[the words pop out of Styx's mouth before he's really ready for them, a feeling more than a thought that's too strong to be held back by a mind as meager as his own. even he seems surprised to hear them, and his gentle eyes crinkle a little when he looks down at Karin, begging her patience as the silence drags out between far longer than polite conversation demands, straining to explain the sentiment in a coherent fashion.
he knows what his heart's trying to communicate, can find bits and pieces that would serve him well, but...god, it's so hard to talk. he wishes that Ymir was here with him.]
What I mean is...um, know this isn't about me 'nd all, but - at home, when I was younger, there was this. Um, this real bad thing that happened to me.
[it's so stupid, given the vast and much more intense population that made up the Mirrorbound, but even now Styx still can't bring himself to confess to his time in the detention center unless he absolutely had to. it was still a burning mark of shame for him, something that he feared would only brand him as even more of a hulking threat to others in the eyes of those around him. just talking about it like this feels frightening to him...but it's also the only way he knows to explain himself, and for Karin's sake he forges ahead after a small swallow.]
In the end it turned out it was really lucky! 'Cause if it hadn't happened I wouldn't have done stuff that got me picked up by the band, 'nd I'd have never made friends 'nd gotten to play drums. You know, all good stuff!
But...didn't make what happened any less awful, even if it gave me something good. Felt like - like there really wasn't any part of me that really deserved to be alive. I cried a ton, even after it was over.
[having to leave his auntie, knowing that in some way he'd confirmed everyone's beliefs that he'd only ever grow up to be a thug...there had been a lot of tears shed. but here in the present Styx is smiling, giving his friend's shoulder a tiny squeeze.]
Guess what I'm trying to say is, like, getting my second chance didn't mean that it didn't take something from me anyway. 's gone, 'nd it's never coming back...'nd I don't think you can really feel all the way good again if you pretend like it didn't matter, or it didn't happen at all. [he laughs, quietly.] Even if it really hurts.
no subject
[the words pop out of Styx's mouth before he's really ready for them, a feeling more than a thought that's too strong to be held back by a mind as meager as his own. even he seems surprised to hear them, and his gentle eyes crinkle a little when he looks down at Karin, begging her patience as the silence drags out between far longer than polite conversation demands, straining to explain the sentiment in a coherent fashion.
he knows what his heart's trying to communicate, can find bits and pieces that would serve him well, but...god, it's so hard to talk. he wishes that Ymir was here with him.]
What I mean is...um, know this isn't about me 'nd all, but - at home, when I was younger, there was this. Um, this real bad thing that happened to me.
[it's so stupid, given the vast and much more intense population that made up the Mirrorbound, but even now Styx still can't bring himself to confess to his time in the detention center unless he absolutely had to. it was still a burning mark of shame for him, something that he feared would only brand him as even more of a hulking threat to others in the eyes of those around him. just talking about it like this feels frightening to him...but it's also the only way he knows to explain himself, and for Karin's sake he forges ahead after a small swallow.]
In the end it turned out it was really lucky! 'Cause if it hadn't happened I wouldn't have done stuff that got me picked up by the band, 'nd I'd have never made friends 'nd gotten to play drums. You know, all good stuff!
But...didn't make what happened any less awful, even if it gave me something good. Felt like - like there really wasn't any part of me that really deserved to be alive. I cried a ton, even after it was over.
[having to leave his auntie, knowing that in some way he'd confirmed everyone's beliefs that he'd only ever grow up to be a thug...there had been a lot of tears shed. but here in the present Styx is smiling, giving his friend's shoulder a tiny squeeze.]
Guess what I'm trying to say is, like, getting my second chance didn't mean that it didn't take something from me anyway. 's gone, 'nd it's never coming back...'nd I don't think you can really feel all the way good again if you pretend like it didn't matter, or it didn't happen at all. [he laughs, quietly.] Even if it really hurts.