Entry tags:
- * event,
- dragon prince: viren,
- elfen lied: kaede,
- fe: azura,
- ffvii: zack fair,
- ffxiii: oerba yun fang,
- fgo: antonio salieri,
- fgo: arthur pendragon,
- fgo: cu chulainn,
- fgo: cu chulainn alter,
- fgo: ozymandias,
- fgo: scathach,
- fgo: wolfgang amadeus mozart,
- fsn: archer (emiya),
- fz: waver velvet,
- good omens: aziraphale,
- harry potter: theseus scamander,
- iris zero: asahi yuki,
- loz oot: zelda,
- lwa: ursula callistis,
- mc: steve rogers,
- mc: tony stark,
- mtg: liliana vess,
- original: asura,
- original: sokie undertown,
- resident evil: chris redfield,
- rwby: emerald sustrai,
- sekiro: wolf,
- star ocean: nel zelpher,
- steven universe: peridot,
- the witcher: geralt of rivia,
- trails: elliot craig,
- trails: rean schwarzer,
- trails: towa herschel,
- vampire: the fledgling,
- voltron: allura
☆ Event: A Tale of Two Cities
I. THE TRIP OUT
She's of a medium size, able to hold her crew and half of the assigned dignitaries with little trouble, and from top to bottom the moose-like Faun of a captain calls her a seaborn miracle; short of a sea wyrm, she's never faltered nor fled the waves, but he'll admit that she's been more a fishing boat than anything the past couple years. Judging from the way his tuffed tail lashes in excitement, he's thrilled to be out on a real voyage again -- even if it's to those notoriously unfriendly blokes 'round the corner of the map, haven't been in decades time and they've always been up their own arses about this and that. While dignitaries are supposed to relax the best they can on the four day trip, the captain doesn't seem to mind offering work to those interested in learning the way of the sea or with the know-how already, eagerly asking the Mirrorbound about their experiences beyond the glass... much more than he is about talking about himself outside of his ship, who he loves a great deal and sings the praises of up and down the hour, through sea shanty and spoken word. His large antlers don't seem to get in the way of his work nor bar him from getting in and out his quarters, but watch out! They are large and they do hurt. All's not well going to and from Dorchacht, though, as while the waters are safer than the land by far, there's plenty of dangers within the deep: Infected Merrow swim in the shallows, singing sweetly from rocks that jut out at the shore, and some more adventurous ones try their luck closer to the boat too. The captain's Navigator, a Witch with just as rowdy an attitude if more polite a tone, can manage a deafening spell on the ship to keep any from falling seaward, but asks that those who can to rid the ship of those terrible pests, whether by cannon, magic, or something else similarly ranged. Oh, it'd be perfectly alright if they killed them, plenty of them out here in the sea and growing ever more, but if they simply want to scare them off then by all means! There's also all manner of sea beasts as well, from krakens on the smaller side to the mentioned sea wyrms earlier, though the captain'll say that they're just babies compared to the mother he'd faced last year -- still troublesome little bastards, best put down before they're drowned themselves, but nothing to turn tail at. Outside of these... troubles... there's disorderly sailors of Monster and Witch alike, the former being compromised primarily of Turnskin and Faun for heavy lifting, with a Harpy in the crow's nest to help with speed, and the latter being those specializing in Divination and Astrology for directions, as well as some elemental manipulation from the Evocation course. Unlike the proper Coven trained, they seem like they're a little more unconventional with their magics, using "shortcuts" and combining spells to great effect. When they're not on the clock as it were they enjoy a great deal of ale, howling stories and song, pushing each other around whilst the journey's bright and startlingly serious when things turn south. Be careful you don't get in a fight, or perhaps you'd like to show your stuff in a little competition: They're willing to do anything to pass the time. b. ESPIONAGE: THE DEVICE
While not exactly the largest device around, it's one that stands out. Something resembling a Tesla coil stands atop the piece of tech, tall enough to almost reach the ceiling of the rather tall room, and various dials and knobs and gauges adorn the outside of it. Those who are perceptive to magic - training in detection spells, or who have a good sense for it, or even a sixth sense for something poised to happen - will be able to note that there's a sort of... presence in the room. It continues to build up, the more people that come in to investigate. Anyone that tinkers with it, has active magitech on their person, or even uses magic in it, only help to build the sensation. And then, when enough Mirrorbound of both the Witch and Monster persuasion are in the room - A whirring noise fills the room, as the device comes to life. There isn't any time to vacate the room, because whether it was an intentional thing to activate the teleporter or not, it's activated. The intention of using it for travel to Dorchacht remains embedded in it, and from one moment to the next, the group in the room find themselves not in the Coven, but in the midst of trees. All around you is the forest just beneath the cliffs outside of Dorchacht. In the distance, if one looks hard enough, they might be able to spot the Black City itself. Besides the storage room of the Coven vanishing in a flash of light and electricity, the device is absent, too. Some of its smaller parts can be found scattered in the craggy grass at your feet, in the roots of trees, as if it completely fell apart the moment that the magic was activated. Whatever you had on your person, when you left? It's all that you have, now. And there's no way back from here. |
II. DORCHACHT
While Aefenglom is known for its dusk-hued skies, made of lustrous pinks and purples and blues, this city is dreary to the core. The streets are covered in a perpetual fog, not unlike the city you hail from, but thicker, denser, tinged with the flavor of industrial smog from the factories whose spires you can see in the distance. Magitech lights - lanterns above doors, street posts, flickering in the windows you pass - illuminate everything throughout the entire day, as if the sunshine can't reach through the foreboding fog nor the onyx walls. Even the windows are barred, offering a paranoid protection against the outside world. Doors seem hardier, and each building is reinforced and protected in a way that may feel familiar to those that have encountered the protective magic wards. They're heavier, leaving an almost ominous presence that causes unease to hang just as heavy in the air as the smog. The people of this city are just as dreary as the streets, though they do mill about with the same frequency as any city. Those from Aefenglom may recognize familiar faces, and they might find themselves looking twice at you, as if some part of them remembers you as well. Something seems... off, however. There are fewer Monsters in the streets than there were in the dream, though it isn't too hard to catch a glimpse of one here and there. The streets even seem a little more cleaned up than they once were, as one makes their way down them. At the heart of the city, dignitaries will be brought to the Coven. There, they're greeted by a slender and elegant woman, eyes bright and clever, but just as sharp as the red-lined smile that she offers her visitors. "Nerissa Bell," she begins, tone polite if clipped. There's the sense of a woman who won't waste words from her person, and she turns her eyes towards the dignitaries. "You must be the charges she spoke of. Mirrorbound, they call you?" A shallow inclination of her head, barely called respectful, as she smiles wider, in a way that would be kind if knives were made to be dull. "A pleasure. I am Morgana Drummond, head of the Coven here, and I welcome you to my city of Dorchacht, the safest haven against the Cwyld across all of our poor Geardagas."
There is a notable increase in guards, both around Morgana's person even within the Coven's walls, as well as the building itself. They seem to be in the business of keeping people on a kind of "railroaded" layout of the Coven building, but can be distracted for a quick peek -- the real help comes from those with triple stars hidden in plain sight, beneath the brims of hats and worn as idly jewelry and easily missed charms. These sympathizers will actively seek those out to speak with them, to let them know that even here there are those that would like to see change brought to Dorchacht, and assist in entering places that Mirrorbound otherwise would not be able to enter. Such as the library here, which contain higher level spells including the enchantments specific to the city walls. The history is just as muddled as it is in the later mentioned public library, the "when"s being vague and the like, but depicts Drummond's rise as the head of the Coven: She came to Dorchacht on a ship hailing from Aefenglom along with a number of other Witches and rose above the rest to become the esteemed leader she is now. Without her, many of the text will agree, Dorchacht would not be as it is now. Those with any notable signs of infection may be asked to step aside and allow Dorchacht's Witches to give them a check up -- better safe than sorry -- and this goes for Witches and Monsters alike. They'll be brought to the double doors that were so heavily secure within the dream, whether they'd like to be or not, and escorted inside. b. THE CITY
Another notable part of the city that can be accessed by those dealing in espionage include the barracks if they pose as hopefuls to join their ranks as handlers for their Monsters, which are collared in a familiar way to the dream, and seem reactionary to quick movements -- they're explained to be the essential frontline of what constitutes as a military force, very important, Mirrorbound Monsters beware you not suffer the same fate. The next place one might seek out is the library: While this is all deemed public knowledge, it offers insight into the kind of history and mindset that's been bred the past decade at minimum. Books regarding the dangers of Monsters, how to care and train them, practical spellbooks for those untrained by the Coven proper... The history books themselves are vague in regards to the "when" of things, and seem to be more contemporary in comparison to how old the city feels itself. There's a variety of more cultural knowledge such a cookbooks (including those dealing with monster parts) and floriography (more dour meanings compared to Aefenglom's flurous), but the relevant ones have been noted thusly.
Riot! Disrupt the peace! The auctions, while a little more downplayed than in the dream, are still going, and the Resistance has good word on where they're being held in the grand city. Their goal? To cause a disturbance big enough to distract, but not big enough to catch Drummond's eye... that said, with her having to play the nice host to Aefenglom's associates within the main building, there's more to get away with. Free the Monsters! Whilst distracted, other members of the Resistance plan to dispel the runes in certain areas and smuggle off what Monsters they can, valuing quantity over quality. While the more mind-broken may resist heavily, it won't be hard to find Monsters of all kinds (save Dragons and Fae, which are notably absent from the auctions and city in general) accepting help to escape, eager to think for themselves once more. Find a way for them to escape the city safely, but know that the docks are heavily guarded in case of stowaways. Free the city! Kind of. A third party of Resistance members are looking to weaken the enchantment on the wall of Dorchacht itself, meaning they'll be looking for those brave enough to tread outside the city and into the Wilde just beyond its protective gates to take a look at and inscribe runes to hopefully diminish the compulsion in place right now. It won't be immediate, but it'll help in the future... just be careful, there's plenty of danger beyond the wall to contend with. As an interesting note, while the Resistances' bonded pairs are definitely unlike Dorchacht's compulsion-based ones, they're not exactly like Aefenglom's either: They call themselves comrades and partners, brothers/sisters in arms, giving it more of an equality forged from the same brass than something to do with convenience. |
III. AEFENGLOM
Seems all is not quite as well as they'd like to appear.
The goblin market, as it's familiarly called, is somewhat accepted by the Parliament as something allowed to exist as part of their mercantile culture with Coven-approved medicines, alchemical practices, enchantments, so on and so forth, and only somewhat thanks to these known wares. Beneath these, with a dropped word or a curious eye, one can find things that are more than likely not sanctioned by either branch, things the vendors say can sate Monster and Witch alike without need of a Bond, though they decline to include the fact that such things are only temporary and that, like all hits, they'll need to come back for a greater quantity to get the satisfaction they need. Overpriced as they are (due to their private nature, it's high risk, surely they understand), they sell Monster parts of most kinds, Witch's Blood that may or may not be genuine, and what they call "extra strength" potions to mimic the feeling of a temporary bond without needing a second person to partake -- of course, you're welcome to share it, the more the merrier. However, this market hides a darker side, known more to those living among the aristocracy or who have the money and means to it, and characters are more likely to find themselves led there one way or another -- be it kidnapped or tricked, the black market isn't picky about how they drag their targets in. While Aefenglom prides itself in its fairness and equality, as in example with the goblin market not all is what it promises. Nowhere else is this more true than with the black market itself, using techniques familiar in Dorchacht to control their living wares, emboldened by the absence and turned heads of the government while remaining as discreet as they can be, they've ascended from the tunnels beneath Aefenglom to turn old houses into private auctions and the more deserted streets into bazaar-like adventures. Not all of these are unwilling wares, characters may find, and drawn by necessity for their own well-being or for their family's, but it's clear that a greater number are those from the Outer City. b. PROPAVANDALS
While Bonds haven't been specifically dissuaded against, given that there's alternatives to the more permanent tethers, not all are in favor of changing completely. It's been ten years since Miss Bell gained her seating, such citizens'll say, and there's been decades prior where they hadn't needed that. That Monsterkind and Witches could be, and sometimes were better off, apart. Home remedies and extra practice, or finding a substitute, was all that was needed. More privately and growing in whispered popularity, that there ought to be more restrictions on the two in general. Once these words have started, both conversations planted as well as encouraged for thoughts already leaning a certain way, small attacks on those Bonded being to occur. They target the main populace and those with connections to the Coven itself, especially the Mirrorbound given Nerissa's alleged responsibility to them, and it seems they're well-practiced in hiding their activities because all investigations done towards the perpetrators, whether done by the Mirrorbound or officials themselves, will lead to only dead-ends outside the City. The culprits are hard to catch on foot, using the environment they'd grown up with to their advantage in escaping any manner of way -- it isn't just humans, but Monsters causing trouble as well -- but it isn't impossible... Just that they refuse anything but their right of silence on the accusations, claiming they'd had no part in anything, regardless of what proof might be found. The attacks and vandalism itself range from harmful messages appearing with magic on walls and doors, vaguely threatening letters written in ink that evaporates in sunlight, to fruit thrown and possessions left in tatters after breaking and entering. They don't stop at residential houses either, aiming for businesses held by those with any connection to the Coven, held by those with Bonds, and seek to cause any number of annoyance and distaste to those they attack. If it weren't for their Bonds, their Coven connections, they wouldn't be treated this way. That's the message they seek to send. c. UNEASY FESTIVITIES
The medicines are largely placebos with some possible side-effects for those that aren't, such as voice changes and intense cravings for various foods, but they seem to be very popular this year -- there's at least a couple merchants talking up the good fortune Dorchacht's stress has brought this year to one another, quieting down when they catch outsiders eavesdropping. With the continued attacks on those Bonded and Coven-affiliated, with one of their Speakers across the continent and the other sorely wrapped in Parlimentary business dealing with the attacks, the city holds its breath and tries to endure. Tries to be bright and cheerful while keeping obvious supplies behind their counters, to keep fright from their expressions and mind lest it invite the Cwyld to their midst, and ultimately drawing apart from one another in a time where unity is more than needed: Time will tell what actions might sew shut the new wound struck across Aefenglom. |
Welcome to September's event log! The questions thread is split into two this time: one for Dorchacht, which can be found HERE, and one for Aefenglom, which can be found HERE. Please keep questions to their respective cities! This'll help both us and your fellow players in sorting information. Additionally, this event is a little special - we've prepare an OOC post to go along with it. Check it out over HERE - don't forget about it, as it'll help us see how things'll progress in the cities!
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A Springtide is always tidy, my lord. [He even has a glossary for a personal journal, he's that well organized. The first portion is his transcriptions, complete with notations about demeanor and tone, seeing those as important in such meetings. The latter portion is notes on the library, complete with sources for each book he took notes from, so he could reference back later if necessary.]
In my honest opinion, the meetings are... fluff. We don't make much headway on any real issues. We're being treated more like tourists than political advisers.
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[ because, yes, it hadn't been difficult to tell what's been staged recently. he's sure his companion's picked up on that. viren eyes the burning tip of the cigarette a moment, considering it, before taking a light drag. ... it's not bad, rather at all. ]
[ he resists sighing for the umpteenth time, instead opting for a slow exhale of smoke. keeping his voice appropriate low, ]
But they've done such a slipshod job of masking it, I do wonder what the actual purpose is to being here.
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Make me suspicious that monsters aren't the only ones feeling compelled to agree with such orders.
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[ which is to say -- he agrees with that misgiving. lowering the book out of some reactive distrust, the bartender returns with their drinks. the bartender doesn't linger long, instead attending to some other patron. viren doesn't yet drink, instead tapping out the cigarette on the side of an ashtray. ]
[ then, gently setting the little book down -- he brings up a hand, still gloved in leather, to massage at the space between his eyes. ]
I know our priorities... differ, slightly. [ they did have that slightly tense conversation back when the ms. nessie had made her announcement of this entire sorry affair. tense on viren's side, anyway. regardless, he pushes forth: ] But-- why? Why that dream in the first place?
[ he doesn't know if he's missing something here. perhaps all of his speculation is pointless. perhaps the writing is on the walls. perhaps there wasn't a purpose to it at all, but viren's purpose here is opertaing under the assumption that something here would lead to his return home. ]
If it has to do with her dreamsharing, Morgana Drummond dos not seem the type to make mistakes.
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Her motivations are certainly to be questioned, through and through. She has such control of this place, far more than Aefenglom appears controlled by their branch of the Coven. [he's speaking more quietly knowing that even with sympathizers marking the doorway to this place, there is no reason to yell out treasonous intent in public]
Discovering the source of the command spell is my highest priority. Perhaps even dismantling it, if at all possible.
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[ you freedom fighter you, everett. his eyebrows knit together, a look of consternation, gloved fingertips tapping gently against the spine of the man's book. after a moment, he reaches for his drink. judging by the fact that he doesn't wrinkle his nose at the taste, one might surmise he doesn't dislike it. ]
[ he places the glass down again, with a slight clatter to it. ]
I don't think she's the source of all of them, no. Wouldn't that be perplexing, alerting us to the state of her own objectionable city.
[ pale gray eyes slide over from the pages of the book, then, to flit over everett. ]
I'm sure you have realized, by this point, that you are going to have to resort to more [ a pause, contemplating the word ] extreme means, to get anything done.
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[Everett lifts his mead and taps it to Viren's, a little gesture of 'cheers' before taking his own long sip. He makes a pleased noise, gesturing to the bartender in approval, before more quietly back to Viren]
If there is any bit the misstep, I will take the burden of responsibility, my lord. Whether that is a punishment or a reward, we shall discover. [another drag of his cigarette smiling around it, mood still enthused for what's to follow]
What do you plan to pursue, moving ahead?
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[ he cuts that off. he can irritably
tsun(god that word is silly and cursed, sorry) make his case another time. the clink of the glass startles him, somehow, and he blinks. it takes him a moment to reorient himself to the question.but, thus had been his typical lamenting tone when speaking of necessary evils. though genuinely he hadn't even thought of the safety of ... others. best keep that one to himself. ]
I plan on opposing extreme measures if they seem the type to spark war. That is my priority, after all, as I have made you aware.
[ his shoulders raise, just slightly. forced pacifism is still of an odd stance for him to take, the words strange on his tongue. ]
The situation seems -- calm enough, thus far. [ boy, is he in for a surprise in some days. ] If it should escalate, I hope people aren't complete fools about it. Morgana should remain alive.
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... is that why you're playing errand boy, my lord? Keeping someone important calm and contented, so no trouble strikes up?
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[ god that really did make it all sound-- so pathetic, despite the generally benign nature of everett's tone. pathetic. he internally flinches. what is he doing. torturing whoever necessary had crossed his mind, submitting to the ease of that and foregoing this nice affair.
he would have to see what came of his current situation. that may have to come later. ]
I would hope to earn trust; with that trust, perhaps they would reveal more of the situation. Because I do want.. any and all information relating as to how to return home. [ he WANTS TO GO HOOOOOOME ] Perhaps I have already shared with you: I have heard from another, a veteran of this land, that they believe subduing the Cwyld is key to our return. As far as Dorchacht citizens go, a few believe that the Fae are responsible for it.
[ clearly, we should all just stab the fae. ]
Meager as it is, it is a start.
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I have heard not of the Fae involvement. Then again, the Fae of this world are very different than I know them in mine. Myddvai's are more like the Naga of this realm. What would be their presumed part, in influencing the state of things?
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[ almost a little too straightforward, viren thinks, but he resists over-complicating it with more speculation. at the gesture, he returns the book. —but, ohh. everett mentions creatures of his world and viren has to put a mental bookmark in that conversation piece, to ask of later. ]
[ his tone is skeptical, but he is telling something of a short story, so his words are appropriately, darkly weighted, ]
Legend says that the Fae coveted the secret to magic — apparently, it'd been selfishly guarded from humanity. But humans learnt of the secret, somehow, and began to use magic themselves. I'm sure they felt threatened by this; both jealous and angry, they cursed the lands, and thus the Cwyld arose.
[..]
Whether or not that's true... is unclear, but perhaps it's been inspired by some grain of truth.
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Creature were very want to make enemies of one another, in my land. This was within the First Age, long before my time, in a sense. [he won't get into what that means...]
The Elves and the Giants were most bitterly at war. Their empires nearly ruined the world for all. For just the same reason, fighting over who should control magic. When Myddvai was nearly torn asunder, our gods arrived to set the world back into order. They looked upon a war torn land and both sides claimed the other had struck first. That is was only justified that they warred so fiercely.
And the Dragons wrought punishment upon all sides, even those that did not intervene. Because it did not matter that it started... it mattered that it did not find end.
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[ and viren is appropriately enraptured by it - he loves this kind of shit, having turned slightly in his seat, and bringing a hand upwards to stroke at his beard as he listens. ]
[ ... it almost sounds familiar, in a way. viren swirls the mead in his glass, sparing everett a narrowed glance. he sips from it before speaking his mind, ]
How does one "control magic" in your world, that it cannot be shared? ... And, these Dragons. [ everett wouldn't be wrong to detect his tone acquiring some distaste. ] Do they think of themselves as gods, to punish all like that?
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[Everett enjoys these old tales, he always keeps them in mind and at heart. There's good lessons to be learned, though perhaps not already the right lessons. He finds such history moving, in ways that other stories did not resonate]
The Dragons oversee that place, now. Magic is not only there, but spread through all corners of Myddvai. Not even the Dragon's control it all. [he chuckles slightly, tone casually fond to speak of deities, like one might speak of a wacky relative]
I'm not certain what they think of being deified. To us mortals beings, they are gods. As close as Myddvai has to it. They protect and tend to the World Tree, allowing it to flourish and provide for us, in turn. When it was in danger, they sought fit to bring order and the world was made better for it.
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[ the response to his question regarding their deities is meant with quiet for a moment, viren parsing through that. ]
I have never known a benevolent dragon. [ he finally says. ] In my world, they are fearsome, violent creatures that would oppress humanity — they are much better kept... [ "in pieces." ] ... away from our lands.
[ well, then.
accompanied by a certain finality to his words, words that bring himself concern to remind himself of - dangerous, dangerous beings, they are. he knows he's already briefly alluded to the topic with everett. ]
But I am glad to hear they have earned your praise. [ a thin smile. he takes another drag of his cigarette now, something that is beginning to burn low. ] The place you are familiar with—Myddvai?—sound as if it's quite the magical land, to say the least.
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That's it's own kind of magic.]
Myddvai, yes. The name of the World Tree and our land itself. We are blessed with magic in many flavors. [he means this very literally]
It's actually been an oddity for me, here! I cannot taste the magic at all. I had such a refined pallet for it. [wistful sigh! The beer is pretty good, though]
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Flavors?
[ okay, he did hear that exactly as was said. ]
My daughter - cooks using magic. But as far as I know, unless it's intentional, magic is not.. sensed through an innate flavor. [ cool, he's envisioning like. moonshadow magic-flavored smores. though, that could be a thing. ] Would it taste differently based on the elements--?
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More importantly, my lord! You have a daughter? [Everett is pleasantly surprised to hear that! He has a strong dad energy all his own, despite not having children. He always liked the idea, but Springtide traditional was... it's own can of worms, towards family. Everett had avoided such responsibility]
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[ like, sun-scented cookies would be pretty intriguing. ]
And I do. Her name is Claudia. Like me [ or how he was, anyway ], she is also a mage. Despite being young, just a teenager -- she has a knack for the craft.
[ he doesn't often praise his children, but it's an accurate statement all the same. everett might detect how his expression has softened just slightly (minutely) at her mention, only to harden once more with his next words: ]
Last I was able to check, she is not here. For now, that is likely for the best.
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Likely for the best, indeed. Still, I can better understand you desire to return home. [Everett didn't feel the same way about his family, they were more an... obligation than something of fondness. An obligation that was passed off to his sister, not really necessary for him to uphold. They would be fine without him, he has no strong reason to return. In it's own way, that's a bit... sad-
Ahem.]
Would Claudia happen to be your Cardinal Heir? You seem most proud of her!
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... She would be my heir in some respects, yes. As I do, she would come to serve, support and stand by the then-King or Queen as their High Mage. Otherwise, there are... a few others that are in line for the throne, before she could rule as Queen.
[ him and his son, on account of their older ages, being two of those people. :) it's unlikely that she would see to rule, viren thinks, and so hasn't given as much consideration to it.
... and, perhaps that is one of the factors as to why he'd first considered everett's complete lack of urgency in returning home to be alarming. truthfully, viren thinks he has more pressing priorities than simply seeing his family again (they can handle themselves, besides, he thinks), but they would be yet another reason in a sea of justifications as to why he can't remain here. ]
[ though he thinks he already knows the answer - ]
Do you not have children, Everett..?
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He levels his tone, almost like he's being serious-]
Not that I'm aware of.
[-he can't help himself, Viren]
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[ —and everett is 3000% fuckin right he doesn't laugh ]
[ with such a goddamn look, ]
I would hope you practice safe... [..] intercourse, and be responsible.
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Everett points to his beer]
I need to be three more drinks deep before you talk dirty to me, my lord.
[see, it's funny because it's not really a joke at all]
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