[It's easy to see the worry, the concern written all over Reynir's face. The Icelander has always been an open book that way, and with their Bond active now, and being this close to him, it's even more painfully obvious what Reynir is feeling, how carefully he is choosing his words in an attempt not to hurt Onni.
Mostly, Onni feels irritated at himself for so obviously needing to be emotionally protected that way. For being such an obviously emotional person struggling with things that he should have moved on from years ago. Pressing his lips into a straight line and trying to blink away the stinging from his eyes, he just watches and listens to Reynir while he talks about why his memories might have gone.]
I think it was. I had Tuuri and Lalli to look out for, after all. I had to make sure I got a job, that they would be fed, that they had someone who stayed with them who they could rely on. They couldn't rely on me if I was...if I cried all the time. I cried enough as it was, and I tried not to do it where they could see me. They had...they had enough to deal with.
[After a few moments, he can't maintain eye contact anymore and drops his gaze, fidgeting with the wreath in his hands.]
And I don't think much has changed, now. Tuuri is...Tuuri is gone, and Lalli has people who can take care of him now, but I'm still trying to survive, and to make things right. I can't afford to...
[His voice chokes off for a moment. Reynir keeps telling him he's not alone and that he doesn't have to do anything by himself, that he's safe and in a safe place. But none of that seems very real to Onni, he still feels like a threatened animal, backed into a corner, fighting to survive while wounded. It still takes the smallest trigger to have his system flooded with adrenaline and fear, or his eyes flood with tears and the grief open up like a bottomless pit.
There's no safety in that. He can't take care of himself like that.]
I don't know what I want.
[His voice comes out more strained than he'd intended, but he pushes himself to keep going.]
I'd like to...I'd like to see them again. But...
[It's not something he likes to admit, but if anyone would understand and, he thinks, not judge him for it...that would be Reynir.]
But I'm barely holding things together as it is. It's quiet here, I'm not on guard all the time, it's not as dangerous, so I keep thinking too much and I can't...
[He waves a hand, vaguely.]
If I see that, I don't know if I'll be able to keep holding things together. You understand?
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Mostly, Onni feels irritated at himself for so obviously needing to be emotionally protected that way. For being such an obviously emotional person struggling with things that he should have moved on from years ago. Pressing his lips into a straight line and trying to blink away the stinging from his eyes, he just watches and listens to Reynir while he talks about why his memories might have gone.]
I think it was. I had Tuuri and Lalli to look out for, after all. I had to make sure I got a job, that they would be fed, that they had someone who stayed with them who they could rely on. They couldn't rely on me if I was...if I cried all the time. I cried enough as it was, and I tried not to do it where they could see me. They had...they had enough to deal with.
[After a few moments, he can't maintain eye contact anymore and drops his gaze, fidgeting with the wreath in his hands.]
And I don't think much has changed, now. Tuuri is...Tuuri is gone, and Lalli has people who can take care of him now, but I'm still trying to survive, and to make things right. I can't afford to...
[His voice chokes off for a moment. Reynir keeps telling him he's not alone and that he doesn't have to do anything by himself, that he's safe and in a safe place. But none of that seems very real to Onni, he still feels like a threatened animal, backed into a corner, fighting to survive while wounded. It still takes the smallest trigger to have his system flooded with adrenaline and fear, or his eyes flood with tears and the grief open up like a bottomless pit.
There's no safety in that. He can't take care of himself like that.]
I don't know what I want.
[His voice comes out more strained than he'd intended, but he pushes himself to keep going.]
I'd like to...I'd like to see them again. But...
[It's not something he likes to admit, but if anyone would understand and, he thinks, not judge him for it...that would be Reynir.]
But I'm barely holding things together as it is. It's quiet here, I'm not on guard all the time, it's not as dangerous, so I keep thinking too much and I can't...
[He waves a hand, vaguely.]
If I see that, I don't know if I'll be able to keep holding things together. You understand?