middaeg | October catch-all [closed]

...You're right.

[ flat sighs, looking quite dejected as he listens to berserker. the point he makes is crystal clear and easy to understand, even for someone like himself. however, that's what makes this all the more difficult-- he feels like the stakes are too high. ]

It's just that you don't get how important he is. He was the first person to see me as a human, instead of a terrifying monster or whatever my parents thought I was. But now I feel like I let him down, you know? That maybe I am a monster--mister Andersen did say something about that, actually. How I was a monster with a sliver of humanity or something weird like that. But I guess it's not so weird, now that this happened.

[ he chuckles, mostly to himself as he turns to look up at berserker with a somewhat nervous expression. ] I gotta do something one way or another though, right? I don't want to lose him, so I'm gonna have to talk to him eventually.

I wouldn't say you're a monster because you're feeling remorse for your actions. A monster wouldn't care for the damage done nor be worried about how to fix it. A monster would just carry on the same as before without any concerns.

[ Berserker has been called a monster before and that used to be accurate. He would kill and kill and kill with ruthless efficiency and no mercy. The way he treated people didn't matter because he felt nothing. It's different now that he's at least capable of feeling something like caring and concern for those he's close to. ]

But yes, you'll need to talk to him eventually or you will lose him.

Hmmm...I think that’s all thanks to the Professor’s influence.

[ flat thinks for a while, perhaps trying to set his emotions and thoughts somewhat in order. ]

Without that, I’d just be the way I was during the mist—maybe even worse. But he taught me differently, and I want to follow his teachings through. Having lost that, although it was just for a few days, is something that’s really scary to me.

[ Berserker isn't really good at dealing with situations like this. Interpersonal relationships are still weird for him. He's not one to be giving advice on these sorts of matters. So he sits in silence for bit, unsure of what to say. Anything he can say will probably only make matters worse. ]

Now that you have it back, hold onto it. Don't let that control go. Fight for it.

[ But to the actual problem that needs to be dealt with... ]

As I said before, Waver will be embarrassed and it sounds like he attacked you first. He went after me, too...So he's not going to hold it against you for defending yourself. If you want to fix what happened, you'll have to confront it eventually.

You're absolutely right, Berserker! Maybe you should be a counselor or something, you're pretty good with advice!

[ is that a joke, or is it honest? it could be either or, but flat looks rather happy now, despite the heavy topic in hand and it is no doubt thanks to berserker's help.

he leans against the wooden railing of the dock, glancing at him with a smile. ]

When I do that, can you be there with me? You don't have to if you don't want to, but it would probably make me happy.

I only tell people what they need to hear whether or not they want to hear it.

[ That's how he sees it, anyway. He doesn't quite see it as advice, either, more as a judgement. He's good at seeing through to a person's weaknesses and tearing at them. ]

... If I'm not busy, I can do that for you.

You would? That'd be great!

[ flat grins at him excitedly, clearly happy to have heard that. just that alone is enough to improve his mood. ]

I really don't mind it when people are honest, you know? It makes things so much easier to understand, really. People like you, Jack and the Professor, who don't hold back with their feelings and thoughts, are definitely my favorite.

[ It still surprises him that people appreciate his bluntness. Flat is not the first person to say as much and it still catches him off-guard. He's so used to people getting defensive or angry about it that a positive reception is weird. ]

Good, because I have no intention of holding back. If it bothered you, then we'd have a problem.

[ flat can't help but chuckle at that. ]

Well no need to hold back with me! [ wait. he pauses. ] Unless it's in an actual fight, then I'd rather not do that at all. Because I wouldn't stand a chance.

You're an ally. I have no reason to fight you. [ Spoken with finality. If his Madness Enhancement were still in full effect, it would mean that much more. ] So you don't need to worry about that.

[ flat smiles when berserker says that. though he's certain that the taller man doesn't remember when he referred to him as a 'friend' during their mist encounter, being an ally is just as good for him. ]

If you think so, then that makes me really happy. It's been kinda lonely without Ja- Berserker around, so the fact that I've been able to meet you makes it a lot better. Maybe one day you'll meet? I think you'd get along.

[ He doesn't. Most of what he remembers is the gruesome work he did, Flat's presence, and not knowing why he was covered in blood later or whose it even was. The gaps in his memory are a source of frustration. ]

...You treat your Servant more like an ally than a tool, don't you?

[ His own Master did that, too, even if he found it foolish. His attitude has changed towards that somewhat, though he never wants to return to being a Servant ever again. He wants nothing to do with that world anymore, not now that he has a purpose in life. ]

Would he be jealous, do you think? Berserkers aren't the most sane...Though yours sounds like an exception.

Hmm... I think it's more than that, really. But you've never had friends before coming here, have you? So an ally is a good way to put it.

[ even if flat's original wish when arriving at snowfield was to 'befriend all the servants', he really does believe that there is something special about the bond that he shares with his own.

nevertheless, he's not afraid of making a bond with someone similar-- another servant, another berserker-- to flat, they're two entirely different people. apples and oranges, so to say. ]

Why would they be jealous? People can have more than one friend. But maybe seeing them get grumpy wouldn't be so bad either, you know? [ he chuckles a bit to himself, and then glancing back to berserker. ] What about you? You're not jealous, are you?

No. I never had friends.

[ Though he had the memories of Cú Chulainn and the friendships that were important to him, they weren't really his, even if they felt like they were. Alter Servants have a difficult time reconciling what is truly their life. ]

And no. I'm not jealous, don't be ridiculous. Your Servant is your Servant. My summoner [ He's distancing himself from calling his former Master by that title. Refuse the role you were given. ] had many Servants under them. I was one of a considerable number. Jealousy is pointless.

[ Not to say there weren't jealous Servants, of course... ]

Oh, really?! That sounds so cool! To think that they would have the chance to make all those friends-- now I'm kind of jealous!

[ but he also looks incredibly excited, for someone that's supposedly jealous. in flat's defense, he's never really felt jealousy. ]

That's so neat, working together with so many people, I bet they were able to do anything they put their mind into. And you said it was considerable, huh? Man, I just wanted to befriend the other six Servants in my war but to think that they were capable of doing that--!! It's so exciting I can barely imagine it! I wish I could meet them- no, talk to them in person!

[ he is Incredibly excited about this novel concept of having many many servant friends ]

You'd get along, I'm sure...

[ Flat does remind him of Ritsuka without the attached baggage. The last thing he wants, though, is for his former Master to show up here. They would complicate things and even threaten what he has here. Berserker seems uneasy about this subject. ]

You're very similar in your attitudes on Servants.

Oh, mister Andersen said something like that as well! Was he one of those Servants as well?

[ flat, in a way, seems to understand that this must be some sort of a touchy subject for berserker. he's spoken to many servants since arriving here, like enkidu who felt lost without a master.

he can't help but feel curious about berserker's own opinions on the subject. ]

Do you like it? Being here instead of over there?

Yes, he was. There are a few of us from Chaldea here now.

[ And now for the elephant in the room. Berserker is an Alter Servant, which carries its own baggage. The circumstances of his original summoning are not pleasant and ones he has an active resentment of. ]

Yes. I prefer being here. I'm no longer just a tool for a mage to use. I have a life beyond who I'm not...A life beyond the circumstances of my summoning.

[ flat looks up at him curiously, unusually silent as berserker explains his opinion on the subject. it's something that makes his chest hurt a little, but in a good way. would this count as being bittersweet?

he doesn't understand everything. but what he does understand is what it's like to make a life for himself, outside everyone else's expectations. that is the biggest gift that he got from joining the el melloi classroom--the chance to be himself and not the bundle of failed expectations that his family and teachers had for him.

he smiles fondly up at berserker. ]

Then that's all that matters. And if they're really that similar to me, then I think that they'll be happy about this, too. Friends always want the best for each other, after all-- allies, too! I know I want the best for you, at least.

[ Would Ritsuka see it that way? Probably not with how Berserker would handle it: in the most callous way possible. They're used to his cruelty, though, so maybe they would. He doesn't want to think about it at all. His posture stiffens slightly the more he thinks about it.

He realizes he's been silent for some time and Flat's been looking at him. His gaze lowers to the other man finally. ]

... You barely know me. [ It's not harsh. It's the only reason he can think of why Flat would want something like that for him. ] I don't think I'll ever understand the way you think.

You helped me kill someone. Maybe you don't remember it, but I do. Clear as day.

[ flat says it lightly, with a laugh, even, as a reply to berserker's comment. it's not something that he would like to do again, both out of respect for his professor's beliefs and because it's something that doesn't bring him any sort of satisfaction.

beyond the life that they took, what really stood out for flat on that day was one single thing. ]

As we took the man, you called me a 'friend'. It probably doesn't matter to you that much since it's all a blur to you, but it meant a lot you know? I don't think anyone's ever outright called me their friend before. It probably has to do with what you just said-- no one really understands how I think. Usually people are scared of me because of that, my parents and former teachers included. But you aren't. And you don't know much about me either, do you?

[ and that, is what means the world to flat. to find those people that treat him like a person and not like some creature that needs to be observed under a microscope or poked with a 10 meter pole.

those people, like the two berserkers in his life, the professor, svin, reines, and gray-- they were the people he loved the most. ]

So that's why I want the best for you. Because you're an important friend, no matter what.

Edited 2019-10-27 02:22 (UTC)

[ He remembered pulling someone's spine out. He remembered going to Ozymandias' mansion covered in blood. He remembered Flat having some connect to all of this. The way he speaks it so plainly brings it all back to him. It doesn't bother him that he helped Flat murder someone, it bothers him that he doesn't remember doing it. Berserker goes silent at this revelation once again. ]

I know little about you, I just know that you're interesting and an idiot...If I called you a friend then, I suppose you are a friend now.

[ He closes his eyes for a moment. It's weird to be important to anyone, much less someone he's only recently met. It feels so alien when he's so used to pushing people away and keeping them there. He opens his eyes again with a quiet sigh. ]

...I'm dangerous to be around. Just keep that in mind.

Dangerous is fine. [ he waves a hand dismissively, as if berserker had just said something boring and mundane. ] Most of my friends are pretty dangerous too—Berserker included. They’re none other than Jack The Ripper, after all!

[ saying his servant’s true name out loud is just another proof of how much he trusts the berserker next to him. hearing him call him validate their friendship while calling him “interesting” and “an idiot”... flat couldn’t have asked for anything more.

and besides, he has a slight feeling that he might be dangerous himself, if that mist was any proof of it. ]

But I trust you the same way I trust them. And if you do hurt me, then we’ll figure that out when
if it happens. Or maybe we can get into danger together, huh?

I will never hurt an ally, so you have nothing to fear from me there. As for getting into danger together...If you drag me into it, I'll have no choice but to follow.

[ Jack the Ripper...A Berserker? The Jack he knew of was an Assassin and a little girl, at that. Heroic Spirits can take many forms, so it doesn't surprise him terribly. The fact that Flat said that at all is such a massive sign of trust, he can only return it. ]

... My True Name is Cú Chulainn, but I'm an Alter Servant. I'm an impossibility. I was given a different name by Caster before the mist descended on the city: Ciarán Cú. You may call me Cú, if you wish.

I don't think I'd be afraid of you either way.

[ flat chuckles. the idea of being afraid of berserker--no, cu-- is something that would be simple for anyone. common sense, even. a tall, cold brooding dragon-man with a penchant for hoarding bones is enough to make anyone in their right mind tremble in their boots.

flat could not think of a better friend to make in this world. finding an existence as impossible as his own, with an identity that only served to cause him grief and confusion in a world that sees things differently than he does.

he has no doubt that cu's viewpoint will also be much different than his own, but that's fine. just this is enough for him. ]

My real name isn't Flat. It's just a name that I gave myself when I left my parents' house to protect myself--but I've grown to like it a lot since then. So I guess we're in a similar boat, huh?

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