because i was born into this world

[usurpers]

Who: eren jaeger & you!
When: night of the 13th!
Where: --
What: dream a lil' dream event catch-all! those who would like a memory are welcomed to choose from the list i have here, just get in contact with me either through pm, plurk (liberos) or discord (owlie#3609), and i'll write you a starter like the ones below ♥!
Warnings: not only written content but visuals will be in the comments for major attack on titan spoilers, drinking, suicide ideation, violence, gore, cannibalism, mentions of rape, abuse, slavery, child prostitution, war and genocide. specific warnings for each will be in the headers!

[ when things start out as a dream, eren doesn't necessarily start it aware that it's a dream he walks in. his dragon form, a little smaller than an adult stag, doesn't question why or how he's ventured into the looking glass house— only that it called and compelled him with whispers he couldn't actually hear, hums and the ethereal glows beyond what the eyes could see, the same way it would when it was time for him to return to what was beyond that.

it doesn't take long to find his mirror; a plain one that stretches tall with a simple wooden frame to those who know little to nothing of eren jaeger. for those who know more, or even more will see the bone-shapes carved into the wood to resemble a spine. ribs seem to span into wings and copper chains hang from one of the corners, broken and snapped. the dragon, once staring at the reflective shine his eyes give into the mirror for long enough and catching his breath, dives into the ripple of this mirror's fake surface in hopes that it will return him to where he belongs, to where he needs to be. you too, may go after him, or perhaps the mirror, for one reason or another, calls you to venture and enter. or maybe you fall in? anything can happen in a dream. there's no one truly stopping you, and when you do, you fall into a vast pool of fractured events and voices.



you fall into a pool, and into one of many memories. ]

Comments

[sing_for_me]

[ Alex stays behind the young boy and the man, her ears perking when she hears the name. Her focus is on the boy now, and sure enough...he does look a lot like the Eren that she knew. A smaller, cuter version. It made her all the more confused about the appearance of his mirror. Why..were there so many bones? What did that represent for Eren?

There seems to be a problem, whoever they were planning to meet not answering the door. As they enter, the familiar stench of iron hits her nose, and immediately her hand comes up to cover it. Two bodies lay on the floor, and while Eren's father (she assumes) goes to check on them, it's highly unlikely they were still alive. Her next instinct is to check on the young Eren, concerned about him seeing such a gruesome scene at this young an age---

But he was calmer. Too calm, in fact. Alex is stunned by the lack of reaction--and she wonders just where his eyes are looking. She looks around, in hopes she might be able to find out.

A girl..was he maybe thinking about her? Was she...but her body wasn't here. Did she manage to get away? Was it alright for Eren to just be left by the base of some mountain? ]

[usurpers]

[ grisha seems to be too focused on the dead bodies to catch his son— with his father’s back turned, eren swipes a hunter’s knife from the floor he’d spotted moments earlier, closer to the hands of the woman’s corpse (she was going to use it, looks like, with the horrid gash mangling her shoulder saying how she failed). he jostles it by the handle under the folds of his fabric’s sleeve, quickly, and slides it away from watchful spectacles.

maybe that’s why he hoards knives.

a larger eren’s presence to accompany her, or perhaps— hs had already been there. grisha leads him down to the base of the mountain with haste, warns eren to keep still and keep an eye out for the girl. sure. he could do that. it didn’t mean he would, though. the second his father becomes even less of a speck in his line vision, gone and on his way into town— the boy bolts, back up the mountain and into the woods, knife swiping at some underbrush that caught at the legs of his pants.

the present eren steps past alex, and leads the way with her. ]

I was never good at following orders.

[sing_for_me]

[ His father may not have noticed, but from Alex's position, she could easily catch the little Eren sneak the knife in. It seems even at that age he had an affinity for the sharp and dangerous...

It takes a bit after following the pair to realize that someone else was near by. About to run after the boy, she jumps when there's suddenly someone in stepping ahead of her. ]

E-Eren!

[ He doesn't appear to be stopping her, assisting with following after his younger self. ]

This...is it really a memory of yours?

[usurpers]

[ eren’s wing ushers into the merrow’s back, and with an affirming grunt: ]

I was nine. [ as they hike, they’ll find that the smaller eren eventually finds something beyond the dense mountain forest, closer to where he remembered civilization hid soundly away: an isolated cabin rests close to the canopy of pines, and eren, a clambering fool, dashes right to the space beneath the window in a stealthy dash.

one peek up was enough for him to gasp and jolt back down to his hands and knees. there were two men in there, muttering amongst themselves and behind them laid a girl, her face battered and bruised and hands tied behind her back.

they have a few moments themselves, because the smaller eren’s adrenaline is spiking so high he’s breathing harder through his nose, staring past the grass and gripping the knife’s handle, positioning, breathing— he’s got this, or believes he does, and makes for the first door. ]

I’m not ashamed of this, [ not in the slightest, neither does he bask in the moment. it simply was something he had to do and he did it, no regrets or complaints after the fact. ] but you don’t have to go further.

[sing_for_me]

[ Her hands go over her mouth as she sees the state of the poor girl. An all too familiar sight from where she was from. But her attention is drawn to the younger Eren--the nine year old holding a knife and tense as hell. Was he--

Then the Eren she knew confirmed her suspicions, turning to him before looking back at the memory playing out. ]

I...won't run. It's..it's still you.

[ A tiny glimpse of what he went through, what made him turn out the way he did. And Alex knew so little, other than the kindness he had shown her. ]

[usurpers]

[ it was usually always like that— or wasn’t that what everyone did? honing into someone’s positives to quietly ignore the blaring negatives. what alex chose to do was absolute, and so, eren follows his younger self into the cabin. he snoops around, first. looks at what’s around him for later use. there was a broom. rope. more knives in the cracked open storage room.

in the room over, they could hear the conversation bumbling from murmurs: the men bicker between each other for killing the mother. i panicked, one said. the other jabs his companion’s temple. “she was worth more! you don’t see orientals anymore, they’re rare, you dumbass.”

“the kid’s oriental, at least.“

“i’m sure we’ll find some perv into that sort of stuff.”

the dragon’s jaw tightens, and so does the little boy, tears stinging his eyes with anger, so much anger that it had to go somewhere fast— he inhales deep, hides the knife in his hand behind his back, and slowly pushes the door ajar. it creaks, and he uses his hateful tears to his advantage: h-hello?

it’s innocent and shaky. he’s cleanly deceptive, and infiltrates almost seamlessly. the men jolt in alarm, yell thickly and demanding of what he’s doing here. eren pretends not to see the girl, and looks straight up at the approaching man. ”i-i got lost, in the woods, and . . . i saw this cabin.”

the man laughs, crouches down, and begins to ruffle eren’s hair: ”you should be careful out there! there’re hungry wolves in the woods!” what he didn’t know was that the wolf was right in front of him, clutching the handle of the knife pressed against the small of his back. ]

I don’t regret it the least bit.

[ the man dips his head in an attempt to seem more friendly and block eren’s view of the girl, a grave error that would cost him his life— eren takes the opportunity, now that height was no longer a problem, to swing the blade and sink it into the side of the man’s neck. a slash to tear the jugular open was easy for a kid when it was just that sharp. blood spews, the man falls sideways clutching a fatal wound as eren’s almost sweet “thanks mister,” becomes a dark, merciless “now die, you pig.”

the boy runs back to the door, shuts it, and lures the other startled man with an ax in his hand and a mouth filled with on edge cussing. behind the door, if they followed— the little eren is hastily tying a spare blade onto the tip of a broomstick, with a bloody knife poking out of his pocket. ]

[sing_for_me]

[ If only Alex knew that she was about to make herself a liar. To watch a child so easily bait someone else and slice through their throat like he was playing with play dough. There's no hesitation in his actions, already working on his attack. How could anyone not find that unsettling?

She at least didn't lie about not running, but it was hard to do so when you were that stunned in place. She can understand the reasoning, he wanted to save the girl, those men had it coming-- but did their suffering have to come from him? How could he punish them so easily, so boldly and confidently? For the first time, she was seeing a very, very different side to the Eren that she had come to know. Or at least, she thought she knew. And it didn't feel good. ]

[usurpers]

[ the man goes for the doorknob, stepping over the body of his companion, and shouldn’t have. the second it swings ajar, eren charges with the makeshift spear in both hands, striking up as close to the man’s neck that he could reach. it gets his shoulder, the impact and perforation throws the man back— the child drives his broom and blade thicker in until it makes a sound, until gravity aids him. he releases the handmade weapon as it sticks to the toppling body, he slings his bloody knife from his pocket, straddles the man— ]

This way, Alex.

[ and stabs. and stabs, and stabs, and stabs with a furious shriek into his victim’s chest and as tears cascaded from his eyes. he cries and yells through his sobs of sheer anger: you animal— this is what you deserve! never get up again!, all while the dragon placed his wing behind the merrow, and urged her forward, reminded her to use her legs and stray away from the disturbing . . . human being that was also accompanying her. to the girl, or closer to her, is where eren guides, with a respectable sort of distance. he no longer touches her.

the child of himself is so fast and subsequent with his attacks that the man has already drawn his last gurgling breath, but the boy continues to leave gashes and deep, deep pierces of iron into flesh. it takes some moments for him to stop, to breathe and wheeze from his outburst and tip his head back, sniff and rub the tears from his eyes. he gets up, pulling the sunken blade out and in his hand, and the girl stares back at him blankly. don’t worry, he says, a little shaky but as cold as the frigid blood he used to kill these two men, you’re safe now.

he doesn’t look like a hero, even as he steps over to carefully, gently even, cut the girl out of the rope that bound her hands and feet. ]

I was always this way, and I always will be.

[ if she didn’t want to associate herself with him after that— he’d understand. ]

[sing_for_me]

[ Alex steps back reflexively, but the dragon's arm urges her forward. Each step feels like her feet have turned to lead, her eyes unable to tear away from the gruesome attack--but can she call it that? Even as he cries with such anguish?

The young girl, bound on the floor, brings light back to the reason behind all of this. How much different was this from the time her brother tried to save her, or when she attacked those men that tried to take advantage of the young twilight girl? If Emilio had grabbed a knife instead of a bottle, if she had Nicolas's sword instead of a plank of wood, would that have changed their decisions? So many aspects of this justified Eren's actions. Those men were the very scum that she despised. Yet knowing all of that, what was this uncomfortable twisting in her gut?

I was always this way, and I always will be

What way? How did Eren see himself? Did he know the words that she wouldn't dare voice?

You're scared of Nic because you don't know him.

The words of a wise, young lady echo in her mind, cutting through Alex's biases like the knife that cut through that man's neck. Her hands snatches his own before he can pull away too far, before she can think too long on letting him go. It was the same hand that stabbed a man in cold blood--and who knows how many more men-- but it was also the warm hand that took hers and comforted her, the same ones that protected her with an embrace.

She turns and steps to the side to face him, though it takes a moment to look him in the eye. Her other hand reaches upwards, fingers trembling slightly as they brushes strands of hair from the front of his face, tucking them behind his ear. ]

I...don't know what 'this way'...is. I don't...know all that much about how you are..

[ As her palm presses against his cheek, it steadies, her thumb brushing beneath his eye. The Eren she saw was frightened and terrifyingly bold, righteous and cruel , all bundled in the body of a young boy placed in an impossible situation. But the Eren she was looking at was odd, standoffish but patient, mature and childish, all in the 7 foot frame of a man willing to let children climb on him and let a merrow tackle-hug him in a tub. ]

But I'd...like to.

[ She owed him that much, to learn more, have all the facts, see things for her own eyes before making too quick a decision, too quick a judgment. With all her heart, she hoped her words wouldn't make a liar out of her.

Without pulling away from him, she looks over her shoulder to the little boy covered in blood as he frees the girl, comforting her even as he shook from his own experience. The twisting in her gut turns into a tightening in her chest, Alex inhaling deeply as she looks upon him. Under her breath, she says ]

But who helps you...?

[usurpers]

[ no one, eren thinks to himself even with warmth trailing his face and momentarily not making eye contact, then milliseconds after isn’t all that sure of the conviction he once had. in that situation, he truly no longer trusted his dearly held to help him. all he did was drag them into hell, after hell, after hell until death had enough and snatched them from him. until he killed them. the hell was his, his alone, and no one should be trailing after. that had been the choice he made after liberio. after sasha’s entrails were blasted out onto the airship floors because of the impossible choice he gave them.

eren’s hair is silky black, and even when pressed behind his pointed ears and spiny fins, smaller strands singularly slip back to the front of his face. he wants to smile but he’s not sure to what point wanting to stick around him was good or bad. would anything be any different, in aefenglom? nothing has happened, yet, beyond nearly meeting his end when a bola cut through the flesh of his neck and left the plenty scars that now sat there. a mirrorbound helped him out of that one, not himself. the memory, instead of stopping, continues— as the child eren frees mikasa, a third man swings the door open and comes into the room in shock to find his two partners dead and a little runt with a knife freeing their prize. before eren could finishing freeing mikasa and grab for his knife, the man is quicker, snatches him by the throat, raises him high onto the wall to asphyxiates him.

mikasa doesn’t know what to do. she’s frightened. she’s beyond frightened and battered, and through the chokes the boy tries to pry the hands off his throat with no success, he squeaks: fight. the girl tries to grab the knife that was once his, but tears bubble at the corners of her eyes. i can’t, she whispers to herself, and eren drawls again: fight! ]

That makes two of us. [ in regards to knowing so little, but . . . eren would stick around to get to know her. he’s already decided. what alex thought she was once forced into did not make her, but hid what she was away. he thought he could see it, and maybe he should see more, even if he wasn’t quite redeemable to accept such a kind heart.

that’d be her decision, anyway. for once. eren no longer wanted to take that from people, if he could help it. the boy chokes out the last words he could to the trembling girl as his voice dwindles, yet he screams it anyway. if you lose, you die! if you win, you live! if you don’t fight, you can’t win—!

she still shakes, but the grip on the blade is tight. she wants to do something, she wants to save him the same way he saved her. eren says it one more time, before he begins losing consciousness: fight!

her grip changes, her stance sturdies, she twists the blade and charges with so much strength in her momentum that her heel splinters the wooden floor beneath. she stabs the man from behind, in the heart, and he dies seconds after. eren is free, she was as well— now they only had to recuperate. eren, with wheezes, the girl— it was foggy. ]

I came to this memory with my brother, once. [ there’s no softness for his brother. it’s matter of fact, as if he was talking about any other rando on the street. ] Freedom isn’t something you have. It’s something you take.

[ what did he see in himself—? ]

I don’t think twice about taking someone’s freedom away if they take mine.

[sing_for_me]

[ Alex startles when another man barges in and pins the younger Eren to the wall. She knows he turns out okay--he's in front of her, after all--but she can't help the worry that came with seeing him being held that way. His words catch her attention though.

In situations like that, especially where she was from, most people would have said "kill him". But Eren chose to say fight. Something about that felt so impactful, made such a difference in Alex's perspective.

if you lose, you die! if you win, you live! if you don’t fight, you can’t win—!

This was about survival for him. Killing didn't come easy because of something twisted inside of him--at least, she was starting to doubt that that was the case. Something still didn't sit right for her, but it seemed it might be something much simpler than she might have thought. If anything, it was only more heartbreaking to know that this was the mindset he had to have. That he had to think that way.

Her gaze returns to him, sorrowful as she sees him from a shifting point of view. ]

...Do you? Feel free?

[usurpers]

[ at first, eren is silent. as moments pass, the quiet continues. it grows until it’s its own shadow and bleakly cuts a sorry truth into the young man’s heart. he wishes to be free. it’s all hems ever fought for—

but he was not free. no matter what he told others in his attempts to convince the doubt around him into even more vagueness . . . eren was free, in a sense, that his choices were his, and his alone. liberty ran thin in his grasp if one were to ask if he did what he did because he enjoyed it, because he felt like it, because he wanted to—

no, most of what he did was forced upon him by circumstance, and it’s what leaves alex without an answer that was more than enough of an answer at the same time: no comment. only a downcast of eyes that plead for something, and words locked away to leave them behind.

the only thing that’s left for this memory to reveal as it comes to its end is eren’s father bursting through the front door— and staring about in horror as the room only held dead bodies, and, shortly after his shock skewers, he sees life: his boy, standing protectively in front of the girl huddled behind him in the cold. after shouting, after grisha sternly scolds his son for taking such irreparable risks on his life, the child chokes out a soft sob: i just wanted to save her.

images grow misty and so do words as consciousness begins to fade, but the note it ends on is clean and sticks out more than the wooden cabin walls. it’s cold, isn’t it? eren asks mikasa— he takes his scarf, wraps it around her head the same way any child would try and gracelessly wrap a gift. she looks silly and the fabric awkwardly covers an eye as the boy tries his best, fixes the collar until she looks comfy, and tells her, curtly and warm: let’s go home.

she had no home, but the way her eyes fill with tears and how her cheeks burn shows that she’s smiling underneath the brashly coiled bundle around her mouth. ]

[sing_for_me]

[ His silence was more powerful a response than she hoped for, and it made her heart ache as she looked up into such sorrowful eyes. Her attention is only taken way when the memory continues, watching as his father finally arrives, with Eren continuing to comfort the girl. It was clear that it wasn't the violence that affected the other child, no where close to how much the warmth Eren showed her did.

There's still that urge that pulls at Alex, one that she's been eating at her since somewhere at the start of his memory. A need to do something, not just for the younger Eren, but the Eren before her. Her hand reaches behind his head, pulling him towards her but also meeting him halfway as she leans up on her toes. The merrow brings him close enough so their foreheads touch, her eyes closing and her fingers combing through silky strands of hair and caressing the back of his neck. ]

Oh, Eren...

[ He had to do something terrible to ultimately do something good, and Alex couldn't begin to imagine how many more of those decisions he's had to make up to this point. She can't say whether it was the right thing to do, and who was she to claim that, but what she could tell was that he was in pain. That was something she could address--though it probably wasn't anything she could do something about either. All she could do at the very least, or try to, was in this moment let him know that he wasn't alone. ]