middaeg | [Closed/Open] Me and the devil were standing side by side

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[Closed/Open] Me and the devil were standing side by side

Who: Jin Guangyao and Lan Xichen, plus open/miscellaneous
When: Throughout late Aereuer/before the next full moon
Where: Coven, plus Aefenglom in general
What: Following through on what's probably a terrible idea. Also tea.
Warnings: Implied murder-suicide talk in the bonding thread

[Prompts in toplevels, feel free to ping me at

nanomachinesson for extra starters if you want to do anything else!]

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At one point, before everything at the temple, Jin Guangyao might have looked at some of those words differently, especially in conjunction with the way Lan Xichen started. Perhaps a little embarrassed, in a good sort of way.

Now all he can think is, really, Xichen? Is that how you feel about this, that you're just being used, making it sound half like you're trying to trade yourself for the wellbeing of others? Do you think that poorly of me now, still?

But if that was all there was to it, truly, some of that conversation on the moonlit streets wouldn't have happened, that admittance that he didn't want him to choose anyone else.

It was all still difficult, the way things had ended up, wasn't it?

"I'll try," he can only respond quietly, bowing his head a little as he can feel the magic settle around them, a warm tingling where they're touching. He attempts to focus more on that affection and comfort he'd found there in that too-close moment a number of days ago rather than his faint disappointment and much less faint anxiety over just how much would come through in the Bond and what that would mean for the future.

It might have been easier if all Lan Xichen wanted was to spare everyone else some trouble. That is generally what he wants for everyone just because he has always wanted to ease the troubles of those around him, but if that were all he ever wanted, then he wouldn't need to worry about a Bond with either sworn brother. He could have negotiated his terms early on or simply given a formal warning and left things alone, but the truly terrifying thing for him is that he does want, and only Wangji really understands how hard it is for him to let that want die, even when everything else in the world is telling him to.

Death is no obstacle to a cultivator, especially not a Lan who was brought up to embrace the role of a graceful life leading to inevitable end. There is not actually too much that Lan Xichen fears in the world, but all the morning's meditation is still not stopping the shiver he feels as Jin Guangyao gives his response. He will try, Lan Xichen believes that, but he knows how much his friend pleaded with him before about not having a choice. Part of him knows that perhaps there is something like fate in Jin Guangyao's nature and that he might not really be able to fight off the urges for violence. And the chill that settles on him is when Lan Xichen knows for certain at that moment that it doesn't matter. All of the accusations and doubts thrown at him he's mostly shrugged off as his sworn duty up until those two words, but in that moment, just before the magic really starts to take hold, he realizes that isn't true and that maybe this is a bad idea, because he might have been misleading Jin Guangyao as much as himself.

So the first strong emotion that comes through the forming Bond is Lan Xichen's instant, panicking epiphany that he has many unsettled thing still in his heart that were not properly cleared in that morning of solitude, followed by his rush to tamp them down. Desperate yearning, loneliness, conflict, shame, and then beneath it a steady, quiet affection that flows out beneath them without any uncertainty at all. He meets his friend's eyes with worry clearly in his gaze.

"Please listen before you do anything."

Please don't cut it off two seconds after the connection even formed.

It's not as if Jin Guangyao's heart is much less settled, and he tenses a little, his hand tightening around Lan Xichen's; even if the worry isn't clear on his own face, it's plainly obvious through their connection now. It's entirely too much that passes between them when touching like this, and before even taking the time to think about just what all those feelings mean, his own anxieties and fear about this much emotional openness rise further.

Even if there were reasons for bonding, and few options, this was still a bad idea. He should let go, at at least ease the flow of emotion.

But he doesn't at Lan Xichen's words, standing still in the circle his with hand clasped around the other man's. Because as much as he's afraid of what will transpire here, and even though he had always known that it existed, really, feeling that undercurrent of genuine affection was something he didn't want to give up, even if it came loaded with unpleasantness on top.

"Of course. I'm listening," he replies easily; it's unfortunately second nature by now to not let that fear and anxiety show.

At least Jin Guangyao doesn't run out of the run or demand an end to the whole thing immediately, which for a moment Lan Xichen fears is possible. He didn't mean to deceive his friend (and the irony is sadly lost on him in worrying about that), but his conflicting priorities and mindset of shutting down complicated emotions so that they didn't cause chaos within him had not made it easy for him to decide what exactly he had been feeling until it was right in front of him. Words spoken not in some formal oath but from his impulses and hearing the responses coming genuinely from Jin Guangyao without rehearsal helped untangle a lot of the suppressed feelings he really had not wanted to examine. After all, if he kept them locked back, they could do no harm.

Except now he has no choice but to acknowledge them. And having the hand close tightly around his, despite the seemingly calm reply is proof that he needs to do more than hide away with his own regrets. Lan Xichen looks at their hands locked together in a mutual grip and takes a breath to make himself relax the way Jin Guangyao seems to be. The cold, coiling tension coming through the forming bond says otherwise, and Lan Xichen tries to balance it with control and patience if not ease.

"I don't intend on asking anything of you. I told you I would share this bond to help you keep a clear mind, and I will do that. But..."

This definitely should have been thought of more, but it's too late now and he's already committed.

"A-Yao, we don't agree about many things. I believe we will probably disagree more in the future, as well. Because of my blindness as much as your pain. Even with that, I want you to keep me by your side. It is true that I believe you might still betray me if the danger is great enough, but I meant what I said just now as well and I will not hold that against you."

He doesn't like the disagreement, that acknowledgement of the troubles between them. But even sandwiched between words of goodwill, that affirmation that Lan Xichen thinks he'll be betrayed stabs into him.

Hasn't he always known since he got here, with each flinch or questionable look away that Lan Xichen still didn't believe in him, and that all this talk about trying to put the past behind just wasn't working? He'd been trying, and trying, but nothing was effective, nothing stuck for long. Jin Guangyao's frustration and resentment surge forward from that fear and strain.

In a flash, entirely too quick in his movement, he releases Xichen's hand and grabs Shuoyue's hilt. Jin Guangyao yanks the blade free in a single sharp motion -- only to push that hilt into Lan Xichen's now-empty hand, his own covering it that he can't just let go, with the blade pointed to his own gold-robed chest, pressing forward enough that the tip bites into the cloth.

"What am I supposed to do, when you say that? How am I supposed to tolerate hearing that from my oldest friend?" His voice starts quiet if rough, but the feelings build inside him as he speaks further, pushing its way out. "If that's what you believe, then it's no different than it was before. I would rather see you do it of your own free will than have your mistrust used as a tool by someone else. Will you follow me, wherever that leads?"

Its not that Jin Guangyao wants to die, he's never wanted that. But hurt and angry all over again over what he feels was a betrayal still much fresher in his mind, and feeling like he's tried so hard only to be let down again, he also knows he can't quite bring himself to kill Lan Xichen either. What else is he supposed to do, indeed?

At this point being surprised by Jin Guangyao should be considered completely shameful, but Lan Xichen is surprised. He's shocked actually when his friend grabs the sword from his hip and forces it into his hand. His reactions might have been quicker if he weren't completely caught off guard and suddenly overwhelmed by the raw, unrestrained anger and frustration hitting him in the chest. He's been mad before, but nothing has matched that feeling. He apparently never knew the meaning of the word resentment until that moment, because what nearly knocks him to his knees is something Lan Xichen is unfamiliar with. He pulls back, confused and out of breath, trying to keep the point from pushing further forward.

"It won't happen again."

The words don't sound very strong, because most of Lan Xichen's effort is going toward holding back Shuoyue and not collapsing himself. He knew that there were unseen emotions hidden in Jin Guangyao when he saw a glimpse of them in the temple, but that was not nearly enough preparation for sharing them.

"Please... I told you to assure you I won't strike. I can't help my doubts. Fear takes time to heal. But I am willing to- I will follow you."

Unable to let go of the sword and afraid that wrenching free of Jin Guangyao's grip will end up hurting him, Lan Xichen holds the blade at a stand still, trying to keep it from moving at all as he looks him in the eyes.

"A-Yao, please. It is different now, and that is painful, but that doesn't mean it has ended everything."

It's not good enough. Jin Guangyao isn't as strong as Lan Xichen, but he fights that initial attempt to pull back with every ounce of his strength, as awkward as it is with his arm outstretched like that; just as much doesn't try to push it any more forward than pricking the fabric. He absolutely could step forward and force himself onto the blade, but that's not the point this time.

"You can tell me with a straight face that you can't help your doubts, all the while still refusing to accept that I really couldn't help any of the things I did," he replies bitterly, and even if that's not entirely accurate in regards to his crimes, in the heat of the emotional moment it rings true through the bond because Jin Guangyao believes it himself.

It's hypocritical for him to cling on to his own pain of the past, lying each time he said he'd let it go, all while wanting Xichen to genuinely forget all about it, but Jin Guangyao doesn't care, now that they're back speaking of it again. So what if he can feel that affection, when it clearly meant so little, to came with disagreements and conditions attached to it.

So he refuses to let go, still with his hand clenched tightly to hold the sword in Lan Xichen's grip. "If all you can do is doubt and disagree, perhaps it would be better this way." He can't cry anymore, but his lip trembles.

It hurts in a way he never thought emotions could hurt. Jin Guangyao's anger and disappointment in him are actually palpable, even more than the musical techniques of Gusu that could cause physical harm with only songs. And still he's stunned that how familiar this all feels. A panicking part of him remembers the same feeling of helpless confusion before having his acupoints sealed, and that bitter voice that sounded so despondent one minute and furious the next. And Nie Mingjue, who was twice as furious and knew the whole time this would happen.

Still grappling for control of his blade, Lan Xichen suddenly feels something else that he is not as familiar with. A hot, stinging feeling that makes him tighten his grip on the hilt and grab Jin Guangyao's wrist with his off hand (it's nice to have two) as he stares into his friend's eyes with that bitter anger reflecting back.

"Release me, Jin Guangyao."

That is a command, but one still tinged in pain and desperation.

"You promised me that you would not let me live in confusion any longer. Will you not spare me even time to doubt? How many times must I be cursed by those I love most? You killed me as much as you killed him back then and then you left me. I cannot promise you the heart you wounded and left does not bear scars now. It's impossible. But can you tell me your hatred doesn't still exist?"

Even if Jin Guangyao could say that without a note of dishonesty, Nie Mingjue's all too loud honesty was a telling sign that resentment still lived between them. The sort of poison that had killed the man was too obvious to hide.

"I am still here. Give me some mercy, please. I believe-" He wasn't going to cry. He had actually resisted tears up to this point, not willing to show that face when he was trying to make a point, but at these words, Lan Xichen can't hold back any longer. "I believe that you are still the kind A-Yao whom I once knew."

Edited 2020-04-28 15:54 (UTC)

He's not going to answer that question posed, because of course that hatred still exists, bitterly so now that he's seen the man alive again and walking around to threaten Jin Guangyao's own existence instead of as a peaceably sealed head on a shelf: present, but unable to dispute with him.

In that same rare moment of self-reflection, he can only curse his past self once more for taking such decisive action against when he was run through with this exact sword, death at his heels. Perhaps Lan Xichen could say that kind of thing, but for him there was no point in asking where the unconditional kindness that he'd known from the other man had gone. Because he was the one who broke him with hasty, if deliberate, intent in that furious retaliation, not imagining that he'd see another day to regret it.

He doesn't exactly let go, but he stops fighting, his grip loosening enough that Lan Xichen can pull the sword away from him without issue.

What if that A-Yao only existed for you, brother? Because for all that he felt he'd had no choice in so many of his crimes, even he could hardly call himself a kind person towards most others. Yet he can hardly bring himself to refute Lan Xichen's words either, when that kind of belief is what he really wanted, appreciated. Jin Guangyao fell silent for once, gaze averted.

The arguments cease, but at least the pressure pulling his blade toward Jin Guangyao's robes loosens as well. There's a wave of relief from Lan Xichen, who carefully and gently removes the hand from around his so he can move Shuoyue away from his friend's body and return it to its sheath. It was such a terrible, heart-wrenching close call already, and they had barely scratched the surface of their feelings.

"A-Yao, if I never said it, then I would be lying to you. I do have doubts. You- many things have hurt you in the past and I believe it is not so easy for you to forget them. So I know that there will be times that perhaps your actions will be painful for me, who cannot understand them."

Which is too nice of a way to put it, but seeing as something like that just happened not two breaths ago, Lan Xichen doesn't want to instigate the man into picking a fight back up again.

"I cannot promise to always approve of everything. And I will worry, because I don't wish to see you injured chasing after any resentment you still feel. Mingjue feels that I am too forgiving, but it isn't simply that wounds are something we can forget. I do still carry what happened with me, but that did not stop me from coming to you. You can be cruel, I see that now, but you can still be kind and gentle. I believe if given a chance, you will prove that in the end too. So, yes, I will follow wherever you lead."

It's too early to be feeling relief, for as much that feeling passes through to Jin Guangyao, there's a backwash of bitterness and frustration still. There's no point in hiding his feelings, but there's still a definite difference between his face and the intensity of them.

"I promised not to abandon you, brother, and you have my word, but I have nowhere else to lead. Knowing what you know now, of course... you're right, you can't help but doubt, and nothing I can say will change that. Who knows how much time would have to pass for that to heal." he says, naming the hurt that had triggered this outburst in the first place. "But just as much I can't accept it."

"You can insist that you want to understand, and not look the other way, but there's never been anything for you to gain from it, only pain. And even if I was unable to follow you, I could at least look up to where you stood and admire that you were able to be in a place where you could ignore the troubled parts of this life. How could I have wanted that for you then, and how could I want that for you now? Seeing you continue to struggle and worry now doesn't bring me any happiness, if that's what you're hoping for."

"I can thank you for doing this for me, but I am no longer sure what else I can say," he finishes, and if those words are cold enough to hurt a bit, well, the feeling is definitely reciprocated. Even if Lan Xichen's words are more well-intentioned than any of the others would speak of him by a wide margin, this change in their relationship is still too much to bear after years of nothing but kind support, longing for times past. "Other than, perhaps, I wish none of it had happened at all and that you were able to remain unknowing."

He is still relieved that Jin Guangyao is no longer in danger, because that will always be an immediate press on his heart, but the more his friend speaks, the more despair overtakes his other feelings. It starts as a pang when he hears that tell-tale I can't accept it and that only spreads to a cold numbness as that statement is followed by words of past admiration, now apparently tarnished, and a final distant thanks that snaps something deep inside him. Nie Mingjue and Lan Wangji being angry and disappointed had hurt, and Jin Guangyao's offense earlier had felt like a suffocating wave, but being dismissed so thoroughly is a feeling that Lan Xichen has only one word for and it sits beside another thought he had never been able to bring himself to say. He thinks erratically of his brother, once upon a time, sitting in a cave, and laughs at himself.

"I see." Which sounds foolish to him, since that only exacerbates what the man before him just said. "I suppose I just wished to understand. I thought it might bring me closer to you, but I- I misunderstood your needs."

He keeps his head lowered, because he's not about to show his face with tears in his eyes, but aside from his hand trembling around Shuoyue's grip, he keeps his voice steady.

"In that case, I will try to give you what I can if you let me know what it is you require. I fear I no longer qualify for the innocence you describe, but that had already left even before those troubled times. You were mistaken, I think, about me. I might not have been aware of your deeds, but I know enough of war to know not all things are so clean. I would always have disappointed you."

He focuses on breathing, swallowing down his feelings and returning to something more calm, even if it is a battle to do it. It's devastating to know how far he really is from his friend now, but the thought he chooses to focus on and that gives him a thread of warm gratitude to cling to is enough to help soften the personal blow.

"I am only happy you are alive and well."

Edited 2020-04-29 00:50 (UTC)

Jin Guangyao shakes his head. If it hurt himself to put it so bluntly, the return from Lan Xichen was even more, and he tries to soften it a little inside as well. For as much as he can't stand the way that things have fallen between them, he doesn't really want to hurt Lan Xichen so much. It's just that either honesty or lies, with the bond between them making so many small feelings clear, either way will cut.

"But you didn't disappoint me. You were one of the few people who, despite your position, accepted me when I was scorned by everyone else around me. Your presence always made me happy, before," he replies more gently as troubled emotions ebb. And I would have done anything for you, to see you happy in return, only that seems like a mockery to say now. "I suppose you doubt even that now, but it is true." Surely you can understand how, after all that, how much this doubt and questioning weighs too heavy on him?

Jin Guangyao doesn't think he's so mistaken either; it's one thing for Lan Xichen to say that he knows not all things are so clean, but that is still so far from Jin Guangyao's personal experiences, even past the war's end, by circumstance... or intentional omission.

It hurts to hear him say that he made Jin Guangyao happy. It should be a balm, something to feel good about, but Lan Xichen takes in a sting with that warmth. He made Jin Guangyao happy at one point, but it was not enough, and it isn't the kind of happiness he really wants. Which is also something he really should not be considering at this point.

Lan Xichen dries his eyes with his sleeve, breathing deeply and settling his heart as much as he can before lifting his head. It isn't like he is the first person to ever know rejection, after all. And Jin Guangyao has at least generously offered him a way to salvage some of his pride. He might claim to be someone completely different when the fear strikes, but that still reminds Lan Xichen of the kindness he was shown in the past.

"I am glad to hear you say that. Even if I can no longer provide you with that same happiness in this condition, I hope that you will still gain something from this. I would like to remain with you anyway, as long as you don't object. It should at least be easier than finding someone new at this point."

And, seeing a certain stress line appear on Jin Guangyao's face--one he's only recently even become familiar with--Lan Xichen smiles gently.

"Of course I don't doubt it. I'm just sorry that I have fallen short of your expectations. I find that is growing into a habit lately, so I can't offer much excuse. I... must have become a stranger to many people. Please try to overlook it anyway. I don't know why I'm like this."

Even if it didn't seem like a half-assed excuse, Jin Guangyao knows exactly why he's like this, which makes it all the more frustrating.

"I'm the one who asked you," he reminds Lan Xichen. "I could hardly object. Even if some times are difficult, I still appreciate your company. Is there anything you want to do? We've overstayed our welcome, I think." He'll have to send some gifts to try to make up for causing such a scene, and gives a very apologetic look to the poor witch who was probably horrified and frankly just trying to stay out of this messy, messy relationship.

Lan Xichen smiles, faltering only a little with awkwardness at being told Jin Guangyao couldn't object, because of course he can. But hopefully he won't. That is, as long as Lan Xichen can maintain a calm, warm composure. Which means that he has to work harder.

"Ah, actually, I need to go. I have to check on A-Zhan and I- I've already left him too long. Please forgive me for all of this. I shouldn't have said anything today. I will be mindful going forward."

He raises his arms and bows deeply, but hurriedly.

"Lianfang-zun, please excuse me for leaving first."

It's a hasty retreat, but also an intentional move. He's trying to create some distance so that he can put himself in order and manage the emotions waging war inside him and also escape the Coven before something else happens. Lan Xichen moves pretty swiftly, it turns out, when he has a purpose in mind.

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[Closed/Open] Me and the devil were standing side by side

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