middaeg | [closed] I ditched all my plans my family and friends

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[closed] I ditched all my plans my family and friends

Who: Jin Guangyao, Lan Wangji, Lan Xichen, and Wei Wuxian
When: some time after the great May chaos dies down a bit
Where: a new little cottage in the residential district
What: Having wangxian over for dinner as a show of good grace.
Warnings: death glares, passive aggressive comments, and wei wuxian's spice collection

It probably takes some convincing on Lan Xichen's part since everyone else involved is uncomfortable with even the idea of coming together. But even a single step means something, and Lan Xichen believes that if he can show Lan Wangji that things are not bad for him, he will be more forgiving toward their bond arrangement. And maybe if he is lucky, Jin Guangyao will begin to see that not everything is going to return to the past. They can acknowledge something new by changing the way they live now, which means changing their relationship with the others.

So a dinner together is the risk he decides to take. He starts small, of course. Wei Wuxian has generally shown himself to be a peaceful person when not forced into a corner and at least Wangji respects him enough to show restraint. It's... not so bad, is it? He supposes that it might be ambitious, but they can't keep living on the echoes of resentment forever. Although he does volunteer to do the majority of the cooking for everyone's peace of mind (and their stomachs). With nervousness still present, he focuses on quiet peace, hoping that some of that coming through the bond will help keep Jin Guangyao calm as well. As for the other two, well, that is up to fate. He's just finishing the last dishes as they wait for the two to arrive.

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Staying out of Lan Xichen's way as he finishes up in the kitchen, Jin Guangyao rests for a moment in one of the chairs now that the places are set. He's worried about Lan Xichen tripping over the few feet of his tail trailing on the floor by this point, and his legs are too tired for restless pacing and checking over everything -- which is what he'd probably be doing otherwise.

He'd rather just avoid them, Lan Wangji in particular. But it would make Xichen happy.Suffice to say, his own feelings coming through the bond are not very settled at all, tamping down on a certain amount of low-key resentment for the loss of his hand, an injury not so easy to forget.

When he hears someone at the door though, he pushes himself up out of the seat, half with the tail itself and opens the door for company, bowing with a smile. "Hanguang-jun, Wei Wuxian. It really has been some time, hasn't it?"

Has it. This is surreal. Lan Xichen and Jin Guangyao, living under the same roof, connected by the same kind of bond that he and Wei Wuxian share. Lan Wangji has categorically refused to ponder the similarities and differences between both; his brother is more than capable of handling his own business, and it’s not that he questions his judgment, exactly. His heart is too kind, for one. Too forgiving, which isn’t bad per se, but it’s led to disastrous turns of events before, and Lan Wangji fears what he might wind up doing, should he or Wei Wuxian find themselves hurt or manipulated again.

Still, he acknowledges him for his brother’s sake, because it’s the reason why they’re here. A truce of sorts, an opportunity for him to gauge just how safe Lan Xichen actually is. He wields Bichen nonetheless, but he does incline his head, not quite a bow but a display of politeness he doesn’t think he deserves. Beside him, Wei Wuxian, pinkies intertwined, and he reluctantly lets go of him as they walk in, Lan Wangji breezing past Jin Guangyao to find his brother.

”Xiōngzhǎng,” he bows, a small box in his hand. It’s nothing more than an assortment of spice and herbs that he’s been growing for his bonded, a humble gift for the invitation.

All things considered, maybe he should have brought alcohol.

Wei Wuxian is slightly troubled about this dinner invitation. It doesn't show itself in his easy expressions, he doesn't let it be felt through the bond that they share. But he's concerned nonetheless, the same question turning up in his head over and over again on their way over to the other men's home:

What if Zewu-jun's food is too bland to swallow?

And that's the extent of his worries, at least for tonight. Make no mistake, Wei Wuxian also has his reservations about this bond. But Lan Xichen is in no danger from anyone as long as his brother is near. So maybe this is even a good thing, a way for Jin Guangyao to be reminded and take note. He gives his bonded's hand a squeeze when they're greeted, tuning in to Lan Zhan's emotional state even more than usual.

He lingers with Jin Guangyao while the brothers greet one another, arms behind his back and lips curved by their usual smile. There's a sharpness to his eyes though. This is the closest that he's actually been to him, not out of fear but because he tried to honor the promise that he made to Lan Zhan.

"I hope it's okay that we're a little early. Lan Zhan could hardly wait. He's been meditating and training all day just to pass the time."

Or to get his urge to kill under control, one or the other.

Hopefully, hopefully they can all manage to do one simple thing like share a meal together without bloodshed. Lan Xichen thinks that with the distraction of something to occupy them that it might at least help, even if they won't fully accept each other. Well, they can only move forward one step at a time, so if things turn out poorly, he will just have to learn from that.

He's not too far away from them, anyway, so Lan Wangji can easily find him setting out the prepared food for them all to share, with small dishes set around the table neatly. He stops to greet his brother, smiling gently as he accepts the box with a short bow and careful appreciation of the little box.

"Thank you, Wangji."

For the gift and for his tolerance in everything so far. He knows it is difficult for his younger brother, something he had thought might completely pull them apart, but despite his feelings, Lan Wangji has been generous enough. It gives him a little hope. If he could find a way to ease everyone's worries then maybe some of the issues could be avoided. Well, issues involving actual violence. The resentment may just be permanent.

"I tried to prepare some different dishes for the occasion. I hope they aren't too unusual."

He says that loud enough for Wei Wuxian to perhaps overhear, because he does remember how his brother's love had complained about food in the past. He did his best.

Jin Guangyao's eyes follow Lan Wangji for a half second as the man practically brushes past him, with that barest hint of politeness. If there is a flicker of resentment, it's quickly walled off from his bondmate.

"Of course, it's not a problem at all," he assures Wei Wuxian, meeting his eyes; and seeing the look there, there really isn't much to smile about either, but it's still faintly on his lips anyway. "Please, come in and have a seat. Would you like something to drink? There's both tea and something stronger, if you prefer." Because the Lan brothers might not drink, but he knows at least a few things about Wei Wuxian. If permitted, he'll even pour the drinks, although judging from the reception he's getting from the start, Jin Guangyao would hardly be surprised if even that much was looked upon with suspicion.

Something stronger, yes please. “Tea,” he says instead, not quite trusting Jin Guangyao, but trusting his brother to ensure that nothing’s been poisoned. His Bonded is a snake, after all. And also Jin Guangyao. What a pleasantly lethal evening in perspective.

He sits quietly, Bichen resting on the floor beside him. There’s an entire herd of elephants in the room; who will dare acknowledge them first? Not him. All in due time. First, he’ll observe. The table, for one, offers a colorful assortment of unfamiliar dishes, and truth be told, it smells divine. This is important. Not for him, but for his brother, and he looks up with schooled features, softer around the edges. “You honor us.” And please don’t mind him as he produces a medium-sized bottle of crimson death from his sleeve, placing it where he expects Wei Wuxian to sit; he means no offense, something coy in the way he apologetically bows his head, a timid smile.

"I'm sure everything's delicious. We appreciate it."

His gaze shifts briefly to the elder brother, giving him a salute after Lan Zhan. Wei Wuxian is surprised at the offer of "something stronger" that follows, clearly not expecting that under a Lan roof. His mouth is already open to accept the offer before his brain catches up and makes him reconsider.

"Ah, tea. Tea is fine."

It's followed by a bit of polite but awkward laughter. Tea is definitely not what Wei Wuxian wants to be drinking, ever. It's not like a single cup or even a single jar is enough to really have a negative effect on him, but things being what they are, the tension in the room and uncertainty of the evening, maybe it's for the best that he doesn't.

He does turn mournful eyes to his bonded though, the 'look how much I love you' unspoken. And Lan Wangji returns the sentiment in the form of another bottle that may help Wei Wuxian get through the night. He grins at the witch with unabashed fondness while taking his seat. He takes a good look around the table then, rubbing his hands together.

"Let's eat before it gets cold. Zewu-jun, there's so much. It's like you started cooking as soon as you woke up this morning."

"Are you sure?"

And it's Lan Xichen's turn for honest surprise there. Of course he and Wangji shouldn't be drinking, but he had almost assumed that Wei Wuxian would. He remembers the man's love of drinks clearly enough, and they are not really forbidden to him or Jin Guangyao. Not even to his brother, if he really thought Wangji would want it. Making sure the other three are as comfortable and at least as satisfied as they can be to make this meeting go smoothly. If he looks a little disappointed, it's because he's worried that their guests really won't be able to relax and that he won't be able to prove that things are going well with the new house.

"Oh, yes... Well, at least try some of these. I don't know if they turned out the way they were meant to. I followed the directions, but I'm afraid I don't have any experience with them. Wei-gongzi, I hope you'll forgive me if they aren't very good."

He cast a brief glance at Jin Guangyao as well, silently making eye contact. Is everything all right? He needs to check after that brief moment where he thought things might not be, but everyone still seems calm. His gaze turns to Wangji and a soft smile forms at the terrifying bottle that is placed on the table. If he didn't do a good job of cooking to the richer palates of the other two, then at least Wei Wuxian wouldn't be hungry. He's reasonably sure that he could at least replicate one dish well enough from Gusu that was popular, but as for the rest, they were unfamiliar territory.

"Please help yourself. A-Yao, do you want me to prepare the tea?"

It's just as much of a surprise for Jin Guangyao. It's true that there isn't usually alcohol under their roof, but with certain expectations in mind he'd made sure to have a little on hand. He'll just have to save it for another occasion with guests, then. And judging from the look of that violently red bottle Lan Wangji brought with him, perhaps advise a few spicier dishes next time.

Would there be a next time? Probably, and the look Lan Xichen gets in return, with that thought in mind, is untroubled, even if a faint trepidation drifts across the stifled bond.

"Perhaps it would be best this time," he says, a little apologetically. He usually makes the tea, but it doesn't take a mind-reader - or a Bond - to know why Lan Xichen did most of the cooking too. "It would be nice if everyone could be comfortable here," he says, turning his kindest expression at Lan Wangji. Even if those bottled up feelings are not quite so kind.

A-Yao. Of course. What else would he call him, even after everything. They’re bonded, and that’s a point of no return that Lan Wangji will probably forever struggle to fathom. It’s not for him to understand. The heart wants what it wants, and all that, and if he can’t ever forgive, perhaps he can learn to tolerate.

Clearly it’ll be a long process, a twitch in his jaw he can’t be bothered to hide as he leans closer to his betrothed. It’s an instinctive response, beyond the simple enjoyment of his proximity, and that’s something he almost hopes to see between his brother and his own bonded. Something genuine, if unworthy of Lan Xichen’s devotion, though the thought is easily forgotten when Jin Guangyao speaks of comfort like he hasn’t already played them all before.

Chopsticks in hand, Lan Wangji cuts him a cursory glance, unhurried as he refocuses on the food offered to try a mouthful of something that seems meatless, but savory. “Then I presume that you have no rope at the ready,” he says monotone, and then he chews, wondering why Wei Wuxian isn’t taking one for the team and drinking for all of them. Remember the chokehold, Jin Guangyao? He does, which kind of tampers with his level of, y’know. Comfort

Change of heart; serve the alcohol.

Edited 2020-06-03 00:53 (UTC)

"I just thought that with all the hard work Zewu-jun put into the food, I should focus on that instead."

Reasonable...for someone who doesn't drink like a fish. But maybe his restraint will help bolster his Bonded's. He might need all the help he can get tonight.

But then there it is, A-Yao, Lan Xichen's voice as tender as should be expected when addressing his own Bonded. Except that's still Jin Guangyao. Wei Wuxian coughs into his fist before quickly gripping Lan Zhan's knee under the table. He gives it a supportive squeeze as he looks up, a smile on his lips for the other two men. Yeah, this is going great.

"Recipes are really just suggestions anyway, who says they always have to be followed right down to the last grain of rice? I like the spice in this one. Is this cabbage? On second thought, maybe I will have a drink."

Because Lan Wangji is wound up tight, and maybe he can send a little bit of relaxation his way.

Shame and pain hits through the Bond. Not toward Jin Guangyao even in that moment, but shame against Lan Xichen himself for causing all of them that much discomfort. Especially his brother, whom he has been trying to reconcile with. Lan Xichen gives his sworn brother a brief, pleading look to remain at peace -- he is doing so well -- and stands with a quiet murmur repeating that he's going to make tea.

He can't make eye contact with the other two, not with that obvious freeze that he's never really been the target of before. Oh, he has seen it, but to Xichen his brother has always been a sweet man, awkward with others, but eternally giving. And now every word seems dangerous. But with a little distance, maybe his retreat will give the other two some relief.

At least the small jar of alcohol is already on the table. Jin Guangyao doesn't flinch at the feeling, only giving the slightest nod to Xichen as the other man leaves for a moment. Jin Guangyao takes out the cork and reaches across the table to pour a drink for Wei Wuxian. It's good quality liquor too; even if he doubts there's any goodwill to be had, that's hardly a reason to serve something inferior.

"Cabbage, and some vegetable I'm not familiar with. The natives assured us is works quite well in most dishes," he says conversationally to Wei Wuxian, and although he assumes Lan Wangji won't be drinking, lingers a moment longer over the table as far as he is.

His voice is quiet and sweet, so that it doesn't carry so much, even with Xichen out of the room for that moment, "Is it really necessary to treat your brother like that, Hanguang-jun? He has been looking forward to this since I agreed to the idea. Surely you can at least quell your own loathing for a couple hours, to make him happy."

Like he himself is doing in this very instant.

Or at least exercise a little more subtlety.

Jin Guangyao leaves the open bottle on the table before settling back down at his seat, waiting for Lan Xichen's return before he helps himself to the food.

Fingers clench. Wei Wuxian’s touch appeases, and Lan Wangji’s hand covers his in a vain attempt to ground himself. It works to a point; his bonded has always been his anchor, but this is particularly bizarre. Indulging his brother isn’t anything he’ll ever regret, but burying the hatchet when the soil is still damp with blood won’t amount to much. No one is fooling themselves; they know, and the second Lan Xichen walks out of earshot, Lan Wangji is served with a familiar sneer, made to gouge.

Forgive him, Wei Wuxian, if his grip dangerously tightens. “My brother is under no delusion.” He may be kind, loving and forgiving, but he’s no dolt. He knew what to expect, surely, and Lan Wangji will honor his wishes, but actions have consequences, and Lan Wangji is really bad at pretending.

“He invited to soothe,” he goes on, and he’ll behave well enough. But make no mistake. “I am here to ensure that you are capable of making him happy,” and his stare hardens, drifting away a moment later to zero in on Wei Wuxian’s cup. Out of all of them, who was the most likely to drink?

No chances taken. He brings the cup to his own lips for a sip, two, bracing himself for familiar effects—or poison. Don’t worry about him. In any case, he’ll make use of his magic to control and compensate for whatever is to come. He’ll be fine.

Never has a drink been so welcomed. And yet his hand freezes halfway to the cup. Instead, Wei Wuxian's eyes lift and fix on Jin Guangyao.

He came tonight because the invitation was extended to him. He came because he likes Lan Xichen. He also came for the very things that he's been doing: trying to defuse with easy words and subtle touches, and redirect this room's own form of resentful energy. Wei Wuxian can be distracting, knows how to draw the attention to himself. He's good at it. Too good - part of his tragedy was that others noticed what a convenient target Wei Wuxian could be too, and took advantage of it.

But tonight isn't about him. This is ultimately a Lan affair, between brothers. So when he attempts to lecture Lan Zhan, however honey-sweet his voice might be, it runs all over the puca. And he returns it with his own quiet but no-nonsense voice.

"Jin Guangyao. No one here wants to see Zewu-jun unhappy." Wei Wuxian is really giving him the benefit of the doubt here. Lan Wangji isn't the only one with reservations. "But he isn't the only one who's trying his best to make this work. The best you and I can do is be supportive."

In other words:

"See to your own Bonded. Not mine."

Wei Wuxian doesn't like being told what to do. It turns out that he likes people trying to tell Lan Zhan what to do even less. Now he'll have that drink - only to watch it lifted to Lan Zhan's lips instead.

What should he do? He deserves their scorn, obviously, but he doesn't want to see anyone unhappy. Wangji is miserable just looking at him, ashamed of him, and trying to at least soothe Jin Guangyao to keep one person at ease is not helping the matter. He's making things worse. Does this mean he should no longer face either of the others?

That is absolutely impossible. It wouldn't make them feel better in any case. They are worried about him and about what Jin Guangyao might do next, Jin Guangyao is becoming more agitated, and he's just trying to have dinner.

Breathe.

Once the water is finished heating and the tea is resting in the pot, Lan Xichen manages to collect himself. He puts on an expression that, if not serene, is at least calm, and returns with the tea, looking at each man at the table with a steady, searching glance in turn. He doesn't know if anything has happened while his back was turned, but even if it hasn't, their own looks say that it is only a matter of time.

"If you don't eat, then I will have to assume you don't like the cooking. Next time I will prepare something more traditional if that is the case."

He pours tea into small cups and sets them in front of each of their places without asking, volunteering them to drink tea even if they are having it with wine. They'll just have to accept it.

"Why don't the two of you tell us how you've been doing? Are you well? It has been a difficult time recently."

Lan Xichen asks that sincerely, sparing Jin Guangyao an extra glance, silently sending a message he should know pretty well by now. Support me. It might be difficult and unpleasant for his Bonded, but not too unpleasant, he thinks, if he can just get the man to relax.

"Do you want me to pour some for you?" he asks softly, indicating the now open bottle. Stop staring them down, Jin Guangyao, and rest easy for once.

Any reply is quenched, if not directly by the other pair's words, but by Lan Xichen's return. The idea that Lan Wangji would even be evaluating him rather than a vehement rejection is actually a little surprising. Perhaps unbelievable as well, in the sense that Jin Guangyao is quite sure he will never meet Wangji's expectations. But to someone who had planned to be as utterly proper and politely removed from appearing too close, lest he rouse more of Lan Wangji's ire, this bore a little reconsideration for the evening. Yes, he would see to his Bonded, but not because of Wei Wuxian's suggestion. It would be because he wanted to.

He nods to Lan Xichen at the offer, giving a quiet thank you as he offers up his cup, but otherwise staying politely silent. If the others (even Lan Wangji? Even to test for poison, that was another surprise as well) were going to partake, it would be rude not to join them, and a small amount of liquor isn't going to have much effect on him.

Even if there really are so many things he could say it is not too difficult an effort, alongside maintaining his own mental wall for certain emotions, to simply let the others talk instead. Now that Lan Xichen is back, Jin Guangyao begins to help himself to a few of the dishes. It smells good, and if his blackened forked tongue escapes him and flickers in the air momentarily... it's a mild embarrassment, but he can only control so many things at once.

It doesn't have to be as at the lake, where he kept his gaze focused on Lan Xichen alone. But his gaze is there more often than not, even if one of the others are speaking.

He hates that Jin Guangyao’s words still managed to find their way to where it hurts the most. There is no instance, in this life or another, in which he could reconcile himself to the idea of his brother and Jin Guangyao being so close, not after so much unnecessary blood and lies were spilled. But he loves Lan Xichen. Dearly. Beyond what his brother believes he deserves, and it’s an ache he doesn’t know how to cope with. Can he pretend? Even for his sake? Lan Xichen would see right through him if he so much as considered the possibility; as impassible as his expressions can be, his eyes have never been able to hide much of anything, and Lan Wangji is stuck.

So he eats. He eats because the right words fail him, if they exist at all, and no matter the strangeness of the situation, it’s the least he can do, to honor his brother’s efforts in hosting this unusual dinner. He wishes for the kind of amiability that Lan Wangji doesn’t quite believe in, but his choices are his own; he doesn’t scorn or despise. He just hurts, really, and his anger is entirely aimed at Jin Guangyao.

Only two sips and the alcohol has already bubbled thick in his blood. It’s a struggle to keep the right magic balance in order to completely avoid its side effects; his lashes droop easily, and he drinks more tea, hoping to drown out the growing buzz in the back of his skull. “Everything is as it should be,” he hears himself say, stifling a wince as he distantly notes Jin Guangyao’s blackened tongue. His senses weaken, focus sharpened on his tightened fist atop the table; he leans closer to his Bonded for support, slightly hunched over, and lifts his head to swivel his gaze between his brother and his own Bonded. “May we speak plainly?”

Wei Wuxian at least attempts a smile for him when Lan Xichen looks into his eyes. But his own gaze is lowered quickly, and hopefully before he can see that it doesn't reach his eyes the way the genuine ones always do. He also straightens a little at the mention of traditional cooking. He remembers the "traditional cooking" of Cloud Recesses, which was surely healthy but didn't have much else going for it. He wonders if Zewu-jun means that as a very subtle threat.

So he does start eating again, and placing things onto Lan Zhan's plate with a quiet request to eat. Food will help with the alcohol.

"The rabbits are growing really fast. A few of them are starting to flutter their wings."

A pleasant subject, and the best chance he has of bringing a smile to the younger Lan's lips. Wei Wuxian keeps stealing glances at him between bites, feeling his hurt, the impasse of his heart, but also his mild intoxication. But then he feels something within himself too, a little warning spike that seems out of place at a dinner table.

Until Lan Wangji says those words.

Wei Wuxian takes a breath, but he keeps chewing, keeps waiting.

At least he seems to have their attention for a moment. Jin Guangyao is... if not behaving, at least trying to curb his urges. And he already knew that Wangji and Wei Wuxian would be displeased, so that is not really so surprising. It just hurts more when he has to experience it instead of imagine it. He lets them eat for a minute, not answering or eating himself so he can just watch the other three and consider what he should do. Wei Wuxian tries to soothe Wangji's hurt, which he is grateful for, but it really is his fault. He can't burden Wei Wuxian by making him tend to Wangji like that.

The question gets his full attention. It's loaded with meaning and Lan Xichen does hesitate for just a moment before he nods.

"Of course. I apologize for making things difficult for you. I want you both to feel as much ease as you can."

And he turns to look at Jin Guangyao next, speaking quietly.

"You as well. If they are tense, then forgive them for me. We're responsible for their comfort for a few hours at least. Let's be peaceful and let them have their way a little, mm?"

Lan Xichen is as much a support for Jin Guangyao, in moments like this, as the other way around. It's a strain on his own efforts when Lan Wangji, lightest of the lightweights apparently, says things like that. Jin Guangyao really has no interest in whatever Lan Wangji's idea of dinner table frank talk is.

Easier to soothe his own feelings with fond appreciation for his Bonded, if they can't help but share most things across that link. Putting down his chopsticks for a moment, Jin Guangyao reaches over and touches Xichen's hand; a gesture more than just the faint brushes of the past, but so familiar between the two of them now.

"Of course," Jin Guangyao replies kindly, and nothing more, most of his interest on studying the lines of Xichen's handsome face, and less effort needed to keep those more turbulent emotions in check.

Bless his Bonded for actually trying. His brother for inviting, and hoping. Maybe it’s him, Lan Wangji, who’s been under false illusions all along. Good intentions are just that; how much can a thought actually count, when actions don’t follow? Love, he learned long ago, is a double-edged sword; however deep, however true, sometimes, it just isn’t enough.

His chest stings hollow at the sight of a touch so chaste, yet so intimate it sends an unwelcome wave of nausea rolling in his stomach. Jin Guangyao dares, and Lan Xichen lets him. Jin Guangyao who lied, killed, cheated. Jin Guangyao who maliciously murdered his sworn-brother, led his wife to kill herself, and triggered a myriad of events that would irrevocably contribute to Wei Wuxian’s demise. Jin Guangyao who kept his smile intact for Zewu-jun, even as blood dripped from his hands.

Lan Wangji’s eyes close, jaw wired shut. Wei Wuxian died, and Lan Xichen lets Jin Guangyao touch his hand. For a moment, he’s too overwhelmed to move. It’s cold, where his heart beats uneven, a metallic tang in the back of his mouth that he loathes to acknowledge as existing within himself. But it’s there, akin to anger, different. It swamps with a heaviness he can’t pinpoint, made worse by the effects of alcohol he still struggles to contain, his grasp on his magical abilities wavering.

Slowly he rises. Lashes flutter, though he doesn’t look anywhere in particular, head stubbornly kept down. His heart sinks so low his chest feels strangely numb, and he just. Needs to get away from that feeling. “Forgive me,” he breathes out as he bows, all stiff and taut muscles, and he leaves with a knot in his stomach that only keeps swelling, the farther he gets.

Lan Wangji leaves, retreats, and Lan Xichen doesn't have the heart to try to prevent it. He shouldn't, because it wouldn't be right to. He does however rise quickly, moving to cut Wei Wuxian off before he too leaves the cottage.

"Please wait just a moment. It won't be long."

He can promise that much. Yet, he still hesitates just a single, aching moment before he raises his hands to untie the ribbon around his head. Folding it neatly in one palm, he pulls out a handkerchief with the other and wraps it carefully inside. This he presses into the man's hand, making sure it is secure before letting go.

"Don't hold back anymore. Whatever you deem just, I will be the one to accept it. Forgive me for putting you through this."

And with that said, he steps aside, turning his attention to Jin Guangyao.

Lan Wangji leaves, Wei Wuxian watching him say his goodbyes with eyes filled with pain for him. Of course he stands to follow, and hesitates himself when the older man bids him to stay a moment longer. He glances over Lan Xichen's shoulder the empty doorway, but ultimately doesn't breeze right past him.

Where he once was not so careful with the Lan headband himself, just watching someone who isn't his bonded taking theirs off feels wrong. This all feels wrong, and he lingers for just a moment. He swallows hard as his hand closes around the handkerchief, but the situation doesn't need his emotions added to it. All Wei Wuxian can think of is the one question he wanted to ask Lan Zhan too.

"Zewu-jun. Have you considered that this might be exactly what he wants?" To come between brothers. To separate them and have one all to himself. He turns his head slowly in Jin Guangyao's direction, a challenge in his golden eyes: prove me wrong. Wei Wuxian will of course be there for whatever Lan Zhan needs, and back whatever course of action or inaction that he needs to take. But neither of them can be truly happy this way. Seeing the Twin Jades like this is like a terrible injustice, and he's not good at just standing by while those things happen.

He hurries out with that, to catch up with his Bonded.

There's a little resentment that comes trickling over that wall inside him, when Lan Wangji leaves and Xichen gets up, taking his hand away.

Jin Guangyao was never expecting Lan Wangji to smile, but the fact that he feels free to cause this much of a disturbance is worse than an annoyance. It's fine for him to confront Jin Guangyao and say that he doesn't deserve Xichen's attention, and to judge him on not making Xichen happy enough, while at the same time causing pain and disturbances himself! Why can't he just sit and be quiet if nothing else?

But that feeling is overwhelmed with surprise when Lan Xichen removes his headband. Jin Guangyao is frozen for a moment, with a thought of what might he said next -- interrupted by Wei Wuxian's accusation. In that moment of meeting eyes, gold to gold, the shock seems genuine enough on Jin Guangyao's face, tainted by a second surge of turbulent unpleasantness unseen but felt through the bond. Yes, of course everything bad is his fault now, planned when he had been trying his best. How could it be otherwise, among those that had been there, at the end?

He isn't entirely in check when he responds, rising quickly from his chair. But at least Wei Wuxian and his words are gone, and everything is such a mess including himself that it can only be disastrous for Lan Xichen, even if he hadn't made whatever decision that led to the removal of that ribbon. "Xichen, what are you doing?" Jin Guangyao says in concern, rushing to him.

Lan Xichen doesn't notice the light resentment in his hurry to intercept Wei Wuxian, although he does feel a sharp pang of ache when the man accuses Jin Guangyao of a setup. That is too cold after he had pleaded and coaxed his Bonded to agree to the dinner. Oh, he doesn't doubt that Jin Guangyao wouldn't miss Wangji if he were to disappear, but this time it had truly been his own fault. And it only drives home that, if even Wei Wuxian can see dark motivations in his actions, that this decision is ultimately the right one. He watches after the man as he follows Wangji's footsteps, wanting to follow and feeling only resignation as he returns to his remaining friend.

"It's all right," he says softly, offering him a smile. "I'm sorry. You supported me and it did not go well, but I am still grateful."

The ribbon isn't the only thing that Lan Xichen has to leave behind. He reverently removes his outer robe, folding it neatly and holding it in his arms like he thinks it might fall apart if he's not careful. Or drop to the ground, as his hands are trembling and he he can't seem to keep a good grip on anything. If Jin Guangyao's hatred through the bond was nauseating, the loss is numbing, a frozen pond in the depths of winter. He moves away to a quiet room he prefers for meditation, steps a little unsteady as he finds keeping feeling in them difficult.

Jin Guangyao isn't sure if Lan Xichen being alone, in meditation or not, would be better. He follows quickly behind, offering himself as a shoulder to lean on for those unsteady steps. Pulling himself back into check, his worry of inflicting even more harm is of higher priority than anything else in this moment.

"Even if there are disagreements between myself and Hanguang-jun, it really isn't necessary to go to this much of an extreme," he urges. Perhaps it was indirectly his fault, but he really didn't expect Lan Wangji to drink, when he was simply trying to be a good host with Wei Wuxian in attendance. "He was only feeling unwell under the circumstances. Don't you think you should reconsider?"

Lan Xichen does take the support, using Jin Guangyao to balance himself as he makes it to the room and sets the robe down on a low table. It is a lot to absorb for all of them, but the decision isn't entirely on Jin Guangyao either. He might have been the catalyst for it, yes, because there are certainly sins that have not been absolved, but to say that he alone led to the disaster at dinner would be giving him too much credit.

"It isn't your fault," Xichen's voice sounds steadier than he feels, still reeling from everything that happened. "It is as you say. The disagreements between you and Wangji are not so great that they would sway me away from my brother. But I do not think I should pretend to be worthy of a love that I cannot properly honor, and I do not wish for them to feel obligation toward one that does not deserve it."

He kneels down at the table, his resolve and calm finally cracking.

"I love him. He is my home, my remaining piece of Cloud Recesses and I made him suffer."

That peculiar emotion washes through him, a feeling rare and distant enough for Jin Guangyao that it feels distinctly unnatural, robbing him of the ability to properly form words for a long moment as he stands beside Xichen.

Even though he says that it isn't Jin Guangyao's fault, if Xichen can feel that he doesn't deserve his brother's love and that he's not worthy, there was hardly any doubt that it would still be due to Guangyao's presence here with him.

"Please," he urges once more when he regains his voice, picking the robes back up and unfolding them, trying to at least drape them back over Lan Xichen's shoulders. "Don't make such hasty decisions in the moment. At least let him have some time to cool off, and speak with him about your feelings."

It was reasonable advice, just like he might have given some time ago. If it rings a bit hollow because of things now known about him personally, that doesn't mean it isn't still good advice, for brothers of a different nature.

Even though Lan Xichen was fully prepared to accept scorn or anger from his brother for his decision, he hadn't expected him to be so utterly dismayed and hurt at the sight of something like Jin Guangyao's touch. It had been indecent in the past, yes, but in their present home it hadn't felt like such a great sin. Wangji had been aware they were going to Bond, so contact was to be expected. But it had hurt him without question, enough that he couldn't bear the sight and had to leave. In all the years of strife they have faced from other situations, Lan Xichen has never been the object of his brother's disgust. It's a devastating first, which is why it hits him so hard. He feels profoundly empty in a way that is similar to the days following the loss at Guanyin temple, alone and abandoned and unable to contain it.

"Am I being hasty?" There is a thin, fragile thread of hope in his voice, desperate for any possibility that he might somehow be able to mend the damage he has caused, but fearing the worst. "Why should I ask for his forgiveness? Haven't I betrayed him? I should not want to be given that much kindness when I am the one that caused this."

But the tears still come to his eyes when he says that and the pain still roils around unsettled like a storm through the bond. He does want it, even if he doesn't deserve it. He has loved his brother and happily grown up alongside him. It's not that easy to give him up, whether it is the right thing to do or not. Xichen sits beneath the robes Jin Guangyao lays over him like a man pulled from a river and recovering from shock.

"Why must I be this way?"

I should not want to be given that much kindness when I am the one that caused this.

But he does, and Jin Guangyao has wanted the same. He'd blamed himself less and more the circumstances, true, but wanting kindness after things had gone so terribly awry... and this was hardly anything in comparison.

Certainly, too, he'd pondered the issue of some sort of vengeance against Lan Wangji for maiming him, but this pain to both his bonded and himself, indirectly, was intolerable. And it would only be prolonged unpleasantly, unlike the grief over an 'accident' if someday such a thing was even possible to arrange.

He kneels down beside Xichen and puts his arm around his shoulders, hoping the comfort will help at least a small amount, as it did after his hateful attempt at murdering Huaisang has caused Lan Xichen to suffer.

"You deserve every kindness," Jin Guangyao reassures him. "It will be fine, but perhaps you need some time as well. Talk to him in a few days, and please don't think of it so severely."

While Lan Xichen does try to maintain the loftier sensibilities of the Lan sect usually, he is still human. In the throes of misery he gravitates toward that comforting gesture, leaning into Jin Guangyao for a bit of solace. He might want to be distant and give his brother his well wishes without any lingering longing, but some things are just too difficult to do. He isn't always kind and selfless, especially when it comes to his family.

"I don't deserve it," he insists that much. He knows it is true even if he is pained by that truth. "When we were young, I was the one to stay by him. I should have protected him, and now I am the one that hurts him. If anyone were to hurt him, it should never be me."

Jin Guangyao says it isn't severe, but the crime is personal to Lan Xichen. Unlike defying the rules or being ill-mannered, he feels as if he has managed to poison himself.

"I don't wish to cause him more pain, A-Yao. He is the only family I have here."

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

[closed] I ditched all my plans my family and friends

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..........i'm so sorry

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