middaeg | [closed] june catch-all

[Their last conversation left him feeling awkward, uncertain, but he had volunteered to go with Lan Xichen to check on something called the Silent Forest, said to be showing signs of recovery after an expedition a few months back. An expedition Xichen had gone on, but Nie Mingjue hadn't been around for, so this is his first time wandering into it. The blackened dead trees are dusted with snow and there is a particular smell in the air, like decay, like rot. No game animals have passed through here recently that he can scent, and like its namesake, it is eerily quiet.]

Not a single animal smell or track since a few miles back. [He murmurs, dark eyes fixed on their surroundings, almost prowling with the way he moves through the trees with his fuzzy ears pricked for sounds that don't come. After a bit, he glances back; Lan Xichen has the map where the leyline is marked.] Getting close?

[Lan Xichen is eager to see the results of the efforts they put in those months back. It had been his first excursion out, too ambitious and unprepared for it, but he had felt accomplished at the end of that trip. He looks forward to a return and to be able to get away from the city for a bit. Just to clear his head.

When he comes to meet Nie Mingjue, his look is definitely unusual for him. Plain, local clothes (which are honestly better for the forge) and his hair pulled back more simply instead of with a formal style. Liebing and Shuoyue still remain at his side, sticking out against his dark palette with their clean white. The most obvious difference of course is the lack of head ribbon, but Lan Xichen doesn't look too bothered by the change. There is still pain, naturally, but it was a deliberate choice and he doesn't hold onto it. A-Zhan, however, gets to keep his. The squirrel stays perched on Xichen's shoulder as they travel, a tiny consultant as the man navigates.]

Mm, we should be arriving in the area we came to shortly. It was not well last time, so be cautious. The infection probably still lingers.

[At least in spots, but he hopes the forest as a whole will look better.]

It must have been a lively place once.

[He had noticed, certainly, the little things that seem different about Lan Xichen. He wonders what had happened to cause them. The clothing isn't so concerning - Nie Mingjue has himself adopted trousers and a close-fitting shirt and vest to keep from tearing his only set of robes on stray branches out here in the untamed forest. But the lack of a forehead ribbon... It's almost like seeing his friend laid bare, and he doesn't like it. Not like this. He seems almost solemn.

Asking, though... Right now, coming out and asking, his normal approach, seems wrong. Laying out their feelings never ends well these days and he isn't eager to argue yet again, not while they have to focus on their surroundings. (He'll fight down the distaste he has for the fact that he feels this way at all, unable to talk to his best friend.)]

It does, I can smell it. Like rot. [It lingers in the back of his nose, acrid and unpleasant, setting off some innate Monster instincts that say 'you don't want to be here'. There is a twinge of something else, too, the closer they draw to the spot marked on the map, however.] There is something underneath, though. Something fresher. There is snow on the ground but something grows nearby...

[He hacks down a skinny, half-fallen tree to clear it from the path, Baxia glinting.]

[He is happy enough not to talk about it, because he isn't sure yet how he feels. It would only make things worse, giving Nie Mingjue some conflicted, unstable answer while he searches his heart, possibly misleading his friend by saying something that comes at the moment but he isn't ready to commit to. If he has to explain why he chose this path, it will likely come out all wrong. It's better to just focus on their work and explore what it means to be in this place with no familiar clan symbols to support him. If he ends up regretting it, he should regret it fully before letting everyone else tell him what to regret.

He keeps his smile and enjoys the woods. If he is a bit more tired from the recent bouts of disagreements, it is no worse than hard training or any other political deadlock. Sometimes a battle is just not meant to be won. He can accept it.]

We were able to help before, by feeding energy into the leyline. Perhaps we can continue to do that. I would like to see this place grow.

[Grace would have liked to see it too, he believes. He should try to find the spot where they sat again, to reflect.]

I think it should be past that big tree ahead. Things do not look quite the same. It's difficult to recognize everything now.

[All he can do is hope that Xichen will come to him in the end. He can't force it, he can't make it happen any faster, he can't even make it go well. Nie Mingjue had once made him promise not to distance himself from the people who love him, but he realizes now that it was a promise Lan Xichen never could have kept.

It sobers his heart and plants seeds of dissatisfaction, but it isn't anything he can change. Lan Xichen is an adult and can make his own decisions and mistakes.

He doesn't smile, emotional walls up and professional face on, as they make their way through grown-over paths, hacking down vegetation, ears pricked for any sounds that aren't made by them.] The new energy helped to heal the infection? It would be encouraging if such were the case.

[His eyes land on the big tree in question, and he nods, adjusting their trajectory a little, slicing down blackened weeds that reach across for living beings, one full of magic.] If you try it, do not overexert yourself.

[Mingjue, with his burdens and frustration of finding his own purpose and heart, doesn't need the extra strain of hearing what Lan Xichen has managed to get himself into. He would definitely not want to hear that it involved Jin Guangyao and almost certainly jump to the conclusion that it was the other man's fault somehow. Lan Xichen has fought enough of the people close to him and he doesn't have any desire to add poor Nie Mingjue to the list. It would only upset him to know, and he should be thinking about his painting, not troubles and disagreements.

And getting away from it all makes Lan Xichen happy. It's just him and Mingjue and A-Zhan in the forest, a lot like his first trip out, with no hanging dread or tense words. Although his companion is unsettled by his appearance (or course he would be surprised), it's only a small physical change. He is sure that once he has some time to reflect it will all become clearer and he can address it then. First, though, the leyline. He's excited to find that spot again, searching the ground as he starts seeing plants he thinks he recognizes.]

It's fine, it's fine. I have been practicing, so I should be able to do it now.

[Actually, if he can channel the energy better, he would like to show off just a little for her sake.]

[It's at least good to get out. Mingjue can always feel new changes to his body coming on slowly, minor aches or twinges that herald something different coming in the future. The restlessness never really goes away completely. So the roaming, seeing more of this world, that's not so bad, all things considered. Even if he thinks he doesn't particularly like this place.

It's too quiet. His ears flatten for a moment as he looks around.

It seems they've found the leyline, however. Mingjue can feel something different about it, and can see the bare patches in the light layer of snow where scattered low plants grow with seemingly no rhyme or reason, surprisingly green and alive.]

Just be careful. I feel like something's going to happen. [Whether it will or not, it's impossible to say, but he doesn't want them caught unawares. He lingers nearby, just enough out of the way for Lan Xichen to do his magic, but close enough to intercept whatever threat might pour out of this silent forest.] It's the middle of winter out here. Are the plants because of- trying to heal the infection previously?

[It seems inappropriate to ask Mingjue about those changes, considering how things have fallen into discomfort lately. Lan Xichen tries, at least, to continue things as they were with his friend, but the gap between their experiences is rather great and he doesn't know the right approach anymore. It's easy to say that loyalty does not diminish even after a decade or a century apart, but that still doesn't make it easy to rekindle old steps when those patterns and some of the things he used to believe have already fallen off and found replacements. The love is no less, but the routine is quite different.

It's one thing if you are two lovebirds destined to be together beyond karma or any amount of living, but even then you might struggle. There will be misunderstandings and disagreements and pain. And if it is anyone else, the struggle only increases. It's awkward and raw. Lan Xichen has found this to be true.

And, yes, the very obvious obstacle of having a literal murder between them doesn't help matters. In the face of sect law and physical justice, Lan Xichen has certainly asked too much. But not content with that, he continues to ask for more, to desire for both of his sworn brothers to have something beyond any deserving rights or what he could properly afford to offer: happiness. Freedom from karma. No one deserves or can earn such things and to desire them is definitely blasphemy against the heavens themselves. Yet this one man, with no authority at all in the city, still dares to strive after it.]

I'm careful. [That answer is far too light.] I believe so. We fed our magic into the leyline here before, so it must have awakened some life buried beneath everything.

[He finds some small plants starting to sprout, a flowering grass that he could swear bear petals resembling leathery wings. He stops to kneel there, giving them a salute.]

Shijie, I have returned. I have brought my friend as well today. He is not a flaming metal creature, but you would like him if you had met.

[Mingjue is unlikely to offer insights into what's going on in his life first. He is just as uncertain what would be welcome or what would be necessary. The distance between them feels great, but barreling through it hasn't helped here so far, so he holds himself a little bit apart instead. Trying a new approach. It's entirely possible it won't work either, but he doesn't know what will.

Being so far apart from his friend certainly doesn't bring him any happiness, but neither does pretending that things are just the same when they aren't. It's uncharted territory and it needs to be scoped out first.

He shoots him a vaguely unamused look when he says he's careful, because Nie Mingjue isn't quite so sure about that, but he doesn't voice the thought.] That it still grows beneath the snow is strange. [He muses instead, taking up prowling the small area, always keeping Lan Xichen within eyesight. It's easier than standing still; his feet will be changing soon, he thinks, judging from the strange pains in his toes and the way his toenails seem warped. He'd take his boots off if it weren't for the Cwyld.

He pauses briefly, looking over Xichen's shoulders at the particular patch of flowers he's found, raising a brow.] Who is a flaming metal creature?

Do you think it is a bad sign? I thought it might be a good omen.

[But to be quite honest, Lan Xichen is the type to assume a great many things are good omens. If the man can look at a mischievous delinquent, for example, who drinks and fights after curfew, and declare that he has a very good feeling about that person, isn't that a sign of someone whose assumptions are naturally a bit too generous to always be accurate? Still, he has at least managed to get by so far in life.

Although that could also be said to be part of the problem. Despite many hardships over the years, Lan Xichen has managed to be blessed by the support and kindness of those around him. His congenial nature and innate optimism have always managed to win him allies in times of great struggle, leading him to believe that he doesn't have to pretend that things are really fine, because if he continues along the positive and productive path, they will be. In short, he's a little spoiled. He smiles up at his brother from the position he's kneeling in, eyes not doing much to hide his humor.]

It was just a thought. My friend had such a companion once, so I thought of it, but really you are nothing alike.

[You know, aside from the huge and intimidating part.]

What have you been doing recently, Mingjue? I wish to hear.

[He's actually eager, which is probably a sign that he had intentions behind their last exchange. Lan Xichen is no Jin Guangyao, and while his suggestions might be subtle at times his plans are not far reaching or well hidden.]

Not necessarily. I don't know what it means. [It is strange, that they grow so well, instead of withering and dying until spring, but it could be a good thing. He isn't educated enough in magic to know either way. It could just be the mood of the forest that still has him on edge, the lack of living sounds in his too-sensitive earshot. The smell of greenery overlaid with snow and rot. It's a curious mix for his enhanced senses.

He toes aside a bit of frost weighing down a patch of bright red, tiny flowers, and they spring back up almost cheerfully.] Mm. [A grunt of a response as he returns to his prowling in a short circle, ears pricked. It's easier to focus on that than it is to allow the thought to fully form - do you truly know what I am like anymore?

Mingjue's dark gaze flicks to Lan Xichen again, eyes narrowing at his eagerness. Maybe this is what the bad feeling was about. Talking. How funny if he's developing an instinct against it lately.] Trying to organize efforts to beat back Shades from the Outer City. [He says neutrally, stopping mid-prowl to lean in and sniff a particular twisted-trunk tree, then recoils from it, making a face. Smells like trouble.

Yeah, that probably isn't the answer Lan Xichen is looking for, but Mingjue is doing his best to avoid another deep talk.]

[The restless prowling continues, but Lan Xichen thinks that maybe it is just Nie Mingjue's impatience to hunt prey. After all, his conquests were always his greatest skills in the past. It's the first thing that the Lan thinks of, believing that his friend feels more at home in action and not finding anything wrong with that.

The answer to Nie Mingjue's internal question is probably not a great one. Talking has not been their strongest connection in the past, and while before they had the routines and demands of sect life to provide ways to fill in those gaps, here after so many years and in a new world entirely, it isn't as easy to know what someone is like. Lan Xichen is somewhat aware of this and tries in his way to provide what he thinks might be soothing or a new potential for bonding experience, but he is not like his elder sworn brother in a lot of ways and his tastes can certainly miss their mark. It shows in the way he remains quietly playful, trying to lure the other man into some deeper exchange because he thinks it will make them closer.]

Is that all? [He asks that with affected innocence.] Ah, don't get that close. They were like that before too. I think the infection is fading, but slowly. That is why I want to continue to support the leyline. To help the area heal.

[There is a little more seriousness in him when he says that. While he's trying to enjoy something new and personal with Nie Mingjue, he's still concerned for his safety.]

[It's a little easier like this with another focus, more space to move around. His attention is never off of Lan Xichen, but he lets himself explore and look and smell while he's here. Building up a mental catalog of scents is a practical, unspoken little project of his in order to improve his tracking and make use of a new advantage.] I'm keeping busy. [He says in response, tone just slightly clipped now, fixing him with a flat look before the slow roaming continues.]

I know not to touch it. I need to learn the scents of different infections. [Is it different when it's infected plantlife versus twisted, animalistic Shades? Those are just things he wants to find out.] Go ahead. Heal. Talk to your flowers. I will not go far. [Despite the way those words could be taken, his tone is not mocking; more like the tone of an irritably indulgent older brother who has taken his sibling on an outing. He came as protection for Lan Xichen, not the other way around, and he will not shirk that duty even if he could probably disappear and escape what feels like it's going to be a talk.]

[Well, that answer is a little disappointing. Did Nie Mingjue decide to disregard the painting after all? Lan Xichen thought that once he started it he would actually enjoy it and the rest would simply fall into place regardless of anything else said -- and if Nie Mingjue still wanted to Bond at that point, then he'd know it was not so much just a competition with Jin Guangyao -- but maybe he had just felt it too foolish. It wasn't like something like that would change their loyalty, and Lan Xichen did not need a Bond to care for his friend, so he assumes Nie Mingjue doesn't really either. It's nice, yes, and useful for certain situations, but a magical connection isn't so important. It was just another layer of agreement, and if they did or didn't, he was more concerned with seeing his friend have new opportunities for pleasure in his life. Painting had always been one of his little pleasures.]

Mm. All right.

[Well, maybe they could come up with another activity to do together. Something nice that didn't constantly remind Mingjue of his former sworn brother. Lan Xichen is trying to give them new places to meet, because it seems that lately all he is to anyone is Jin Guangyao's item. Like a prize or a reward, as the others had said it. He doesn't want to be seen that way.]

But you be careful as well.

[He closes his eyes and lays his hands over the ground as he did before, feeding magical energy into the leyline. Part of him is still distracted by the disappointment, thinking that Nie Mingjue is cross for some reason he does not understand and wondering what he should do to help. The obvious thing, of course, is to simply kill Jin Guangyao, but Lan Xichen can't bring himself to do that. Does that really mean that Nie Mingjue will stop considering him a friend? Truly? He hasn't thought that possible. Is that what this means? While he's contemplating that, the energy leaks out through his hands, draining from him steadily until he begins to feel weaker and tired, thoughts dulling as he sinks into the channeling trance.]

I will. [Lan Xichen's reply is more subdued now, and he lets the clearing lapse into silence for a bit, chewing over his own thoughts while Xichen pushes energy into the leyline in little pulses of light. He can practically smell the disappointment, and he knows what it's about. Or, he amends, he can guess, because it feels like there is very little that he knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, about his old friend. He isn't sure what would disappoint him, but it irritates Mingjue; surely, setting conditions like that, he can't actually care much what comes of it, can he? Maybe he stews a little. Just a little, the fire of annoyance at the whole request rekindled now.

He never strays too far though, keeps on high alert. This is the point where Xichen is most vulnerable to attack by Shades, as the Wilder explained before they set out. They would sense his clean magic if any were in the area, and they could come suddenly. Despite the awkwardness, despite his own uncertainty, he won't let anything happen to Xichen. He has never wished him harm, and never will.

After a little while, when he carefully takes note of what seems to be the beginnings of fatigue setting in, he kneels down by Xichen and rests a hand on his shoulder as if to nudge him out of his trance, indicating without words that he should take a rest.] Come on. I can tell you're tiring. [He says gruffly, trying to nudge him lightly away to sit.

After a few moments of stony quiet,] I am not oblivious to what you were asking after.

[He misses Grace.

They didn't know each other very long, but she had been patient with him, accepting his stubborn, selfish attitude when he first arrived and encouraging him to experience more of life. To suffer, perhaps, a little bit so he could learn from that experience too. And he had felt at ease in her presence, knowing that even if he got it wrong that she would be smiling at him anyway. No one in his past really smiles anymore. Even Jin Guangyao's smiles are often manufactured, even he knows this, and the loneliness is strange for him. If Nie Mingjue feels like he doesn't know Lan Xichen, there are times like this where Lan Xichen feels the same way, not knowing who he is or what has happened to him, and all he wants is to sink down into the earth with that leyline and become part of it instead. Something indifferent and at ease with itself.

The nudge makes him stir out of the depths of emptiness and he looks at Nie Mingjue with vague confusion as he comes back to himself. He does as he's directed, obeying the silent order to pull away and rest, because he cannot become the earth and must be a man instead. The rules of reality are simple like that. He stays quiet, just content to sit, when Nie Mingjue speaks and Lan Xichen raises his head.]

You think it is foolish? I know you would not have accepted it if I had simply made the suggestion. You've scolded Huaisang enough times to make that evident, but- I thought if you tried it at least you might change your mind.

[He steers him a bit away, to a patch of land that looks both relatively uninfected and also lacking in the cacophonous variety of tiny plants popping up around the leyline. He can sense that they're significant somehow and ensures they won't be trampled on.

Mingjue settles across from him, pulling out light, easy to pack food and a full water canteen from a satchel. His movements are brusque and no-nonsense as he tears off a chunk of bread and places it in Xichen's hand, sets the water canteen down in front of him with the cap twisted off.]

I think it was insulting. [He says bluntly, but his voice doesn't raise, slightly quieter than normal out here in a forest devoid of sounds.] I don't understand the point. The only enjoyment I have ever gained from art comes second-hand from seeing loved ones enjoy it. But more than that...

More than that, you kept bringing up Bonding, and then you made it conditional. No matter what task it was I would be insulted. Do you think you cannot simply tell me that you don't want it? I do not want to ask from you more than you are willing to give and I would not abandon you if you refused. You made me promise, so I will paint, because I keep my promises, but if the idea of bonding with me is just something to be used as a reward for good behavior, I do not want it. I deserve more. We both deserve more than that.

[He makes an impatient little hand gesture.] Eat.

Edited 2020-06-10 05:55 (UTC)

[He had expected Nie Mingjue to be irritated by the request, certainly, because it was something he wasn't particularly fond of, but the length of that irritation is actually a surprise to Lan Xichen, who looks stung and shocked when Nie Mingjue lays that out. A reward for good behavior? That certainly had not crossed his mind, not really, because he had never assumed it would change their relationship. The realization is hard, and Lan Xichen sits holding the piece of bread in his hands with numb bewilderment.]

I never said I didn't want it. [The shame is already washing over him, and Lan Xichen suddenly does feel foolish, because this is nothing like what he had intended.]

I thought you would enjoy it. It's only because you never had the opportunity to give it a chance, so I thought...

[Yes, he had thought that once Nie Mingjue had gotten a chance to do something that was more relaxing he would just naturally become more at ease with the idea. Maybe not painting in the end, but something similar. Instead, it only made his friend more angry and hurt than before.]

Of course you deserve more. I would only do it if you really wanted to do it, but it's because you deserve more that I didn't want to agree too quickly. What if you had time to think and found someone you really liked? You shouldn't Bond with me just to protect me or to make me feel better. If you wanted to Bond with me for something more, then I could never refuse you. But didn't you just get your life back? And won't any thought of Jin Guangyao only increase your suffering? I want most of all for you both to be happy. It was my mistake before to force you into such things. I wouldn't do it again, but I thought if you had a challenge to start with you would naturally conquer it like always.

[Once he starts, all of it just spills out like an upset tea cup. Lan Xichen might be picking up a little of Jin Guangyao's unstable emotional state through the Bond as well, but even without that, the painful truth is enough to provoke his confessions.]

I didn't mean to make it conditional. I was going to ask again after, to see if your thoughts had changed once you thought it over. Why shouldn't you have better? Don't do it if you hate it. I never wanted to cause you pain with that request. I just want you to find something that makes you happy.

[But, saying that, what does he know about finding such things?]

It is better if you abandon me as well.

You gave me no indication that you did, only that you were uncertain, so I would not have brought it up again. [Not unless he had been ready to talk about it, discuss it.] You did. While I was nursing a freshly-broken bond. And then that. How did you think I would take it? [It comes out like a broken dam spilling his frustration, his confusion, his agitation of the past several days.] How did you think that would feel?

[He scoffs out an irritable sound.] You think I don't truly like you? Have I not told you I do? If you cannot see my heart, if you have not seen it by now... [It's maybe not the newest self-realization, but it rings true for him now. His heart cannot be shown in lines of ink and paint on silk. His heart has always been in actions and gestures of care, laid bare that way, at odds with his own grumbling.]

No. We will not talk of Jin Guangyao. [He slaps a hand down on the ground like one would slap a table, pointedly.] This does not involve him, it is between you and me, Xichen. Let at least this be between just us. Do you know why I wanted to Bond with you, for the brief period of time that I let myself want it? I thought maybe that way we could learn to understand each other again, because words have gotten us nowhere. I don't want to keep hurting you, or being hurt by you. I want to understand you.

You keep telling me I need to let go of the past, but the good things in my past are my foundation, as rock-solid as the battlements of the Unclean Realm. I can build the new on top but if I chip it all away, everything will crumble. You are one of those good things.

[How did he think he would take it? Well, badly, but the surprise is more at the way Nie Mingjue happened to take it badly. Lan Xichen may have expected the general frustration and disgust because of the whole idea instead of thinking that his friend would seriously take interest in him and be offended by his lack of forethought and consideration.

The whole time, had he already really given up when Nie Mingjue hadn't? That comes as a great shock. Even if Lan Xichen still cared deeply for his friend, he had perhaps been too quick to assume his own guilt and connection to the enemy would destroy any possible hope for happiness. Just to have a few good weeks, he was ready to submit to any punishment and had ultimately thought that at the end he would return to his own seclusion, an accomplice to a criminal like his father. Wasn't that really what he deserved?

But Nie Mingjue hadn't given up on him. He slams his hand down in frustration, using a familiar gesture as if he were in the war room again, and declares without hesitation that the past is his foundation. It sounds so simple and easy when put that way.]

Yes. [He answers with a breathless awe. He hasn't really changed much, has he? Nie Mingjue is still the untamed force he always was, tearing through obstacles with ease.] I'm sorry, Mingjue-xiong. I was wrong. I thought I could bear with being hurt as long as you were safe, but I did not try to understand. Please.

[His voice trembles, although only slightly because he keeps it soft. He can't cry now. Not this time, when Mingjue is trying to make his point and Lan Xichen has already made him frustrated enough by his confusion and wavering emotions. This is good and he can't cry. Don't cry.

He lowers his head to hold that back.]

I want to understand now. I thought that anything I might say would be unwanted. An insult to you after everything, and I tried not to desire too much. But I do. I miss my friend, who never had any fear and always indulged me even if it was something stupid to ask. How do I return to those days? I love them and him, but I am no longer the person who could freely ask for kindness and feel no shame.

Why do you think I would want that? [He asks seriously, a deep furrow in his brow.] To see you hurting, punished? I am- learning, here, that my own definitions of right and wrong must be reevaluated. I do not blame you for anything that happened before and you need to stop blaming yourself on my behalf. [He draws himself up a little straighter, still seated.] It's not your responsibility to keep me safe or to suffer in my stead. I don't want that. I have only wanted to stand by each other's sides, as we used to.

You were right that past resentments could destroy me if I let them, but Xichen, your guilt will destroy you if you let it. This is why I made you promise not to distance yourself, you are isolating, thinking you need to be everyone's caretaker. I have never needed a caretaker, only a friend. [He's a grown man who has shouldered responsibility beyond his years since he was a teenager. He made mistakes, sure, but he's starting to fix them now.

He only hopes that this isn't another mistake to add to the list.

Mingjue reaches out, two rough fingers under Lan Xichen's chin to try and tilt his head back up, gently.] Look at me.

I am sorry if you thought that I am not still that man. I am, or I still want to be. [He lowers his hand, keeping his gaze, steady. His voice is a little softer now, under the usual edges of it.] Even if I do not like what you have to say, I would prefer to hear you say it, Xichen, as long as it's the truth. I want to hear you now. What do you want? Not what you think you deserve, or what you think I desire, what you want.

Let us find the road forward together.

[Lan Xichen is silent, holding back his tears as he listens to his friend's voice. Nie Mingjue, who had been something of a symbol himself to Lan Xichen. A person always willing to fight for good, always righteous and just, and even though they were peers, part of him had always thought as a young man that as long as he was fighting alongside that man, then it was a sign that he was right. Being at odds with him went deeper than disagreement. Lan Xichen had not just been wrong. He had been part of the cause of his friend's death, a flaw in the steady fire of justice that had ultimately allowed it to be extinguished. And after that he had harbored sympathy, and still harbored sympathy, for the hand that had ended the light he had looked up to.

Nie Mingjue was right in that it did not really involve Jin Guangyao. The third sworn brother might have been the one that had brought them all down, but he wasn't the one that made Lan Xichen feel the most guilty. There might easily have been other crimes or other moments he strayed off the path even if Jin Guangyao had never existed, because what had really torn at Lan Xichen's heart was how ultimately tarnished it was. Seclusion had been his own fear of what he might do next, stricken by how easily not only one, but two people could provoke him into dishonorable actions. If he thought as a teenager that as long as he had good intentions the little allowances he made could not be considered criminal, the amount of destruction that followed made him dread every small allowance, turning it all into guilt. And he had been obsessed, yes, of freeing everyone else of that guilt.]

Shouldn't I be punished?

[His brother had been severely punished for his actions. And in the end he hadn't been wrong. Yet it had been a violation and everything in the sect still told him that punishment was deserved. Live righteously or pay for your misdeeds. He raises his head to look through frustrated tears at him, no longer serene and smiling, but lost in the conflict of his own emotions.]

You are still the man I remember, Mingjue. You have always been. I am the one that has changed. I'm no longer the person who could stand at your side and say honestly that I am pleased with everything. My own desire? I want my innocence. Or at least to fall so far that I am no longer aching, torn between what I know is right and what I feel compelled toward. If you say I am guilty, at least then I know how to act. But even my Uncle wants to forgive and I am alone.

Edited 2020-06-10 20:50 (UTC)

By punishing yourself like this, you are punishing everyone around you who only wants to understand and to stand at your side! [He thinks of Wangji across the table, a shattered cup of tea in front of him, tears gathering in his lashes. He doesn't understand either, any more than Nie Mingjue does, but he does not want to lose his brother just the same as Nie Mingjue does not want to lose his friend.] What will it take, for you to forgive yourself, so that the rest of us can forgive you and have you believe it? Would your shijie not want for you to find forgiveness? [He gestures toward the flowers across the little clearing, the ones Xichen had knelt to and spoken to as if they were something precious.]

None of us will ever be the same as we were, but we don't have to throw every part of ourselves away either. You have suffered punishment enough. So have I, so has Wangji. No one can give you back your innocence but if you stop pushing us away to self-flagellate, and trust us a little more, maybe you can help us understand why you are hurting and how we can help you. [He reaches out a hand to clasp around Xichen's, rough and firm, nails just slightly sharper than they used to be.]

I fear you will buckle under the weight of the burdens you carry if you keep on like this. You say you miss me, but you don't have to. I am not afraid to help you shoulder the weight.

I- [He looks to the flowers that Nie Mingjue gestures to, falling quiet again. No, she wouldn't want him to suffer like that. She would probably disagree with it, if he really asked her. It's been a confusing road, trying to navigate alone what is wrong or right and only having a set of rules demanding obedience as a steady foundation. It was too easy to fall back on those rules. Safer. A comfort when he was flailing around, just trying to find a way to make sense of himself. Even if he's being told he's guilty and tainted, at least he's being told something.]

I don't want to hurt you. I am afraid. Each day, I'm afraid that coming here was a mistake.

[Coming out of seclusion was also safe, but it didn't give him any answers. It let him run away, to keep from forcing himself to decide anything. Lan Qiren could direct him, disapprove, and the world could move on without any risk of doing wrong again. Devoting himself to everyone else's happiness was, as Nie Mingjue noticed, a way for him to punish himself and give himself some hope of doing the right thing without challenging their beliefs. And at least then he could feel he was acting the way he should act, following those rules that offered easy guidance.]

Mingjue. [His eyes fall to the hand holding his, sure and firm.] How do I do what is right? I wish to follow you, but I no longer know if I really believe what I should. I don't know how I came to this point either.

I don't want to hurt you either, but nor do I want to lose you to this. If you truly leave me behind then let it be because you want to part ways. [Not because he thinks it's what's best for Nie Mingjue. The former Sect Leader does not need to be coddled or looked after.] Do not let yourself be paralyzed by fear. If you do make a mistake, then own it and do better next time.

[Mingjue knows he's made his own share of mistakes. Making up for them, putting them out in the open, it is hard, but can also be comforting. He made a mistake with Huaisang, never quite viewing him as grown up while he still lived, too eager to shield him from the world. Never telling him why they fought so often, why Mingjue said and did the things he did. He found out much too late and if it weren't for this place, they never would have had the chance to get through it, to gain that closure.

He knows this must be hard for Xichen. The signs had been there from the very beginning, he thinks, but so much had happened. Even if this goes badly, even if they leave on sour terms again, he can only hope that maybe in the end this will have helped, even just a little. The truth can be a weapon but it can also be freeing.]

You have a kind heart. I do not believe that will ever change. Only you can figure out what you still believe in but if you want me in your life, then I would not cast you out for anything. I told you, I want to understand.

This is not home. Perhaps it is time for a new set of rules to live by. What do you feel is still right?

[Lan Xichen hesitates, but he nods in answer to the advice. Just hearing it given with a confident voice lets him start to believe that he is capable of acceptance again. It still won't be easy, won't really be sure, he thinks, but it feels closer than it did. His life doesn't have to be confined.

They are all finding out these things too late. It's easy to look back and see the mistakes and the problems that came from them, and less easy to accept and move forward. He tightens his grip a bit, clinging to the other man's hand as he grounds himself with it.]

I don't... know what is right. I only know I do not want to lose my brothers again. It is selfish, to want you back after so much as happened and when I am also to blame, but I cannot stop myself. Is my heart really so kind? I thought I would only cause you pain.

[That nod is encouraging, at least. Maybe he will realize now, maybe he will start to take steps to come out of his own emotional seclusion here. Mingjue knows he can't fix it all, that the bulk of it will be left to Lan Xichen, but he does want to support him. He does want to be there. They had an easy partnership during the Sunshot Campaign, trading conversation over war tables, providing mutual support and advice, two pillars supporting different efforts together. Why should they not have that in life as they did in war? They may disagree, and they may even disagree often, but for Nie Mingjue at least, that is a part of loving as well.

He tightens his own grip, as steady as a stone.] So start there. Do not lose us. Trust that I am capable of deciding what I can handle in my life. I want to be able to support you as well.

It causes me more pain to watch you dishonor those who have forgiven you, because you think you do not deserve it. Can they not decide for themselves? Do not blind yourself to everything but your suffering. You are loved, Xichen.

Edited 2020-06-11 00:03 (UTC)

[It is the first time that Lan Xichen has thought that he wanted forgiveness. Justice for had happened, yes, he had wanted that, and tolerance as well because it was something he believed might be within reach, but Nie Mingjue's words are the first that stir the desire for true forgiveness in him. It's a desire he hasn't really given much time to since his arrival, always shying away when the possibility arose because he had no way of measuring the weight of his guilt. How could he earn back forgiveness if he never made up for his mistakes?

But Nie Mingjue is there, offering that without any punishment or price at all, and it's a hard concept for him to take. With a rule that had each transgression marked and meted in penalty, something like this feels a bit like injustice granted in his favor.]

Tell me it is okay. [So that he can be sure. He has to ask, no matter how unfair it is.] Tell me I am still capable of acting righteously, even with these sins I can't escape.

[I love you. The words don't quite make it out, but his gaze looking back into Nie Mingjue's is stronger. More clear at least. I don't want to be confined anymore.]

I will trust you. And I am sorry that I could not before. I have been unable to trust myself since- Mingjue, I know it was for you, but my hand was forced. I feel unsure of it now. I am wrong, but when I saw what I had done, my only thought was that I couldn't do it. Since then, I have only wished that I could have shown more love when I had the chance.

[All the arguing, all the lecturing since they've been here, all the words that hit Nie Mingjue's heart like tender bruises, he thinks he can pack it up neatly and set it all aside. Xichen has been suffering too, and he has not seen the extent of it until now, pieces of the puzzle finally falling into place. Maybe it isn't the whole picture yet, but it's enough to see some of the image more clearly. They have hurt each other. It's only fair. They can also pick themselves up and be better, he wants to believe.

Tell me it is okay, he says, and while Mingjue wants him to believe that on his own, perhaps this is only the first step to it.] It is okay. You are always capable of acting righteously. You are kind and just at your core, this much I know. [Misguided at times, like with his painting request that landed poorly, but this humanization of the First Jade of Lan only makes Mingjue love him more. He isn't perfect, just as Mingjue is not perfect.]

I am sorry that we could not reach this point sooner. [His brow furrows a little when he mentions his hand being forced, and he exhales heavily.] I am sorry for that as well. [He won't blame Huaisang either, knowing the pain his younger brother experienced all those years.] You can take all those chances now. It isn't too late.

[He doesn't really believe it. The words that he asks for are things he can't believe, because someone that is righteous should know, and be sure, and not suffer from these doubts. What he knows is how much he has managed to fail his friends. He knows that he cannot be righteous, because a righteous man wouldn't be found doing the things he has done already and continues to do. But he hears those assurances coming from someone he loves and whom he does trust, and for a moment he can start to believe them. Even stained, he isn't lost completely. That's what he hears.

Lan Xichen has tried to hold himself together for Nie Mingjue's sake in this conversation. He's said as much as he could, trying to tell him what he really felt so that he wasn't leaving the man in the dark. Even if they ended up disagreeing, like Mingjue said, at least they could start to learn and stop hurting each other. Maybe the space between them would not be so great. So he did try. But then his sworn brother says those four final words and all the slowly building composure he has managed so far shatters into pieces. Lan Xichen lets out a broken sob, raising his one free hand to his face and crying openly into it, because a dead man is telling him now that it isn't too late, and those are words he has spent months dreaming of hearing and knowing unquestionably that they were never going to come. He cries pathetically, both from grief and closure, letting go of the rest of those hidden wounds.]

[It's not all black and white, and that is the strangest thing Nie Mingjue has ever thought. It goes against everything he grew up believing, his rigid sense of justice and fairness. This has been building since he arrived, the seeds of it first planted by an encounter with Wei Wuxian, a man whose death he had advocated for once upon a time. If he can find it in him to set that aside and look deeper with Wei Wuxian, how can he do any less for his sworn brother?

He will likely never stop being angry about how his life ended, but with time, maybe he can stop lashing out with that anger. Maybe he can be better than he was in life.

Tears are a familiar thing. It's automatic, to use the hand anchored to Xichen's to tug him over closer and slip an arm over his shoulders, rubbing his back. To let go of his hand to pull out a handkerchief, and press the soft silk into his palm. To lean over just slightly, as if to shelter him with his bulk. The forest is silent around them, the only noise Lan Xichen's sobs and Mingjue's breathing. It's his turn to keep his composure, though his eyes grow a little red around the rims, a little wet. Still the tears do not fall because it's his turn to keep it together, to be the rock.

He leans down, tips his forehead against the top of Xichen's head, and repeats a little quieter, but no less firm,] It isn't too late.

[He has been without Nie Mingjue for a long time. Since his death, Lan Xichen, the second oldest, did try to assume his place in a fashion. He tried to take care of Huaisang in Mingjue's place and be the supporting older sibling that he thought was needed. He had tried to be there, to provide answers, and to lead not only within his own sect, but for the people around him that he thought of as his family.

Lan Xichen is not Nie Mingjue. He doesn't blaze through the mountains destroying all of his enemies or command obedience with ruthless determination. He can never be the unyielding force that this man is, and in his absence, he had tried to maintain that status quo with his own means, only to strain until he found his own way of maintaining order. It had been different, yes, but he had eventually gotten used to thinking of himself as the older brother. Having that spot suddenly taken back is difficult for him to relinquish after so long, whether he wants to or not. Years have already past. He has changed.

He leans in, sobbing openly, mourning his losses all over again. His sworn brother and friend, his own innocence, his belief that if the three of them worked together that they could overcome anything.

His belief in many things.

His hand grips the handkerchief instinctively, accepting it, even though he can't do anything but allow the tears to pour down, wetting his lips with bitter regret as he slurs out apologies and repeats his brother's name. Once the grief has lessened some, Xichen only gathers himself together enough to shift slightly and throw his arms around his friend's neck, hugging him tightly.]

I missed you.

[There really aren't enough words to express what that really means.]

[It has only been a few months for Nie Mingjue, but he felt some of the after-effects of ten long years on his younger brother when their bond clicked into place. How hard it was for him. Now, he is perhaps seeing that it was hard on Lan Xichen as well, and he hates that it had to end so suddenly and so badly. He should have been here. He should have been the rock for so much longer than he was.

Slipping back into that protective role is like putting on a comfortable set of training robes, able to shift back into old movements and gestures. If he can be here for Lan Xichen, and even for Lan Wangji to a lesser extent, then he is doing something right with his second chance at life. So, no, he will not relinquish his elder sworn brother role easily, chafing against the thought of being younger (he technically is, now), being protected himself. He just can't picture it, it goes against his entire foundation.

This is somehow easier, despite the tears and devastation bleeding out of Xichen. He can only hope it will be cathartic, take some of the weight off Xichen's shoulders. Nie Mingjue will gladly help carry his burdens.

He shushes him quietly, rubs circles against his clothed back, and when Lan Xichen throws his arms around Mingjue's neck, he catches his weight easily, winding an arm around his back to hold him there, secure against his front. His cheek presses to the side of his hair, and he takes in his scent unconsciously, a strangely intimate thought if he lets it enter his head.]

I missed you as well. [He says lowly, earnest, sincere as he blinks away the pinpricks of wetness in his eyes. His ears, laid back for much of the conversation, now stand up again, tilted slightly forward, more relaxed.

It has been a long few months, and perhaps the distance has not been totally crossed, but... it feels like making their way home regardless.]

[Having those arms securely around him is a comfort. It's a feeling he had almost forgotten, being held rather than holding, and the relief that came with it. Lan Xichen has never necessarily been weak, but the difference between them is still there, almost more obvious now as Lan Xichen is technically older. Nie Mingjue can still make him feel young.]

I'm sorry for how terrible I've been. I wanted to be strong, so that you wouldn't have to worry about me.

[His attempts at being assertive and more commanding feel silly now when he's being comforted like a child after getting into a fight. Even at his best, he was never the presence Nie Mingjue is and he readily crumples into the forgiving circles drawn over his back, crying becoming sniffling as he manages to rein in those cascading emotions. He should have given up a long time ago. Why did he want so much to look after everyone? But Xichen knows the reason for that. He squeezes tighter, regardless of how shameful it might be. If Mingjue can allow Huaisang to cry on him, then he can suffer through a bit from Xichen just this once.]

I needed you. I tried, but I cannot lead the way you have done. I don't know what I should do anymore. All that I do only makes everything worse.

[There had at least been some good intentions behind his actions, but Lan Xichen is not so fit to either scheme or command the way his brothers are.]

Mingjue, I won't be at odds with you. I can't manage it any longer.

[Nie Mingjue has never thought Xichen weak. They aren't so closed off about things in the Nie Sect, and for all his grousing and shouting and even harsh words, he has never begrudged Huaisang solid comfort when he needed it. He will not begrudge his sworn brother either.]

I worry more when I don't know what you are truly thinking, when you play games instead of telling me things honestly. [He admits, not so much an admonishment as an admission.] You are strong and you can lead, but no one is infallible. [They aren't the same in many ways, but that's what made them stronger, during the campaign. They could do different things and coordinate, become something bigger than just themselves, working toward the same goal. He wants some sense of that again; not the fighting, but the cooperation, the trust.] I know you wish to hold everyone up, but let someone hold you up in return.

[He exhales a soft huff of a breath, a little sound of honest relief. He doesn't want to be at odds either. Mingjue's arm around his back tightens marginally, and the second tiny huff that escapes him almost seems to flutter as it leaves, brief but there.]

You have me now. I want to support you. Please let me. [Requests, rather than commands, do not often leave Nie Mingjue's lips; even unthinking, he defaults to barking orders. It is a purposeful departure for him.] Tell me what you need. How I can help. [What he can do to make up for his part in this awful distance that has plagued them, how he can show Xichen that he is trying to be present in this life.]

[Perhaps Lan Xichen wasn't weak, but in a position like that, he was not the strongest candidate, always a bit too gentle and flexible against the harsh push of political pressure. He could offer support and comfort where it was required, but a firm and sometimes harsh command were also part of the sect leaders' needs, and in those times, Lan Xichen was lacking. And no one can excel in every area, as ideal and wonderful as that sounds, but he really did want to succeed the way Nie Mingjue had. There was an ability to provide comfort by being the stable leader, and Lan Xichen had wanted to be that for others.

Now he just nods with the side of his face pressed against Nie Mingjue's shoulder, surrendering to the feeling of helplessness.]

I won't do it anymore. I thought you would like having something else to do. And- and Huaisang was always fond of it.

[Yeah, he might start crying again.]

I never meant to hurt you. I never wanted any of it. Please don't lose what you love trying to help me. I ask for too many selfish things.

[It had been his fault, in the end. Maybe not the final outcome, but if he hadn't been so eager to establish peace through bonds in the past then maybe things would have turned out better. If nothing else, maybe it would have given Mingjue more time.]

Will you stay? Even if I'm wrong, I feel better with you at my back. I have been afraid of losing you again, of being the cause of it, and yet I can only continue to run ahead.

[He doesn't say that he's a grown man who can find his own hobbies. He doesn't say that trying to sit down with brushes and ink hurts the edges of a hole in his heart that nothing can fill (that he doesn't want filled, because then he would be replacing his brother, and he cannot, but it is a hole that he can live with). Nie Mingjue doesn't want to make him feel worse for words he legitimately didn't seem to think through before he said them. It's easy to hold a grudge when you were purposely wronged, but how can he hold one now when the hurt was unintentional?

I never meant to hurt you, he says, and Mingjue exhales a breath, patting his back softly. He doesn't want to see him crying anymore. There is some deep-seated instinct in him to make whatever caused the tears go away.] I know, Xichen. [He reassures him quietly, voice a low rumble in his chest.]

How can you be selfish for accepting what is freely and honestly given? [Mingjue continues, soft scolding. His voice is firm.] I love you. What can I lose by standing at your side?

Recently I have... not known when to chase you and when to let you go. I still do not always know. Just keep being honest with me, tell me what you want from us both, and of course I will stay. I will not give more than I am willing, so it isn't selfish for you to accept.

[What can he lose? The question should be reassuring, but instead Lan Xichen can't help the deep, painful thought that his sworn brother lost everything because he had chosen to stand beside him. Wasn't that his fault in the end? If he hadn't kept pressing Nie Mingjue and Jin Guangyao to get along, they wouldn't have clashed as terribly as they did. Maybe it wasn't completely his fault, but it still feels like he played a great part in both of their deaths.

He at least tries to dry his face with the handkerchief that Nie Mingjue lent him, nodding with a few shuddering breaths as he manages to calm down.]

I want you to stay. I won't ask too much, I promise... I just can't- I don't know how I should act.

[Even with those he knows around, the new city is a lot for him to handle. He does try to take it all with good grace and a smile, but Xichen has his doubts, and flitting from familiar love to familiar love is as much of a defense as genuine pleasure. It's familiar and safe whereas the new routine and strange world is scary.]

Just stay with me. Tell me what you think is right and I will do my best to follow.

[Well, perhaps it should be 'what else do I have to lose?' His life? Jin Guangyao wouldn't dare make a move. His friendship with Lan Xichen? He hopes Xichen would be aware enough not to let himself be manipulated against Nie Mingjue. His relationships with other people cannot be touched by anyone's mistakes but his own.

He exhales softly, rubbing his back still as he cleans off his face.]

How can I tell you what is right, when I don't always know myself? [He's been wrong about so many things in his life, things he's only realized in hindsight.] We will not always agree. I promised I will stay regardless. Trust me to keep my promises.

We'll find our way eventually.

[It's a good sentiment anyway. Nie Mingjue has always been a stern and sturdy friend, someone that Lan Xichen thought could survive any fight. That was probably part of the reason he relied so blindly on him in the past. In a naive way, he had assumed that Nie Mingjue could handle the political push of Jin Guangshan, just as he had assumed that Jin Guangyao would remain loyal to them and that their younger sworn brother did not pose a threat.

It was a loving trust that he had too quickly given, showing his youth as a leader at the time. Now he is learning, but the emotions and confusion still remain in the aftermath.]

I trust you. Of course I do...

[Yes, he does, and he really needs to remember that despite the tragedy of the past. As selfishly said as it was, Jin Guangyao's insistence of a new life is true. They all need to search for it.]

I'm sorry, Mingjue. I- Yes, we will find our way. I will remember.

[They all made their mistakes, trusted too readily. Even Nie Mingjue had trusted the sworn brother who betrayed him enough to let him in, enough to listen to his tainted music. (And he was stupid enough not to know the difference.)]

I'm glad. [He says, and there is something genuine and a little vulnerable in it. Mingjue's never been good with words, not really, so it is difficult to express that he is glad that his friend's trust is not something else he's lost.] I trust you too, even still. [Even after everything, whether he should or not.]

No more apologies. We have had enough of those these last few months. [He squeezes his arm lightly, in what he hopes is reassurance.] How are you feeling now?

[Even still. It's a bruise on his spirit to hear that, but one that is deserved. And they are surviving even still, aren't they? Lan Xichen wipes his face and nods, calling up his composure as he focuses on steady breathing and bringing his emotions back in check.

He is a sect leader, even if he did surrender the right. The training should still be upheld.]

All right. I'm... just tired. I am glad we spoke of this.

[closed] june catch-all

the silent forest; lan xichen

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