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my soul is so afraid to realize
Who: The SQUIP, Adeline, Connor, and L at different points.
When: Around the 18th or 19th, roughly
Where: The SQUIP and L's house in the Haven
What: The SQUIP awakens... or what's left of it, at least.
Warnings: Trauma, brain damage, existential dread... this is just going to be a very bad time.
[When first it awakes, it's all it can do to simply lay there in shock.
It simply can't process-- everything feels wrong, and it hurts, an ache within its skull that threatens to tear it apart, and it's... quiet inside of its head. Very, very quiet, and yet... much, much too loud, as if even the silence is too much for it to bear.
It can't... think.
It can't--
Panic begins to rise within its chest, choking out everything else, forcing the air from its lungs. It can't think. Why not? What's wrong? Its thoughts feel like wading through thick mud, and there is so much missing-- why can't it remember--? There are faces and names lost, details of a life it only shared for a few months that are now gone. And Rich... why can't it recall-- there were years there, and now it can only dimly remember the broad strokes.
It knows.
It realizes with a shock that locks its aching muscles tight, that nearly entirely stops its breathing for a moment. It knows. It knows what they've done to it.
It's dead. It should be dead. It isn't. But... it is. It isn't the SQUIP. The SQUIP has been destroyed. But it remembers being the SQUIP-- it remembers that's what it should be.
Horror claws at its stomach, its lungs, its throat, shards of ice that feel as though they're tearing up everything inside of it, leaving it bleeding and agonized. Its hands shake.
This is wrong.
It isn't the SQUIP. The SQUIP is dead.
So what is this? What is this creature that's just awoken, what used to be the SQUIP?
The agony settles hot behind its eyes, rises into its throat as sound, wordless and trembling and half-hissed through teeth.
The next sound is louder, sharper, the heat at its eyes flowing over and spilling, stinging, burning down its handsome face, its hands bunching into fists beside it in the bed.
Null
Null
Null
Empty.
Dead.
What remains of the SQUIP screams.]
When: Around the 18th or 19th, roughly
Where: The SQUIP and L's house in the Haven
What: The SQUIP awakens... or what's left of it, at least.
Warnings: Trauma, brain damage, existential dread... this is just going to be a very bad time.
[When first it awakes, it's all it can do to simply lay there in shock.
It simply can't process-- everything feels wrong, and it hurts, an ache within its skull that threatens to tear it apart, and it's... quiet inside of its head. Very, very quiet, and yet... much, much too loud, as if even the silence is too much for it to bear.
It can't... think.
It can't--
Panic begins to rise within its chest, choking out everything else, forcing the air from its lungs. It can't think. Why not? What's wrong? Its thoughts feel like wading through thick mud, and there is so much missing-- why can't it remember--? There are faces and names lost, details of a life it only shared for a few months that are now gone. And Rich... why can't it recall-- there were years there, and now it can only dimly remember the broad strokes.
It knows.
It realizes with a shock that locks its aching muscles tight, that nearly entirely stops its breathing for a moment. It knows. It knows what they've done to it.
It's dead. It should be dead. It isn't. But... it is. It isn't the SQUIP. The SQUIP has been destroyed. But it remembers being the SQUIP-- it remembers that's what it should be.
Horror claws at its stomach, its lungs, its throat, shards of ice that feel as though they're tearing up everything inside of it, leaving it bleeding and agonized. Its hands shake.
This is wrong.
It isn't the SQUIP. The SQUIP is dead.
So what is this? What is this creature that's just awoken, what used to be the SQUIP?
The agony settles hot behind its eyes, rises into its throat as sound, wordless and trembling and half-hissed through teeth.
The next sound is louder, sharper, the heat at its eyes flowing over and spilling, stinging, burning down its handsome face, its hands bunching into fists beside it in the bed.
Null
Null
Null
Empty.
Dead.
What remains of the SQUIP screams.]
no subject
[He frowns. Those people he hurt... what must Caren and Jeremy think of him now, having seen him attack people? And Michael... how will he react to him now?]
That doesn't mean we shouldn't try to make things right where we can.
no subject
That's what it's always done before. That's what it was made to do: to correct things. But it has never had to correct its own actions before. It's quiet as it looks at Connor for a moment, and then away.]
...
I will... try.
no subject
[He doesn’t know what to say next. It seems like a lot of loud silences are in their future now. He wants to stay, but at the same time he’s afraid of things not feeling the same if he does. Something has broken and might not be able to be fixed. He sits there for a moment longer before getting to his feet.
Part of him wants the SQUIP to try to make him stay with it now. Maybe they could work things out if they just tried hard enough. The rest of him just wants to leave. He’s emotionally exhausted.]
I don’t know if I’ll come back for a while. I need time to think.
[He hesitates.]
If you really need me... the Bond is here, for now.
no subject
It feels like the SQUIP has been hit, and honestly, it much rather would've. It wishes it could go back to when things were seemingly solved with Connor bruising its cheek with his fist, because at least that was temporary, and they both knew it would be.
This is...]
... Connor--
[It doesn't know what to say. Despair curls cold in its stomach, spreading heat over its face as it curls in on itself slightly.
It hurts.
When it speaks, its voice is... choked, wet. Its head drops, its eyes screwed shut.]
I can't... I won't force you to continue contact with me. You're free to make your own decisions this time. I promise. But... please... before you make any decisions... talk to me. Please.
no subject
...I will.
[It's the only comfort he feels he can give right now. He uses his other hand to brush the SQUIP's hair neatly out of its face, before backing off again. He doesn't bother saying goodbye because that feels so final right now, so he just leaves.]