middaeg | [open] i really don't care about nothing at all but i think the world of you

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[open] i really don't care about nothing at all but i think the world of you

Who: Emil Västerström and whoever!
When: During the "Dream A Little Dream" event and/or other times in the month.
Where: Emil's memories, or wherever else
What: Memory sharing and catch-all for any other random threads.
Warnings: animal suffering mutation/violence and death, gun and knife violence, general body horror via infection/rot/mutation

Prompts in comments.

I will post a couple of starters with various 'phases' or parts of the memory sequence, since complete arcs in SSSS tend to be on the longer side. If you'd like to join in at any one particular phase of the memory or just want to go through the whole thing from the start, let me know in the subject line. I'm only going to post the first couple minutes of the memories and then we can walk through more in the thread! Emil will likely be watching the memory with your character, making commentary or trying to distract them if he thinks that what's happening is too embarrassing.

I genuinely don't mind going through the same memories with multiple people because who he's with will change his reactions, so feel free to tag one even if there's another taker.

Memory One: Let Them Eat Cake (on the mingle log) - In which Emil is a spoiled teenager snarking at his nanny, but conveniently providing a place for anyone needing a bit of levity and cake among all the misery.

Memory Two: Cthulhund & Kitty - In which Emil encounters a Rash-infected dog Beast, tries and fails to put it out of its misery, and then assists with the attempted rescue of a family of cats. Only Kitty survives.

Memory Three: Left Behind - In which Emil and his friend Lalli stay behind as the rest of the group moves on, and Emil ends up having to drag Lalli's unconscious body halfway across Denmark with no food. Also they are almost killed by dusklings.

May add more if I think of notable moments!

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[Emil doesn't see it that way, not particularly. When he was doing it, he hadn't felt heroic or like he was fighting his way through undue pressure or anything like that. He'd just wanted to survive, wanted Lalli to survive, and he'd felt pretty pathetic, especially when Lalli had repeatedly called him out for being unable to run as far and as fast as Lalli could or navigate as well as Lalli could...nevermind that Lalli was a scout with years of training. Emil was inadequate. Mostly he'd felt inadequate.

Looking back on these moments, Emil feels acutely how inadequate he'd been then, and probably still is.]

Yeah. I'm not sure how it works, I don't know a lot about mage stuff...man, I wish I'd paid more attention now, but what can you do? Anyway, yeah...

[His expression softens.]

After the first night...this one, I mean. After I saw him in my dream, then I could hear him talking in my head. It was really weird. Really weird. But it was nice to talk to him. We couldn't understand each other before then.

[Now he watches as his past self finally makes it to land, sloshes off the ice into hip-deep water and drags Lalli to shore, sits for a minute to gather himself, Lalli's head in his lap. He remembers the bone-deep exhaustion that he'd been feeling then - wet and cold and worn down from physical exertion.]

I don't think I was ever so alone as I was right then.

[His voice is small, quiet, and he crosses his arms over his belly and chest, self-protective.]

[Soren doesn't make any overt gestures to comfort him. Distantly, he feels this sense that in a situation like this, it would be appropriate to. Watching Emil hold onto himself bothers him for some reason. But he's never been good at offering consoling words or dredging up optimistic platitudes. Instead, he wraps up his sentiment in an action, drapes his jacket over his compacted shoulders. Before he can protest, he asks the question now buzzing in his mind.]

Enough pitying your past self. You say he's your friend, but you can't even understand each other?

[Soren manages to catch Emil before he can hand the jacket back, telling him to stop pitying his past self. The other young man has a point, and Emil's cheeks burn a little with embarrassment over being caught feeling sorry for himself like that. Sure, he loudly complains a lot, but he's used to people brushing it off, and usually it isn't so...raw. He doesn't feel so vulnerable when he's yelling about his discomfort.]

Yeah, yeah, okay right. And yeah, we speak different languages, back home. I speak Swedish, obviously. He speaks Finnish. We're finally starting to learn to talk to each other now, or, well before I left. But back then, we couldn't understand each other at all. It was all, you know, body language and actions and how we looked at each other and stuff. He's pretty good at making himself understood.

[Emil watches as that past version of himself drags Lalli through the snow, and finally slams a door open with his shoulder, pulling Lalli inside. Reaching out, he tugs lightly at Soren's sleeve.]

Come on. There'll be a nice big fire in there in a few minutes.

[Soren follows along, quick to take his sleeve back, and tries especially hard not to show signs of his returning discomfort. The promise of a fire awaiting them just up ahead makes it easier to bear.]

I see...

[It's hard to imagine, befriending someone who can't even speak your language. Then again, Princess Leanne only spoke the ancient tongue, yet she was able to befriend those of other kingdoms rather easily. A lot could be conveyed without words. He thinks of himself for a moment, back when he was small and knew how to speak nothing but spells, when he met his very first (and only) friend. Perhaps it's simply harder to imagine making friends when his own problem is rooted much deeper than just language.]

How did you two m-meet?

[Almost immediately, Soren is shivering again, and Emil sighs. Usually he'd roll his eyes and argue, but he's feeling a little worn down, not really up to an argument, so if Soren would rather be cold right now he'll let him. If he's learned anything from Lalli it's that sometimes it's kinder to let someone struggle, because it's harder on them to accept whatever he's offering. At least the fire is just incidental, so he glances back to make sure Soren is following him before making his way inside and watching himself leave Lalli there on the floor.

It was hard to do, he remembers that. Hard to just leave Lalli there mostly defenseless. But if there'd been trolls or whatever inside, the last thing he needed was to fight them while holding Lalli's unconscious body. So he pauses for a moment or two, watching Lalli as his past self checks the house, unable to just leave Lalli alone this time.]

We were on the same expedition together. Hired, you know, to go out into the Silent World and scavenge Old World books. They're very valuable, where I come from. Skalds will just spend their whole lives transcribing them so we can learn from them.

[Even though he knows it's a memory, Soren can't shake the instinct to be watchful for dangers himself. He keeps his eyes peeled, his nose sharp, his ears open for dangers. Naturally, the Cleansers are in the clear. They obviously survive tonight.

He keeps his arms close to himself, eyes Lalli's lifeless form with an unreadable expression as he draws near Emil. Even standing next to him, he can feel him radiating a suggestion of heat from where he's positioned, making him want to close in even more than the meter or so of distance. His attention begins to shift to the Emil from the past as he sets about on his tasks to ensure their mutual warmth and safety. ]

What s-sort of lost knowledge could be found in these books?

[If he had to stake a quick guess, it might have something to do with finding ways to combat the Rash.]

Mostly science stuff. Medicine. They're always looking for a cure, and then there's mechanical stuff and managing electricity and all that.

[Emil keeps looking at Lalli until his past self comes back to drag him to the lit fireplace in the living room, and trails after as the memory goes on. Memory Emil drags over a couch and some chairs, puts them with their backs inward to make a sort of enclosed space with a blanket draped over the top. It maximizes the warmth in the small space, the heat of the fire reflecting off the backs of the furniture. After he gets Lalli situated on a mattress in front of the fire with a blanket draped over him, Emil starts stripping down to his tight black undershirt, hanging his outer clothing to dry, and settles down to look mournfully at Lalli.

Emil shifts a little, glancing downward.]

This is where I go to sleep. With the dream thing I mentioned before.

['Managing electricity' only makes half sense to Soren, whose only experience with that is in magic. It doesn't register as anything worth questioning, however, and he falls into a spell of silence as he watches Emil gather and snap planks, douse them and set fire to the heap. Thoughtfulness floods in. The reality of what is happening, that something like a memory can be shared between two people here. It had been strange from the beginning, but that strangeness settles over him anew.

This is all something he should never have been able to see. But here he is, standing beside the person who lived through this moment. Soren glances at the present Emil for just a couple of seconds and privately registers that again, like a thief might reach into his pocket to thumb a looted gem. He would feel like more of a trespasser if Emil weren't so oddly... welcoming of him being here. Sharing and narrating one of the harder moments of his life like he had invited what amounted to an intruder here in the first place.

Both Emils head toward the fireplace, and Soren is grateful to follow. Unfortunately, it's hard to settle in as close to the flames as he'd like when Lalli is stretched out directly in front of it. As a product of a memory and not a living body, chances are Soren would phase through if he scooted over him, but... he cannot bring himself to do that. Both because it gives him the creeps to contemplate, but it's disrespectful. Soren crouches where he can with a sigh, musing wryly as his wings fan open just a bit to embrace the radiating heat.]

I wonder if the memory will change to accommodate your experiences, or if we'll be stuck here watching you sleep for a while.

[Because that sounds delightful. Maybe they can all have a slumber party here in freezing troll dreamland.]

[Frankly, Emil knows about electricity, but not how it works or what they could even learn about it from the books they hunt down in the Silent World. So it's a good thing that Soren doesn't ask about that, because he'd have no idea what to say. Besides, right now he's mostly distracted with watching his past self settle in and slowly drift off sitting up, his chin dipping over and over until he's sleeping.

Moving a little, he tugs at one of the couches, now that the past version of himself is asleep, makes some room near the fire so Soren can get in closer to the fire for a bit.]

I don't know. When I was watching Lalli's memory before, he could blink and move time forward. I can...let me try, once you warm up a bit.

[Crossing his arms, he takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and tries to remember what had happened next, what the next 'important' thing had been. He hadn't eaten when he'd woken up...there wasn't anything to eat, really. So the next thing had been...the map.]

[Most of Soren's focus drifts from the gentle dance of flames to Emil as he finally settles in to sleep with worry stuck on his brow. How he could sleep after his friend's uncertain fate and with potential dangers lurking outside could be made possible with sheer exhaustion. Soren's sure that would be the only way he himself could achieve it like this.]

I'll be fine. Even if I heat up, I'm bound to just get cold again.

[He says that, but he wedges in to keep taking advantage of the heat. Now everyone in the furniture-blanket fort has their eyes closed save for Soren. With no dire rush impelling them (in the present, anyway, as far as he can tell) nor immediate desire to go anywhere, he waits on Emil patiently.

(Don't look now, but he may be nabbing a fire-warmed blanket off the fort to see if he can actually use it later or if it just disappears eventually. Surely no one will miss this. Lalli? Got any complaints? No? Thought so.) ]

[Emil opens one eye to look at the other young man.]

If you say so, you're just shivering a lot. I don't want you to get sick or something.

[It's said in a sincere enough tone, just an expression of concern. But after he sees Soren take the blanket, he feels satisfied enough to close his eyes again and focus on moving time forward. And when things start to change around them, he feels it in his gut more than he feels any real change in his surroundings. But when he opens his eyes, the scene has changed. It's daytime again, and the past version of Emil is squatting in front of a road sign with a map spread out in front of him, and talking. In fact, holding what seems to be a one-sided conversation with no one.

Emil feels his cheeks warm a bit.]

I'm not talking to myself, just so you know. This was when Lalli started talking to me in my head. But we were...we were really lost. I didn't think they would wait for us...the rest of the team, you know. They'd think we were dead.

[One blink later and his vision shutters to daylight, the air crisp and much fresher. Immediately he starts assessing his new surroundings. Soren manages to get away with keeping the blanket after all. It's good that dream logic is working in his favor. He draws it around himself like a makeshift cloak. It's... musty, but he can deal.

He listens at first to the memory's Emil, then the present version's mildly sheepish explanation.]

Don't worry. You mentioned before that he would start talking to you, so I was expecting I might see something like this. [And they had no way of contacting each other like via the handy watches that the Coven gives out. The communications technology must be more like what he is used to. What dire but unusual straits.] For how long did you have to wander this way?

Edited 2020-04-24 05:53 (UTC)

[This is another moment that he remembers distinctly and with that familiar sinking swoop in his gut. Remembers how he'd been hopeful that Sigrun and the rest would wait for them, that they'd believe Emil and Lalli were still alive and stay behind to wait for them, only for Lalli to tell him they would be stupid to wait. To ask him if he thought they were that stupid. Emil hadn't, and so a lot of his hope had gone.

For a moment, he stands there, wallowing in that moment, remembering that moment of misery before he'd steeled himself and moved on to assert that they'd meet the group at the pickup point instead.]

That was a pretty bad moment. We were far away from where we needed to be, the current brought us in exactly the opposite direction, and like Lalli said, they'd be stupid to wait for us. They'd assume we were dead.

[Emil shifts uncomfortably, momentarily unable to explain why that had bothered him so much, why being left behind and given up on had hurt so deeply for a few moments before he'd pushed on. It had made him feel small. Unimportant. Reminded him of all the times his parents hadn't shown up for dinner or holidays or forgotten his birthday.]

Anyway, that sucked, but we kept going. No big deal. It isn't like we'd just give up, you know?

[It isn't perfect, but the brave, confident front is pretty convincing.]

[Soren has always been more perceptive than most, has gotten used to Emil's patterns just enough to get the idea that he didn't actually feel all that brave and confident, only that he should have been. It wasn't 'no big deal'. Bluster: he's seen so much of it before during wartime, invisible armor to protect against a volley of uncertainties that could break someone down if allowed to penetrate too deeply. But in a matter of life or death, one can't afford to waver or let fear hold them back too much. Out of idle curiosity for geographical perspective, Soren wanders over to the Emil of the past and casually peers over his shoulder at the map overlaid across the ground.]

If it were me, I would probably say the same thing.

Edited 2020-04-24 06:58 (UTC)

[When Emil sees Soren looking at the map, he comes over and leans down a bit to peer at it, mouth pursed.]

It's called Denmark, where we are.

[Leaning in further, he points out the spot they're in right now, and then slides his finger just above the surface of the map until it's hovering over the pickup point.]

This is where we are right now, and we have to get over there. It's about a two day walk, at my pace. I'm not the fastest, but I was really determined to not be left behind, and not to leave Lalli either. I'm really glad I didn't give up.

[A pause, and he exhales a little shakily.]

You'd say the same? You mean about not giving up?

[Suddenly, there is quite a lot of Emil crowded in one place, Soren in the midst of them. For a fleeting moment he is pulled from his study to glance up at the absurdity of this situation he half-caused. Only now that the "real" Emil is involved does he feel the faint swelter of personal boundaries being squeezed. It's not enough to bother him more than a tinge. Just something he's not used to, a proximity he reserves. He thinly tolerates their huddle and watches him trace a distance across Denmark with open ears.

Oh. So it's not Sweden.]

I would say that, too, of course. But I would also tell you not to count on them waiting if you're easy to presume dead.

[The Greil Mercenaries have needed to make the same sorts of choices in the past, choices to minimize losses while achieving objectives, even if it meant some members of the group would be put at greater risk. If the expedition crew needed to get moving under the duress of time and dangers like the one Lalli felled, it would be best to begrudgingly move forward while accepting loss — loss they should already be prepared to face. But Soren has seen that no matter how prepared one may think they are to lose someone they love, someone they've grown attached to, they will never be ready when it happens. That sort of grief can weigh even heavier on a close-knit band... but a close-knit band can also provide effective support during that period of heartache. It brings him to wonder about the part of Emil's team he hasn't seen.]

How was your team cohesion? Were you close with your group, or...

[It doesn't really occur to him that he might be crowding Soren too much, mostly because he's interested in sharing where they are and what's going on, so the other young man can understand what it is he's seeing. Once that's done, at least, he steps back and sighs, looking around the area.

Soren's confirmation that he would have also told him not to count on them waiting if he's presumed dead. It hurts, leaves him with that sinking feeling of being left behind that he'd had before, and this time he puts his finger on it - as much as he knows better, it felt like not being important enough to wait for. That feeling concerns him enough that it doesn't really register that the people leaving him behind might be hurting as well.]

Yeah. I guess you're right. Either way, it doesn't matter because we did end up making it back in time, as you can tell, since I'm in Aefenglom and not dead in the wastes of Denmark's Silent World. And...

[A pause as he actually considers that question.]

We're a good team. It isn't as if we're super emotional, crying all over each other all the time about our problems, but we took care of each other and had each others' backs.

They must have been relieved to find that the two of you had survived.

[It's only a brief description, but it paints enough of a picture for Soren to decide that a team like that would be grateful for their return, even beyond the mere utility of having more teammates to bolster them. His eyes rove across foreign land and names of cities until the Emil who spread it open to begin with picks it up off the ground and shoves it in his face.

It... phases right through him, of course, but it's enough to make him instinctively flinch and back off a little and bump right into the very corporeal Emil with a soft 'oof'. Embarrassed, he frowns, backs off, and murmurs a quick apology while watching... Emil show an unconscious body a map?]

Uh... What are you doing? He can't see that, can he?

[He's a little peeved at this Emil, even though it's in the past and logically has nothing to do with him, so Emil couldn't have possibly been trying to offend him by making a fool out of him by making a fool of himself. Still... c'est la vie.]</small.

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[open] i really don't care about nothing at all but i think the world of you

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