He is still relieved that Jin Guangyao is no longer in danger, because that will always be an immediate press on his heart, but the more his friend speaks, the more despair overtakes his other feelings. It starts as a pang when he hears that tell-tale I can't accept it and that only spreads to a cold numbness as that statement is followed by words of past admiration, now apparently tarnished, and a final distant thanks that snaps something deep inside him. Nie Mingjue and Lan Wangji being angry and disappointed had hurt, and Jin Guangyao's offense earlier had felt like a suffocating wave, but being dismissed so thoroughly is a feeling that Lan Xichen has only one word for and it sits beside another thought he had never been able to bring himself to say. He thinks erratically of his brother, once upon a time, sitting in a cave, and laughs at himself.

"I see." Which sounds foolish to him, since that only exacerbates what the man before him just said. "I suppose I just wished to understand. I thought it might bring me closer to you, but I- I misunderstood your needs."

He keeps his head lowered, because he's not about to show his face with tears in his eyes, but aside from his hand trembling around Shuoyue's grip, he keeps his voice steady.

"In that case, I will try to give you what I can if you let me know what it is you require. I fear I no longer qualify for the innocence you describe, but that had already left even before those troubled times. You were mistaken, I think, about me. I might not have been aware of your deeds, but I know enough of war to know not all things are so clean. I would always have disappointed you."

He focuses on breathing, swallowing down his feelings and returning to something more calm, even if it is a battle to do it. It's devastating to know how far he really is from his friend now, but the thought he chooses to focus on and that gives him a thread of warm gratitude to cling to is enough to help soften the personal blow.

"I am only happy you are alive and well."