middaeg | [Open] February Catch-All

Entry tags:

[Open] February Catch-All | Pegasus Moon

Who: Lorenz Hellman Gloucester + Open (with potential closed starters as needed)
When: Full Moon and after
Where: Throughout Aefenglom
What: Lorenz finds himself facing the consequences of not having his priorities straight.
Warnings: Possible body horror. Will update as needed.

A

[It was a miscalculation.

That was what he would tell himself later, after the dust had settled. It was a miscalculation of a variety of factors that he had neither predicted nor given the appropriate weight in his planning. The first was finding others from his land with yet a different set of memories than the ones he had already encountered, and navigating the particular frustration of not being able to determine who among them was friend or foe. The second, Lapis Lazuli. The ferocity of the rage that boiled within her was far more intense than he had realized, and it was a disruption in the plans he was trying to pursue with her. As much as he wanted to trust her as an equal, for the moment that was impossible. The third...

Marianne.

In an ideal setting, they would have been of similar age and had met with the same trials. She would have faced the darkness inside her heart and made peace with it, and they could have moved forward. But she had arrived in this realm as she was five years prior-- seemingly fragile, certainly untempered, and as liable to shy away as she was to explode in her fear. That alone would have been enough to still Lorenz's own plans, but then she had been taken. Taken, and forced to endure an untold number of disrespects that she was still reluctant to speak of. She, among all of those in this realm from Fodlan, had faced the most trauma in Aefenglom.

And yet, she was the least able to accept the final verdict delivered by the judge.

Knowing all of this in his heart, Lorenz was faced with a singular certainty that she needed his protection. But, that certainty was coupled with the fact that he felt he could not interfere.

He itched to write something-- a poem. Anything. 'Amid time’s flow I mourn bonds I’m not sure I can ever rend...' It left an unsettled feeling in his fingers that crept up his arms and firmly clenched his swiftly beating heart in it's fist, binding him to it's will.

At least he had the foresight to lock the bedroom door. Stocked in his personal quarters were sundry items that he suspected he would need until dawn--

But, it wasn't enough.

The wave of pain that met his body as he caught a glimpse of the full moon slowly dawning over the horizon had him biting his tongue in shock. Hands clenched tightly upon the rails of his bed in a white knucked bid for support as his knees buckled beneath him, changing configuration into something wholly unfamiliar. His ears burned, his vision blurred--

Amid the disjointed thoughts that rolled in a tangle in his mind was one recurring thread: Marianne. He couldn't let Marianne see him like this.

He knew he shouldn't be alone. Yet, unbonded as he was, he had no choice.

Finding his footing, Lorenz took the only course he could think of: Flee. Throwing the window to his bedroom wide open, Lorenz leapt for the freedom of the night. The late winter chill of the wind helped him have a grip on his intention, kept his awareness sharp.

Thus, with an inhuman stillness he crept through the shadows of the city, intent on making it to his destination unimpeded: The Harbor.

The salty air at the docks, the frigid bite of the sea, would surely help.]

B

[It was a miscalculation, yet here he was.

Lorenz sat on the edge of the dock, wrapped in a blanket he had procured from parts unknown while his unfamiliar feet dangled in the empty space wrought by low tide. His silken hair hung in his face and clung to the ears that now twitched in the cold breeze, tangled with muck and dirt that Lorenz was too hesitant to attempt to define. Uncomfortable and exhausted, Lorenz squinted out over the crisp horizon while he attempted to ignore the hollow feeling in his chest and the distinct knowledge that he was certain his flight from Haven had not been as clean as he had wished.

People had seen him. They had to. If they hadn't, they surely would in the near future.

Huffing irritably, Lorenz idly picked at the delicate swatches of velvet that were now hanging from his antlers.]

This must make quite a sight,

[He mused darkly, bitterly. After spending so much time keeping his appearances in a perfectly coiffed illusion of grandeur, Lorenz knew there was no coming back from this.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Lorenz wilted under the directed attention, suddenly found himself unable to make eye contact with the young Emperor that he was still learning to trust. It had been the same with Claude and the others from the Alliance for a long while-- Lorenz had found himself willing to help, but unable to trust until he had full certainty of where everyone stood.

He was beginning to understand Edelgard-- but it had been too little too late in this instance.]

Please, spare me a lecture. I'm well aware of how poorly I calculated this.

[He thought he had more time.]

Edited 2020-02-11 22:20 (UTC)

No.

[Edelgard's reply is crisp and curt, her attention unwavering. If he was going to act the fool, then he was going to hear exactly what she thought of that, and her reasoning for it.]

You are a smart man, Lorenz, and I think you need to hear this even if you do not like it. This level of carelessness is not something I would expect from you. You put not only yourself, but others at risk by not finding a bond and containing some of the urges I know quite well you are feeling.

[How does she know? Well, she felt them too. And she sated herself, gorged herself even, before allowing herself to so much as leave her room during a full moon.]

You can plan and prepare for these things, and you should have found a bond by now.

[The words, though cutting, were nothing if not true. Though a part of Lorenz balked at the unrelenting authority in her tone and wanted to protest that not even Claude would have spoken with such finality, he knew that arguments were futile.

She was right, after all.

Making a conscious effort to steady his shaking fingers, Lorenz sought to find a footing on the weathered, uneven wood of the dock.]

There were... attempts.

[He said, more bluntly than he had intended.]

Possibilities. None worked.

[And, for the one that could have... he was almost certain he would have drowned in the unfathomable depths of her rage.

Finding a solid point to anchor himself, he slowly-- painfully-- pushed himself upright.]

...Lady Edelgard. What I've sought is to stand equal with another. Not to coddle or be coddled. That... would not be sustainable.

[His knees shook beneath him, but he had to stand. Even at his lowest, he still had his pride.]

[Edelgard met him with a steady, unyielding gaze of her own. He could be as blunt and proud as he needed to be, it would simply roll off of her as a wave would off a rocky coast. It was his choice, and while she thought a simple nudge might do it, she was not going to push him too hard on this.]

I understand that need. Perhaps better than most.

[She would not abide being coddled. Not after everything.]

But you do know that a bond need not be sustained forever, yes? I have temporarily bonded with Princess Azura to assist in stabilizing her. You could easily find another to do the same, if only for a time until you make a connection.

Your need to not be coddled is not more important than your sanity, and the safety of those around you.

Princess Azura?

[The name was familiar-- and he thought of the young woman with the auburn hair and the soft brown eyes he had met out in the city when the new Mirror Bound had started arriving.]

She's Lady Corrin and Lady Sakura's... sister.

[Edelgard's dedication to duty knew no bounds. Even amidst the unsettled nerves that he was fighting against, he found his respect growing for Edelgard.]

I am aware of this, but I... didn't wish to impose.

She is that. And she's a friend, as well. I could do no less.

[She had carried Azura out of that dungeon, just like Marianne. A temporary bond was something that she could do, and gladly, if it meant a means to ease the suffering of a friend.]

I would suggest that you consider imposition, Lorenz. There is no shame in being one among many in need. And anything you take you will return to your Bonded, regardless. Witches need them as much as we do.

[He cast her an incredulous look. Imposing upon anyone was a cardinal sin in his mind-- whether it be in the form of making a nuisance of yourself while under someone's hospitality or placing too many demands upon their shoulders. Even with the give and take, it was quite a bit to consider. Clinging to his blanket, he swayed unsteadily on his feet.]

That may be... but, you know yourself. It is unwise to entrust too many others with sensitive details.

[Like his own private sentiments. Like disrupting his occasional need for privacy.]

I do know myself. And I know that none of the bonds I have taken, I have taken lightly. Hubert and Corrin were necessities. Azura needed the stability, and I admit to having been shaken by recent events, myself.

[So she needed it too.]

You need to face the facts. You need a bond, and anyone would be lucky to have someone as understanding of the meaning of propriety about it as you.

[He had known that, rationally. It was his own worries about impropriety, the safety of others, and opening himself up to be used by others as his father had used him that had him holding out for an appropriate partner. Additionally Edelgard's words rang true; events from the last month had affected more than just those taken.

Everyone had felt the impact of those crimes.

He chuckled wryly and pushed the flyaway hair from his face.]

You're correct. You always are. In the midst of caring for others-- [Like Lapis. Like Marianne--] I neglected to see to my own needs.

[Edelgard nods firmly, no small degree of certainty in the gesture. It's not as though she likes to see him, or anyone, like this. She's not the petty and vindictive person some might think her to be. She's just truly concerned, and honestly given the rate at which people here seemed to find themselves in some sort of horrible danger, who could blame her?]

You have. And it's a matter you intend to rectify, yes?

[Or will she have to push him to do something about it?]

[A sigh. At that point, it was only pride that kept him standing-- and he knew that Edelgard could see that. Her discretion, her choice words, were appreciated.]

...I will speak to Sylvain when next we meet. Unlikely as it is, there's a chance he hasn't bonded with every attractive woman he's met in the last several days.

[And, after that, there was a bridge he intended to repair.]

Good.

[She's not going to give him platitudes or even very much praise. This is something that he should have done a long time ago, to avoid putting himself and others at risk. As nice as she can be, there are times when being hard is better. This is one such time.]

Anything you can do, even temporarily, to alleviate the possibility of an outburst is a wise decision.

[He wanted neither platitudes nor praise. He didn't wish to coddle or to be coddled. What he wanted was the assurance that there was at least someone in this world with which he didn't need to keep the carefully crafted mask of Duty upon his person at all times-- the assurance that there was someone he could be real with.

Hubert and Felix's lack of patience for pettiness was appreciated, but there was still that distance between them. Sylvain was Sylvain-- Lorenz knew for a fact that the man had sides to himself that were yet unknown to those outside of Faerghus, and which were likely to be unsightly to those who had not grown up within the northern lands of Gautier and Fraldarius. Only time would reveal the true nature of those secrets.

After a point, he had managed to reach that level with Claude. It had taken years before he could accept the outsider who would become Duke, but the trust had come through careful observation of character. Even after what he had learned from Edelgard and his own theories about Claude, the man was in still many ways an enigma.

But, he was more real than the dozens of others within the upper echelons of the Liecester Alliance.

Edelgard. She was real.

Taking a bleary look around for obvious dangers, Lorenz took a halting, unsteady step forward. It hurt... but...]

It-- it will be--

[--Another miscalculation. In the shadows of the docks and the blurry unfamiliarity of his vision, his hoof had caught onto a splintered hole in the wood. He started to go down, with only one thought in his mind:

'This is unfortunate.']

[Fuck.

That's the only thing Edelgard can even think when Lorenz takes a tumble.

There aren't really any good options. She could let him fall, and that would probably hurt him, and his trust in her. Or she could catch him, and that would mean she's touching someone.

It is only a momentary struggle, but it is one all the same, her mass of internalized problems making it hard to just help for no reason.

But in the end, she stoops and catches his shoulder with her own before he can tumble down, and then heaves him up right.]

...Take it slowly, Lorenz.

[--She was stronger than she looked.

Lorenz should have expected that. Edelgard was like Hilda; both had the appearances of being delicate, but were strong enough to grapple terrified horses back into order-- or arm wrestle with Raphael-- underneath the pristine, finely starched linens of their clothes. Shaking his head, he managed to clear his vision enough to find her gaze in the moonlight.]

...You're beautiful, [He uttered before he could stop the words-- and regretted such boldness instantly. Flustered, he huffed as he held fast to her sturdy shoulder and tried to right himself.]

Thank you, [Lorenz said once he found a semblence of solid footing.] This... will not be a simple task.

[She carries a gigantic fuck-off axe and is also a vampire. It probably should have been obvious that Edelgard was no ordinary woman, even more than Hilda right now.

His words are equally unexpected though, but she doesn't say anything yet. She just hoists him to his feet and does her best to steady him.]

It's alright. We all fall down sometimes, in one way or another.

[We all need someone to pick up the pieces, she leaves unsaid.]

[It was one matter to rationally understand a concept; it was another to experience it for yourself.

Besides, Hilda would have had the indecency to tuck him under an arm and haul him around like a sack of garbage-- Edelgard had surpassed the other petite axe wielder in reliability, etiquette, and temper some time ago.]

...Not like this.

[Not him. Not in a situation where none of them had any sense of control. Underneath those words was an unspoken plea, one that was echoed in how he gripped her in his hands: please don't leave yet.]

[Edelgard looked down at his hands, and gently...gently...pulled free of them. She put her own hands on his shoulders to steady him, but there was no way she could comfortably let him take her in his arms. Internally she was already screaming at the unfamiliar touch, and it took so, so much control to keep from saying something, or shaking.]

Steady yourself. Take deep breaths. Everything will be okay. You just took a tumble.

--Several, it seems.

[At least he was standing, which was a small blessing in his opinion. The advent of the hooves and the attendant changes that came with them had altered several key factors-- his center of balance, the actual motions required to walk, his height. Between the natural changes from this shift and Edelgard's inherently petite stature, Lorenz had his doubts about how this was even going to work.

But he didn't press. Even with the multiple uncertainties he was struggling to balance both literally and metaphorically, he could see that the bounds of politeness had been breached.

The one thing he knew for certain about Edelgard was that she was a very private person.]

I feel like I finally understand what a spooked pegasus is thinking, [He murmured, half in irritation and half in dismay.] Hmn. Would that Raphael was here.

[At least then he wouldn't have to think; the veritable ox of an earnest and kind young man would have scooped the both of them up and carried them off with the intent to feed them a solid meal.]

[Oh...would that he was, indeed. He'd know what to do, and he'd know better how to handle Lorenz at all. As it stood, Edelgard just did her best to keep him steady. As hard as that was give the enormous height difference.]

If it feels like a pegasus that's upset then perhaps a breathing exercise would help?

[That she does know. It's kept her from panicking more than once when something unexpected happened that triggered her anxiety.]

Slow, steady breaths is good to calm most episodes like that.

Slow... and steady.

[He had never been one who was much inclined to panic; the frustrations he felt whenever Manuela teased him about his writings were because of the deeply personal nature of the poetry, not the fact that he was necessarily nervous about them being read. They were rough and unpolished, not intended for a public audience.

But Edelgard's voice was calm, her words sensible. There was no reason not to try.

Briefly checking their immediate surroundings for threats, just to satisfy his own lingering questions, Lorenz gave in to trust and closed his eyes. Slowly he breathed, uncertain about what he should have been doing.

Closing his awareness from one of his senses gave him more mental space to work, however. He could do this.]

See? Just keep going, Lorenz. Push out all of your worries, let it all go.

[A very simple exercise indeed. Something that would hopefully help him, or at least steady his step.]

You're going to be alright. This is normal for fauns.

That's... what I've heard.

[He continues with the breathing, actively working on releasing some of the tension from his body while he thought of the various other fauns he had met since arriving. They all had, at some point or another, faced difficulty in adjusting to the inevitable changes.

Small fortune it was that he had thought ahead and bought himself a pair of trousers to accomodate. Little good that did him in the moment, as they were safely tucked away in his closet.]

[It's good though, that his current pants were more like Hulk's pants. Lest there be a true problem...]

It will be well, Lorenz. Just practice taking a few steps, and it will be well.

[Ugh. Don't remind him.

Steeling his nerves under Edelgard's guidance, Lorenz followed her suggestion and gingerly took a couple steps along the wooden dock. The flow of the tide made him feel unsteady, but the firm posts-- and Edelgard's hand-- helped him feel more confident.]

Yes... This is going to take time, but yes.

[Open] February Catch-All | Pegasus Moon

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