middaeg | [Closed/Open] Me and the devil were standing side by side

Jin Guangyao's anxiety isn't so apparent as he waits outside the Coven for Lan Xichen, smiling at random passersby if they happen to make eye contact.

But inwardly, those turbulent emotions won't settle, especially now that he's finally asked Xichen to come and perform the ceremony with him. Their chat during the full moon had not gone quite as smoothly as he'd hoped, at least half of it due to his own mental state under the influence of the moons' light. It was, to be sure, a bit early to do it now, but the idea of waiting too long or that something else might happen along the way to interfere with this commitment was making him nervous.

Then there was the issue of the Bond itself.

Of course he didn't want to become a monster and be forced to act like some kind of feral beast, that was half the problem. There was at least one individual in the city with a rather intimate knowledge of his past and surely zero compunctions about retaliation should Jin Guangyao find himself to have attacked someone while out of his mind. There was no way he could risk it.

But right alongside that, more than anything else, there's the fact he'd rather not share his true personal feelings. It could cause some difficulties.

The fact that his best option was still his old friend and sworn brother, who clearly still had moments of distrust, only added to that. On that account, the feeling was mutual -- and he could well understand, between what had transpired and what had been spoken since his rebirth here, exactly why Xichen had been reluctant to bond with anyone else. Perhaps Lan Xichen needed a Bond less than he did, but it would only helping him as well.

Lan Xichen got up earlier than usual the morning he agreed to meet Jin Guangyao. He spends the entire day up until they agreed to meet meditating, deliberately concentrating on clearing his mind (and hopefully his soul) in preparation for what is coming. He cannot leave Jin Guaangyao Bondless, that is already something he decided, but if they are both going to make it through the new connection, Lan Xichen definitely needs to quiet his heart. It was clear from their meeting earlier that the two were only going to have trouble if he didn't manage that much. So he dedicates himself to that intention, hoping that it will prepare him enough to protect everyone involved.

Which is a good thought, but his heart still races a little when he catches sight of Jin Guangyao, unmistakably him, waiting outside the Coven. He pauses, centers himself, and approaches with a much more serene expression, practiced and prepared over the years, smiling as he joins his friend.

"You weren't waiting too long, were you? I thought this was the time we agreed on."

Was he late? The idea that he left Jin Guangyao anxiously expecting him and doubting his arrival was a little worrisome too. He still has misgivings on how much he wants to share his private feelings with anyone, but he doesn't want Jin Guangyao to feel he might be abandoned either. And there was something just a little painful in the thought of his friend waiting alone and watching these people go by, even if they were more friendly than those at home.

"You should have called me if I was late. I would have hurried."

"No, not at all. If anything, I was perhaps a bit early," Jin Guangyao replies, returning the warm smile. "I arranged for someone to officiate already, I hope that's all right. You didn't have a fellow Witch in mind, did you?" he asks, leading the way.

He has to remember to still his tail -- as much as he hates it, he's starting to get used to having it lingering behind him, even longer now than it had been those few weeks ago, but still just barely under the robe's hem. Trying to still his mind is an entirely different, much more difficult, matter.

Edited 2020-04-26 00:04 (UTC)

Lan Xichen shakes his head. He remains calm and gentle, but a small part of him laughs quietly at the idea of him bringing anyone he knows to conduct such a Bond. They wouldn't tolerate it, let alone undergo the process themselves. And it isn't because of the inhuman features Jin Guangyao is gaining.

It's still a mystery to him why he hasn't been chosen to be a monster as well. Both of the others are showing changes already, and it only seems right that he should be branded in that way, made to feel the physical pain and fear they must have. But he's outside of it again, like he was before. Lan Xichen glances over to Jin Guanyao as they go inside, his eyes drifting down to the bottom of his robes.

Internally, panic is definitely setting in for Jin Guangyao, and he tries looking at Lan Xichen for some faintly possible hope of comfort, only to find the other man look down at the swish of his robes. It's not showing yet, is it, he fears, sparing a half-glance down, himself. But no, other than a slight disturbance in the flow of the fabric, the scaly length is hidden still. But even unseen, just a reminder of what he's slowly becoming, and what else he fears could come from that.

It's not as if it's a long walk to the room with the circle set up and the waiting Witch, who is all smiles. Isn't joining a bond a wonderful thing, after all? You two must be so happy. Just step inside the circle, join hands, and say your vows to each other, and she'll do the rest.

This is the point where Jin Guangyao hesitates, not quite stepping into the circle yet. "Oh yes, vows. It was a bit foolish of me to have not reminded you beforehand. Do you need a moment to prepare something?" he asks, looking over at Lan Xichen.

He doesn't see anything, really. Maybe a ripple under the cloth, but that could be his imagination. And he isn't precisely looking for the tail he knows is there. It's not a source of disgust for him as it is for the unfortunate man it's attached to. For Lan Xichen, the movement just happens to catch his eye, looking down being easier than looking up at anyone and having to have words ready. Oddly enough, he felt happy when Jin Guangyao had allowed him to see the growing tail on the full moon. It felt like he had gotten just a bit closer to seeing him and being trusted again. But now they are back to smiling and showing proper conduct and he is something of a support.

Lan Xichen does smile for the witch when the arrive, bowing politely and giving a warm greeting. He looks at Jin Guangyao when they mention being happy, softly brushing his arm with one hand just for a moment. It might be a bit telling that his expression doesn't change much when the mention of vows comes up. If he looks a bit paler than usual he probably already does from lack of sleep. Any hesitation now will be taken badly.

"No, it's all right," he says. His hand might tremble a little, but it's subtle and he puts it behind his back to still it. "I shall simply say what I am thinking. If you'll forgive my poor words."

Jin Guangyao can't hesitate any longer either. He's the one who called Lan Xichen here. For all the moments of discomfort, too, there was still something of their brotherhood there that he missed. If he feared showing his own feelings, at least half as much as that he wanted to know Lan Xichen's, to follow the trail of this unsolvable uncertainty. If he just tamped it down and focussed on his brother, perhaps he could manage himself enough.

Stepping into the circle calmly but decisively, Jin Guangyao holds out his hand... and arm, even if he has to stop and pull back the end of the sleeve that fell over the stump there, slightly marring the ceremonial feeling of the moment.

"I doubt that, even unprepared, you would say anything poorly. Come, and tell me what's on your mind," he says gently, waiting.

It's more than just a bond and they both know that. Even if they weren't sharing feelings, the connection would still upset Nie Mingjue and Lan Wangji on principle. So Lan Xichen takes one more moment to consider his actions before stepping into the circle to join Jin Guangyao, eyes steadily on his and hands reaching out to take his hand. He shifts his other to support the offered arm, not hesitating at all with the shift of position and remaining poised as if he doesn't even notice the missing hand.

"You are as beautiful as always," he says. It's an innocent observation, but one he wouldn't actually say out loud. "I give you my promise before the heavens that I will do what I can to help you achieve happiness. And if I cannot do that, I will at least follow where you lead me."

Ever the planner, Jin Guangyao had thought of more formal words should the situation demand it, but had been uncertain on just how it would go with Lan Xichen, with the way things were at present. So it had definitely been for the best to let him speak first -- with a particularly surprising opening statement.

Truth is something that doesn't come easily to Jin Guangyao any more, dodging and weaving his way past inconvenient facts or hiding in half-truths and miswordings.

"I have always admired you, and even when I was unable to live up to your ideals, I truly wished to," he responds in turn, looking up into Lan Xichen's eyes, "I give you my promise that I will put the sins of the past behind me, for both of our sakes, but not the spirit of brotherhood we shared. And that I will not abandon you again, no matter what comes to us both."

As proper as he still tries to be, the idea of attempting to give any formal oath still hurts too much for Lan Xichen to consider it. That is a failing in his character, it seems, too weak to bear the sound of formality for a promise that he already agreed to. His heart is scattered and still a bit uncomfortable with the idea of making a formal affair out of anything. It feels too much like a mask or an obligation, something he can no longer ask for. His words might be inappropriate and messy, but they are honest and his alone. That way, if Jin Guangyao wants to, he can ignore them entirely. Only Xichen himself will have to live by it, and he is ready to do that.

"You may use me however you will," he says quietly. "All I ask is that you try to be gentle to those who might anger you in the future. It is all I will ask."

He might have wished for Jin Guangyao to follow a brighter path, but he still notices when his friend speaks of the past as what it is: past. If that is not what Jin Guangyao truly wants, then Lan Xichen has decided that he won't ask him to pursue higher ideals or the innocent views he held onto from their youth. Their last talk had left a small scar, warning him against pushing too hard. And while he probably won't be able to stop himself from holding to his beliefs, his goal is still genuine happiness for his friend.

At one point, before everything at the temple, Jin Guangyao might have looked at some of those words differently, especially in conjunction with the way Lan Xichen started. Perhaps a little embarrassed, in a good sort of way.

Now all he can think is, really, Xichen? Is that how you feel about this, that you're just being used, making it sound half like you're trying to trade yourself for the wellbeing of others? Do you think that poorly of me now, still?

But if that was all there was to it, truly, some of that conversation on the moonlit streets wouldn't have happened, that admittance that he didn't want him to choose anyone else.

It was all still difficult, the way things had ended up, wasn't it?

"I'll try," he can only respond quietly, bowing his head a little as he can feel the magic settle around them, a warm tingling where they're touching. He attempts to focus more on that affection and comfort he'd found there in that too-close moment a number of days ago rather than his faint disappointment and much less faint anxiety over just how much would come through in the Bond and what that would mean for the future.

It might have been easier if all Lan Xichen wanted was to spare everyone else some trouble. That is generally what he wants for everyone just because he has always wanted to ease the troubles of those around him, but if that were all he ever wanted, then he wouldn't need to worry about a Bond with either sworn brother. He could have negotiated his terms early on or simply given a formal warning and left things alone, but the truly terrifying thing for him is that he does want, and only Wangji really understands how hard it is for him to let that want die, even when everything else in the world is telling him to.

Death is no obstacle to a cultivator, especially not a Lan who was brought up to embrace the role of a graceful life leading to inevitable end. There is not actually too much that Lan Xichen fears in the world, but all the morning's meditation is still not stopping the shiver he feels as Jin Guangyao gives his response. He will try, Lan Xichen believes that, but he knows how much his friend pleaded with him before about not having a choice. Part of him knows that perhaps there is something like fate in Jin Guangyao's nature and that he might not really be able to fight off the urges for violence. And the chill that settles on him is when Lan Xichen knows for certain at that moment that it doesn't matter. All of the accusations and doubts thrown at him he's mostly shrugged off as his sworn duty up until those two words, but in that moment, just before the magic really starts to take hold, he realizes that isn't true and that maybe this is a bad idea, because he might have been misleading Jin Guangyao as much as himself.

So the first strong emotion that comes through the forming Bond is Lan Xichen's instant, panicking epiphany that he has many unsettled thing still in his heart that were not properly cleared in that morning of solitude, followed by his rush to tamp them down. Desperate yearning, loneliness, conflict, shame, and then beneath it a steady, quiet affection that flows out beneath them without any uncertainty at all. He meets his friend's eyes with worry clearly in his gaze.

"Please listen before you do anything."

Please don't cut it off two seconds after the connection even formed.

It's not as if Jin Guangyao's heart is much less settled, and he tenses a little, his hand tightening around Lan Xichen's; even if the worry isn't clear on his own face, it's plainly obvious through their connection now. It's entirely too much that passes between them when touching like this, and before even taking the time to think about just what all those feelings mean, his own anxieties and fear about this much emotional openness rise further.

Even if there were reasons for bonding, and few options, this was still a bad idea. He should let go, at at least ease the flow of emotion.

But he doesn't at Lan Xichen's words, standing still in the circle his with hand clasped around the other man's. Because as much as he's afraid of what will transpire here, and even though he had always known that it existed, really, feeling that undercurrent of genuine affection was something he didn't want to give up, even if it came loaded with unpleasantness on top.

"Of course. I'm listening," he replies easily; it's unfortunately second nature by now to not let that fear and anxiety show.

At least Jin Guangyao doesn't run out of the run or demand an end to the whole thing immediately, which for a moment Lan Xichen fears is possible. He didn't mean to deceive his friend (and the irony is sadly lost on him in worrying about that), but his conflicting priorities and mindset of shutting down complicated emotions so that they didn't cause chaos within him had not made it easy for him to decide what exactly he had been feeling until it was right in front of him. Words spoken not in some formal oath but from his impulses and hearing the responses coming genuinely from Jin Guangyao without rehearsal helped untangle a lot of the suppressed feelings he really had not wanted to examine. After all, if he kept them locked back, they could do no harm.

Except now he has no choice but to acknowledge them. And having the hand close tightly around his, despite the seemingly calm reply is proof that he needs to do more than hide away with his own regrets. Lan Xichen looks at their hands locked together in a mutual grip and takes a breath to make himself relax the way Jin Guangyao seems to be. The cold, coiling tension coming through the forming bond says otherwise, and Lan Xichen tries to balance it with control and patience if not ease.

"I don't intend on asking anything of you. I told you I would share this bond to help you keep a clear mind, and I will do that. But..."

This definitely should have been thought of more, but it's too late now and he's already committed.

"A-Yao, we don't agree about many things. I believe we will probably disagree more in the future, as well. Because of my blindness as much as your pain. Even with that, I want you to keep me by your side. It is true that I believe you might still betray me if the danger is great enough, but I meant what I said just now as well and I will not hold that against you."

He doesn't like the disagreement, that acknowledgement of the troubles between them. But even sandwiched between words of goodwill, that affirmation that Lan Xichen thinks he'll be betrayed stabs into him.

Hasn't he always known since he got here, with each flinch or questionable look away that Lan Xichen still didn't believe in him, and that all this talk about trying to put the past behind just wasn't working? He'd been trying, and trying, but nothing was effective, nothing stuck for long. Jin Guangyao's frustration and resentment surge forward from that fear and strain.

In a flash, entirely too quick in his movement, he releases Xichen's hand and grabs Shuoyue's hilt. Jin Guangyao yanks the blade free in a single sharp motion -- only to push that hilt into Lan Xichen's now-empty hand, his own covering it that he can't just let go, with the blade pointed to his own gold-robed chest, pressing forward enough that the tip bites into the cloth.

"What am I supposed to do, when you say that? How am I supposed to tolerate hearing that from my oldest friend?" His voice starts quiet if rough, but the feelings build inside him as he speaks further, pushing its way out. "If that's what you believe, then it's no different than it was before. I would rather see you do it of your own free will than have your mistrust used as a tool by someone else. Will you follow me, wherever that leads?"

Its not that Jin Guangyao wants to die, he's never wanted that. But hurt and angry all over again over what he feels was a betrayal still much fresher in his mind, and feeling like he's tried so hard only to be let down again, he also knows he can't quite bring himself to kill Lan Xichen either. What else is he supposed to do, indeed?

At this point being surprised by Jin Guangyao should be considered completely shameful, but Lan Xichen is surprised. He's shocked actually when his friend grabs the sword from his hip and forces it into his hand. His reactions might have been quicker if he weren't completely caught off guard and suddenly overwhelmed by the raw, unrestrained anger and frustration hitting him in the chest. He's been mad before, but nothing has matched that feeling. He apparently never knew the meaning of the word resentment until that moment, because what nearly knocks him to his knees is something Lan Xichen is unfamiliar with. He pulls back, confused and out of breath, trying to keep the point from pushing further forward.

"It won't happen again."

The words don't sound very strong, because most of Lan Xichen's effort is going toward holding back Shuoyue and not collapsing himself. He knew that there were unseen emotions hidden in Jin Guangyao when he saw a glimpse of them in the temple, but that was not nearly enough preparation for sharing them.

"Please... I told you to assure you I won't strike. I can't help my doubts. Fear takes time to heal. But I am willing to- I will follow you."

Unable to let go of the sword and afraid that wrenching free of Jin Guangyao's grip will end up hurting him, Lan Xichen holds the blade at a stand still, trying to keep it from moving at all as he looks him in the eyes.

"A-Yao, please. It is different now, and that is painful, but that doesn't mean it has ended everything."

It's not good enough. Jin Guangyao isn't as strong as Lan Xichen, but he fights that initial attempt to pull back with every ounce of his strength, as awkward as it is with his arm outstretched like that; just as much doesn't try to push it any more forward than pricking the fabric. He absolutely could step forward and force himself onto the blade, but that's not the point this time.

"You can tell me with a straight face that you can't help your doubts, all the while still refusing to accept that I really couldn't help any of the things I did," he replies bitterly, and even if that's not entirely accurate in regards to his crimes, in the heat of the emotional moment it rings true through the bond because Jin Guangyao believes it himself.

It's hypocritical for him to cling on to his own pain of the past, lying each time he said he'd let it go, all while wanting Xichen to genuinely forget all about it, but Jin Guangyao doesn't care, now that they're back speaking of it again. So what if he can feel that affection, when it clearly meant so little, to came with disagreements and conditions attached to it.

So he refuses to let go, still with his hand clenched tightly to hold the sword in Lan Xichen's grip. "If all you can do is doubt and disagree, perhaps it would be better this way." He can't cry anymore, but his lip trembles.

It hurts in a way he never thought emotions could hurt. Jin Guangyao's anger and disappointment in him are actually palpable, even more than the musical techniques of Gusu that could cause physical harm with only songs. And still he's stunned that how familiar this all feels. A panicking part of him remembers the same feeling of helpless confusion before having his acupoints sealed, and that bitter voice that sounded so despondent one minute and furious the next. And Nie Mingjue, who was twice as furious and knew the whole time this would happen.

Still grappling for control of his blade, Lan Xichen suddenly feels something else that he is not as familiar with. A hot, stinging feeling that makes him tighten his grip on the hilt and grab Jin Guangyao's wrist with his off hand (it's nice to have two) as he stares into his friend's eyes with that bitter anger reflecting back.

"Release me, Jin Guangyao."

That is a command, but one still tinged in pain and desperation.

"You promised me that you would not let me live in confusion any longer. Will you not spare me even time to doubt? How many times must I be cursed by those I love most? You killed me as much as you killed him back then and then you left me. I cannot promise you the heart you wounded and left does not bear scars now. It's impossible. But can you tell me your hatred doesn't still exist?"

Even if Jin Guangyao could say that without a note of dishonesty, Nie Mingjue's all too loud honesty was a telling sign that resentment still lived between them. The sort of poison that had killed the man was too obvious to hide.

"I am still here. Give me some mercy, please. I believe-" He wasn't going to cry. He had actually resisted tears up to this point, not willing to show that face when he was trying to make a point, but at these words, Lan Xichen can't hold back any longer. "I believe that you are still the kind A-Yao whom I once knew."

Edited 2020-04-28 15:54 (UTC)

He's not going to answer that question posed, because of course that hatred still exists, bitterly so now that he's seen the man alive again and walking around to threaten Jin Guangyao's own existence instead of as a peaceably sealed head on a shelf: present, but unable to dispute with him.

In that same rare moment of self-reflection, he can only curse his past self once more for taking such decisive action against when he was run through with this exact sword, death at his heels. Perhaps Lan Xichen could say that kind of thing, but for him there was no point in asking where the unconditional kindness that he'd known from the other man had gone. Because he was the one who broke him with hasty, if deliberate, intent in that furious retaliation, not imagining that he'd see another day to regret it.

He doesn't exactly let go, but he stops fighting, his grip loosening enough that Lan Xichen can pull the sword away from him without issue.

What if that A-Yao only existed for you, brother? Because for all that he felt he'd had no choice in so many of his crimes, even he could hardly call himself a kind person towards most others. Yet he can hardly bring himself to refute Lan Xichen's words either, when that kind of belief is what he really wanted, appreciated. Jin Guangyao fell silent for once, gaze averted.

The arguments cease, but at least the pressure pulling his blade toward Jin Guangyao's robes loosens as well. There's a wave of relief from Lan Xichen, who carefully and gently removes the hand from around his so he can move Shuoyue away from his friend's body and return it to its sheath. It was such a terrible, heart-wrenching close call already, and they had barely scratched the surface of their feelings.

"A-Yao, if I never said it, then I would be lying to you. I do have doubts. You- many things have hurt you in the past and I believe it is not so easy for you to forget them. So I know that there will be times that perhaps your actions will be painful for me, who cannot understand them."

Which is too nice of a way to put it, but seeing as something like that just happened not two breaths ago, Lan Xichen doesn't want to instigate the man into picking a fight back up again.

"I cannot promise to always approve of everything. And I will worry, because I don't wish to see you injured chasing after any resentment you still feel. Mingjue feels that I am too forgiving, but it isn't simply that wounds are something we can forget. I do still carry what happened with me, but that did not stop me from coming to you. You can be cruel, I see that now, but you can still be kind and gentle. I believe if given a chance, you will prove that in the end too. So, yes, I will follow wherever you lead."

It's too early to be feeling relief, for as much that feeling passes through to Jin Guangyao, there's a backwash of bitterness and frustration still. There's no point in hiding his feelings, but there's still a definite difference between his face and the intensity of them.

"I promised not to abandon you, brother, and you have my word, but I have nowhere else to lead. Knowing what you know now, of course... you're right, you can't help but doubt, and nothing I can say will change that. Who knows how much time would have to pass for that to heal." he says, naming the hurt that had triggered this outburst in the first place. "But just as much I can't accept it."

"You can insist that you want to understand, and not look the other way, but there's never been anything for you to gain from it, only pain. And even if I was unable to follow you, I could at least look up to where you stood and admire that you were able to be in a place where you could ignore the troubled parts of this life. How could I have wanted that for you then, and how could I want that for you now? Seeing you continue to struggle and worry now doesn't bring me any happiness, if that's what you're hoping for."

"I can thank you for doing this for me, but I am no longer sure what else I can say," he finishes, and if those words are cold enough to hurt a bit, well, the feeling is definitely reciprocated. Even if Lan Xichen's words are more well-intentioned than any of the others would speak of him by a wide margin, this change in their relationship is still too much to bear after years of nothing but kind support, longing for times past. "Other than, perhaps, I wish none of it had happened at all and that you were able to remain unknowing."

He is still relieved that Jin Guangyao is no longer in danger, because that will always be an immediate press on his heart, but the more his friend speaks, the more despair overtakes his other feelings. It starts as a pang when he hears that tell-tale I can't accept it and that only spreads to a cold numbness as that statement is followed by words of past admiration, now apparently tarnished, and a final distant thanks that snaps something deep inside him. Nie Mingjue and Lan Wangji being angry and disappointed had hurt, and Jin Guangyao's offense earlier had felt like a suffocating wave, but being dismissed so thoroughly is a feeling that Lan Xichen has only one word for and it sits beside another thought he had never been able to bring himself to say. He thinks erratically of his brother, once upon a time, sitting in a cave, and laughs at himself.

"I see." Which sounds foolish to him, since that only exacerbates what the man before him just said. "I suppose I just wished to understand. I thought it might bring me closer to you, but I- I misunderstood your needs."

He keeps his head lowered, because he's not about to show his face with tears in his eyes, but aside from his hand trembling around Shuoyue's grip, he keeps his voice steady.

"In that case, I will try to give you what I can if you let me know what it is you require. I fear I no longer qualify for the innocence you describe, but that had already left even before those troubled times. You were mistaken, I think, about me. I might not have been aware of your deeds, but I know enough of war to know not all things are so clean. I would always have disappointed you."

He focuses on breathing, swallowing down his feelings and returning to something more calm, even if it is a battle to do it. It's devastating to know how far he really is from his friend now, but the thought he chooses to focus on and that gives him a thread of warm gratitude to cling to is enough to help soften the personal blow.

"I am only happy you are alive and well."

Edited 2020-04-29 00:50 (UTC)

Jin Guangyao shakes his head. If it hurt himself to put it so bluntly, the return from Lan Xichen was even more, and he tries to soften it a little inside as well. For as much as he can't stand the way that things have fallen between them, he doesn't really want to hurt Lan Xichen so much. It's just that either honesty or lies, with the bond between them making so many small feelings clear, either way will cut.

"But you didn't disappoint me. You were one of the few people who, despite your position, accepted me when I was scorned by everyone else around me. Your presence always made me happy, before," he replies more gently as troubled emotions ebb. And I would have done anything for you, to see you happy in return, only that seems like a mockery to say now. "I suppose you doubt even that now, but it is true." Surely you can understand how, after all that, how much this doubt and questioning weighs too heavy on him?

Jin Guangyao doesn't think he's so mistaken either; it's one thing for Lan Xichen to say that he knows not all things are so clean, but that is still so far from Jin Guangyao's personal experiences, even past the war's end, by circumstance... or intentional omission.

It hurts to hear him say that he made Jin Guangyao happy. It should be a balm, something to feel good about, but Lan Xichen takes in a sting with that warmth. He made Jin Guangyao happy at one point, but it was not enough, and it isn't the kind of happiness he really wants. Which is also something he really should not be considering at this point.

Lan Xichen dries his eyes with his sleeve, breathing deeply and settling his heart as much as he can before lifting his head. It isn't like he is the first person to ever know rejection, after all. And Jin Guangyao has at least generously offered him a way to salvage some of his pride. He might claim to be someone completely different when the fear strikes, but that still reminds Lan Xichen of the kindness he was shown in the past.

"I am glad to hear you say that. Even if I can no longer provide you with that same happiness in this condition, I hope that you will still gain something from this. I would like to remain with you anyway, as long as you don't object. It should at least be easier than finding someone new at this point."

And, seeing a certain stress line appear on Jin Guangyao's face--one he's only recently even become familiar with--Lan Xichen smiles gently.

"Of course I don't doubt it. I'm just sorry that I have fallen short of your expectations. I find that is growing into a habit lately, so I can't offer much excuse. I... must have become a stranger to many people. Please try to overlook it anyway. I don't know why I'm like this."

Even if it didn't seem like a half-assed excuse, Jin Guangyao knows exactly why he's like this, which makes it all the more frustrating.

"I'm the one who asked you," he reminds Lan Xichen. "I could hardly object. Even if some times are difficult, I still appreciate your company. Is there anything you want to do? We've overstayed our welcome, I think." He'll have to send some gifts to try to make up for causing such a scene, and gives a very apologetic look to the poor witch who was probably horrified and frankly just trying to stay out of this messy, messy relationship.

Lan Xichen smiles, faltering only a little with awkwardness at being told Jin Guangyao couldn't object, because of course he can. But hopefully he won't. That is, as long as Lan Xichen can maintain a calm, warm composure. Which means that he has to work harder.

"Ah, actually, I need to go. I have to check on A-Zhan and I- I've already left him too long. Please forgive me for all of this. I shouldn't have said anything today. I will be mindful going forward."

He raises his arms and bows deeply, but hurriedly.

"Lianfang-zun, please excuse me for leaving first."

It's a hasty retreat, but also an intentional move. He's trying to create some distance so that he can put himself in order and manage the emotions waging war inside him and also escape the Coven before something else happens. Lan Xichen moves pretty swiftly, it turns out, when he has a purpose in mind.

The sun's been up for a while now this morning, but Jin Guangyao is still just barely awake, sitting specifically in a streak of warm sunlight cutting across the patio of Diplomatea. Sitting is less and less comfortable as the tail grows, forcing him to sit further forward in the chair and curl it around under his robes. Being cold-blooded gives one a new appreciation for the warming spring days.

It was little effort to have a weiqi board made and some appropriate white and black stones found, so it brought it along as well, sitting next to the tea he'd ordered a short while ago. Jin Guangyao always smiles pleasantly should anyone happen to look his way, and if they seem curious at all, might add, "Please, feel free to join me."

( cold-blooded. as in cold-blooded murder. lan wangji walks over by chance, halts by choice, his morning stroll interrupted by a familiar sight that stiffens his entire body. how dare he. how dare he show himself in broad daylight and basks in the sun’s warmth, as if thinking himself worthy of its light. lan wangji immediately regrets leaving bichen behind (for wei wuxian, just in case), a fistful of empty air as he stops tense-jawed beside him, a sidelong glance.

his brother is the only barrier that stands between them, and lan wangji sits in front of him, unhurried, his usual grace slightly less fluid than it should be. he doesn’t say anything, which isn’t exactly unheard of, but his mouth is pursed in a tight frown and his stare needles through jin guangyao pleasant façade, an abundance of heat behind his glare.

hello, lianfang-zun. )

[Well even if their chat some days ago was mildly ambiguous, that gesture and tension in Lan Wangji's body certainly isn't. And though he might have resentment for Wangji's interference, hatred simmering inside him for the needless way he maimed him, he doesn't scare Jin Guangyao in the way Nie Mingjue does. But his presence definitely is helping him to feel more alert already, the tip of his tail coiling under his robes.

But acting as if absolutely nothing is wrong whatsoever, he fills in the hole in the conversation left by Xichen's brother, his golden-yellow snake eyes narrowed down to fine slit pupils in the bright light.]

What a pleasure to see you again, Hanguang-jun. Would you care to have a game? It's a nice way to pass the time, when things are so peaceful here.

( he should be scared of chifeng-zun, and if lan wangji doesn’t possess the same dispositions for violence, he’s no less intent on protecting the ones he loves. he took his arm, once. he’s not above taking more, should zewu-jun or wei wuxian come to harm, but lan wangji is no fool. jin guangyao isn’t without skills, however wicked, and lan xichen acts as both an obstacle and a shield, one he’ll most likely use to his advantage. lan wangji is, more or less, helpless, though it’s a weakness he’s willing to expose, stubbornness and vehemence seeping through his resolve.

no matter how restrained, he’ll never stop watching, going to the greatest lengths in order to avoid a repeat of home.

he knows that jin guangyao knows. for the moment, he’s untouchable, and lan wangji’s eyes slowly drift downward, a silent scrutiny of the board. he doesn’t want to scare him per se. he just wants to remind him, i’m here, and he’s not going anywhere. so he plays, pushing his piece, another game at play and one word on his tongue. ) Peace. ( manageable, according to his brother, though the tension between them here is nowhere near peaceful. ) Your intent?

[Untouchable, but just as much as Wangji is untouchable to Jin Guangyao. If anything happens, he'll be the first one they look to, and he's bereft of all the tricks, tools, and minions of the past. Then there's the situation with Xichen, which has become, frankly, annoyingly complicated.]

To simply live my life. I'm not a cultivator here, Hanguang-jun, and it seems rather meaningless to let the past live on in a place where it is meaningless to everyone else around us.

[He replies pleasantly still, but then takes a little more serious, quiet attitude as he sets his first stone on the board. Of course it's far more likely that Lan Wangji won't believe him -- and he shouldn't. But Jin Guangyao might as well make the effort, and he's still just as good as always at playing sincere.]

Regardless of what you know, or what you might recall, you should know that I don't hold anything that happened against yourself or Wei Wuxian. You were manipulated, after all. Any sort of interference that naturally followed from being forced into the track of investigation is... regrettable, to be sure. But I'm looking to start a new life here, and I don't want those old memories to weigh any of us down.

Edited 2020-04-25 23:31 (UTC)

( anger doesn’t rise as quietly as it once did. his connection to his bonded is an outburst on all his senses, and lan wangji’s temper sometimes mirrors its many moods, impulses that elude his unwavering restraint. he wavers now, barely resisting the urge to slam his fist onto the table; it’s a flare of magic instead, a whirlwind breeze around them ~~for dramatic effects~~ that surges up, whipping past jin guangyao and subsiding as quickly as it came. lan xichen’s sworn brother sputters the same words a victim might, and lan wangji’s knuckles are white atop the table, stray pieces of weiqi between his fingers. )

Redemption has a price. ( penance, and it’s a hiss between gritted teeth, because jin guangyao wishes for a second chance that lan wangji doesn’t think he deserves. lan xichen thinks otherwise, his brother the only soothing balm on his wounds, and a good measure of salt. ) Trust is earned.

[If that resentment and hatred was simmering quietly before, they rise to a quiet boil with that show of magical force. But it lies still behind a soft voice, words evenly measured.]

Should I die a second time? I think if I died a thousand deaths, that still wouldn't be good enough for you, would it. You know, for all that I am the one turning into some kind of creature, I am not the one with the beastly urges here. Please control yourself, Hanguang-jun. I'm sure your brother wouldn't like to see you like this.

( ah, death. an easy way out, if nothing else; no, lan wangji wouldn’t be satisfied if he died a thousand times, though his reasons might differ from the ones in jin guangyao’s mind. even now he gets under his skin, easily; he knows where to prod, how, and lan wangji’s nostrils flare as a sliver of guilt flashes in his eyes.

he breathes in, a sharp exhale as he stares quiet for a few moments. ) Atone. ( calmer, but no less clipped. speaking of his brother... ) For his sake. ( if he truly cares at all. )

[Contrary to what Lan Wangji might think, he does care. It's just... difficult to deal with that on top of everything else in life.]

What do you see as a fitting atonement then?

[He asks out of curiosity as much as anything. If you think he's going to have himself whipped or anything at all like that, you have another think coming, Wangji.]

( caring for someone you shouldn’t care for isn’t exactly unknown territory for lan wangji, nor is penance. oh, the things they could share, if such a bone-deep aura of animosity didn’t divide them. jin guangyao doesn’t seem to believe that he should repent, and if the past can’t be erased, compensation should be offered. )

Benevolence. ( genuine, selfless, if he’s capable of such things. but most importantly... ) You are not worthy of my brother’s affections. ( chin slightly dipped down, he leans in, eyes narrowed and gaze unflinching. ) Earn them.

[Spoken as if any goodwill would ever be believed after the confrontation at the temple, as if he hadn't had that sentiment that he wasn't worthy or good enough chasing him from when he was born, and as if he himself wasn't the one owed something by the man glaring at him at this moment. Even if he cared what Lan Wangji thought, there's no point in pursuing acceptance from someone when it can't possibly be earned in a hundred lifetimes. He'd learned that a long time ago.

He dips his head in thoughtful 'acceptance'.]

I'll take your words into consideration. There's plenty of time for reflection, and to consider what can be done to make amends.

[If he thought that he despised Lan Wangji for what had transpired before, he hates him even more for trying to burden him with words so easily spoken but impossible, unattainable.]

( no, he wouldn’t believe him. he might give his brother the benefit of the doubt, however, he already has in ways, and he so desperately wants him to be right. maybe jin guangyao is beyond redemption. or maybe a bond with his brother will actually do him some good, and it’s all he can hope for at this point, zewu-jun’s kindness to reach the confines of jin guangyao’s tainted heart.

as for taking his words into consideration… lan wangji nearly scoffs, a twitch at the corner of his upper lip. ) Is there? ( time. for reflection. as if he should be given a choice. slowly he rises to his feet; hanguang-jun never overstays his welcome, but first... ) Has Chifeng-zun been made aware? ( y’know. of everything. )

[That twitch of the lip is more than enough confirmation for Jin Guangyao. You can call him insincere and a liar. But asking for atonement even while in disbelief at the idea, isn't that just as insincere? But it's fine for you to say, oh of course.

As for Nie Mingjue...]

We've, ah, spoken about everything that happened, yes.

[With a small break in the sentence there because nobody would even have a chance at believing that interaction went smoothly in any way.

Not that they spoke of everything, not even close to everything. A forced confession and details first intended to help spare his own life, then to hurt Mingjue when escape wasn't offered and death seemed imminent, that was all. Jin Guangyao doesn't expect this to be believed either, but at least if Wangji feels the need to go fill in a blank or two, he can at least prevent him from having a clear starting point to add details Chifeng-zun doesn't need to hear about.

The small black and white weiqi stones are still a bit scattered from the gust of wind Lan Wangji raised, so he can't help but add innocently:]

Would you mind helping to tidy up before you go, Hanguang-jun? I don't want to blame you, but you really shouldn't make a mess and then leave.

( he trusts his brother, if nothing else. and chifeng-zun, who has a thousand reasons to loathe jin guangyao, probably. or more. it’s a lost battle, and still lan wangji demanded, atone, only to be told that… what, he’d think about it? there is no time for consideration, only time to repent, now, and even though jin guangyao doesn’t comply, agree or sympathize, lan wangji has made his stance known, and it’s all that matters.

for now.

normally, he would just leave. cast him one last glare and be on his merry (!) way. instead he stares a little longer, deadpan as ever. ) I will take your words into consideration. ( and maybe next time he’ll make a bigger mess. until then, lan wangji breezes past him, possibly even more perturbed than he was before his encounter with lianfang-zun. why can't anything ever be simple? )

Somewhere in the shopping district, Jin Guangyao is carrying a small stack of books, making his way along the streets calmly. Until, that is, a point where someone clearly spilled a bag of grain intended for a baker's shop nearby, and a small horde of birds has descended to help clean up the streets.

He can't quite put his finger on it but something about the flock is a little unnerving. Hesitant, he takes a half step forward before retreating again, looking faintly uncertain. Help apoor man out here?

[Closed/Open] Me and the devil were standing side by side

[CLOSED for Lan Xichen]

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[OPEN] Basking snake with tea and weiqi

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[OPEN] Birds... why did it have to be birds...