It's too early to be feeling relief, for as much that feeling passes through to Jin Guangyao, there's a backwash of bitterness and frustration still. There's no point in hiding his feelings, but there's still a definite difference between his face and the intensity of them.
"I promised not to abandon you, brother, and you have my word, but I have nowhere else to lead. Knowing what you know now, of course... you're right, you can't help but doubt, and nothing I can say will change that. Who knows how much time would have to pass for that to heal." he says, naming the hurt that had triggered this outburst in the first place. "But just as much I can't accept it."
"You can insist that you want to understand, and not look the other way, but there's never been anything for you to gain from it, only pain. And even if I was unable to follow you, I could at least look up to where you stood and admire that you were able to be in a place where you could ignore the troubled parts of this life. How could I have wanted that for you then, and how could I want that for you now? Seeing you continue to struggle and worry now doesn't bring me any happiness, if that's what you're hoping for."
"I can thank you for doing this for me, but I am no longer sure what else I can say," he finishes, and if those words are cold enough to hurt a bit, well, the feeling is definitely reciprocated. Even if Lan Xichen's words are more well-intentioned than any of the others would speak of him by a wide margin, this change in their relationship is still too much to bear after years of nothing but kind support, longing for times past. "Other than, perhaps, I wish none of it had happened at all and that you were able to remain unknowing."
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"I promised not to abandon you, brother, and you have my word, but I have nowhere else to lead. Knowing what you know now, of course... you're right, you can't help but doubt, and nothing I can say will change that. Who knows how much time would have to pass for that to heal." he says, naming the hurt that had triggered this outburst in the first place. "But just as much I can't accept it."
"You can insist that you want to understand, and not look the other way, but there's never been anything for you to gain from it, only pain. And even if I was unable to follow you, I could at least look up to where you stood and admire that you were able to be in a place where you could ignore the troubled parts of this life. How could I have wanted that for you then, and how could I want that for you now? Seeing you continue to struggle and worry now doesn't bring me any happiness, if that's what you're hoping for."
"I can thank you for doing this for me, but I am no longer sure what else I can say," he finishes, and if those words are cold enough to hurt a bit, well, the feeling is definitely reciprocated. Even if Lan Xichen's words are more well-intentioned than any of the others would speak of him by a wide margin, this change in their relationship is still too much to bear after years of nothing but kind support, longing for times past. "Other than, perhaps, I wish none of it had happened at all and that you were able to remain unknowing."