middaeg | (closed) listen, honey, can you see?

[ Anxiety rises the longer he sits alone in the restaurant – a full fifteen minutes early – and it's not due to any of his own feelings of trepidation. No, painful as this conversation might be as a result of their Bond forcing them to experience it doubled, Sasuke's lines are rehearsed and his objectivity is working overtime. What he's feeling is Jonas's worry as he draws nearer and nearer, dark eyes immediately lifting to him the second the door opens.

The outfit suits him a little too well, tailored to the hot weather unlike Sasuke's: a dark, laced-up vest over an even darker shirt. The sleeve covering his arm is almost long enough to hide his bracelet, even... but only almost. ]

Not long, though I ordered you water and tea. I thought about choosing your meal also but decided I should give you some freedom. [ Here he pauses, knowing very well that beating around the bush will just make this more painful. ]

... had you been thinking about that long? Posting that to the network.

(it's sobering, spotting the bracelet on his wrist. getting it for him in anticipation of their bond was a no-brainer, but now, as he considers it, it seems like something much more than that. he spots it because he's been hesitant to look sasuke in the eye for more than a few seconds at a time, then there's a quietly dramatic shift in his mood when finally his courage roots itself beneath him.

meeting his gaze with a "oh, yeah? well, thanks for that," voiced at the mention of water and tea—something he wouldn't normally think to drink but seems refreshing now—jonas leans forward to rest his elbows on the table.)

Right to the chase, uhhh... I wanna' say maybe for a couple weeks? So, not that long. (an opening of his hands before his fingers lace together, only shifting when their drinks arrive and he has to make room for them.) Me liking you, though– that started a while ago. I can't really think of any specific dates.

[ "Right to the chase."

Is he addressing it too quickly? It feels almost merciful to avoid beating around the bush, but now he's wondering if he should've-- no, he can't facetiously act as if things are normal and easily engage in small talk now. That's never been one of his skills. The best he can do is to stay calm. ]

... I don't understand that. [ Even with a pause and time to think the ill-advised words slip out, already admonishing himself privately. ]

Stiles and I are two very different men. But you have these feelings in equal measure for both of us?

That's alright, it's okay. (without even sensing it through the bond, jonas knows to offer a placation, not to sasuke's words but to the confusion they convey.

it's normal to not know what the hell's going on. he doesn't either, so to judge sasuke for it would be inconceivable. not to mention hypocritical and jonas has never considered himself that.)

I don't know... there's no way to measure it, for me. And I can't pretend like I'm not drawing on other people's relationships here to kinda' use as a guide for all this. I just know I care a lot about you guys, (the confession's out of him, different in person, feeling pleasantly sick in a way that makes his fingers squeeze together,) and you're worth the shot.

Jonas, [ he begins measuredly, well aware of the response he's likely to receive and trying to anticipate the nuances of it. ]

I'm not. I know that you see value in me, but our experiences and our views when it comes to things like this aren't alike. Your attraction is something you called casual. I'm incapable of viewing things in that way, and it would be a burden on you. Besides that, the things that you've seen in my past aren't things I've left behind; I still live them.

I think that you would suffer with me.

(jonas struggles to keep himself from interrupting. his eyes are low, because if he looks at him it'll show in his eyes and it's already present in prominent feelings shared across their connection: indignation, his friend's circumstances making him angry; melancholy, remembering exactly what memories sasuke lives with; confusion, never able to fully understand how.)

Alright. (he doesn't want to accept it, but wouldn't it be impossible to debate him on something he's already made up his mind on?) But I gotta' know something first, before I give it up and this just becomes history.

Are you telling me all of this because you aren't interested, or... because you are? I won't fight, or judge you, or make a big deal out of either. I just– I don't know. Have you given dating any thought, or is this the default? Not even me, just in general.

[ The cocktail of emotion is unwelcome but necessary, well aware of his need to feel all of this in spite of how much he might not want to. Jonas is important to him, this moment is important, and he won't do him the disservice of tuning something out just because it brings with it regrets and guilt. ]

... I've been asked out on dates before. Back then I was always focused on my training, my goals, getting stronger. Now my focus has shifted, but that doesn't mean romance is a priority for me.

My life has always had a plan and direction. There isn't room for something like this. [ Which both is an answer and isn't, and yet it's the best he can offer when he won't allow himself to consider it fully. ] I think that Stiles will be able to support you, however. You two have a sense of ease when you're speaking to one another... There's a happiness there. If you wanted to ask my opinion, I'd tell you to pursue him.

(maybe it was a mistake to put this on him. a part of him knew it'd be treated soberly and with the severity he's experiencing now, everything practiced and patient and final. it's disappointing, it hurts, but jonas swore.

"there isn't room for something like this.")

Yeah, I'd really rather not hear that kinda' thing right now. But thanks for... wanting what's best for me, I guess. And for being real with me. (that post allowed them both far too much time and simultaneously too little. he should've given them notice, tipped them off somehow so this would be easier to handle. true to form, jonas sighs at his own ignorance.) Jesus, I'm ordering something way stronger than tea the next time that waitress comes back over.

(there it is, the laugh they'd been discussing before the full moon. the anxious, silence-filling jokes that leave him fumbling awkwardly for something meaningful to say.)

You– uh, sorry for... you know. I hope this doesn't fuck anything up.

Edited (god damnit) 2020-06-16 03:31 (UTC)

[ The reaction he's given – all uniquely Jonas, peppered with gratitude and laughter even through discomfort and awkwardness – makes him wish he could fix this in a satisfactory way. He told him once that he wished his life was simpler. Now, here, he's wishing it again, viewing romantic attachment as an intangible far-off goal in a life burdened with far too many but if things were simpler maybe he'd understand it by now. Maybe he'd have concrete, understood wishes. Maybe there would be room, even for someone who wasn't a woman.

Self-criticism seeps into their Bond but he's quick to act anyway, turning his head with a raise of his hand to flag down the waitress. ]

A beer. ... Two beers, [ he amends, deciding he shouldn't put Jonas through this alone. Then she asks for the kind he wants, and his authority flags as he glances back to Jonas for help. What... kind... How many kinds are there? ]

(his worry goes unanswered, met instead with a berating sasuke inflicts on himself. this isn't how things were supposed to go, jonas naively thinking they could at least spare each other the self-reflection part of the turn-down.

the waitress is practically a godsend, his friend willing to meet him halfway with the order that makes him raise a brow. they did discuss this the night he gave sasuke that bracelet, didn't they?) –oh, uh, what's on tap? (a smoother interjection, trying to peer around the woman who patiently leans to one side so her customer can take a look at the board of specials.)

No sweet stuff. How about bitter tastes? Maybe something on the mellow side– and thaaat is entirely Gaelic. Uh, a pale ale and a red ale. I don't know brands, so whatever your suggestion'd be for those, I guess? Thanks.

(a very courteous "no problem, i've got just the thing," and she's slipping away with their order. which leaves jonas to indulge in a conversational second wind, straightening.)

One of each kind, so you can try both and see which one you like. That sound good?

[ It's all a foreign language to him and he indulges himself in watching Jonas navigate the waters, clearly unsure of himself too and yet far more equipped to answer than Sasuke had been. A pale ale and a red ale... Like teas? He struggles to imagine a variety of flavor profiles when he thinks of the single beer he's had so far with Trevor, the taste so unique and powerful that he can't picture it altered. ]

Ah, sure. Thanks.

... I don't have any real interest in the beer; I care about it because you care about it. I can only hope that alone tells you that things won't change. [ And they won't, not if he has his way. ] I won't mention Stiles again, it was just important to me that you know how I feel.

[ Not that he has any right to give his blessing, so to speak. But if he were Jonas... well, he feels he'd want it. ]

(isn't this supposed to be an effort to stem his tide of feelings for sasuke, not bolster them with sweet, disarming words? what's said is comically thoughtful, jonas sighing out a laugh with a steady stare across the table. he can be so infuriating sometimes.

shakes his head, tired. it's been a stressful day, yet there's no place he'd rather be.)

I know, and you know I had to take my shot. So, I guess that makes us even now. (after speaking with itachi, he's now realized how much time he's wasted here with the belief he was only drifting along without any real future or destination. now, however, with sasuke's and stiles' encouragement, jonas feels permanent. wanted, cared for, stronger because of it. it's been a while since he's experienced that.) Gotta' say, though, Sasuke... if you don't have interest in the beer, you don't have to drink it. That goes for pretty much everything in life.

... and I think that's the wisest thing I've ever said. (nice.)

Edited 2020-06-18 23:15 (UTC)

... you've said wiser things than that. [ Jonas... ]

Of course you have to do things in life that don't interest you or that you find distasteful. At any rate, with food in particular a lack of interest doesn't mean inherent dislike or rejection. [ But he's being pedantic and seems to catch himself in that, just far far far too late. He sits up straighter, casting a side-eye in the direction of the woman pouring their beers and very clearly waiting until she's approached, placed both on the table, and left again before he's willing to speak. ]

Jonas... The reasons I gave you, do they make sense to you? I want to know if it's enough; there's more I could say. [ ... ] About me. Not you. [ Awkward. ]

(smiles in self-adulation as sasuke compliments him, wiggling further into his seat.) Sometimes, but you can make almost anything into something enjoyable. Like... at the campfire you saw, with Alex and everyone. I didn't want to do it, but I found a way to enjoy myself. By, like, drinking and smoking and being really sarcastic.

My point is– mm. (takes an immediate swig of the pale ale, eyes closing at the wonderful taste that's already started to take the tension out of his shoulders. sasuke was right, maybe he does feel a little too deeply about ordinary things, but there's no regret across the bond.) Sorry. That's my whole point.

You don't have to do that, because I'm not gonna' force you into giving me a whole list of reasons, man... I didn't even need one reason. If you'd just said, like, "No, but we can still be friends," or even gave me a, "Gross, in your dreams," I'd have accepted that too—even if the latter would've been a devastating blow to my self-esteem. The "why" is your business, not mine. (motions across the table between them, raising a brow.) If you wanna' tell me, then I'm gonna' sit here and listen. And if not, then that's also cool.

I did not get the impression that you enjoyed that. [ At... all... but he takes Jonas's point, even silent for a moment or two as he fully contemplates it. Can he find ways to enjoy himself even in otherwise unpleasant situations? No, of course he can't. He can seek out quiet (while remaining lonely) and company (while feeling out of place) but those don't necessarily bring happiness.

And yet here Jonas is, effortlessly bringing about a spark of joy in him solely by enjoying his drink so much, the feelings filtering through their Bond and causing Sasuke to look up with a momentarily surprised expression before he wrangles it back under control. ]

The "why" is your business too. You're telling me what the acceptable bare minimum is as if we don't have any relationship at all. I don't owe you a better answer, but I don't owe you my time either. This is what a friend would do. [ As usual he nearly stumbles over that word but soldiers on, suddenly picking up that red ale for a brave swallow as he continues on without even acknowledging his opinion of the flavor. ]

People in my family form powerful connections with others, more powerful than is normal in my world. It's strong enough that it's all-encompassing... It becomes something we think about all the time and find it hard to live without, and the loss of one of those people we care about is so powerful that it changes our biological make up. You saw my eyes in that memory, with Naruto. One was red, wasn't it? The sharingan is one power that we can awaken from such a powerful loss; I acquired it when my family members were killed. Then, after Itachi's death, it became even stronger. My mind and body were altered by that, physically.

I wouldn't... be able to process things with you casually. Such a step would be irreversible for me, no matter what you did to me thereafter. [ It feels so strange to be explaining this to someone when he hasn't even told so much as Naruto, chasing his discomfort with the openness with another sip of that beer. ] ... it isn't bad.

(being acknowledged as sasuke's comrade in the middle of this explanation is enough to silence him, having planned a gentle rebuke for the fact that any "no" means exactly that—full stop. it's the content of what's being said, distracted by his history, that makes him forget all about it, now caught up this bizarre why.

they were red. one was, his left eye. the other was purple, ringed, and now he's hearing those are the core elements of his abilities? what biological process is that, that loss could equate to more power? what about gain? wouldn't finding something he's always wanted to have or accomplishing something great invoke a greater feeling than that of sadness?)

...

(stares at sasuke's beer, then down at the table where it's left its condensation on polished wood, and squints.)

Yeah, I don't get this. I'm– I'm sorry, I'm just– it's a lot to take in. I've never heard anything like that before. What– why does your body do that? Why loss, why not something else? And you're saying if you dated me you'd feel like that? (should he feel good about it? it's a really fucked up compliment, isn't it? on the other hand, sasuke called him "friend"... has the damage already been done?) You know that I'm already– um, that I– well, I'm stuck here.

Is that okay, for you to be hanging around me? Like, is it going to hurt you at all?

[ There's something about the simplistic way in which Jonas responds that throws him out of the moment, brow furrowing as he fights the urge to... do what? Laugh? There's a tightness in his throat that's so uncharacteristic but since when has he shared one of his family's strange legacies with someone just to earn a very well-deserved "I don't get this" in return? ]

You don't need to apologize to me. I don't– [ He pauses abruptly in the middle of what he was about to thoughtlessly blurt out, realizing just what he's admitting to for the very first time. ] ... I don't really understand it either. [ A thumb swipes at a droplet of condensation, beer held loosely in his grip still. ] I just feel it. I used to ask "why" when it came to my family a lot but there were never answers. [ Why me. Why us. Why are they dead. Why am I alive. Why would Itachi lie, why would he choose to tell the truth. By the time he'd learned about his family's "Curse of Hatred" he'd taught himself that some questions just led to self-pity he couldn't afford; he'd accepted it blindly. ]

As for your other question... [ Eyes go to the door as Jonas reminds him of something he doesn't want to think about, the path through the restaurant seeming all too long. He averts his gaze again, muscles tense in his shoulders. ] I should probably focus on my duties, yes.

Do you want to order food too? [ He doesn't want to go. ]

(sasuke copes with his proverbial choke, wondering what the little frown is for until the mood seems to shift. the confusion seems to lift, no longer scrabbling to make sense of things, comfortable now that his bonded's revealed that he's none the wiser... there's solidarity in that that makes him lower his gaze to the table. a little humbled, a little embarrassed, but overall?

it feels better than it did. it's as good an—unexpected, unneeded—explanation as they're going to get.)

Well, I'd rather be in the dark with you about it. Sometimes you just gotta' accept that some things are just plain weird, and the world's a weird place. Every world, it seems. (his eyebrows have lifted into disbelieving amusement. not at the inexplicable nature of sasuke's family, but at the conversation and how many turns it's taken in such a short period of time.) So, I'll order food and...

I won't tell your duties that we're hanging out on the sly if you don't. You wanna' split one of these appetizers?

[ The tension he's holding onto suddenly dissipates all at once as he exhales, eyes carrying a hint of the strangely relieved smile he's refusing to allow to spread freely across his features. He should feel guilty, but he doesn't, not really. He should feel displeased with himself for not feeling guilty, too, and instead he just finds himself distracted by the other teen with whom he's socializing. ]

No, not even a little bit. They all look repulsive to me; it's the soup and the fish entrees I've been studying. [ How is this the lightest his tone has been yet? He doesn't question it, instead taking another sip.

Oh, perhaps that's why. ]

More and more I wonder if we should discuss your taste level...

My taste level, huh? (a low laugh over the rim of his beer, sasuke's relief causing his shoulders to sink out of the hitch he hadn't realized they'd raised into. ) In food, or in people? I'd think you'd need that intervention before I did... but...

(smirks when his eyes finally raise from the menu that's been laid flat on the table, thinking that sasuke wears that look well. a quieter, relenting kind of expression, but still one that's prevented from growing into anything substantial. it's so uniquely him that it's hard to imagine glancing away from it, not realizing the waitress is at his elbow until she asks if they'd like to order.

jonas stiffens, startled into blurting out the first thing on his mind:)

S-Sorry, I'll have– uh, do you wanna' do the fish and I can get the soup? Mom and dad always split stuff and, like, we usually swapped bites or portions of our food. Could be good? ... I'm gonna' need something else, too. A seafood pancake.

(points to the option with a check on his bonded, seeking his opinion.)

[ Mom and Dad?

The titles have his head snapping back up after a brief second perusal of the menu, unsure how to digest the fact that Jonas has essentially just compared them to his parents. Already he knows how willing he is to discuss them with him, another fact he finds humbling, but it's all a bit of a blur when he's already feeling emotionally more vulnerable than he's used to feeling and he has to select a fish under pressure. ]

... sea bass, with extra salt and lemon. Broccoli soup. For his seafood pancake, use extra scallions. [ While Jonas looks to Sasuke, the waitress looks to Jonas. "Is that actually alright with you?" her gaze seems to ask. ]

It'll be better that way.

(blinking his surprise, sure he's been caught staring, jonas jerks his head into a nod.) Y-Yeah, well, I trust him. The... more the merrier. ("the more the merrier"? jesus.

jonas knew he wasn't cut out for the post-rejection dinner date, but he finds himself naturally draining a great portion of his drink to compensate. if there's something in his hands, he'll busy himself with it... even if that something's alcohol, which he's already ordering more of as an aside.

menus plucked away, the waitress is quick to abandon them. she's not too keen to stick around either.)

Thanks, you can never go too heavy with the... onion-like veggies. Or broccoli. I like fish well enough, but I never order it when I'm out so this'll be a pretty great treat. (what nonsense filler words are coming out of his mouth right now?) Is it hard or painful to eat this stuff, or does it just not do much to satisfy you? It'd be pretty sucky if you couldn't at least taste test everything.

... "the more the merrier"?

[ While Sasuke might not be able to recognize the effects of tipsiness as being what they are, he does realize that he's having a harder time wrestling his expression into impassivity than usual. His lips actually purse in his attempt to hide it, finally looking away as a last resort. ]

Hm. [ His face feels warm, the beginnings of an Asian flush he doesn't understand and which he'd find ill-named, but still he works at that beer. Nearly out, now, and on an empty stomach. ]

I can eat it without discomfort and I can still taste it too. As for actually gaining sustenance from it... I still retain a small amount, though it's less and less now.

Oh, shut– (watching sasuke's lips twitch and fight a smile until he turns his face away, almost forgetting to finish what he's started to say.) –up.

(vaguely reminded of the cave, two friends shoulder to shoulder, and tears one tried in vain to hide. how much has changed since then, finding himself feeling so fondly weak he seems to sink an inch with a quiet exhale? has sasuke introduced better influences like naruto into his life? is he one of them?

his bonded speaks and jonas leans onto a hand to regard him.)

Well, whenever you wanna' go out like this, I'm down. We should try as many things as we can. The... memories always end up more important than the meal. And I like that a lot. Even if it starts awkward, it turns into something you can look back on, like, "Jesus, remember that? You were so embarrassing."

Food's just got that effect. I think so, anyway.

Edited 2020-07-06 03:47 (UTC)

... this is a memory you're enjoying?

[ Okay, now the very slight waver in his voice is actually noticeable, the obvious amusement coating his incredulity. He takes a moment to clear his throat, all too purposeful as his voice steadies itself again and he actually sits up minutely straighter. ]

I'm not sure how many times you'll be able to ask me out... or how many times I can invite you to dinner in order to explain my situation. I suppose as many times as is needed if we need that excuse to see one another.

Instead of all that, perhaps we can have dinners to celebrate your successes in training or your passed exams.

Yes, actually, it is.

(there it is again, sasuke's attempt to keep himself from a laugh or smile. jonas can't help the way his own spreads almost conspiratorially, eyes creasing at the compliment it is. even if he restrains himself, there's something to restrain. which means it's a memory they're both enjoying, no matter how oddly it started.)

But that's not what I meant and you know it. Even if all I'm hearing right now is invitations to try for you again, which you really don't want to have happen. (jonas can make fun of himself, he's adept at that, and it just highlights sasuke's final suggestion anyway.) I'm down for that, though. The celebrations, since magic seems to be the only subject in my life that I've been acing. I just don't want us to have to... worry about tension, or anything. There won't be any on my end.

It's been so long since, like, I've asked someone out. The attempts were always super weird, but it doesn't feel that way with you. So... if we can just continue being good friends and supporting each other—god, that's so cheesy—then I'm satisfied.

(his tongue's loosening up, talking more than is standard. jonas doesn't realize, blathering on.)

We're Bonded, after all.

[ His glass hits the table with a misplaced triumphant sort of air behind the gesture, showcasing the fact that it's completely empty. This feeling of victory lasts for approximately five seconds before the second round is brought to them, mouth open to clarify that he hadn't ordered another before realizing that he would be working against his own interests. The flavor's not bad...

Fine. His fingers curl around the replacement, throat cleared. ]

There won't be tension. I have experience in– [ Realizing his distaste for his own wording, Sasuke wisely hesitates. Though now... hasn't he said too much to not explain what he means? ]

In... People have asked me to date them before, often. My family name is prestigious so it draws that sort of attention. I never felt I should treat them differently after telling them I couldn't and I never felt a need to, though I didn't offer as much information as I have with you. [ A pause, not having the sense to even wonder if such a thing sounds egotistical or braggy when it had always been such a sore spot in his life. ]

It seems difficult to do, when I imagine it from myself. Asking someone something like that, trusting them. I don't know how I would manage.

(pressing his lips together to stifle the laugh that still shakes his shoulders. between the glass being set down confidently and sasuke's resigned explanation, it's doomed to bubble up eventually.)

Oh, it's not that hard. I've been turned down a few times, mostly by people who heard about the crap that happened in Westedge. But... I think it depends on the person receiving the "bad news". (throwing up an air quotation with his left hand while his right reaches for sasuke's beer.

he pushes his own full glass across the table, a swap of taste and consistency. that's the best way to do it, trying a new one after acclimating to the first.) But this is new news. It surprises me, a little. Not in a bad way, I can see it—since I just did it—but you don't exactly project the "Hey, ask me out," kinda' vibe. (if it were anyone else sitting before him, jonas would've thought of the admission as a brag. but sasuke?

no. no, he doesn't believe that'd be a point of pride for him.)

We get along really well, we have some things in common, and I trust you with– uh, me, I guess... even if the post wasn't the way I wanted to do it, I'm still glad it happened. But it's probably smart to talk about other stuff and give this meet-up better associations.

(closed) listen, honey, can you see?

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