middaeg | But those of us, those of us, us of lesser gods

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But those of us, those of us, us of lesser gods

Who: Sacthach/Lancer/Shadow/Why Does She Have So Many Pseudonyms and Zelda
When: The firworks of Samuin
Where: The roof of casa del queen
What: A long awaited discussion
Warnings: n/a

[ Cold was the autumn evening air, the sort that would lead one to shiver until presented with a lover or friend to snuggle against. No doubt that fit perfectly well in a city so braced along togetherness as it was, both metaphorically and otherwise. But it had always been like that back home, too, hadn't it? Gathered around the bonfire, the human and spiritual existing as one to enjoy the company of the other. The liminal times when the World's limitations seemed less strict, less like true binds...

Her own moments to once more touch her mother soil, to breathe in the true air. It was something she would never take for granted, having been disconnected from the World for so long as she had. Even when Ritsuka had first summoned her, it always felt like she'd only be there for a brief moment before fading once more back to the ether of the Land of Shadows, not even part of the Throne with her fellow Heroes... longing for a fitting end to her ever extended story. And even in this world...

No. In this world, things had been different. In this world, despite having only spent a comparatively short while, everything had been different. So much of what she knew of the World, of herself, had been shifted and changed and questioned. Even her sense of self, the lunar presence always present in her own mind, had been compromised, shifted, and made somehow less whole. The black city, her feral episodes, all of it...

It was too much. But the idea of surrendering more of her autonomy just to find some peace didn't sit well with her either. What had seemed so easy to accept with Ritsuka back in Chaldea seemed so much more difficult to even conceive of now. And yet there was no denying that as strong as she believed herself to be, she could no longer shoulder these burdens alone. And trust was in short supply.

So now, on this eve of Samhain again, she felt that despite how often she had faced it with melancholy before, she almost welcomed the possibility to once more disappear into the spiritual, to leave the mortal plain of this world, and find her true home once again within the Land of Shadows.

But... but Zelda... she had still stayed with her, against all wisdom, against instinct and her own assessment of herself, had remained with her. Shadow could have killed her. She had stayed. And she still wondered what she had done to truly deserve that. ]

I didn't take you for the fireworks watching sort.

[ Her scent was unmistakable at this point... she'd always know when she was around, climbing up to the rood to join her. ]

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[To say Zelda has been worried would be... not entirely inaccurate, yet not entirely fitting, either. Full moons and malicious miasma aside, she knows Shadow is entirely capable of taking care of herself, and to think anything less would be an insult to her person. And yet, in the wake of the mist disaster, she has found herself in possession of a greater awareness of Shadow's comings and goings, a quiet vigilance towards her tone and expression as they each go about their day.

She's wanted to ask. What, exactly, she doesn't know; she hasn't been able to make the words coalesce in her mind in a way she finds adequate, and between her own uncertainty and being pulled this way and that as the city recovers, the time has never really felt right.

But now Marie has pranced off with her musician friends, Giorno is content enough with Fugo for the moment, and who knows what the "students" are doing but they're not here, and... maybe she just thinks it would be terribly lonely to sit up waiting for the new year all by oneself. Or maybe she's just projecting.

Either way, she can't stop herself from pouting just a little, despite everything, when Shadow calls out her scurry to the rooftop with hardly more than a sniff in the right direction. She's not openly prideful of the skills she learned while on the run, but having them completely invalidated with so little effort sticks her like a thorn stuck in her boot.]

I could say the same for you.

[That mild irritation is shaken off easily enough, however, as she pulls herself up over the edge of the roof. Despite her retort, there's genuine question in her eyes as she asks--]

... Would you like company?

[She'll leave, not another question asked, should the answer be no. But she's taking another gamble that it isn't.]

[ It wasn't as if Shadow could turn off her senses... and she would likely not forget Zelda's scent anytime soon.

And that was part of it, wasn't it? In so seemingly short a period of time, Zelda had become... part of her life, not just simply a housemate, not just simply her disciple's friend. Her scent was known to her and it was...

Comforting. ]

Aye... so long as it's yours.

[Well, doesn't that make her feel all warm and gooey and a little bit embarrassed inside. A light dusting of pink tints the tips of her long ears in the last few dying rays of sunset, but with permission granted, she settles down in the spot next to Shadow, drawing her legs up and loosely draping her arms around her knees to fend off the growing chill.]

You make it sound like it is something special.

[Her company, that is. And though it's said mostly in jest, there is a certain level of genuine curiosity there. She's... not been the recipient of very many affectionate words, as Shadow has no doubt been able to intuit during their time living together.]

... It has become something kin to it. [ Scathach kept her gaze on the sparkling sky ahead of them, and without even thinking, draped an arm about Zelda to share some of her warmth with her. Without thinking... without thought... she just...

When did this become so instinctual to her? Was it the beast, or her? ]

We should... talk.

[Oh. Okay. This is happening. For a brief moment, her shoulders tense under the weight of Shadow's arm, but it fades quickly enough, and after a second to see if she isn't going to take her arm away just as quickly, Zelda quietly scooches herself an inch or so closer to make it more comfortable.

(It is also very hard to deny a turnskin's ambient warmth as fall turns to winter, besides.)

And that's really where her mind is at: focused on Shadow's comfort and feelings over any of her own thoughts. So when she vaguely alludes to the elephant on the roof, the princess finds herself almost relieved that she doesn't have to be the one to break that ice. She hums her agreement, tapping her fingers against her knees as she searches for the words that will sound right on her tongue.]

... You have been... struggling a great deal with something for quite some time, it feels.

[A neutral observation, one that Shadow may confirm or deny as she sees fit. The ball is going to stay in her court for as long as Zelda can keep it there.]

[ Perhaps not as neutral as Zelda hoped. Because it wasn't as if anyone knew the true extent of just how badly Scathach had been handling, well... all of it. No one besides Zelda, at least. Zelda had witnessed first hand Scathach at her most weak, most wounded and bare. She'd nearly killed her... and yet Zelda had remained, had sang for her so softly and sweetly...

She deserved better than what Scathach had given her thus far. ]

My mother was the Queen of Dun Scaith, but that title, the one I share with her now, almost seems a misnomer. We were not a kingdom proper, not the way most think of it, even other Celts. We were but an island tribe, isolated and scarce...

A gateway into the Land of Shadows, a place apart from the World and its Root, where the darkness is so much that it can hold all of the World's dead within it. That was the place my people watched over, but my mother so did love the shadows despite all of that...

A deep breath, a small sigh.

That's why she gave me this name. "Scathach". For she thought the darkness was beautiful, and so did she pass that beauty to me.

You may call me by that name, if you wish.

[Her brows lift with surprise, the course of the conversation not going the way she expected. Outside of her relationship to Caster and Berserker, the other woman was clearly not keen on revealing much of her life before falling through the mirror to Aefenglom - a decision Zelda saw no need to refute. It isn't as though she doesn't have her own secrets that she is keeping, after all. So for Shadow-- Scathach to speak of her family, her homeland, her name... she recognizes the importance in it.]

... Scah-- [She stops. Purses her lips. Adjusts her tongue and tries again.] Scathach.

[There. Better. And... she supposes one bout of honesty deserves another.]

My own mother passed away before I could know her face outside of portraits. But the woman who raised me-- the proper term for her people is "Sheikah," but they are colloquially known as the "Shadow Folk," keepers of Hyrule's secrets and the legends that should not be known to the general populace. And history will come to remember her as the "Sage of Shadow."

That... is why I found some amusement in the pseudonym you chose to give me.

[... It sounds a little silly now that she's said it, but, well, it's been said, and this isn't about her, besides. A moment of silence passes between them as colors burst into the night sky above, before she ducks her head slightly to carefully ask--]

Do you... wish to return to that place, Scathach?

[ Scathach didn't believe it was simply irony or coincidence that Zelda held such a strong connection to shadows. The darkness had a way of drawing people together, after all... ]

I carry Dun Scaith, the Land of Shadows, with me at all times. It has become a part of me, not simply some physical place, but an intangible part of myself. I have nothing to return to because I have never left it.

[That explanation... is a little bit beyond her understanding as it stands, but she can make sense of enough of it to know that it wasn't really the sort of answer she was looking for. She tilts her head, lips quirked a little helplessly, a little sad.]

Allow me to rephrase, then: do you wish that you were not... here, physically, in this city?

[She could hardly be blamed if she did, Zelda thinks.]

[ Mm... That was a more difficult question to answer, wasn't it? The other was just more difficult to explain. But as for whether she wished she were not in Aefenglom, within this world, itself... ]

There are... things I regret doing. But I do not regret existing here, or meeting you, if that's what you mean. I've not failed to find purpose...

Purpose can make a great many things far more bearable than they would be otherwise...

[The way she says that suggests she has not been so lucky herself. Her purpose lies in Hyrule, and no matter how she might fill her days in this strangle world, that fact will always be there to greet her whenever she looks in the mirror. But, grand designs aside, they're starting to get to the crux of the matter, and, quietly, Zelda lifts a hand and crosses it over herself to rest upon the one Scathach has curled around her.]

... Obviously, I cannot speak for all that happened over the course of this past full moon, but if one of those things you regret is your behavior towards me, I would ask you to forgive yourself for it. I harbor no grudge towards those who had their sense taken from them those nights, least of all you.

[ Scathach knew she'd say something like that. It was so painfully like her to do so. She laced her fingers with Zelda's, idly brushing her thumb over her knuckles, sighing. ]

I nearly killed you. And even if I hadn't killed you, I could have done even worse...

[ Because they both knew it was not simply literal 'hunting' driving that beast, either. A hidden loneliness within Scathach had manifested, and became just as wild and 'hungry'. ]

... Many things have nearly killed me. [She admits with a slight shrug of her shoulders. Scathach has likely seen enough of her to know she did not have a "typical" royal upbringing.] You, at least, have the distinction of not wanting to.

[But... that night was not merely about violence and survival. No, there was something else there, something Zelda has not allowed herself to contemplate too deeply upon until Scathach leaves the implication to hang in the air like an executioner's axe. Something between her fingers, that she doesn't have the vocabulary to address.

Fortunately, she's no stranger to roundabout speaking.]

This world... is unkind to those who attempt to carry their burdens completely by themselves, speaking as one who tried. [She might have held out even longer, had the calendar not conspired to have a festival on the new moon.] ... I know you spent a great amount of time in the wild outside of the city after we returned from Dorchacht; that... may have exacerbated things even further once the moon rose, along with that conjured mist.

It was for the best... or at least that's what I believed at the time. [ Scathach hummed again, her breath huffing out through her nose. The second phase of the fireworks show was beginning, something more low key and focusing on filling the night sky with warm colors that washed among the clouds of burned materials left behind by the previous volleys. ]

We who are Heroic Spirits know what it means to serve a Master. A Master has the given right to command us as they please. I've not truly questioned that, seeing it simply as my purpose as a warrior...

... I'm not certain I feel so content with it any longer. And the Bonds seem ever too close to that, too intimate, too close to my frustrations and my doubts.

I could not... burden you with any of that, not after all the work you'd already done, how tired you already were.

I wanted to protect you from myself. I'm certain that makes me seem like a fool, now, doesn't it? And yet part of me... still does. Part of me still feels my best course would be to leave you like the shadow I am, pushed back by the light of dawn...

[Zelda's response does not come immediately, though hints of her disagreement trickle through in the way her fingers flex and tighten around Scathach's, and how her brow furrows as she watches light fill the sky. But silence stretches between them for a few moments as she considers, because the things Scathach says are things that are not entirely unfamiliar to her.]

... Can it really be called protection, if the one you hope to shield is left to the mercy of their own imagination? Sometimes the things the mind conjures can be worse than the truth.

[She sighs, shoulders sagging.]

But I can understand the urge to... hide these parts of yourself that you find unseemly. It is something I struggle with myself. That being said... I also know that it would not make me happy if you were to disappear now. Instead I would worry and wonder, as I have been all this time. And such feelings are exhausting enough in their own right.

I would prefer to help you, if I can. If you would allow me to. I have just-- [Her lips twist, like something bitter sits upon her tongue.] --... been too cowardly to presume I had the right to ask.

[ Ah. There it was. That... that was what she expected to be coming, even if the whole thing seemed so uncharacteristic of either of them. Even now, the very concept remained unnamed, left vague and nebulous between them. But Scathach knew... ]

You speak of a Bond.

N-- not in so many words...!

[Zelda is quick to correct, curling in on herself as her ears burn with embarrassment. These are definitely uncharted waters, and navigating them deftly feels like a herculean task. Especially when her instinct is to ramble when she's flustered.]

I would be a hypocrite and then some if I were to try to tell you that your worries are unfounded in regards to such a thing. It is terrifying and awkward and-- I certainly do not want you to think I am pressuring you towards that end, with me or anyone else. Not to mention I would need to talk to Giorno first...

[A huff, followed by a shake of her head to clear it.]

I just-- ... You said you wanted to be my friend, and correctly intuited that I am not someone who has had luxury of very many. But I am fairly certain friends are meant to be able to... talk to one another, and help each other in their times of need, and... as far as I can tell, you have remained true to your word that you would not take advantage of me, so...

[help she has no idea what she's doing]

Ease yourself, my lady... [ Scathach reached with her other hand now, letting it gently frame Zelda's chin, holding her there, as if to keep her focused and allowing her thoughts to slow, to remain in the moment. ]

I will not walk any path with you that you are no ready to go along with me. But I say with certainty that you've earned my esteem, my gratitude, and even... affection. Whether there is a bond or not...

["Ease yourself," she says, like it's something that's easy to do with her hand under her chin and between her fingers, holding her like she's something precious while speaking of things like affection. But despite the flush that creeps down from her ears to bloom across her face, Zelda does heed Scathach's urging, closing her eyes and breathing deeply to steady herself.

Calm down. Focus. She shouldn't be the one that's being comforted right now. When she opens her eyes again, it's with something like resolve.]

... If I have earned your trust, then that path is not one that I would object to walking with you. But only then, and only if it is something you want. I just... do not want to see you in that kind of pain again.

That is all I mean to say.

Aye, and I hear your words... [ Scathach let out a long sigh, gently leaning in to press her forehead against Zelda's. The fireworks had started up again in earnest, the evening's big finale, this time casting such a brilliance into the sky that it sparkled above the both of them, reflecting off of pale skin. Scathach could see them within Zelda's eyes... ]

I'll pay proper thought to it... I'll give you an answer before the next full moon.

[ Her eyes closed in that moment, breath slow, and words quiet. ]

... Thank you, my lady, for all that you've done for me. Whether it's a bond or not, I'll aim to pay you the same kindness and empathy you have shown me in however long the time we have together will be...

[She's... really very close, isn't she. Not for the first time, but without the rush of adrenaline it's impossible to ignore the fluttering in her stomach and the rapid fire hammering of her heart between her ribs. Blue eyes remain wide as Scathach speaks, her fingers unconsciously tightening around the other woman's own, watching... waiting? She feels as though she's being suspended over a cliff, somehow, anticipating a drop her mind won't allow her to contemplate in detail.

It's nothing. She's just seeking comfort, that's all. She doesn't read to deeply into things like this. She has her duty to consider.]

I... hardly feel as though I have done anything, really. I do not know what to do or say that would make this whole ordeal easier on you...

[And that's been her role in the past. She's the one that's supposed to have the answers, the plans, the solutions to problems even if she lacks the ability to see them carried out herself. But here she's just as lost as anyone else...]

[ It was... difficult to not be distracted by the story told within Zelda's eyes, a tale she'd seen spun before her plenty of times before, though done so with a much more direct intention of seduction or playfulness. But this was... more real, perhaps uncomfortably real for them both. She'd never intended to tease Zelda like this, she was simply just... like this, with those she cared about. A part of the culture she came up in, the company she kept, and having a life starved of more real affections for so long, between brief periods she could exist within the world proper again. ]

You do not need to do or say anything simply for my sake. Just... being yourself, doing what you decided was right in the moment with out any demands from myself, has brought me ease.

There is no... itinerary for supporting someone you care for, my lady.

[ A sigh, trying to pull her eyes away, knowing it was mostly her own foolish self that had lead to all of this. They were at a precipice, and it wasn't simply courage or trepidation that would guide them in either direction. This was... more difficult than that. ]

Follow your intuition. It will guide you well.

That is... something easier said than done, I think.

[Ever since she was a girl, she can remember having a strong intuition-- being able to read the hearts of men as easily as ink on parchment. But it was that same intuition that pushed her down the path that would lead to Hyrule's ruin, and witnessing the consequences of that has left her faith in it in pieces. Wisdom is a double edged blade, one she feels she'll cut herself upon no matter which way she wields it.

It especially doesn't help her here, whispering little questions in her ear that are becoming increasingly difficult to deafen herself towards. She bites her lip, another moment of silence interrupted only by the bursting of the fireworks' finale passing between them as she forces herself not to wonder if she's... special, in some way.]

Would you... want to walk around the shopping district a bit, after the fireworks are over? I imagine there must be at least a few stalls hawking holiday specials for the night.

[A distraction, perhaps, is in order. But one that's among other people, rather than separated from it. ... And one that will allow for a bit more space from... whatever this is.]

[ It very obviously was easier said than done, but it spoke to Scathach's faith that she was able to have faith in that, regardless, and allowed it to be left alone for the moment... They could both use a break from the tension as she paid thought to the idea of Bonding with Zelda, after all. ]

Aye, I think I'd like that.

[Another sigh passes through Zelda's lips, relief washing over her with Scathach's assent. For once, she feels like she's managed to do something right, and her eyes crinkle around the edges with her smile.]

All right. That is what we shall do then.

[But there's no rush. She pulls her head away only to rest it upon Scathach's shoulder as she turns her attention to the fireworks show that they've mostly missed, soaking up the offered warmth. Because she might as well, right?

Yes, she can be quite content with that, she thinks.]

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But those of us, those of us, us of lesser gods

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