middaeg | [open] oh lamia please try to help me

[Styx laughs, a little embarrassed. he's probably the worst representative a world could ask for, especially coming in as an 'advanced' sort of place by comparison. funny how things work out, isn't it?]

Well, Eddan's kinda ahead of everybody even back home. Started out as, uh...think they called it like a model city? That sort of thing.

[partially autonomous, cut off from the mainland by everything but bridge and ferry...it really was like its own universe.]

Must be nice not to have so much to get used to. 's been months now, but 'm still looking for stuff that don't exist here when I'm not thinking about it.

It is, in some ways. There are a lot of things that are familiar, but others that are just different enough that it doesn't feel quite right.

[The city itself, at least, reminds her of her own corner of Europe in some ways, and she's traveled widely enough that adapting to someplace new had come pretty easily overall.

Thoughtful for a moment, she looks up and gives him another playful nudge with her elbow.]

So what do you miss the most, from Eddan? Besides people, I mean.

[It goes without saying that he misses his auntie and his bandmates the most, of course.]

[he nods understandingly, the motion cut short by Karin nudging him in the side. he looks down at her, curious expression transforming into thoughtful as he considers the question. what he missed most that wasn't a person? hmm...]

Uh, the food I guess! Had all these killer spots I'd always swing by that I can't now...oh, and recognizing all the bands at a music shop. Thought it's kinda exciting that everything's new now!

[the truth of the matter is that Eddan had shut him out in much the same way his own community had. a city on the cutting edge of progress didn't want someone looking like him wandering through the more affluent parts of town, and he'd felt that silent judgement very keenly. the most of the city Styx had ever seen came from riding the bullet trains around and round without ever disembarking.]

[She laughs, not only because of the simplicity of the answer in itself, but also:]

That's what I miss the most, too! The food here is good, but the last year or so before I got here, I was traveling all over the world, so I was getting to try all kinds of different dishes just about everywhere we went. There are some places here that do things similarly to home, too, but I really miss good German desserts.

[A lot of the food is pretty comparable, but none of it tastes quite like home.]

And I miss— well, it's not the same as going to a music shop, but I do miss the opera. Or the idea of the opera? I only ever got to go once.

You really like sweet stuff, huh?

[it's something that he's noticed in all of the times that they've gone out together, although given his own gluttonous preferences it's certainly not something the drummer's going to judge her for. but mentioning it now gives Styx a good way to confirm that like, since...well, it gives him a more concrete focus during his own searches.]

...oh, uh - that's the one where they're yelling all the time, right?

[says the metalhead.]

Guilty as charged.

[She grins; there's no defense for that to be given, really. She'll try just about anything, but it's true that he's seen her indulge in a lot of different pastries and desserts during their various food adventures— a part of her thinks it might come from them having been such a rare treat when she was young. They always remind her of happier times, on top of being delicious.]

It can definitely sound like yelling sometimes, depending on the performer. But the wonderful thing about opera is how dramatic it is! Every opera tells a story, and they do these fantastic swordfights on stage— it's really incredible to watch!

[who could ever deny themselves a sweet when given the opportunity? certainly not Styx, king of the gluttons. for someone who was so repressive of his natural self for the sake of others, he was surprisingly open about eating what you wanted. food was safe, after all - everyone needed it.]

Sounds pretty fucking killer when you explain it like that, yeah! 's kinda too fancy for me, though, so I've never been.

[probably for the best. who wanted to enjoy a classy opera with someone like him in the seat next to them? scratching at his cheek idly, a great idea occurs to him.]

Bet it's the kind've thing they do here too, though! You should go watch another one sometime.

They probably do— they must have some kind of theater scene here, at least, but I haven't looked into it, really. There's just been so many other things going on, but it would be nice, even if I won't recognize any of the music in whatever they put on here.

[That's exciting in its own way, too. New music means new stories, new tales of adventure!]

You know, it's not really that fancy, people just make it sound like it is. No matter what kind, I think music should be for everyone.

[Not only for those who can afford box seats, although he's right— it's definitely become the sort of event only those who are well-off ever get to attend, which means it's always been right out for her with that one exception. Who has that kind of money lying around?]

Maybe we can pay our way in to watch from the rafters sometime. A lot of stagehands will let people do that, so long as they're quiet— people who can't afford the house seats.

[Styx nods understandingly...boy, does he get it. if music wasn't his life's blood he's pretty sure that he wouldn't know a goddamn thing about how it had taken shape here with all of the explosive activities he'd been thrown into since arriving.]

Used to be a girl here - um, think her name was Izumi? - that was trying to get some play stuff together 'nd wanted me to do drums for it when she did. Dunno if she managed anything before she went home, though...

[he frowns softly for a moment, thoughtful. he really hopes that she had managed to leave a mark her - not only had she been impossibly kind to him, but he'd felt a kindred fire in her. that woman loved acting as much as he adored music, of that he was sure.]

Be pretty cool to sit that far up! Kinda like you're on the roof but, uh, inside, you know? Just...maybe you should take somebody else when you go.

[Sounds like she'll have to do some investigating regarding certain aspects of the local culture. Really, now that she's carved out a pretty steady existence for herself here, she could spare some time to look into more recreational things. She's not really working regular hours, but she's getting by well enough, and she would like to believe that the worst of her changes are over. No reason not to do something nice for herself, and better yet if she can convince someone else to join her for an evening out.]

Really not your thing, huh?

[Her smile pulls to one side; if he's really not interested, she can respect that. She's not about to try and force him to go anywhere— she would just as soon find something else the two of them can enjoy together. It's about the company itself, more than the activity.]

It is pretty incredible, but if you'd rather go to a concert or something you're more familiar with, I would be happy to do that, too. I'd rather go somewhere else with you than the opera by myself.

[She could ask someone else, but she's not sure any of the other friends she has here would appreciate it, either, and— they're not the ones she's trying to find excuses to spend more time with at the moment.]

No, no, 's not anything like that!

[he'd intended to continue explaining himself straight away, but then Karin had to go and say that the priority was spending time with him. chuckling stupidly, he has to press his red face into his friend's equally red hair for a moment before he can speak again without laughing shyly some more. geez.]

Just, uh, 'm real heavy, you know? Wouldn't be much fun going with somebody who was just gonna break the rafter 'nd fall.

[She pauses for a long moment before laughing openly, leaning to push her shoulder against him in response to his hiding his face in her hair and feathers. Ah, she should have known— she knows he's sensitive about his size, but not having those same worries herself makes it easy to accidentally overlook times when he might be especially concerned about it.]

I wouldn't be worried about that. They keep all kinds of heavy things on those walkways! You would be amazed at how much stage lights weigh, and there's often lots of people up there. Still, if that was ever really a concern, I'm sure we could find somewhere else to sit that would help you feel more at ease.

[Not that she intends to bully him into going to the opera with her, but she wants him to know that while he might be worried about his size getting in the way of things, she never is.]

Would you believe I know someone who might be even heavier? I don't think you have to worry so much.

[oh my god, don't laugh at him! Styx makes an unintelligible noise of embarrassment, pushing back against his friend's shoulder bump even as he buries his face deeper into her hair. the big guy tries to answer properly after a few moments, only to realize that Karin won't be able to hear anything with his mouth in its current position. with a soft sigh, he finally lifts himself back into place.]

'nd they went to the opera with you too?

[he's misunderstanding, surely, but Styx doesn't realize that. he's too amazed by the idea of a human-shaped person heavier than he was. maybe like, a sumo wrestler?]

[Is it wrong of her to think of his embarrassment as being cute? She doesn't dare say it out loud for fear of offending him, happy to leave things at gentle teasing instead, but like so many other things he does, it's honestly endearing. She bites at her lower lip to hold back another laugh, managing to contain herself this time despite how very funny that noise of his had been.

She'll be good, for now.]

Mm, we never had the chance to go to the opera, but we've been in plenty of other precarious places and were just fine! Joachim is a big guy, too, but he did everything the rest of us did, went anywhere we went, and it was always okay. We don't have to go to the opera if it's something you're not interested, but— I don't think you should let those worries keep you from doing things you do want to do. Trust me, okay?

[She promises, she won't steer you wrong.]

[he's silent and unmoving in her hair as Karin speaks, listening with just as much intensity as he always gives her words despite the present choice of immobility. he tries to lift his head a little, just a little, to reply, because he definitely wants to make sure that she can hear this.]

'Course I trust you.

[with his life. but it was just...Styx moves at last, pulling himself upright so that he can affix those melancholy eyes of his upon her face, like the moon being swallowed by a eclipse. there was more than just having faith in a friend at play here.]

'm just scared of letting you down. Um, not literally! Don't think...uh, that you'd fall or nothing even if something broke real bad.

[wings and all.]

But I mean, 's kinda different from other stuff? Can get better at a lot of things, you know, work hard 'nd make it easier to be friends with and everything. But, uh...'m not gonna get any smaller, haha! 's just me.

So I dunno...you know. Never been good at being, uh, me. [his size. some people could, easily, but not Styx.] It'd kill me if you believed in me like that 'nd I just ruined shit.

[When his face reappears, it becomes obvious that there is far more to this than she knows, perhaps even more than he can really articulate. It's there in his eyes; this is a wound that runs deep, and maybe even only partly caused by the fact that he's been beaten down by people's preconceptions of him his entire life. He always mentions such things so casually that she knows those burrs have to be hooked in deep; he never makes a big deal out of how he sees himself because he just accepts that other people have always been right.

She exhales as she turns slightly to face him, no longer hip-to-hip as her knees angle inwards so that she can reach to take both of his hands in hers and give them both an encouraging squeeze.]

That's just silly.

[Not his feelings, because she would never dismiss how someone felt about a situation out of turn, but that he thinks he could disappoint so easily.]

Everything could go wrong and I still wouldn't be able to think of it as 'ruined,' no matter where or what it was. You can't let me down, because caring about someone isn't about... holding them to some secret set of expectations. And I wouldn't want you to be any different from exactly how you are now.

[That is, his size isn't and never has been a concern.]

I know it might seem like that's easy to say, and it's just words, so maybe it doesn't sound all that reassuring, but— I do mean it. If we're together, there's no such thing as 'ruined,' it's simple as that.

[without thinking he winds their fingers together, wanting to feel that comforting presence even more than those sincere words being dropped on him with ruthless abandon. it's far easier to understand.]

...not at all?

[he just...it isn't even that it feels too good to be true. something about that sort of blind faith being placed in him feels wrong, like a dissonant note suddenly struck out of turn. the drummer didn't believe that Karin would stop caring about him if he fucked up - well, if he only fucked up a few times - but that made it all the more frightening to think about letting her down. she's already put so much trust in him with her heart, her friendship, her beginnings...when she tells him he was exactly how she wanted him, right in this moment, it feels as if she's trying to tear down her own happiness.

how could anyone want this? there's so much he needs to improve...wants to. there was so much he would never be able to fix.]

[She shakes her head firmly in response, letting their fingers intertwine easily.]

Not at all.

[She gives his hands another squeeze for emphasis before she continues, opting to expand on that a bit. Everyone has room for improvement all the time, in some respect, but there's nothing wrong with who he is— the parts of himself that she knows he thinks are unacceptable, that set him apart in the worst way, just because other people have told him so.]

We all make mistakes sometimes, and that's okay. People mess up, and that's part of being human. It doesn't mean we stop caring about the people around us, because we are all more than our mistakes. They're part of who we are, but they don't define us. And who you are? That's not a mistake.

[Not his size, or the way he sees the world— his kind heart, his patience, his generosity. How could someone like him ruin anything? It just doesn't make sense to her.]

So... don't worry about not being able to change who you are. I wouldn't want you to.

[I'm glad you're here.

the words are completely different, and yet in the drummer's mind Karin's speech echoes with the sentiment of his own bonded. the way he was wasn't a mistake. he wasn't a mistake.

every time he's told something like that it feels like a small miracle, something unbelievably precious that couldn't possibly be meant for an oaf like him. but it was...happening more and more in this world, wasn't it? there were so many people who cherished him outside of the band, who weren't just willing but happy to experience him exactly as he was in these trivial little moments.]

I-

[Styx's throat closes up around his words instantly, thick with the suffocating weight of emotion. he tries to speak again, jaw convulsing, but abandons the endeavor entirely when he realizes the sting at his eyes are tears.]

...shit.

[a murmured, half pitiful expletive before he pulls one hand away from that comforting grip to press up against his face. he doesn't want...he's not sure that he can bear to be seen like this, torn open in the most disgusting way by such a common compliment for other people.]

I—

[It's not the reaction she had expected, and her expression immediately shifts to one of concern as she lays a hand against his shoulder, brows knit together for a moment just beneath her bangs.]

I'm sorry if what I said was too much, but I want you to know that I mean every word of it.

[And he can let it out, if he wants to. For as kind as he is, it's moments like these that make a dull ache settle in her chest, proof enough that he's had so little kindness extended to him in his life.]

Are you okay?

...nah.

[because he doesn't want to cry, not here in front of people. it hurts Styx to have to admit at all that he isn't fine, let alone shame everyone with the pathetic scene of tears spilling down his face. Karin hadn't said anything wrong. she hadn't even said anything strange. it was just...too much. too many people caring.

his entire body trembles violently from the force of keeping his tears in, shoulders scrunched up to the point they may collapse in on themselves like a black hole at any time. he's glad for his screwed shut eyes and the hand pressed against his face, blocking the entirety of his view; he doesn't think he could bear to see his friend's expression right now.]

[She hesitates for only half a moment before she turns to face him squarely, dropping her hand from his shoulder so that even as his face remains covered, she can put both of her arms around his middle and hug tight. She buries her face against his collarbone as her wings flare, extending only to fold once more so that they encircle the both of them, shielding him from the view of any potential passersby.

It's not exactly inconspicuous, but it's privacy.]

It's alright. However you feel— that's okay.

[There's nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide. She exhales, still close enough that her breath will gently roll across any exposed skin near his collar.]

I'm here.

[honestly, even in his best state of mind Styx isn't equipped to consider the fact that a display like that would likely only attract more attention to them. right now all he can understand is that there's something between himself and the rest of the world, if not Karin. it's immensely relieving but at the same time just as unbearable, because -]

's not ok.

[that he was shaking even more violently now, causing the feathers in her wings to shiver around them, or that he was forcing the harpy to act as an anchor for his issues...none of that was fine. he was ashamed, so fucking guilty, biting down on his lower lip hard enough to taste blood in his attempts to keep those tears from falling.

this wasn't the sort of comfort he wanted to take from Karin. he didn't want to fucking use her.

...shit, fuck. an ugly little sob escapes him, near silent, when he feels a tear or two slide down his face and into the crown of her hair.]

[She maintains her hold on him, her embrace firm just as his had been when she had needed a shoulder to cry on. She hadn't meant to bring all this on when she'd stopped to say hello, but there is no hesitation in how fully she offers her support. Whatever he's feeling— she would never discourage it, or tell him to swallow it down. He may not think it's okay, but she can't imagine trying to hold something like this in. That cracked sob— that's the sound of someone who's been pretending to be alright for far too long.]

It is.

[He doesn't have to like the way he feels— who would? Nobody wants to hurt, but letting it out isn't a sign of weakness by any stretch. She can feel those tears against her hair, few though they may be, and she gently runs one hand down the length of his back, an offer of comfort.]

You can just let it out. I'm here for you, the same way you always are for me. You told me to cry it out— now it's your turn, if you need to.

I don't - don't wanna.

[his words, already struggling to emerge, sputter to a painful halt when Karin strokes his back. it is comforting, but it also sends a shiver down his spine. he's never...has anyone ever touched him like that before?

the thought is too much. the tiny fracture his sob had created in already weak armor splits in two, and with another shuddering noise the tears at last fall in earnest. he leans too much of his weight against the harpy (will he crush her? her bones are so frail now...) but the drummer can't right himself under the internal pressure of his sorrow. he doesn't want to, feels awful for doing this...but there's no stopping it now. he's too far gone.]

[open] oh lamia please try to help me

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sure wish i had a crying icon wheeeee

someday... a crying icon

one day when my wallet has the fortitude

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