middaeg | ( closed ) faithful friends who are dear to us

Entry tags:

( closed ) faithful friends who are dear to us

Who: Karin Koenig & Jacob "Styx" Graves
When: Sometime mid-Deceuer.
Where: Casa de Styx.
What: Modranicht is still ahead, but we doin' Crimbus early.
Warnings: None so far, unless you are opposed to seeing a grown man cry. Will edit as necessary.

[Both being able to afford to give holiday gifts and having people to give them to are quite novel to Karin, but there's one in particular she's been planning for some time and has been eager to give. When the tailor she'd spoken to a few weeks earlier had reached out to inform her that the item was finished earlier, she'd quickly decided that waiting until Modranicht itself was impractical— it would be too hard to keep it a secret all that time, for one, and she'd like to see its recipient get some good use out of his gift sooner rather than later.

It's mid-afternoon when she arrives unannounced, opting to using the front door rather than going towards her favored perch on the roof. She manages to shift the packages in her arms just enough to reach out and ring the bell with a gloved hand, bundled up against the cold as much as her wings will allow. The most noticeable part of her load is a very large, brightly-wrapped rectangular box, though there's a white bakery box and two small but festive gift bags piled on top of it— just enough so that when the door opens, her face will largely be hidden behind the stack as she holds it steady.

... maybe she should have checked to make sure he was home first, but that would have taken some of the fun out of it, right? It wasn't as good if it wasn't a surprise.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[While she doesn't pull away from him in full, her hand does fall away from his face, and both hang uselessly in her lap— or as close to it as she can manage, with his arms around her waist. Normally, she finds that feeling comforting, sometimes even bordering on euphoric, but now the only thing she feels is foolish.

Styx doesn't have a duplicitous bone in his body. However they had fumbled their way to this misunderstanding, she knows no ill had been meant, but that genuine note of confusion in his voice... maybe she had assumed too much, but on the other hand, it had seemed like an awfully safe assumption, hadn't it?

It's suddenly very hard to look at him, and so she averts her gaze just enough to look to one side, her cheeks burning red with an entirely different kind of embarrassment than before, bashful affection having made way for something else.]

No, there's nobody else—

[Well, not exactly true, because there are feelings for someone else still buried deep within her, but she's been doing everything she can to move past those.]

I thought that we were... well, I guess we never said the words, but more than friends.

Me!?

[if Karin had plunged a knife straight through his breast, it probably would have come as less of a shock to the witch. Styx jolts, electrified with terror and surprise all in one, and very nearly drops the harpy straight from his lap. instinct kicks in and saves her at the last moment, but it does nothing for the whirling thoughts in his head.

him? she'd thought...that she was dating him? what a truly alarming concept. like, exclusively? oh, no...how could that have happened? he'd thought - well, of course he'd thought!

platonic friends weren't intimate the way they'd been, no, but that was no reason to be so arrogant as to assume that Karin wanted him as a boyfriend. most girls that he'd been romantically attached to had been like that - interested in open relationships, in staying friendly but not establishing a committment. it was what he excelled at and, deep in his heart, what he believed was best. every day the drummer was improving himself, but there were hard limits no one could cross...and he knew, deep down, that he'd never possess enough substance to make someone happy for the rest of their life.

he doesn't mean to be aggressive, but he's just so worried - a massive hand reaches out to take Karin by the chin, gentle even in the insistent way he turns her back to face him. she can escape if she's truly distressed, but he really hopes she doesn't. this is...god, his heart is seizing up all over again.]

Karin, why would you wanna date me!?

[Styx doesn't expect (is praying not to hear) an actual list of reasons why that ludicrous idea might have gotten stuck in his friend's head. rather, he hopes for some sort of confirmation that she's not ill, or injured, or...or being put up to this by someone, even. it could only be negativity that pushed Karin to make such an assumption - to want it in the first place, fuck. he can't just leave her like that.]

[Somehow, this felt worse than pouring her heart out to someone she knew could never fully reciprocate. At least then, she had known what was coming; she had only wanted to share her feelings to get them out in the open, to help herself find a way to close that chapter of her life. It had only been partially successful as far as offering closure, but it was something, a step towards healing, and because she hadn't expected anything in response from Yuri, told him not to say anything, it hurt less.

This... it wasn't rejection, in so many words, but she felt deeply foolish, that she'd interpreted things the wrong way for a not insignificant amount of time. If her head were clearer, if the revelation of such a severe misunderstanding stung less and weren't quite so humiliating, she might have been able to look at this objectively, to remind herself that Styx's own view of his self-worth was what had kept them from coming to the same conclusion, but in the moment, it escapes her.

Stupid. Nobody had ever chosen her before, reciprocated when she felt something. Why would they start now?

She does catch herself with a hand against his shoulder when he almost drops her, and doesn't resist when he turns her chin to face him again. She feels her mouth go dry; there's still no actual upset or distress, only bafflement as she continues to find herself stunned by the incredibly different reads they had on this situation.

She didn't go around town just kissing anyone on their rooftops.]

Why wouldn't I?

[It seems a fair question to ask, even as she feels the heat of embarrassment rushing to the tips of her ears.]

Because when I'm with you, everything else just feels... far away. None of it bothers me anymore.

[It's not a list, but still possibly more than he wanted to hear.]

[it's a lack of self worth and the cultural divide teaming up to create one of the worst misapprehensions possible. even hardened military women wouldn't allow themselves to own such a loose pair of lips, but in Styx's world there was nothing wrong with kissing whoever you liked. it was only a kiss, not a dedication beyond that singular moment. why should he hold his friend to such a thing, especially when the anchor that would be around her neck was him?

the witch's face is red by now as well, but it's anxiety hammering his heart rate up so high again. oh, Karin...that isn't comfort, that's anesthesia.]

Don't mean you gotta date me for it.

[his other hand rises now to cup the harpy's cheeks, thumbs spreading in gentle circles towards her face's edge. he wants to cry, a little, that she's been tied to such a burdensome obligation without ever realizing it was unnecessary. how many months had she been suffering like this?]

'm not going anywhere. You know that, right? 'm always gonna be here for you, no matter what you do. You don't - there's nothing you gotta give me to have that.

I know that you're real sad, 'nd everything still hurts even though it's getting a little better...but you're real fucking killer 'nd super pretty. Anybody'd be lucky to date you. So don't be dumb when you don't gotta be...yeah?

["You don't gotta." He keeps saying that, like she feels this is some kind of obligation, and her heart sinks as she realizes how many people must have acted as though it were for him to believe that so firmly. She shakes her head just the tiniest bit as he holds her face in his hands, and she can feel the threat of tears just as he can, even if it was for an entirely different reason.

How many times had she told him openly and earnestly that she liked him, cared about him? That he was important to her? All that, and he was unable to see what she really meant— or perhaps saying that he was unable to accept it was more accurate. Even so, it still stings as he tries to persuade her to reconsider, insist that she's made an error in judgment.

What was wrong with her that she could never fall for someone who wanted to be with her, too?

She exhales and closes her eyes for a moment as she turns her face into his touch, a wistful smile pulling at her lips.]

It's not about feeling like I have to do anything. It's about wanting to, not some... obligation. I love spending time with you.

[And she wants to take solace in the fact that he says he's not going anywhere, but— things are going to change, aren't they? If he felt the same way, if he liked her the same way she liked him, then no matter how badly he thought of himself, he wouldn't be trying to talk her out of it, would he?]

I don't think it's dumb, to want to be with someone who sees me and makes me feel like my time here matters— like I matter.

[doesn't she, though? not one that the witch has placed upon her, but an obligation born deep from her own heart. to be held, to be cherished, to have her form celebrated the way it deserved...it's never been something given freely to Karin. there's no way Styx can blame her for assuming their relationship was the same - he was no superman, after all. nothing about him could change a girl's perspective.

at the same time, it's what breaks his heart over this situation most of all. he'd known that his friend was carrying such a deep hurt within her, but he'd been blind to some of the ways the harpy had sought relief for them. he'd really thought - but that was stupid, he could see it now. Karin was nobler than that, wasn't she? emotional intimacy was surely what she craved most of all.]

's 'cause you do matter, Karin. Don't got anything to do with me...'s the truth.

[and her worth was so precious to him that he couldn't let her throw it away on someone like him...good for a friend, he'd come to understand, but still nowhere near worthy of romantic committment.]

I can't...I can't give you everything you'd want. Everything you should have. 'nd if we're just doing it as friends, that's ok! 'Cause then there'll be someone else for you to love. But if it was just me...'m not enough. You're worth a whole love.

[For a few moments, she has no idea how to answer. Nothing he'd said had been anything even approaching unkind— quite the opposite— and yet she feels a tightness in her chest as she realizes she just might lose the pillar of stability she'd found in their friendship, whatever label it may or may not bear. He promises that he's not going anywhere, and of course she believes him, but she feels so deeply embarrassed that she doesn't see how this can't not change things.

He speaks so highly of her, like he always does, and yet it's little comfort. In the past, she's thought of herself as not good enough, unable to measure up, and here it turns out that someone thinking she's too good for them threatens to be just as lonely. It still stings, even though she doesn't want it to, even though she knows he doesn't mean for it to hurt. 'You're worth a whole love,' he'd said, and yet she finds herself more than willing to take whatever she can get. It seems too distant a dream, otherwise.

She exhales softly, pressing the heel of her hand against one of her eyes as though it will be enough to keep tears from falling. A few do still manage to escape, without any sound, but she manages to keep the rest at bay for now.

Maybe, in a way, this is better. It puts to rest some of the guilt she'd felt whenever she thought about the life that was set ahead of her, the family that she would go on to be a part of, if only for a few short years. Some, but not all. Was it being unfaithful if you hadn't even met the person you knew you were going to marry yet? It feels that way, sometimes.]

I don't know what I want.

[That much is true. She doesn't expect much of anything, really, doesn't need much— what Styx has already given her is enough, whether or not he believes it. She resists the urge to sniffle, endeavoring to keep a stiff upper lip as she looks up at him again, earnest.]

I do know that I don't want things to change. I like the way things are now. And I like— being able to kiss you whenever I want.

[big thumb pads swipe gently at the escaped tears as they flow down the curve of her face, carefully pressing them back into oblivion. Styx feels as if he's being shattered all over again having to watch his friend cry, knowing that he was the cause of it, but much as it hurts he's absolutely certain this is the best course of action.

Karin might believe she'd be lucky to take whatever she could get right now, but he knows with absolute certainty that isn't the case. when she speaks again, admitting to her own confusion, he can feel reassurance flooding his chest like a cool balm. no, his beliefs were true. the worst thing he could do as her friend was allow the harpy to throw herself headlong into something like this.]

's ok! I never know what I'm doing.

[he smiles back at her, just as earnest even while he tries to inject compassion into this moment through lighthearted teasing. she doesn't need to hold back if she needs to cry...but Styx feels like perhaps that isn't something Karin wants to hear right now.]

Already told you, 'm not going anywhere. So if you want it to stay that way, 's no problem...can keep kissing me as much as you like. Definitely don't mind that.

[who didn't like to be kissed? and it would be an even better way to help Karin now, he thinks, with the confusion cleared up between them. once the pain had subsided and their heads were clearer...it was a really beneficial sort of setup. Styx was grateful to be able to bring her comfort in that way, in a way that maybe she's never been able to find relief for before. it was his honor and privilege.]

[It is comforting, causing the tightness in her chest to ease. His bright smile and the teasing note in his voice, the soft brush of his thumbs against her cheek as he flicked her tears aside— it's all warmly familiar, a standing reminder that this misunderstanding just might not ruin everything in one fell swoop.]

Good. That's— it's good.

[She smiles at him, a bit tearstained but unquestionably relieved. Were he anyone else, she might have thought those were empty platitudes, reassurances that he couldn't possibly follow through on now that she had gone and made things horribly awkward, but that just wasn't him. That wasn't who Styx was in the slightest.]

Then... nothing has to change.

[She certainly likes the sound of that. It's still quietly confusing, in its way, but if they could just keep on as they were, and they were both content with it, wasn't that what mattered most? She reaches up to lay a hand over his against her face, her thumb lightly brushing against its back.]

And— I don't know if you remember, but we had talked about something else. More than kissing.

[Maybe if she can't even say the word, she shouldn't be bringing it up, but... she still wants that. She still wants more with him, even if it's only as friends.]

Nope!

[the drummer beams, obviously satisfied with this settling of events. the only thing he'd like to change is Karin's face...but that was something he could do himself by continuing to press his fingers reassuringly along her cheeks, wiping the remnants of her tears away. Styx only pauses in his work when he feels a more delicate hand come to rest atop him, expression softening at the sign of affection.

cute. the harpy is always cute, but she's so much cuter when she's contented.]

O-oh...um, yeah, I remember.

[was that weird of him to remember? he didn't want to make it seem like he'd been fixating on it or anything, like, counting down the days until his friend decided she wanted to get naked in his presence, but...it wasn't one of the plethora of things he'd forgotten, either.

should he clarify that? it feels like he should, and the drummer's mouth even opens with the intention to do just that - but all that comes out is a strangled sort of squeaky noise instead. no, he thinks, flushing crimson, he can't do it. it's just too embarrassing.]

[If nothing else, that little squeak of his confirms that she's not the only one with some embarrassment about dragging that conversation back into the light. She wants to laugh, but her own embarrassment keeps her from being able to do so openly, and her face flushes to mirror his as she feels her heart begin to race, picking up speed to hammer against the cage of her ribs.]

I, ah— that's still true.

[Maybe not right this minute, given how fraught the day has already been between panic attacks and trying to sort out feelings, but she would also be lying if she said she didn't feel the urge to lean up and kiss his adorably bashful face and see where it leads them regardless.

It's not the kind of thing she's ever imagined herself discussing outside of some very specific situations, but she reminds herself that she wants to spend her time here pursuing what she wants, choosing her own path and finding a way to be happy with the time she's been given. Whatever Styx wants to call it, she'll gladly concede, but this is still something she wants, something she's given a good deal of thought to.]

Even if we're only 'friends.' [Somehow, she doesn't think that part will be a problem, given how willing Styx had been before, while she was the only one making broader assumptions about their... whatever they had.] It, um... would mean a lot to me, to share that with you. I trust you.

Well, yeah, 'course! Friends bang all the time.

[...ah, wait, no. in his eagerness to reassure Karin that, hot-faced as he was now, this wasn't actually something he minded also remaining the same, he'd gone and been a bit coarse. shaking his head, half the expression falling behind a moving curtain of hair, he tries to correct himself just as quickly.]

Mean, uh, not like - um, you know? Or nothing. But still! So you definitely don't gotta worry about that.

[is he even listening to any part of what's falling out of his mouth right now? the answer has to be absolutely not, or else Styx's face would have surely melted off his skull by now. the witch can feel himself floundering, however, and with his babbling devolving into incoherent mumbling he abandons the endeavor entirely and rests his chin atop his friend's head.

just...breathe. one, two, three...there. it's fine, right? it's fine. nothing to worry about here.]

...it'll be better whenever you wanna make it happen, ok? Promise. [he laughs, sheepish but warm.] 'Cause I don't gotta talk during that.

They do?

[There's a squeak to her voice that surprises even her, startled rather than embarrassed, though the slight widening of her eyes hints at a naivete that one might expect in a girl much younger than she is. For all of her other worldly experiences, in this sense, she's very much a late bloomer on top of being just a little old-fashioned. Thankfully, a reassessment of her priorities during her time in this place has helped her to avoid letting the latter hold her back from figuring out what she wants.

Her face is as red as it's ever been, but she smiles to herself when he fumbles his way through his words and brings his chin to rest on her head. At least they're embarrassed together, and if they can't talk about this with one another, then who can they? For as much as Karin loves her bondmate, she's not sure Lightning would be comfortable with being the one she confided in about this particular topic, even though she trusts the other woman implicitly. Aside from her housemates, Styx is easily the person Karin has allowed herself to become closest to in this world— even moreso in some ways, despite their not being bonded, because she's entrusted him with information she hasn't been able to bring herself to tell anyone else.

Even though she can't see his face now, she can picture the sheepish smile on it, and closes her eyes for a brief moment as she puts her arms around him and squeezes, her hand coming to rest warmly against the back of his neck.]

I happen to like when you talk. [Even when he's flustered. Maybe even especially when he's flustered?] But— I understand what you mean.

[Would it be weird to say she was looking forward to it? Actually, that part should be a given, but it just seems so strange to speak it aloud.]

... I'm really glad nothing has to change. For a minute there, I was afraid I'd ruined things.

Totally, yeah!

[he nods encouragingly, surely ruffling more than a few of the poor feathers on his friend's head with the way the gesture rubs his chin all over her hair. the drummer can't see the expression accompanying the noise Karin's question has pulled from some deep part of her psyche, but he can just imagine it. that made sense though, right? old people weren't allowed to have sex, he's pretty sure, and the harpy is technically very old. this must be her first time thinking about all the friends she could quite literally dick around with.

what an exciting time for her! but also maybe a little intimidating, and - well, that compliment of hers comes at a poor time for this train of thought. Styx is already gearing up to keep babbling in order to reassure her, and when the woman says she actually likes hearing his voice it's as if some door has come completely unhinged. all these months and friends in this world, and he still can't take a nice comment like a regular human being...]

Like, uh, back home Ymir told me that if I ever felt like liking dudes he wouldn't mind doing it with me a little bit to see if it felt good? 'nd stuff. 'nd sometimes Vincent gets kinda too close to him when they're fighting, I think, but he don't really like guys so maybe he's just trying to reach his throat again.

[Vincent didn't really like anyone, to be perfectly fair. but he's sure that their bandmate would just as happily have bedded the little guitarist if he'd asked as he'd ever do for Styx. it made him happy to think about.

he's gone on and on like that, completely forgetting in his haste to fill Karin in on all the details of how normal fucking your buddies is that she'd actually said something else. it's highly possible he'll circle back around to that topic, nuzzled comfortably in the harpy's embrace as he is, but in a way...isn't this an answer in and of itself?

nothing's changed, after all. the witch is just as much of a giant idiot as ever.]

[He just keeps going without missing a beat; she doesn’t expect or need the compliment to be acknowledged, but that doesn’t mean she expects what comes next. She feels her face grow hot as he perhaps unintentionally paints a very clear picture for her; she’s always considered herself to be open-minded, and people should love whoever their hearts lead them to, but she’s never really been given reason to think about someone she knows in certain positions, and her cheeks are near burning as she realizes this attitude regarding ‘friends’ is even more widespread than she realized.

Did everyone know about this except for her? Was it like this in her own time and she just wasn’t aware, all because she had always been so career-focused and a decidedly ‘good’ girl? Sex has never been something people talked about openly in her experience, but Styx clearly does not have that problem, and she has to admit that it’s as exciting as it is enlightening.]

Everyone just does that for one another where you’re from?

[The words are half-mumbled against his chest, her fingers curling into his sleeve as she suddenly finds herself feeling very aware of the fact that she’s still in his lap. They might get around to the second part of what she’d said at some point, but once Styx commits to a train of thought, that’s it. She knows that well by now.]

Where I come from, or maybe I should say when, it’s just supposed to be for— um, when you’re married, but not everyone does that. I don’t really think that’s realistic, myself.

[She’s old-fashioned in some ways, but not that old-fashioned.]

Did you ever...? I mean, with Ymir?

[SHE’S JUST VERY CURIOUS]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

( closed ) faithful friends who are dear to us

no subject

i don't have an ICON FOR THIIIIIIS

pushes my sleeves up

rolls them back down gently

how dare you

i don't make the rules sorry

it's true we both did this

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject