( open ) i will never be

[supersoldier]

Who: Sephiroth and YOU!
When: Aereuer 13th
Where: The Looking-Glass House
What: Memshare event!
Warnings: N/A, will add when necessary.

[Sephiroth's mirror is framed in black, cut in clean, elegant lines that look as though they are sharp to touch. It is hard to perceive much else in such a dark color, not without peering closer, and strangers won't note anything odd. Those who know him better could see more: patterned lines interspersed throughout like the vanes and notches of feathers, and a long, curving katana carved into the bottom. The contour lines of a steely city, artfully hidden beneath the rest.

The wood is glossy, unmarred, and perfect to those uncaring. Spiderwebbing, barely-there hairline fractures are visible to closer CR. They shimmer at the right angle, so briefly that it might have been a trick of the light.]

((ooc; these memshare prompts are open to anyone unless specified otherwise! he'll just be more guarded about a few of the more personal ones if you're not close CR. if you want something specific, hmu at aurajen! thanks!))

Comments

[supersoldier]

[That blade… he wonders what happened to it. If Zack was dead, then where did it end up? Had it made the rounds through Shinra, falling into another SOLDIER’s hands? Or lost to the environment, edges dull with rust, neglected and forgotten?]

...That sword was emblematic both of what was lost, and what he should hold onto. As far as I could gather, at least. I didn’t try to pry too deeply into the sentiment.

[He watches the memory play out. The voices are warbling and indistinct until the very end. Sephiroth would admit to ineptly remembering pieces of it, knowing that his old friend’s famous lectures always ran long, confusing, and convoluted. It often made more sense to wait them out, pay attention only to the point made at the end. And that’s why you don’t give him what he wants. Maybe he shouldn’t have. Or maybe it wouldn't have changed anything at all.

Sephiroth forces himself to look at Cloud a second time.]

I can’t do anything about what others think of me. [Both the adulation or jealousy.] You learn to separate yourself from it. Realize how irrelevant it is, in the end.

[bravers]

Hm.

[If only he knew about the sword. Cloud's... not exactly been affectionate in regard to the thing. Or how he used it back then. His own version of it, some years later, was covered in nicks and scrapes from rough treatment. In his mind it served him well, what seemed like a long time ago, But it wasn't exactly worth much of a damn. Not really. It was simply constructed. Not exactly well designed. Its counterbalance, in particular, was a bitch.

... But even then, he'd kept it. Even when it wasn't worth using compared to other pieces, something in him wanted to keep hold of it, even if who he thought was its original owner had been buried in his mind. It still felt important.

But even then, he's certain he's never heard the scant details Sephiroth can provide about it before.]

...Right. I get what you mean.

[He does. He truly does. He'd spent so long with the same mindset- of not giving a damn- or seeming that he didn't care about what people thought of him. But...]

Looks like they cared about you, though.

[Also looked like they, as people, weren't irrelevant either.]

[supersoldier]

[He is reminded, again, of Zack. Sharp, bright eyes sweep over Cloud, as if trying to form a reply to a statement hard to acknowledge, harder still to feign ignorance to. You guys were pretty tight, the man had said at the time. His reply to Cloud now is the same.]

I wonder.

[He knows it’ll not suffice. He’s not been asked a clear question, but he can feel it hanging over his head, made solid through the presence of this memory. It would be easier to remain indifferent, cold. But Cloud is his bonded and he knows that a lie would be seen through even the most unwavering armor.]

They were my friends. Now one is dead, and the other is a traitor.

[And Zack— The words are halted in his throat with severe efficiency.]

Maybe the foundations were never that strong to begin with.

[bravers]

Maybe not.

[It's an honest enough answer, maybe even leaning toward obtuse. But it's not exactly something said out of ignorance. Not entirely, anyway. Sephiroth said it. One of those men is dead. The other one's lost to him, because he's a deserter. There's nothing that can be done, so it's useless to talk about observations, about how he can see the fact that they gave a damn about each other.

But...]

I take it the degradation got 'em.

[It's a difficult subject. A SOLDIER's mental state is changed. From there, it only goes downhill. Everyone knew that. Even people that had nothing to do with Shinra. And it's why most people are terrified of them. But the changes... that's different. The changes are known to every SOLDIER, hell- sometimes people like him who were assigned as support, but other than that? Company secret.

All of it though- it's not something that's discussed. It's ignored, talked around. Because it's horrible. It's beyond horrible.

And Zack said...
That they were all monsters.]

Explains why they left, too. I wouldn't stick around either.

[A pause. His gaze has shifted to stay on Sephiroth as he says that. They're still in the training room, and it doesn't seem like anything's going on- but even if there was, he wouldn't. this is too important.]

...It'll affect you too, right? Eventually.

[supersoldier]

[It’s a difficult subject, one that is often stepped around. And one, still, that Sephiroth himself had never put any real thought to — not until Genesis had been affected, which affected him in turn. Perhaps his pride kept him uncaring until that moment; perhaps he merely accepted it as inevitable, or alternatively, that it would not change him the same way, because he is different in all things, so why not this, too?

In the memory, Angeal has already left. His own memory-self lingers for only a few moments before also heading out, maybe stopping at a control panel to flag maintenance to tend to the state of the training room, but little else. That leaves just only them in this place, which has already begun to fade away at the edges.]

…Genesis wanted to be a hero. He couldn't do that after his body started to betray him.

[So yes, in plain terms— the degradation started it all.

He regards Cloud closely, wondering if there’s an implied question nestled in the one spoken.]

I don’t know. The expectation is yes, it will. But the rules always apply differently to me. I’m not—

[the same as everyone else]

—sure. And there’s no point in dwelling on what will or won’t come.

[bravers]

...Right.

[Everyone wanted to be a hero, didn't they? The idea, no, the misconception that he could become anything close to Sephiroth gave him an out from Nibelheim. Zack wanted to be a hero too. That idea was his everything- even after he changed. Must've been the reason he took that sword, too. So he could carry this guy's, this Angeal's, wish.

...One afternoon from his memories, an inn room, in that town, finally makes sense. It's sobering, for sure. But it's not something he wants to go into. It's... painful, to understand at least some of what he meant back then. Uniquely so.

His expression is a taught frown even before Sephiroth explains, and while his eyes do move to Sephiroth's catlike ones at it- they move away instantly- tellingly- lingering on the floor.]

I guess, yeah. You're stronger than anyone. Even other Firsts. I guess... it might not happen to you.

[Not the physical effects, anyway. But it's so much more than that. Physically wasn't important. He died before then. Mentally? ...Well. Wouldn't be a stretch to imagine it contributed to his sense of self collapsing and ...changing. ]

You think it was for the best? I mean... what happened to them. All of the other SOLDIERs that defected too. I wouldn't want to be alive like that.

[And, as the memory starts to fade:]

C'mon. I don't wanna find out if something's gonna happen if we stay here too long.

[Concern? Yes. Concern. ...And not just for himself.]

[supersoldier]

[Cloud’s right. The memory is beginning to fade away; his past self did not linger here longer than necessary. But Sephiroth is faintly distracted, at first, by the way the other won’t meet his eyes, the strange resignation in his tone, and the loaded question he pairs with it.

Words, as always, require effort to string together. In this case, it’s dissatisfying when they don’t arrive immediately, and so he hides that empty space by being the first to walk. In the distance, the shimmering quicksilver of his mirror’s exit forms and glistens, beckoning them both closer.]

It isn’t that simple. To write off what happened to them as ‘for the best’, simply because it was inevitable. [What happened to Angeal, the way Zack’s expression looked when he told him; how can anyone objectively say that it was for the best, to end like that?]

If I had my way, none of them would have been in that position to start. Caught between desertion or accepting the fate that Shinra had already doled out to them.

[bravers]

It's not that. It's-

[That. Mostly. He didn't know Genesis or Angeal, and despite viewing the memory, despite knowing that there were people that cared for them, it's... kind of difficult for him to see them as people, rather than what Zack had said- monsters. ...But it's more complex than that too. The insight blurred the lines a little.]

More what they're capable of. If they're not themselves, all that power's-

[He lingers by the mirror, turning his gaze back to Sephiroth. This time, it lingers.]

Remember Nibelheim? The way everyone in that town hid 'emselves away. Normal people... they're afraid of SOLDIER. Mostly because Shinra use 'em when all of their army, all of their weapons, all of their mechs, aren't enough. ...It scares the hell out of most people, even though...

[Zack. Even Sephiroth, before he lost his mind.]

... You're human. Nothing not human about SOLDIER. Some people have got limits. Other people have got aspirations. Things you won't do. But when someone's gone, when all that there is, is power...

[His eyes finally move, and concern shows on his face.]

...It's nothing. I don't have any right to say anything.

[supersoldier]

[He is well-aware of the two sides of SOLDIER’s public perception: war heroes, an elite task force deployed by Shinra and to be respected accordingly, versus the sharp, cold fear of viewing one up-close. The instinctual, unsettling feeling of seeing someone so different, so inhuman in all that they can do.

Sephiroth himself is the very apotheosis of both. He knows it quite well, for he has lived it for many years of his life, and therefore Cloud is not telling him anything new under the sun.

And yet— somehow, the words stir discontent in his chest. Deep, years-long, the kind that’s festered in place but oft kept under control. No doubt it ripples through their bond, and knowing that only enhances its poignancy.]

I never said I wasn’t human. [It’s spoken as a correction, but it lacks such an edge that he wonders who he’s trying to fool. Still, his eyes remain forward towards the mirror’s exit.] I understand what you’re saying. But when power and ability are all that defines you, that line begins to blur. Splitting hairs becomes a waste of time.

[He pauses before the gleam of silver, stopping only briefly to allow Cloud to through it first.]

I wouldn’t expect you to understand, but that’s not a bad thing, Cloud. ...We should leave while we can.