his feelings plain, but the ritual neatly echoes everything he already feels.

Dedicate himself to Dorian for the rest of his life? He already has.

[bestdressed]

Oh. To hear Bull say it so plainly strikes Dorian momentarily speechless. Not that it matters much, as Bull kisses him again directly after. All of his sensible, practical reasoning hadn't prepared him for simple fact of Bull wanting to be with him for the rest of his life. It is characteristic of Dorian to think of such entanglements as theirs as temporary, despite even Bull's assurance that he would still want him all the way from Tevinter. The idea of being with Bull in ten, twenty, thirty years--hoping for something so far in the future seems like inviting disappointment. But Bull says otherwise, and Dorian finds himself inclined to believe him.

"You should be so lucky," he says in lieu of what he really wants to: so would I.