[His own feelings, they're convoluted things. They've lost some of their old edge, in the wake of everything. He's begun, he thinks, to move towards a kind of acceptance. Knows - or thinks he does - that he never had been what Asra wanted and all the different ways they had ripped and torn at each other may still stand there like silent ghosts between them, but three years ago, it had been a strange and difficult time. They'd both been a little younger, both thrown into something bigger, darker, than they'd bargained for.
And all the old longing might still be there, just below the surface, but Asra has his apprentice now - the very thing Julian took from him with the ugly depths of his own neglect - and this is something he can accept.
But to hear him say it-- that he doesn't want to see him hurt himself, that there are people who care like he deserves. Well.
This time, when he laughs, it lacks the golden warmth from before.]
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And all the old longing might still be there, just below the surface, but Asra has his apprentice now - the very thing Julian took from him with the ugly depths of his own neglect - and this is something he can accept.
But to hear him say it-- that he doesn't want to see him hurt himself, that there are people who care like he deserves. Well.
This time, when he laughs, it lacks the golden warmth from before.]
I don't deserve much of anything.